It's an in law one...

[inlawproblems]

First of all, I must start by saying that I love my PIL... 99% of the time.

DH has two brothers. One of them lives in the same town as us with his wife and children, and the other lives five hours away with his wife and child. We get on well with the one who lives five hours away but we haven't seen them for over a year due to the distance. They will be visiting next weekend and we are looking forward to seeing them.

Things aren't so great with my other BIL and his wife. His wife hasn't spoken to us for 18 months since our daughter was born, for a really stupid reason. He is backing his wife up but we don't think he really believes they are in the right. Before my daughter's birth we all got on well.

Literally everyone thinks they are being completely ridiculous and the thing they are upset about is utterly trivial. To avoid drip feeding, they are upset that we named our daughter a very common top 10 name which also happens to be their daughter's second middle name.

Anyway. We have invited the visiting BIL and his wife and child for Sunday lunch next weekend. We were also planning on inviting PIL.

When I mentioned this to FIL two weeks ago he said he was rather hoping that we would do something all together. I said that until BIL and SIL acknowledge how hurtful their behaviour has been and apologise to us, we don't want to have a relationship with them. FIL said they will never explain or apologise, and so I said in that case we won't be seeing them. He wants us to just let it go and play happy families. I made it very clear that doesn't work for us.

Today PIL came round for lunch and everything was normal, nobody mentioned next weekend. And then an hour or so after they'd gone home, MIL put a message on the family WhatsApp group saying they want us all to come round for cake next Saturday afternoon and Grandma will be there too.

We have not replied yet. We don't want to go. We feel that we are being strongarmed into seeing them and pretending everything is normal, when what we want is to have a discussion. (They have refused multiple requests from us to meet and talk.) PIL are banking on the fact that if we go next weekend we won't want to cause a scene in front of Grandma, or be unpleasant to SIL who is two months postpartum. (I wouldn't piss on her if she were on fire at this point but I recognise that the optics of having a go at a woman who's just had a baby in front of the entire family aren't great.) They're right about us not wanting to make a scene in those circumstances. That's why we don't want to go.

AIBU?

Thanks for reading if you made it to the end of this!

Is this apology to you worth the grandparents not ever having an up to date pic of all their grandchildren together? And never being able to have all their grandchildren around them at the same time?

Ime sil's can hold a grudge for decades...
Sil never got over we had the first dgc. When she gave birth a year later to The Messiah no less- ils were so busy with her dc ours were dumped.. They saw our dc an hour a week when she flounced from their home dragging her dc out dramatically behind her.. Ils never had any sort of relationship with our dc. Ils were never able to stand up to sil. Are your ils the same?

Your DH may not want to go, but you should encourage him to. It is his family, who he has relationships with that last over many decades and they are too important to drop over something so stupid and petty. Do not encourage him to become estranged from his family as it will not turn out well with either your husband or your children in years to come.

It genuinely was the best family and she's destroyed it.

Statements like this are difficult to understand. You are villainising your SIL when both of them are at fault just as you feel villainised rather than your husband. She hasn't destroyed a family. You are making this too big. And any problems are just as much on your BIL. Is he a man or a mouse?

Absolutely because you don't suddenly just "despise" someone over something innocuous.

It's clear from the OP's many posts that she was waiting for something to hang on SIL and she has fabricated an entire scenario where nothing can possibly be resolved without a grovelling apology from BIL, his wife AND PIL (for "badgering them with invitations").

There's a lot of projecting and guessing other people's feelings and intentions going on by OP. Anything to make her feel better about herself.

They believe BIL should never have married her. A lot of nasty things have been said and now we have "I'm not racist but..." joining the argument.

Funny how the PIL side with the others rather than OP. Yet OP doesn't appear to think they might actually have a point.

I'm team SIL and PIL.

We're not saying never. We're saying not right now. If we go the atmosphere will be horrible and what's the point having a photo where everyone is pretending to be happy? It would be completely fake. No idea why PILs want to commemorate this time.

Are you suggesting I've made up the whole situation?

You can’t see yourself. And, you’re betraying yourself with each post. The worst thing is that you’re making out like you’re the victim, you’ve done nothing objectionable, everyone else has failed you to a greater or lesser extent. You are so righteous, you can’t see anything from any perspective other than yours. I’d be giving you the absolute widest of berths if you were my SIL and you wouldn’t even have to “steal” my child’s name.

Most photos you see are everyone pretending to be happy 🤣🤣

Nope.
I have no doubt there is a very uncomfortable atmosphere in your DH's family.
I just think your reality is at odds with every one else.

You are right though OP, no good of going to the family day will come while you are still so entrenched in anger and hatred.

Pointless thread. One of those AIBU when the OP is completely unable to see it from a different angle.

We haven't done anything objectionable. We have had zero communication with SIL whatsoever.

We chose a name for our baby which happens to be one of her DD's middle names, she got the hump and went no contact with us because she's batshit mental, we have tried to fix it, they don't want to know.

Yes I'm venting on here. Yes I think she's a terrible person for what she's done. But outwardly, towards them, I have genuinely tried to reach out and smooth things over and have finally reached the end of my tether.

It's OK to have boundaries. My boundary is that I don't want to play nice with a woman who has refused to acknowledge my daughter's existence or show me even a tiny fraction of the consideration I have shown towards her over the years, particularly when her children were born.

@inlawproblems if you're so so bloody sure of your correct judgement why bloody ask AIBU?

You have come across so badly here OP in your vitriol towards your SIL. At times I saw your point and felt for you but your nastiness towards her is something else. I really feel for her and its no wonder she has stopped communication with you.
And the worst thing is you cannot see it. You think you deserve an apology.

Look, I can understand why some people are team PIL. I get their point of view, honestly. They just want everyone to kiss and make up.

I have no idea why anyone is team SIL. Fair enough if some people don't like my tone on here but the facts are exactly as I have described. There has been zero communication between me and SIL since her passive aggressive thumbs up 18 months ago after I'd just given birth. Her behaviour is awful and no one in the family agrees with her.

The name thing is a red herring.

Poor sister in law for being demonized for simply putting a bit of distance between herself and you.

You’re the one who has gone scorched earth over it. It would probably have completely blown over by now without you fanning the flames.

My feelings towards her are a result of her behaviour. I didn't have any ill feeling towards her at all before this so it cannot possibly be the reason why she has gone no contact. They say it's because of the name and that's the only reason. My animosity towards her is the result of 18 months of hurtful behaviour from them, culminating in PIL saying "let it go because we want to all eat cake together".

Wow! 200 posts to say how you dislike your SIL so much you will spoil the weekend for your PIL, who desperately want to see their 3 children and all their grandchildren together for one afternoon. Yes, your SIL law sounds ridiculous, but so do you. SIL is not 'winning' but your PIL are definitely losing. Be magnanimous. If you can't bear to speak with BIL and SIL then don't, but do attend the afternoon tea for PIL sake and be the bigger person. Your behaviour sounds like a primary school child.

How have you tried to reach out?
You keep saying that but I your earlier posts you were adamant that you needed an apology in order to move on.

So how exactly have you "reached out"?

Telling them you expect an apology isn't reaching out. Reaching out by it's very definition is supposed to be a helpful and supportive gesture.

I very very highly doubt you have ever been able to be supportive to SIL at any time in the past 18 months.

Your SIL doesn't like you and doesn't want a relationship with you. That's perfectly fine. You don't have to have a relationship. But you can't demand anything from her or PIL either.

Carry on your own life and let them carry on their's. Please don't go to the gathering organised by PIL but tell your DH he should go with your children.

That way everyone "wins".

I'd be tempted to turn up to the gathering, walk up to SIL with your daughter in your arms and say hello to her and their new baby, and congratulate them. Then follow that up with: "SIL, this is my daughter Name. Name, this is your auntie SIL." Then go find some food or something because you will have stood your ground. You can then both avoid each other for the rest of the event.

So why can't you respect her boundary that she's done with you? Stop trying to get her to engage. Go or don't go to the Sunday tea.

You might think her going NC is trivial because it's just a name, but based on the way you talk about her, I suspect it runs a lot deeper for her and has brewing for a long time. For her, the name was possibly the final straw after a long list of microaggressions.

Because it's only you who feels this way right now. It's not fake to the GPs (and so what if it is?), it's a genuine moment of all their grandchildren around them and your personal spat isn't part of that. You are determined to make it all about you.

I'm done, honestly. It's very clear that you are willing to give completely distorted and incomplete stories to your daughter to serve your purposes so there's no reason to suppose you aren't doing it to us as well. Your story is full of holes and for all your righteous guff about protecting your daughter, you're clearly weaponising and exploiting her to get a grovelling apology that is never going to happen. You'll throw her relationship with her cousins and the GPs' twilight years under the bus as collateral in your pointless, doomed quest for their submission. They wronged you, absolutely, but that doesn't mean you can't possibly also do wrong in your response. They were pissed off about the name for six months, you're pissed off about the lack of apology until the end of time.

You can put some distance between yourself and someone else without being inexcusably rude towards your in laws and letting your spiteful and petty behaviour undermine your husband and children's relationship with their relatives.

Literally all that was required of her was to say "congratulations" when our DD was born, come along and meet her once, keep her feelings about the name to herself, and tolerate us at the occasional family event, and she couldn't even manage that.

You can put some distance between yourself and someone else without being inexcusably rude towards your in laws and letting your spiteful and petty behaviour undermine your husband and children's relationship with their relatives.

Hard to know if you're talking about your SIL or yourself here, because this could apply to both of you...

You really cannot see it OP, even though it's been explained to multiple times here.