It's an in law one...

[inlawproblems]

First of all, I must start by saying that I love my PIL... 99% of the time.

DH has two brothers. One of them lives in the same town as us with his wife and children, and the other lives five hours away with his wife and child. We get on well with the one who lives five hours away but we haven't seen them for over a year due to the distance. They will be visiting next weekend and we are looking forward to seeing them.

Things aren't so great with my other BIL and his wife. His wife hasn't spoken to us for 18 months since our daughter was born, for a really stupid reason. He is backing his wife up but we don't think he really believes they are in the right. Before my daughter's birth we all got on well.

Literally everyone thinks they are being completely ridiculous and the thing they are upset about is utterly trivial. To avoid drip feeding, they are upset that we named our daughter a very common top 10 name which also happens to be their daughter's second middle name.

Anyway. We have invited the visiting BIL and his wife and child for Sunday lunch next weekend. We were also planning on inviting PIL.

When I mentioned this to FIL two weeks ago he said he was rather hoping that we would do something all together. I said that until BIL and SIL acknowledge how hurtful their behaviour has been and apologise to us, we don't want to have a relationship with them. FIL said they will never explain or apologise, and so I said in that case we won't be seeing them. He wants us to just let it go and play happy families. I made it very clear that doesn't work for us.

Today PIL came round for lunch and everything was normal, nobody mentioned next weekend. And then an hour or so after they'd gone home, MIL put a message on the family WhatsApp group saying they want us all to come round for cake next Saturday afternoon and Grandma will be there too.

We have not replied yet. We don't want to go. We feel that we are being strongarmed into seeing them and pretending everything is normal, when what we want is to have a discussion. (They have refused multiple requests from us to meet and talk.) PIL are banking on the fact that if we go next weekend we won't want to cause a scene in front of Grandma, or be unpleasant to SIL who is two months postpartum. (I wouldn't piss on her if she were on fire at this point but I recognise that the optics of having a go at a woman who's just had a baby in front of the entire family aren't great.) They're right about us not wanting to make a scene in those circumstances. That's why we don't want to go.

AIBU?

Thanks for reading if you made it to the end of this!

@rainbowstardrops i have no idea how you come to the conclusion that OP is the problem.

the SIL is the type of person who thrives on making people angry. Yes - op is angry and rightly so!

this thread has been eye opening and shows why so many narcissists seem to get away with it. People seem to blame their victims- it’s crazy!

You're the one who brought up that she was Muslim and who also said she was probably jealous of you being a white woman/your DC will have an easier time of things. Can you not see how that reads?

It's therefore not hard to assume the name was the tipping point, not starting point, of her wanting to go NC.

BIL previously mentioned to DH that they were going through a rough patch and he wasn't sure it would work out between them. So obviously that was what DH thought. We didn't think it could really be anything to do with us because we hadn't done anything.

Looks like this thread will fill up before we find out the outcome!

OP, have you decided what to do?

Another option is you could do what BIL and SIL - drop off your dc at PILs and leave.

That way PIL can try getting their picture and you can be on hand when the dc start crying to pick them up.

I only brought it up because someone asked if there was an ethnicity element to it. I would have been lying if I'd said no, we're all from the same race/religion/culture. I don't give a flying fart what ethnicity someone is from or what they name their children. It makes no difference to me or the rest of the family. So please don't try to paint us as racists because we are really not.

No one says you have to like her.

You could go and be civil which could mean saying hello, a nod of acknowledgement and leave it at that.

I have family members I’m not particularly keen on but them being present wouldn’t stop me from going to a family event to see the family members I do like and enjoy their company.

I can assure you, any "microaggressions" she may have perceived would have been as imaginary as the name problem.

You can’t assure anything and this is absolutely sh*tty thing to say.

No thanks, we actually parent our children properly and would not put them in that situation!

the SIL is the type of person who thrives on making people angry. Yes - op is angry and rightly so!

OP hasn't seen or heard from her in 18 months and they weren't very friendly prior to this. I fail to see how SIL is thriving on making people angry. She is literally staying out of the way.

OP is getting angry all by herself!

No she doesn't deserve your response. She obviously wants to keep her distance from you. She is setting her boundary and does not want to be near you. It may be because of the name but most likely its something bigger than that. She doesnt like you (and/or your husband) and doesn't want a relationship with you for whatever reason. You need to accept that and move on. You never had a great relationship anyway.
The anger and rage you are displaying towards her is completely disproprtionate. The more you have said the more your absolute hate has come across. It is absoutley not justified.
You have received a lot of good advice here but you cannot take it because you cannot see beyond the end of your own nose.

Now I'm being accused of imaginary crimes. That feels familiar.

Indeed. I see no evidence that OP is the problem in this situation.....this is supported by the fact she is remaining rational and measured in her responses despite the full-on kicking she is now getting on this thread, & is a credit to her.

I just don't seem to be reading the same thread that other posters are reading. So what if she is venting on here about her SIL, this is a safe anonymous place to do that and don't people do that all the time.

Why is it fine for her to keep her distance from us but not for us to keep our distance from her?

I don't want my children in the same room as her for quite obvious reasons.

I can assure you, any "microaggressions" she may have perceived would have been as imaginary as the name problem.

You've come up with a few imaginary scenarios yourself over the course of the thread.

I suspect that SIL is scared of OP and that's why she tries to give her a wide berth.

Don't blame her. I've only beome aware of OP through the miracle of the internet and I find her a bit scary myself tbh!

BTW...your username....do you foresee wedding bells in the next installment then?!?

Thank you.

I think I am getting out all my frustration in this thread in the hope that it will help me to be more calm in real life.

These are the things I would love to say to them but never will for obvious reasons.

Such as?

How does how they celebrate their kids birthday have anything to do with OP? She is entirely assuming that they blew of their own kid just to spite her which is frankly utterly ridiculous.

The invited OPs kids to a play date for their kids birthday which allows their kids to have a relationship with OPs kids even though the adults do not get along, they did not weaponize their kids... that is NOT a bad thing.

OP does not need a special acknowledgement and a pat on the back for bare bone basic things you are expected to do in life.

Yes, keep your distance from her. That is the best thing for everyone.
Forget about her.

Not what I said nor accused you of anything.

I’ll clarify. You can’t speak for your SIL and how she feels about anything you’ve said to her in the past regardless if you said anything about her background or not. People can and do say things without thinking how it may come across to minority groups. You may think you haven’t said anything but your SIL may think otherwise.

They both are shit stirring narcissists, SIL and OP, if so

Except apparently you all thought he rushed into marriage and made a huge mistake marrying her.

Agree.

Exactly the point I was trying to make. OP cannot speak for what her SIL may have felt about things said to her in the past.

SIL is actually a non practising Muslim.

she is culturally Muslim

Ooh this should have been in your OP.

As a British Pakistani Muslim, I know it’s frowned upon (culturally not Islamically) in many families in Muslim countries to give your children the names of your parents/grandparents, or even the names of other family members. So a bit opposite to Western culture where it’s an honour to have children named after you. My mum gives me the side eye if i jokingly refer to her by name! It’s a cultural issue.

So it’s likely there is some cultural context to this.

SIL should have explained this, but maybe this will give you the impetus to just go to the party for PIL’s sake and ignore SIL and BIL.

I don't understand how some posters think that their shit treatment of the OP on this thread is supposed to help her deal with this painful situation better. It is really starting to turn my stomach now.