It's an in law one...

[inlawproblems]

First of all, I must start by saying that I love my PIL... 99% of the time.

DH has two brothers. One of them lives in the same town as us with his wife and children, and the other lives five hours away with his wife and child. We get on well with the one who lives five hours away but we haven't seen them for over a year due to the distance. They will be visiting next weekend and we are looking forward to seeing them.

Things aren't so great with my other BIL and his wife. His wife hasn't spoken to us for 18 months since our daughter was born, for a really stupid reason. He is backing his wife up but we don't think he really believes they are in the right. Before my daughter's birth we all got on well.

Literally everyone thinks they are being completely ridiculous and the thing they are upset about is utterly trivial. To avoid drip feeding, they are upset that we named our daughter a very common top 10 name which also happens to be their daughter's second middle name.

Anyway. We have invited the visiting BIL and his wife and child for Sunday lunch next weekend. We were also planning on inviting PIL.

When I mentioned this to FIL two weeks ago he said he was rather hoping that we would do something all together. I said that until BIL and SIL acknowledge how hurtful their behaviour has been and apologise to us, we don't want to have a relationship with them. FIL said they will never explain or apologise, and so I said in that case we won't be seeing them. He wants us to just let it go and play happy families. I made it very clear that doesn't work for us.

Today PIL came round for lunch and everything was normal, nobody mentioned next weekend. And then an hour or so after they'd gone home, MIL put a message on the family WhatsApp group saying they want us all to come round for cake next Saturday afternoon and Grandma will be there too.

We have not replied yet. We don't want to go. We feel that we are being strongarmed into seeing them and pretending everything is normal, when what we want is to have a discussion. (They have refused multiple requests from us to meet and talk.) PIL are banking on the fact that if we go next weekend we won't want to cause a scene in front of Grandma, or be unpleasant to SIL who is two months postpartum. (I wouldn't piss on her if she were on fire at this point but I recognise that the optics of having a go at a woman who's just had a baby in front of the entire family aren't great.) They're right about us not wanting to make a scene in those circumstances. That's why we don't want to go.

AIBU?

Thanks for reading if you made it to the end of this!

I know it is easier to say than do, but I would attend and be pleasant. Somebody needs to break the ice and hopefully mend the rift in the family. Good luck.

If you don't want to see them then simply don't!

Well, perhaps this is the opportunity you’ve wanted this whole time. Time to grow up and be the bigger person. “I appreciate you agreeing to meet with us after so long. Shall we get this sorted?”
Sometimes the thought of that first interaction after a fall out is worse than the actual fall out.

Dh’s db and sil named their dc our ds’s second middle name.
Beyond being slightly surprised I didn’t give it another thought.

I have read all of your comments @inlawproblems and I think your dsil may not like her in laws much and this has given her an excuse to throw a bomb into her dh’s family relationships. However she needs pil for childcare.

I understand your feeling of dread too.
I suspect you are the more reasonable of your in-laws dil’s and consequently being pushed to be ‘the bigger person.’ I was a little upset myself when I went low contact with bil ( whilst having never remarked on some very nasty comments he put about me on sm) that my dh’s family still think I should be the one to smooth things over. I never rippled anything in the first place.
When bil didn’t invite us to a celebration and invited every other family member I was honest when a cousin asked if we were attending and replied that we hadn’t been invited. Dh’s family said I should have said we were otherwise engaged!

In your shoes I would decide what your boundaries are and stick to them. Your sil is deliberately being nasty, to ostracise a new baby over a name is unhinged imo.

People like your sil who weaponise their dc to get their own way with pil are selfish and immature.

5 pages of replies and you are still arguing your point. Really not sure why you posted, for validation you’re right? You’re both as bad as each other, it’s the in-laws I feel sorry for knowing their kids are behaving like children

This woman clearly doesn’t want to talk to you yet you seem quite annoyed about that!

You were not close before, and nor are you now. How can you be so furious about the fact she doesn’t want to know you?!

Just let this go and be civil when attending family events - or at least send your husband to them without you

You keep saying they owe you an apology - FOR WHAT? They’ve not actually said anything offensive

Wise up

Is this a script from Eastenders?

You all sound completely irrational. I couldn’t care less about the name (we used a family middle name as a first name) but the vitriol exuding your posts is insane. It doesn’t matter, be the bigger person and get over it. Go or don’t go for cake but you are expending far far too much energy on this drama.

You really need to let this go. You do you and let them do them. Be the bigger person.

If you are in the same room, be normal. You are harming yourself by keeping this going.
They will look silly if they behave badly.

You will never get an apology. All they can do is try to move on.

You sound really bitter and childish .maybe you should consider what you are teaching your children in this scenario.
Yes your Sil is also being an idiot but it dosnt mean you have to lower your self to her level. I feel sorry for your PIL. Have you even stopped to consider how they feel instead of just how everybody is picking on you. Grow up

You said they want to meet up and move on? You sound like YOU are the one who wants the big blow up 'discussion'. You call them agressors but you are the one that wants the PIL to threaten to remove childcare and the ones who are refusing to meet.

I’m absolutely on your side OP. I had years of my mum ‘papering over the cracks’ and pretending everything was ok. So we all did what we were told to keep the peace. SIL is being a brat. Any you’re not the bad person for standing up to this. People will try and manipulate you to make things appear ok. But they’re not. I STILL have to refuse to go to events and come out as the one causing trouble and I’m fine with that now. It’s rather freeing. Incidentally I know someone who soooo petty about an event and created an awful mood on the day because people didn’t pander to her. Everyone thought she was being a twat. If SIL is like this about a name she’s like it about other things and annoys others and one day everyone will realise.
Dont put your feelings aside for her pathetic attitude. Own it!

Pil dont have to address bil and sil. Thats between you two couples

Personally i would go mainly because i cba with drama. It also makes you the bigger person. Then the balls in their court. They either go or not

No one can make you get over it and you clearly have no intention of doing so.

I can see why you are hurt, their reaction to the name issue was ridiculous and upsetting. But whether you have done so in the past or not you are definitely not “offering olive branches” now, you seem to want some sort of truth and reconciliation committee where they confess their sins, you explain why they are evil and then benevolently consider forgiving them. That is not going to happen.

There may be factors about the name or your SiL and BiL’s situation at the time they behaved the way they did that go some way to explaining their behaviours. There’s no reason to give them the benefit of assuming there were better reasons but I wouldn’t assume there definitely weren’t.

So your choice is whether to smooth it over or to maintain no contact, your preferred option of them grovelling clearly isn’t going to happen. It’s your choice but given you previously got on well, it’s important to PiL’s who you like and it would be nice for the cousins to know each other I would suck it up. Especially as it seems PiL aren’t going to drop it and you don’t want this drama in your life at every family event for the rest of PiL’s lives. If you go and they are dicks then that’s another matter but I’d give just getting over it a chance.

Oh, and the suggestions of hair clips and personalised t shirts are funny but if you start doing things like that then you entirely lose any moral high ground you have left (which you may already have done by refusing to see them on anything other than your unrealistic terms).

You being silly threatening to not go unless they apologize. Grow up there and let it go. Just go and you look the bigger person. Your inlaws want the family together so just do that. This silly behaviour over a name doesn't matter. Ok dh and sil acted silly but you are now too. Forget it! It's in the past.

I do think you’ve been very civil up to now, going to parties, writing letters.
up to this point your family will think your SIL/BIL are absolutely nuts and behaving badly.
If this escalates though there’s a solid chance you two will look like the obsessive lunatics.
Go, either ignore SIL or treat her gently like someone with a very below par mental health status, don’t stay long, charm offensive for everyone else at the party, so it’s clear who is deranged and who are the best ones.
If SIL really is as destructive and manipulative as you say it will probably end in divorce anyway, and then your problem will be solved.

Why don’t you reach out to them (her) before the tea and cake event, and say you are very much looking forward to seeing them and think it would be a great opportunity to have a good long chat about everything that’s happened, for the sake of the PILs.

Tell them you are keen to hear their perspectives of the situation, and share your own, and say it’ll be a wonderful chance to hear each other out and then make amends with a hug and a kiss.

Then they won’t turn up and you can enjoy your Victoria sponge in peace.

Good luck OP!

So even though it your husband who pushed for this name, BIL is blaming you?

And posters want you to be the ‘bigger person’ to this twat and his wife?

Fuck that. This cake eating has been engineered because they’re all put out you haven’t been running round to congratulate them on baby 3, like you did for their first 2 babies, even though SIL didn’t so much as text you about your baby.

It absolutely isn't the time and place to thrash it out, FFS. The rest of the family (especially the visiting brother and his wife and kids) don't need to witness this crap.

It's the time and place to just be civil, chat to the other relatives, and get used to being in the same room without kicking off.

I think you not going will paint you as the bad guys. You should go, plan not to speak to SIL and see how they react. Get there early so you don’t have to do the walk in and greet everyone. Make yourself busy when they arrive.

Going low contact over a name (especially a second middle name) is ridiculous, but you haven't come across well in these posts OP. I would be interested to hear BIL/SIL version of events, as I suspect there is more to this and the name thing is an excuse.

A couple of things standing out.

You say you and DP are extremely hurt by BIL/SIL behaviour, but (unless I have missed this) you haven't explained what it is they have done other than going low contact, which it sounds like you were already? Extremely hurt suggests something more/worse has happened.

How much contact were you in when BIL/SIL young child was poorly and hospitalised? This seems to coincide with the period you had the baby, so it's entirely reasonable that they would have more important (to them) and worrisome things on their mind.

It's not up to you to dictate whether your PIL can or can't invite their own children to a family gathering (or whether they provide childcare for their grandchildren, and on what terms). Of course, you can say no to the gathering, but this would suggest to me that you aren't as interested in reconciliation as you're trying to make out. You're interested in being right.

You should never have sent that letter, it was your husband who insisted on the name, he should have sent that letter.

And now BIL is blaming you.

As usual, MNers don’t see this and will just keep blaming you, OP.

Your SIL sounds like the sort who would find something to be offended by, no matter what you did. I’ve never heard anything sillier than ‘stealing a middle name’ !

Blimey I’ve never read responses on a thread where people have jumped to their own conclusions so much. People need to read the OPs updates and stop making up their own narrative.

It seems pretty clear to me, you’re BIL and SIL have been totally petty and unreasonable, it’s also very childish for them to not even have an adult conversation with you about being upset about the name. To just cut contact is ridiculous. Similarly your PIL are also being unreasonable to force you into a corner on this and not respect your wishes. I’d message them privately and say you’re not going to go because of the reasons already explained and that’s how it’s going to be going forward unless BIL and SIL come to their senses and apologise.

You seem to be getting a lot of flack for not messaging your SIL when her baby was ill but I can totally see what you didn’t. There’s no flack coming your SILs way when she didn’t bother messaging you after you had your daughter. I really don’t understand why you’re getting such a hard time here, you’ve done nothing wrong IMO.

Is that why BIL and SIL failed to show for their own son’s party at PIL’s house?