It's an in law one...

[inlawproblems]

First of all, I must start by saying that I love my PIL... 99% of the time.

DH has two brothers. One of them lives in the same town as us with his wife and children, and the other lives five hours away with his wife and child. We get on well with the one who lives five hours away but we haven't seen them for over a year due to the distance. They will be visiting next weekend and we are looking forward to seeing them.

Things aren't so great with my other BIL and his wife. His wife hasn't spoken to us for 18 months since our daughter was born, for a really stupid reason. He is backing his wife up but we don't think he really believes they are in the right. Before my daughter's birth we all got on well.

Literally everyone thinks they are being completely ridiculous and the thing they are upset about is utterly trivial. To avoid drip feeding, they are upset that we named our daughter a very common top 10 name which also happens to be their daughter's second middle name.

Anyway. We have invited the visiting BIL and his wife and child for Sunday lunch next weekend. We were also planning on inviting PIL.

When I mentioned this to FIL two weeks ago he said he was rather hoping that we would do something all together. I said that until BIL and SIL acknowledge how hurtful their behaviour has been and apologise to us, we don't want to have a relationship with them. FIL said they will never explain or apologise, and so I said in that case we won't be seeing them. He wants us to just let it go and play happy families. I made it very clear that doesn't work for us.

Today PIL came round for lunch and everything was normal, nobody mentioned next weekend. And then an hour or so after they'd gone home, MIL put a message on the family WhatsApp group saying they want us all to come round for cake next Saturday afternoon and Grandma will be there too.

We have not replied yet. We don't want to go. We feel that we are being strongarmed into seeing them and pretending everything is normal, when what we want is to have a discussion. (They have refused multiple requests from us to meet and talk.) PIL are banking on the fact that if we go next weekend we won't want to cause a scene in front of Grandma, or be unpleasant to SIL who is two months postpartum. (I wouldn't piss on her if she were on fire at this point but I recognise that the optics of having a go at a woman who's just had a baby in front of the entire family aren't great.) They're right about us not wanting to make a scene in those circumstances. That's why we don't want to go.

AIBU?

Thanks for reading if you made it to the end of this!

👏 👏

Op, that really sucks and is very hurtful that your beautiful DD along with you and your dh have been discarded all for a very minor reason, which most reasonable people would barely notice let alone take the drastic action of lopping an arm of their family off for.

This is the behaviour of someone who has really messed up priorities and a very hard, selfish and ruthless approach to significant relationships... Suspect if it wasn't this issue that did the damage, it would be something else sooner or later, because this is a massive overreaction.

Meanwhile, you have attempted to build bridges, offered to hear their views so you can all mend things and you have attempted to resolve the issue in a measured normal adult way.
Most reasonable people, even if they felt you had trampled on their choices by using a name, would accept being heard, taking an apology and move on.

I don't blame you for refusing to accept this level of punishment when all your sincere attempts to talk and mend things have been stone walled... Really where can you go from there that ends in a mutual and healthy relationship!

I think all you can do is make sure the pils know you have tried to talk and have acted with care and concern towards their complaint... And got nowhere...
From that point on all you can do is agree to be civil when necessary, such as joint family occasions where you do basic polite interaction, but not be fake in a 'so pleased to see you way '

I have a similar thing, in that my sil (DH sister) fell out with us for a similarly daft reason (I bf my baby at her wedding reception - also didn't know what I'd done wrong until some time later, she hasn't spoken to us since).
Their mum wanted her two children to have a meal together for her 80th... we said we'd be fine doing that, would be civil and friendly for occasion even though the relationship between the siblings is broken.
Sil refused to be in the same house as us so it didn't happen and it was a horrible thing to do to an old lady, who just wanted her two children for her birthday and want expecting a miracle reconciliation.
So I would encourage you to tolerate that kind of thing... but put on a pretence of everything being fine...
No, that's not realistic, because, as you say, you can't forgive someone who doesn't want to be forgiven, and you can't clear the air with someone who won't talk and ignored heartfelt letters!

So just grow up and let it go. What you are doing to your PIL is just as horrible as anything your SIL has done. You are so disgusted by her, you are just the same to the people around you. Honestly, just get over it.

I've already reached out to them and said sorry for inadvertently upsetting them. Didn't even get a reply.

So what makes you think they're going to come and act like nothings happened?

You keep contradicting yourself.

My husband agrees with me and doesn't want to go either. He actually feels even more strongly about it than I do.

Not sure why we're the vile ones when they created the problem and have rejected all our attempts to fix it.

I think if you've no interest in being the bigger person then there is really nothing anyone on here can tell you. You've come in here looking for what you want from her - to feel vindicated and be told you're right and to feel like you've 'won'. So it's not really a post for AIBU.

And fwiw I've also been in a situation where I had to be delighted for my friend announcing her pregnancy while I went through a mc. I wouldn't expect everyone to be able to set that aside and some people simply wouldn't be able to.

I was on your side until you started playing silly buggers with not wanting to go to family events, and not wanting to encourage relationships between cousins etc. it’s quite clear to me how that it’s not just your SIL “messing the family up”, but you too.

If it’s really true that the only reason this animosity started is because your SIL is being a weirdo about your child’s name, then you have absolutely no reason to indulge her any more in this ridiculous drama. Just go about your family life as normal, see all your other family as normal, treat her as normal. Otherwise you are BOTH making a gargantuan mountain out of a tiny molehill.

By extending the drama and wallowing in it, you are both being completely ridiculous, even if it was her who stated it. Your whole family dynamics are at stake here it seems, so be the bigger person and just move on.

You seriously need to grow up, it's not about winning ffs! Your PIL clearly want to put it all behind them and have everyone together. PIL don't have to take sides. Also your poor dh is probably just agreeing with you about not wanting to go. You sound utter batshit.

Your offering of an olive branch sounds more like you want to beat her round the head with it. That’s not what olive branches are for you know?

Love this! Stolen a name?! I’m guessing there is an epic back story to this? It’s not possible to steal a name. Especially if the other person had it as a middle name.

There are no winners or losers in this situation. You are all losers, most of all PIL who are stuck in the middle of this falling out between their children. Is it really worth carrying on such a ridiculous feud? If you don't want to see them, fine - don't go. But don't think that makes you the 'winners'. I would let it go and just be polite to them - that's taking the high road and showing them how adults behave.

Believe me, our early attempts were genuine olive branches. The level of frustration and anger we are currently feeling is the result of 18 months' worth of stonewalling.

OP, I know this isn't what you want to hear and it may be a bit incoherent but I have lived my adult life with the concept of the high moral ground. To me this seems to be only a win/lose situation because your SIL framed it that way and you have allowed her to continue with that framework. You don't need to seek her out but when you do meet, treat her comments with gentle amusement. The good old MN head tilt and tinkly laugh. It does not matter if she thinks she has won if you decline to compete. @Ihopeithinkiknow @ChocoButtons and @Hankunamatata have said the same or similar things. YOU hold the power here if you can reframe you attitude from being the side of the family who stays away to the side of the family who thinks the whole thing is just to silly to engage with. In this case, your feelings of hurt seem to be only injuring you.

Why all the drama?

Reply “sorry we can’t make it, see you Sunday as planned”.

That’s it, job done. Don’t sent the passive aggressive message you mentioned earlier, it makes you look really childish. Finally, stop trying to drag your PIL in to this because honestly, nobody cares about this as much as you do.

Let it go life’s too short. When your in laws are dead and buried you’ll look back and regret it. It’s kind of irrelevant who’s right or wrong it’s being the bigger person in what is a fallout over a trivial matter.

So many families have shared names!! You have very solid reasons why you chose the name you did and dismissed ones that were first names for her children. So you have been considerate!
Your SIL clearly has an issue with you choosing the name you did but rather than addressing it she's blown it out of all proportion. Problem with these sort of people, they will find any excuse to make life difficult for someone else. (I have a close relation who does). If it wasn't this, it would be something else.
Your PIL need to respect you keeping your distance as the nastiness is spreading to the next generation. Your SIL is preventing the relationship - you are merely refusing to play along. It is a sad situation but not of your making!

Yeah well I did set that aside for her. Multiple miscarriages, in fact, whereas she had instant baby. All we were asking from her was to say congratulations when we had a baby and not be a dick over a middle name and she couldn't even manage that.

you don't have to do olive branches....all you have to do is to decline to join in the conflict.

Sorry you are unreasonable trying to get PILs to pick sides, and also a little naive expecting that SIL/BIL must apologise otherwise you will throw your toys out and boycott all joint family events 🙄 you are essentially punishing other family members for failing to take sides and get involved in your drama.

mature and reasonable thing to do would be to go and be civil, because otherwise you WILL BE bad guys.

I haven't read the whole thread, only your posts so apologies if it's already been suggested. I think your DH and his brother need to have a face-to-face conversation - DH should meet him at his brother's place of work if necessary.

You too are a petty mean nightmare

honestly what is it with all these grown up womanbabies who think the world revolves around their hurty feelings?

One day you and your husband are going to be in your 70s, parents to adults, grandparents maybe. And you’ll have had decades of telling people “oh we haven’t spoken in 40-odd years. They refused to apologise to us for being upset over Liliana’s name, and I’ve never forgiven them for it”.

Just imagine. I actually can’t believe how stubborn and dramatic you are being. You and your SIL are two of a kind. Awful, childish behaviour. And to think you expect your PILs to “deal” with this spat. My teens are more mature than this.

This. OP really doesn’t come across like the good one at all. In fact, she seems worse than the SIL by dragging other family members into it.

sorry but yup....this is not an in law one. The inlaws are the poor buggers in the middle.

The other way to look at it is you’ve already expended the energy being ‘the bigger person’, and you say everyone else in the family thinks their reaction is crazy. So you have the power to walk into the room with the confidence that you’ve done nothing wrong. The thing is, if you don’t show up and perpetuate the fallout, impacting on the PILs and other BIL’s visit, you’ll be the one looking petty. Show up, bring a baby present, be nice to the kids, let the cousins play together. If she can’t behave with grace, that’s her problem. All this talk of winning, apologies and forgiveness is a waste of your headspace. You’re in the next phase now. Don’t let this be the permanent obstacle. If you really can’t bear it, can your husband go with the kids, and at least let the brothers have a get-together? You’re only poisoning yourself at this stage if you persist in your position.