It's an in law one...

[inlawproblems]

First of all, I must start by saying that I love my PIL... 99% of the time.

DH has two brothers. One of them lives in the same town as us with his wife and children, and the other lives five hours away with his wife and child. We get on well with the one who lives five hours away but we haven't seen them for over a year due to the distance. They will be visiting next weekend and we are looking forward to seeing them.

Things aren't so great with my other BIL and his wife. His wife hasn't spoken to us for 18 months since our daughter was born, for a really stupid reason. He is backing his wife up but we don't think he really believes they are in the right. Before my daughter's birth we all got on well.

Literally everyone thinks they are being completely ridiculous and the thing they are upset about is utterly trivial. To avoid drip feeding, they are upset that we named our daughter a very common top 10 name which also happens to be their daughter's second middle name.

Anyway. We have invited the visiting BIL and his wife and child for Sunday lunch next weekend. We were also planning on inviting PIL.

When I mentioned this to FIL two weeks ago he said he was rather hoping that we would do something all together. I said that until BIL and SIL acknowledge how hurtful their behaviour has been and apologise to us, we don't want to have a relationship with them. FIL said they will never explain or apologise, and so I said in that case we won't be seeing them. He wants us to just let it go and play happy families. I made it very clear that doesn't work for us.

Today PIL came round for lunch and everything was normal, nobody mentioned next weekend. And then an hour or so after they'd gone home, MIL put a message on the family WhatsApp group saying they want us all to come round for cake next Saturday afternoon and Grandma will be there too.

We have not replied yet. We don't want to go. We feel that we are being strongarmed into seeing them and pretending everything is normal, when what we want is to have a discussion. (They have refused multiple requests from us to meet and talk.) PIL are banking on the fact that if we go next weekend we won't want to cause a scene in front of Grandma, or be unpleasant to SIL who is two months postpartum. (I wouldn't piss on her if she were on fire at this point but I recognise that the optics of having a go at a woman who's just had a baby in front of the entire family aren't great.) They're right about us not wanting to make a scene in those circumstances. That's why we don't want to go.

AIBU?

Thanks for reading if you made it to the end of this!

They sound awful.

They've been more than happy to upset the family dynamic because of a stupid perceived injustice (a second middle name! Who cares!).

SiL is full of her own self importance, trust me with this type of person there would have been a fall out anyway at some point.

Why should OP be the 'better' person? SiL and BiL have totally disrupted the happy family dynamic, they've ignored all the olive branches extended to them, and OP has finally run out of energy to try and put things right.

Having read the OP's posts I can't agree that she sounds petty and petulant....what I sense overwhelmingly is a massive amount of hurt. It sounds as though the OP has already tried to heal this and has given up now, and that she has reached this position not on a whim but after a lot of bitter experience and unsuccessful attempts by her & her DH to resolve it.

I think some posters have given the OP a very hard time here. It really does sound as though she has already tried to be the 'bigger person' and it has been thrown back in her face. She does not sound like the stereotypical 'problem' daughter-in-law that some posters are suggesting; literally her first statement is that she loves her PIL.

Having said that I don't think her PIL are to blame, and I can see what some posters are saying about rising above this and BIL/SIL's limitations and not losing out on future family events because of it. Maybe it is still too raw though, for this particular family event? I think there is actually a big risk that things could kick off.

FWIW one of my nieces was given one of my middle names as her first name....don't know whether her parents knew beforehand but it didn't even enter my head to resent it.

I'm totally with you on this OP. No-one owns a name and no-one uses middle names anyway so your SIL is being absolutely ridiculous in falling out with you over this. If you'd chosen the same first name as their daughter I could understand her being a bit pissed off but for a middle name it's madness. And I think your in laws could at least have acknowledged that their other daughter in law was being ridiculously precious.

I think you're getting a hard time here but this is Mumsnet where unless you have posted to say that your much loved elderly cat was deliberately run over by a drunk driver who then proceeded to laugh and make dead cat jokes then you are guaranteed to get a hard time just for posting as for many people on here, attacking and baiting the OP is how they get their kicks.

This
Poor gp's never being able to see their whole family at the same time.
In the grand scheme of life, when none of us promised a tomorrow this is ridiculous and petty.

So she made a big thing of the naming...

And now you're making a big thing of the fact she made a big thing about it....

When does it stop?

You did nothing wrong by choosing the name (maybe a quiet word before announcing might have smoothed it but you’ll never know) they are being ridiculous with this grudge- but….. don’t punish pil. They want to see their grandchildren together and get some lovely memories and photos, the behaviour of bil and sil is absolutely nothing to do with them or their responsibility. Go to the tea, be civil for everyone else.

To add my dh family is similarly broken, the ‘pil’ in the case both have cancer and a desperate for their children not to be at war and it’s breaking them, don’t be that family!

I agree with this. I think OP has had a very hard time on here. Feels like people think they have 'gotchas' over the littlest things. I find it very confusing that if a husband was repeatedly giving his wife the silent treatment, refusing to even acknowledge the hurtfulness of his actions let alone discuss to resolve, it would definitely be a LTB thread. Yet OP is being told to get over it in another relationship. Basic respect should exist in all relationships.

It is very hard to be the bigger person. Especially when other parties caused the situation. OP and her husbands hurt and anger won't go away, it won't actually be resolved. It will always be there and when something happens in future which it likley will, it will all come up again.

I think OP is right to seek for it to be resolved so they can move forward. In saying all that, I would go to PIL. Not to let it go. Because I would refuse to be the person to miss out due to someone elses bad behavior, it would make PIL happy to see grandkids together and it could be the catalyst to have a much needed conversation. Worst thing is they go and nothing changes.

It sounds like you both like to be the drama

The problem is with any argument is that there is one side truth, the other sides truth and that the actual factual truth in the middle - this one sounds as if both sides have got so entrenched in their own warped version of the truth that it has become a battle of winning rather than putting feelings aside for a fairly reasonable request from the PIL.

does it matter OP if she does win it is achieves all the grandchildren together.

it sounds as if you are very different characters who will never get on and who apart from one key characteristic very different and that is not backing down at all

would seeing it not as her winning but you actually being able to be the bigger person and out the argument to one side help

You all sound pretty childish to me.

Honestly OP it sounds like the BIL and SIL are moving on and you need to give them an opportunity to save face.

By being petty now you're stooping down to their level. Some people are terrible at apologising, their loss. Surely you can rise over this?

That's not the case, though.

SiL went NC because of the name. She could have spoken about it, she could have let it go, but she didn't. She decided to not even congratulate OP and freeze her out. Totally OTT and hurtful.

OP has not made a bigger thing out of it, she's literally tried several times to address it and smooth it over, exactly as any normal reasonable person would do.

SiL & BiL continued their drama, and OP has finally had enough and has put some boundaries up, fully within her rights to do.

This situation has been completely caused by SiL & BiL.

OP you should have posted this in relationships.

Second time I’ve said that recently.

AIBU is a place for twats to play games with what you say, too often.

Of course you shouldn’t go. But I would leave it to your DH to say once more to his parents what you’ve both told them already and to say that they need to respect your boundaries on this as they aren’t going to change. The ball is in the other court.

FWIW I agree with others- this isn’t about the name on its own -there would always have been something, eventually. I think your PIL will discover that once they don’t need childcare any more, she freezes them out too. That’s if the marriage lasts.

She’s ruined the relationship between brothers. Maybe your DH should just point that out to PIL in very simple terms, and say that he, more than you, isn’t prepared to just have that be made ok by the family.

I would hate for my two boys to be fighting over something their wives feel the need to fight over.i hope they are still speaking separately and i feel for the mother in law in all this.

What other people do or say can only hurt us if we allow that to happen. We are responsible for our feelings - no one else is.

If you are still hurt OP find somewhere to express this hurt so that you can let it go & move on. It's damaging you & your DC's more than you think.

This!!! Hilarious.
they’ve been really stupid. But honestly if you don’t lean into moments like this to show you find it all silly and pointless they’ve won a sort of power over you. Plus you start looking petty.
stop asking to have side discussions etc just go along and eventually everyone will forget why they argued in the first place

‘My two boys’ 🙄

RTFT

The DH doesn’t want to go more than OP. And he’s the one who insisted on the name.

And then sat back and watched as his wife wrote an apology letter for choosing the name to his brother.

I'd throw a curve ball and thank in-laws for facilitating your get together and say you look forward to speaking to the others and clearing the air. Go and absolutely clear the air. She's calling the shots here, go, be smiley but firm. I'm sure your parents in law can manage the children while you all step into the back room / front garden to clear the air. There isn't a need to allow it to grow, be the bigger person and call it out.

Have you even bothered reading the thread? Or do you just want to stick the boot in?

Op has been perfectly clear that her DH is furious, with both SIL and his own brother, and doesn't want to see them. That isn't Op's doing.

Holding on to grudges just isn't a viable or mature way of life. Your husband and in laws know deep down they were unreasonable. How can that not be enough for you?
It's just part and parcel of being an adult. People do hurtful things, we move on. Because yes, part of family duties involves making an effort to put one's feelings aside.

If not, one becomes harry and meghan, alienating everyone one by one because they can't let go of grudges.

Honestly this wanting them to be humiliated into apologising sounds so ... strange? Of course it won't happen.

She created a problem out of something that wasn't a problem.

It was clearly a problem to her, something you refuse to acknowledge / accept.

Read this thread last night.
Is it possible that all this isn't really about the baby name at all?
It's clear that you don't particular care for her and weren't keen from near the start. No criticism from me there - we have had something similar going on in our family and no doubt in thousands of others. High-maintenance narcissists are hard to tolerate. Ours has been creating drama for nearly 40 years, probably because the rest of us don't want to rock the boat by calling them out.

You have drawn your line in the sand, which you are perfectly entitled to do but there will be fallout, as you are seeing. I'm afraid I don't see a chance in hell of her apologising.

I understand your annoyance at PIL's actions in what feels like manipulation to turn up to an event. You want any meet-up to be on your terms, with you in control. This afternoon tea party is not the time so, yes, duck it if you want.

But I see this horrible situation going on for years unless someone shifts their stance. As I said, I don't think it will be her and BIL has nailed his colours to her mast (understandably, in a way. She's his wife and he has to live with her) so it won't be him either.

I do feel sad for your (otherwise nice) PILs.

But op has said that if they showed the tiniest bit of goodwill towards them it would be enough to allow a start... She isn't wanting them to 'be humiliated into apologising' where have you got that from @Commonsense22 !?
As it is her significant attempts to reconcile have been utterly blanked...
You can't create a reconciliation, or if that's too ambitious even just a civil presence, with someone who meets every communication with silence...

What a shame. Everyone’s life feels a little poorer because of this.

Can’t DH have a full and frank discussion with his brother and they agree to move on for PILs’ sake? I know you are saying the PILs didn’t support you but maybe they don’t want to take sides between their two sons and ( maybe) they were a little bit sympathetic over the name thing, even though it’s silly?

If they have agreed to the meet, perhaps they feel it’s ridiculous. And now you’re carrying it on? As for expecting a ‘conversation’, I’m a great one for sweeping things under the carpet - rant to DH as much as you like but where would any discussion get you, other than raking over it again?

Life is so short, your PIL and grandma don’t deserve this. Be the bigger people and move on.