It's an in law one...

[inlawproblems]

First of all, I must start by saying that I love my PIL... 99% of the time.

DH has two brothers. One of them lives in the same town as us with his wife and children, and the other lives five hours away with his wife and child. We get on well with the one who lives five hours away but we haven't seen them for over a year due to the distance. They will be visiting next weekend and we are looking forward to seeing them.

Things aren't so great with my other BIL and his wife. His wife hasn't spoken to us for 18 months since our daughter was born, for a really stupid reason. He is backing his wife up but we don't think he really believes they are in the right. Before my daughter's birth we all got on well.

Literally everyone thinks they are being completely ridiculous and the thing they are upset about is utterly trivial. To avoid drip feeding, they are upset that we named our daughter a very common top 10 name which also happens to be their daughter's second middle name.

Anyway. We have invited the visiting BIL and his wife and child for Sunday lunch next weekend. We were also planning on inviting PIL.

When I mentioned this to FIL two weeks ago he said he was rather hoping that we would do something all together. I said that until BIL and SIL acknowledge how hurtful their behaviour has been and apologise to us, we don't want to have a relationship with them. FIL said they will never explain or apologise, and so I said in that case we won't be seeing them. He wants us to just let it go and play happy families. I made it very clear that doesn't work for us.

Today PIL came round for lunch and everything was normal, nobody mentioned next weekend. And then an hour or so after they'd gone home, MIL put a message on the family WhatsApp group saying they want us all to come round for cake next Saturday afternoon and Grandma will be there too.

We have not replied yet. We don't want to go. We feel that we are being strongarmed into seeing them and pretending everything is normal, when what we want is to have a discussion. (They have refused multiple requests from us to meet and talk.) PIL are banking on the fact that if we go next weekend we won't want to cause a scene in front of Grandma, or be unpleasant to SIL who is two months postpartum. (I wouldn't piss on her if she were on fire at this point but I recognise that the optics of having a go at a woman who's just had a baby in front of the entire family aren't great.) They're right about us not wanting to make a scene in those circumstances. That's why we don't want to go.

AIBU?

Thanks for reading if you made it to the end of this!

So you did not have much of a relationship before your daughter was born. You were civil to each other at family events.

What were you expecting after your daughter was born?

You said your bil came round with his kids to see your new baby. Yes, it would be nice if she came too but maybe she needed a break from her two young kids.

If my husband reacts to a photo in a family whatapp group I often don't. I kind of see it as my husband is reacting for our family. If I send a congratulations message he probably wouldn't send another congratulations message. He would assume my message covers our family.

I think you really need to get over this OP. I think you have blown it out of proportion in your head.

I stole my nephews first middle name and used it for my son’s first name. It was also my father and brother-in-laws name. As far as I know no one is upset.

Her child was ill......you had no real relationship.

Go to the inlaws, smile and leave with no drama, its not hard

No, my baby was three months old then. Hers was a one year old. Not that it matters.

Look, if you have such a distant relationship with someone that they don't even congratulate you when your baby is born or even acknowledge your baby's existence at all and show zero interest in meeting your baby (who happens to be her children's cousin), you don't have the kind of relationship where you're cooking them a month's worth of casseroles and babysitting their other kid when their child is in hospital.

Either you have that kind of relationship or you don't, and it was obvious to me that she had decided we didn't have that kind of relationship.

Her child was not ill when she went no contact with us and is not ill now.

I was expecting her to say congratulations and at least meet my baby. Like she did when my first baby was born, and like I did when her children were born (even when it was very painful for me due to infertility). This is a completely normal thing to expect from a SIL, whether you are close or not.

Anyway... I'm off to bed.

Thanks for all the input anyway. My husband and I will talk tomorrow and decide what to do.

Honestly! You’ve been given advice on how to thaw relations, but you don’t want to. It’s now clear you are the problem. Grow up! You are causing unnecessary harm and grief.

What does resolving it look like to you?
You sit down together and then what?
What so you imagine you say?
What do you think they will say? What would you want them to say? What is it you think will resolve this?

The advice is basically to turn the other cheek and put our feelings to one side for the greater good, with zero goodwill from them in return.

The thing I think you’re not thinking about, OP, is that this other couple think that you’re the dick.

Whether you think it’s daft or not, they’re pissed off about the name. In their eyes, you’re the one in the wrong. They don’t think they owe you an apology, quite the opposite.

In the grand scheme of things, does it really matter? In plenty of families there’s people who don’t get on. Why do you want to be the part of the family missing out on a whole family get together? Seems a shame.

Grandmas funeral should be an interesting day.....

Let's hope it's sorted before then, which it won't be.

I'd like to understand why they are so upset about the middle name, to the point they've decided to cut contact with us over it.

The advice is basically to turn the other cheek and put our feelings to one side for the greater good, with zero goodwill from them in return.

The advice has been to not go! But you've ignored that!

My OP is literally "AIBU not to go".

I'm giving up.

You're making this all about you, and not considering anyone else in the family. You've been bearing this grudge, as a couple, for way too long. This is no way to live.

Take the other brother's visit as a positive impetus for change. All you have to do is spend a little bit of time at your PILs and eat cake. Chat to visiting brother and family. Chat to Grandma, interact with the kids. Smile and say hello to BIL and SIL like nothing ever happened. If there's any more interaction from/with them, keep it light and consider everyone else. If there's no other interaction from them, then you tried.

Good luck.

Yes. You have it in a nutshell.

They have shown this if you read the ops post. Many times, and then they very reasonably gave up.
also who says they are willing to go to their pils and be nice? They did a spectacular no show to their own child’s birthday (which the op did go to, as an example of one of the occasions where they’ve shown goodwill that you missed). They might just not turn up.
or they might only be willing thinking the
op will turn up. The op should turn up, but that’s a separate point. She should turn up because in 20 years she will wish she had. (And call her daughter’s name across the room- Rosie, cake time!)

THANK YOU.

I'm glad someone was actually reading.

I'm off to bed.

Because sometimes that’s the mature thing to do. This is one such occasion. Be charming. If you can, forgive them unilaterally and move on. Believe me, it will pay you back in kind in other ways.

@inlawproblems you've been told countless times you don't need to go!

No one wants your bad attitude at a party, don't go.

PIL invited you out of duty and trying to do the right thing, but no way will want you and DH there if you can't "act"

Stay home, eat chocolate,

You'll have made your point.

There doesn’t need to be this level of drama Op , there’s bound to come a time when you all have to be in the same place as eachother. Why not do it this weekend then get on with your life. Talk to the extended family eat the cake, job done.

People don't always do what we want them to do and we should not judge other people by our own standards.
You were never close so I am not sure why you are getting so upset about this. If you had been very close and she suddenly went nc it would be more understandable why you were upset.
She was clearly very busy with 2/3 very little kids and I am sure many other things ( that you don't know about).
I know its upsetting that you feel she did not acknowledge your baby but you really need to get over it.

Having now read your responses don’t go let them have a enjoyable family afternoon all together while you and your dh sit there angry and resentful waiting for an apology that isn’t going to happen yes dsis behaved badly initially but don’t expect to be invited and included again to family events

Wow some exaggeration. The op thinks she should acknowledge their existence, not fall all over them. Oh wait, you’re right, there is more. She thinks the sil should acknowledge their existence AND not badmouth them to her own children, which is pretty bloody pathetic and poor parenting. This kid will get to school, find 2 other kids with his name, and wonder if they are supposed to be mortal enemies for all time.

you are completely rewriting the story to say the op thinks sil should fall all over them. Maybe start your own thread for the creative writing?