It's an in law one...

[inlawproblems]

First of all, I must start by saying that I love my PIL... 99% of the time.

DH has two brothers. One of them lives in the same town as us with his wife and children, and the other lives five hours away with his wife and child. We get on well with the one who lives five hours away but we haven't seen them for over a year due to the distance. They will be visiting next weekend and we are looking forward to seeing them.

Things aren't so great with my other BIL and his wife. His wife hasn't spoken to us for 18 months since our daughter was born, for a really stupid reason. He is backing his wife up but we don't think he really believes they are in the right. Before my daughter's birth we all got on well.

Literally everyone thinks they are being completely ridiculous and the thing they are upset about is utterly trivial. To avoid drip feeding, they are upset that we named our daughter a very common top 10 name which also happens to be their daughter's second middle name.

Anyway. We have invited the visiting BIL and his wife and child for Sunday lunch next weekend. We were also planning on inviting PIL.

When I mentioned this to FIL two weeks ago he said he was rather hoping that we would do something all together. I said that until BIL and SIL acknowledge how hurtful their behaviour has been and apologise to us, we don't want to have a relationship with them. FIL said they will never explain or apologise, and so I said in that case we won't be seeing them. He wants us to just let it go and play happy families. I made it very clear that doesn't work for us.

Today PIL came round for lunch and everything was normal, nobody mentioned next weekend. And then an hour or so after they'd gone home, MIL put a message on the family WhatsApp group saying they want us all to come round for cake next Saturday afternoon and Grandma will be there too.

We have not replied yet. We don't want to go. We feel that we are being strongarmed into seeing them and pretending everything is normal, when what we want is to have a discussion. (They have refused multiple requests from us to meet and talk.) PIL are banking on the fact that if we go next weekend we won't want to cause a scene in front of Grandma, or be unpleasant to SIL who is two months postpartum. (I wouldn't piss on her if she were on fire at this point but I recognise that the optics of having a go at a woman who's just had a baby in front of the entire family aren't great.) They're right about us not wanting to make a scene in those circumstances. That's why we don't want to go.

AIBU?

Thanks for reading if you made it to the end of this!

@inlawproblems you feel it's manipulative?

Oh bless you, but surely by refusing to go and see Grandma (is she invited to your exclusive meet on the Sunday), they'll know how very cross you still are.

They don't care, they don't want to be friendly with you, they've made that clear. They're probably aware that you think BIL should never have married her, so why would they want to be in your company?

So, it's a family occasion (what's going to happen when grandma passes away, you won't attend the funeral)? Just go, be polite and go home.

Or don't go, why are you bothered about what you think k?

I'm sure they've also said to the PIIL that they don't want to see you, but they've also been publicly asked? Have you considered that? Because honestly it's them that's not interested in seeing you.

I’m surprised you and your SIL aren’t friends as you sound very similar.

Poor kids suffering due to their mums’ love of holding a grudge!

Get over yourself OP. Life isn’t perfect. People upset and offend us. Sometimes we just live with it and carry on. Bigger picture and all that. Don’t let the resentment eat you up.

She is if you stole one of her chosen names op, I don't see it like that but maybe she does but you sound just as awful... saying your bil is a fool to marry her.. who are you to decide if she's worthy of her own marriage, just stick to your own issue with her and leave her marriage alone.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Look, we discussed this a fortnight ago. I clearly told my FIL "no". Then they came round today, spent all afternoon with us and didn't mention this. Then an hour after they left our house they repeated their request, in front of the whole family. Sorry but that's manipulative. They could have said, this afternoon, "We'd really like to see everyone together, will you really not reconsider?"

You don't dictate how you're invited to your PIL home, it's up to them.

You're going to end up falling out with them, because they don't do exactly what you want.

Wow. OK.

So we found out via PIL that their child was unwell. My husband and I both immediately sent messages to BIL saying we were so sorry to hear about their daughter and asking him to let us know if there was anything we could do. Got a "thanks" back.

I opened up WhatsApp to send SIL a message too and I realised that the last communication we had had was three days after my daughter was born when I sent her a message thanking her for giving me some helpful tips about having a VBAC and saying the birth had gone much better this time and got nothing but a thumbs up in response, so I felt awkward, thought we obviously don't have that kind of relationship, and thought better of it.

The biggest thing (among so many awful things) that stood out to me was that three months into the silent/low contact treatment they were giving you, you found out their child was unwell and needed an operation. But you only got in touch another THREE MONTHS later, and then only to find out why they hadn’t been in touch with you?!?! You didn’t contact them about their poorly child? Didn’t rally round to support them?

Yeah that was pretty shit if you. Have you apologised to them for your utter selfishness?

No thought not.

This isn't true (see my previous post).

1. "Not invite us to their son's birthday party and then not show up, leaving us effectively babysitting their kids while we still don't get any kind of explanation or chance to resolve the issue."

They didn't show up to their own sons birthday party?

This, good advice and all drama taken out of the situation.

I just want them to stop emotionally blackmailing us into playing happy families with a woman who has refused to acknowledge our daughter's existence.

I told FIL that in the current circumstances we didn't think any whole family meet ups were a good idea. And now they have ignored that

😮omg! Who do you think you are?! You told your father law that you didn’t think it would be a good idea for him and his wife to try to gather their family together….because of your personal beef with a sister in law?!

Bloody hell. I’ve seen some things on MN but this is something else.

Like I say, every time you open your mouth it gets worse….

So you’re saying you didn’t bother to check in with you SIL when her daughter was undergoing an unexpected operation, because she sent you a thumbs up emoji the last time she contacted you?

You are absolutely bonkers. You and her both. Hard to believe there’s two of you in the world, and a bit scary too!

I opened up WhatsApp to send SIL a message too and I realised that the last communication we had had was three days after my daughter was born when I sent her a message thanking her for giving me some helpful tips about having a VBAC and saying the birth had gone much better this time and got nothing but a thumbs up in response, so I felt awkward, thought we obviously don't have that kind of relationship, and thought better of it

Her child was sick in hospital and you thought better of sending them a message. Yet you think they’re the ones in the wrong.

Fucking hell. In all my years on this earth I have never come across someone so self centred and insensitive, and then manipulative to turn it around to make themselves the victim.

No. PIL picked their kids up from nursery, brought them to their house, then we showed up with our kids ready to bury the hatchet and they didn't show. Eventually we took our kids home to bed and PIL dropped their kids back home. No acknowledgement of the present we brought for nephew.

I guess they say the same about playing happy families with a woman who shows no support when their child is sick in hospital…

Bloody hell. I’m truly astonished at your posts.

”I just want them to stop emotionally blackmailing us into playing happy families with a woman who has refused to acknowledge our daughter's existence.“

Dramatic much?!

Nah, this is really unfair. We both sent our good wishes via BIL and made it clear that we were happy to help if there was anything we could do. I just didn't feel comfortable sending SIL a message personally because it was now several months since my daughter was born and she had literally not spoken to me since. I was getting strong vibes by that point that there was something off but I had no idea what so preferred to communicate via BIL who I have (had) a longstanding close relationship with.

Erm no..I don't actually agree with the op but no one is under any obligation to spend time or meet up with anyone , family or not purely to please a set of pils. If they can't all be in the same room then they can't. End of. Maybe it's better for all if they don't speak as they both sound unhinged.

Wow In our family there is a crystal leigh Adam Lee
shaney Lee
kobee Lee and Tommy Lee who cares and my brother called Lee 😂😂

They had literally been brushing off all our attempts at communication for several months by this point! And we did send BIL messages letting him know we were there for them. Jesus.

@inlawproblems oh it's now emotional blackmail!

You shouldn't be clearly telling your FIL anything, it's your DHs choice. You sound very controlling and overbearing.

Again, PIL can invite who they want and are probably sick of your tantrums and put it out there that everyone is invited.

Don't go, stay home and just let DH go with DD, to spend time with his family.

A friend of mine stopped talking to me after we had an argument about going to an event during Covid. I hadn’t spoken to her in 6 months yet when her dad died, I drove straight to her house, visited several times and also went to the funeral.

Putting grievances aside when bad things happen is what decent people do. Not make it about themselves.

I would love to hear SIL’s version of events.

He wants to go even less than I do.

SO WOULD I.