It's an in law one...

[inlawproblems]

First of all, I must start by saying that I love my PIL... 99% of the time.

DH has two brothers. One of them lives in the same town as us with his wife and children, and the other lives five hours away with his wife and child. We get on well with the one who lives five hours away but we haven't seen them for over a year due to the distance. They will be visiting next weekend and we are looking forward to seeing them.

Things aren't so great with my other BIL and his wife. His wife hasn't spoken to us for 18 months since our daughter was born, for a really stupid reason. He is backing his wife up but we don't think he really believes they are in the right. Before my daughter's birth we all got on well.

Literally everyone thinks they are being completely ridiculous and the thing they are upset about is utterly trivial. To avoid drip feeding, they are upset that we named our daughter a very common top 10 name which also happens to be their daughter's second middle name.

Anyway. We have invited the visiting BIL and his wife and child for Sunday lunch next weekend. We were also planning on inviting PIL.

When I mentioned this to FIL two weeks ago he said he was rather hoping that we would do something all together. I said that until BIL and SIL acknowledge how hurtful their behaviour has been and apologise to us, we don't want to have a relationship with them. FIL said they will never explain or apologise, and so I said in that case we won't be seeing them. He wants us to just let it go and play happy families. I made it very clear that doesn't work for us.

Today PIL came round for lunch and everything was normal, nobody mentioned next weekend. And then an hour or so after they'd gone home, MIL put a message on the family WhatsApp group saying they want us all to come round for cake next Saturday afternoon and Grandma will be there too.

We have not replied yet. We don't want to go. We feel that we are being strongarmed into seeing them and pretending everything is normal, when what we want is to have a discussion. (They have refused multiple requests from us to meet and talk.) PIL are banking on the fact that if we go next weekend we won't want to cause a scene in front of Grandma, or be unpleasant to SIL who is two months postpartum. (I wouldn't piss on her if she were on fire at this point but I recognise that the optics of having a go at a woman who's just had a baby in front of the entire family aren't great.) They're right about us not wanting to make a scene in those circumstances. That's why we don't want to go.

AIBU?

Thanks for reading if you made it to the end of this!

I know it’s a cliche, but life really is too short. Plus you’re cutting off your nose to spite your face. It would be another chance to see the other brother and family.

@Apolloneuro totally agree life is to short

They have not cut contact with you over it, you were very low contact before, you did not know the health problems of their child, and as I said before operations on under 1 do not just happen, there would have been a build up.

Your BIL came and saw your baby, I bet it something you said at the lunch you had, that made your SIL go no contact.

Zero marks for reading comprehension.
Top marks for imagination.

You've got literally all the details wrong and made up some total nonsense.

I'm out.

But all the details here are things you have said OP.

"they shit all over our family and stop complaining?"

She stopped talking to you. Even though you only talked at family get togethers and not independently. How on earth is that shitting all over your family?

She was clearly hurt by your using the name (more likely it was you not speaking to them privately and letting them know you were going to use the name - that's just common courtesy) but you aren't acknowledging her feelings at all - like you are the only one allowed to be upset. Her child was gravely ill and you didn't reach out - that is unconscionable and if I were her I'd be expecting a massive apology for that from you - no wonder she's cold towards you.

You are more worried about 'winning' than the family being happy - clearly you don't give a toss about ruining your husband's relationship with his parents, his brother or his nephews and niece. I've got news for you - you have lost, this is consuming you and making you twisted and bitter. As a result your children have also lost - they get to spend less time with an ailing great grandmother, and their grandparents, and their cousins because you are being manipulative and childlike.

If you truly care about your children and your husband you go to the family get together and act like an adult. No one is asking you to be BFFs, just civil. If you can't even manage that then you need to see a therapist because this is now all you, no one else.

You sound totally exhausting, domineering and petty. I feel for your husband and PILs.

What total nonsense.

All I have mentioned is what you have written in your numerous posts.

I wouldn't go. You've made your feelings clear.
Enjoy Sundays plan instead.

Don't let facts get in the way, it goes against the OPs rhetoric

You might think it is acceptable to re-use part of a cousin’s name, but not everyone agrees. I certainly don’t. I think you should have picked a different name. If you had your heart set on the name, the least you could have done is asked their permission in advance and accepted a declination graciously.

when you announced the name they didn’t throw a fit. They just retreated and stayed silent. They followed the policy of if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. They did the right thing.

you could have ended this by making a genuine apology for not realizing they would feel this way about the name. Anything you have said though is not genuine because you clearly feel nothing but disdain for their opinion on the issue.

the fact remains that they are the ones who are owed an apology.

Likewise OP traditionally we have every male child names their first daughter and son after his parents. Then the second daughter and son are named after the mothers parents. ( I know I know very sexist )
Middle names of the first children are always from the mothers side.
As such every first male and female in my paternal family have the same names.
My dad had a lot of siblings and louds of the cousins all now have the same names.

Not surprisingly I find your SIL s reaction very extreme, maybe because I’m so used to it but also because we don’t own a name. We can all chose what we like and in a way I’d be honoured if someone liked one of my kids names to call theirs the same.

She did say she sent them a letter explaining why they picked the name but got no response.

Situations like this aren't fixable because there are no rational reasons behind the fall out. SIL was always going to do this, it was just about waiting for a reason to kick up a fuss and go no contact. OP - you've done your best to sort it out, it's not worked, so it's now time to make peace with that and accept there will be no future relationship with them because they don't actually want one with you.
Your PIL also need to accept this and stop putting pressure on you. And they put the pressure on you because they know you are the rational ones who are most likely to do as they ask.
My favourite phrase from mumsnet is "you can't argue with batshit crazy".

The SIL never liked you and the middle name “stealing” gave her the chance to seize a reason to show her disdain. I’d stay away from them. She sounds unbalanced.

Think @AMillionPeopleCheering and @BlueBirdBell have hit it well and truly on the head.

With my SIL it was because we had a book shelf🤷‍♀️

I’d like to point out there are two random people on this thread, using Bluebird, which is indeed my name. I won’t be eating cake with them any time soon .

I feel bad for your PILs who you think should basically blackmail SIL & BIL into apologizing to you by threatening childcare.
I'm curious OP, when your two kids are adults, if they and their partners have a fall out with each other how will you feel? Would you want your children spend time together with you and their families?
Years back my SIL (DHs sister) did something that was very hurtful at a time when our family was in the middle of a horrible time. I swore I would never speak to her again. And I didnt for several years. But then my PILs were having a family gathering and wanted all the family there. So I went for MILs sake. And I decided I had a choice to just let it go, or be miserable the rest of my life. I chose letting it go and it was so freeing. SIL and I get along great now. Did I ever have a meeting with her about what she did to hurt me? No, but it doesnt matter. Life is too short. YOU will feel so much better if you just let it go. Its not about winning or losing, its about not letting things eat you up for the rest of your life.

BIL was an absolute fool to marry her.

Ok - This comment alone makes you seem like a nasty bitch.

And this does not add up in my opinion.

I think the bouquet idea is crazy (sorry!) but I did write a very long and heartfelt letter to my BIL back in February, where I explained that we didn't choose the name to upset them, we had literally no idea that it might upset them, and explained how we came to our decision to use that name (because he really did seem to be implying that we made a last minute decision to steal his daughter's middle name just to piss them off). It took me most of the weekend to write, because I am an immigrant in this country and had to write it in his language, not mine. He never acknowledged it.

So you’re an immigrant with such poor written English that it took you a weekend to write a letter yet this evening you have written 5 pages of messages with flawless English using quite complex words/ terms. I call bullshit.

I took that to mean she is in a different country where English is not the language spoken. I dont think she said she was in the UK did she?

Just show up and be civil. I’d be less worried about your kids one day asking questions, and consider showing them how it’s quite possible to be civil despite a falling out whilst also allowing them to build relationships with their family. These days it’s seems people can only deal with any level of disagreement by avoidance, to the extreme of going no contact for basically having a difference of opinion. Whilst unless a family tradition I think I’d have not used the cousin’s name, you are still within your rights to have done this. She is within her rights to feel upset too but not to react so disproportionately. Families!!!! Aghhhh.

Be polite but firm with your PILs. “We have explained on many occasions why we do not wish to see BIL and SIL. Should they be willing to apologise, we will of course be willing to listen, but until then, that is where our interest in the matter ends”.

Everyone knows a thumbs-up emoji is code for “fuck you”. I agree with a PP that SIL has never liked you and is glad of a reason to show it. Don’t go to the party, OP. You made your position clear and it’s perfectly acceptable to keep your boundary. I feel sorry for your PIL but too bad. They’ve tried to force your hand, which is pretty unfair of them.

THIS

She really is a fruit loop.

@inlawproblems My son has one of the commonest boys names going-in fact, my brother is named the same name- no one fussed.

We just wanted an ordinary, classical name.

I took it to mean that OP is English - and she had to write the letter in BIL's language.