It's an in law one...

[inlawproblems]

First of all, I must start by saying that I love my PIL... 99% of the time.

DH has two brothers. One of them lives in the same town as us with his wife and children, and the other lives five hours away with his wife and child. We get on well with the one who lives five hours away but we haven't seen them for over a year due to the distance. They will be visiting next weekend and we are looking forward to seeing them.

Things aren't so great with my other BIL and his wife. His wife hasn't spoken to us for 18 months since our daughter was born, for a really stupid reason. He is backing his wife up but we don't think he really believes they are in the right. Before my daughter's birth we all got on well.

Literally everyone thinks they are being completely ridiculous and the thing they are upset about is utterly trivial. To avoid drip feeding, they are upset that we named our daughter a very common top 10 name which also happens to be their daughter's second middle name.

Anyway. We have invited the visiting BIL and his wife and child for Sunday lunch next weekend. We were also planning on inviting PIL.

When I mentioned this to FIL two weeks ago he said he was rather hoping that we would do something all together. I said that until BIL and SIL acknowledge how hurtful their behaviour has been and apologise to us, we don't want to have a relationship with them. FIL said they will never explain or apologise, and so I said in that case we won't be seeing them. He wants us to just let it go and play happy families. I made it very clear that doesn't work for us.

Today PIL came round for lunch and everything was normal, nobody mentioned next weekend. And then an hour or so after they'd gone home, MIL put a message on the family WhatsApp group saying they want us all to come round for cake next Saturday afternoon and Grandma will be there too.

We have not replied yet. We don't want to go. We feel that we are being strongarmed into seeing them and pretending everything is normal, when what we want is to have a discussion. (They have refused multiple requests from us to meet and talk.) PIL are banking on the fact that if we go next weekend we won't want to cause a scene in front of Grandma, or be unpleasant to SIL who is two months postpartum. (I wouldn't piss on her if she were on fire at this point but I recognise that the optics of having a go at a woman who's just had a baby in front of the entire family aren't great.) They're right about us not wanting to make a scene in those circumstances. That's why we don't want to go.

AIBU?

Thanks for reading if you made it to the end of this!

I so want to hear the SIL version of events.

I don’t know, you say your bil and sil are ridiculous and unreasonable but then you said you’re not willing to do anything until they apologise so your in laws are stuck between two stubborn couples. I don’t blame them for trying to force ye all into a room- they’re trying to get their family back together. And horrible for the other in laws coming in on this too.

Exactly. Incredible how OP is trying to twist it. First she said she thought it was awkward to send her a message as she hadn’t heard from her SIL in 3 months, and now all of a sudden she knew then her SIL was slagging her off to everyone, even though her earlier posts don’t claim she was slagging her off but was arguing with her husband instead.

There are more holes in this story than a bloody sieve

Don’t think OP realises we can see all her posts on this thread. Her story keeps changing to make herself the victim.

I can understand your point of view but, on balance, I think it will be better to go and make a massive fuss of grandma - make it obvious that you're there for her.

It’s so wrong to drag your in-laws into this by basically asking them to side with you, because that’s what you’re suggesting here. It’s a silly disagreement between you and the brother and his wife. Be grown ups and deal with it between you.

I feel so sorry for your PIL . They must be in despair at these two women their sons brought into their lives. Yes your insistence that there be a post mortem and a BIG apology is unreasonable and frankly pathetic. As is her reaction over a name.
Some day , your kids will say that they have no contact with their uncle, aunt and cousins because the girls name being a middle name upset the mother . And the other mother wanted a formal apology for her bring upset. FFS
Also unfair to blame BIL for taking his wife's feelings over yours. If he didn't he would be a crap DH .
You sound like a real piece of work in these posts. Despite so many people pointing out alternatives that could be used you seem determined to stick to your own agenda. Hope you can thrive in your indignation .

For the first few years we were friendly to each other at family events but had no relationship beyond that. Then when I was about 8 months pregnant I asked her if she had any tips about having a successful VBAC and we agreed to meet up for lunch. She was half an hour late and didn't message me to say she'd be late, which privately annoyed me, but I obviously didn't make an issue of it. Then a month later my daughter was born, she didn't congratulate me, I sent a message to say thanks for the helpful advice and she sent me a thumbs up. Arranging the lunch and that exchange is literally our entire text history. We had never exchanged texts outside of the group chat until about a month before my daughter was born.

So believe me, we really did not have that kind of relationship. I had hoped our lunch would be the start of us getting to know each other better, but obviously it wasn't.

I thought her thumbs up in response to my message and lack of congratulations was weird and rude at the time but I thought maybe I was being oversensitive due to postpartum hormones or maybe I'd caught her at a bad time and we would see them soon anyway.

Only we never did.

So by the time we heard that their daughter was ill (and we weren't given any details at all, just that she was having an operation), my last communication from her had been that thumbs up and since then they've refused all of our invitations to meet up.

I was feeling the cold and I didn't know why so thought it was best to communicate via BIL who I have actually known a long time and was close to (or so I thought).

It's really difficult to explain how weird and upsetting this situation has been to someone who hasn't been in it.

I strongly suspect OP was pissed off SIL hadn’t been more excited when baby was born that she deliberately didn’t message to make a point.

And then SIL was hurt that her child was unwell in hospital and OP made no effort.

And it’s gone downhill from there. And that’s based only on what she’s been willing to share on this thread. I suspect she’s played a bigger part in how the relationship has deteriorated.

For the first few years we were friendly to each other at family events but had no relationship beyond that.

But you also say

I promise you, I have never been anything but nice to SIL. Before the fall out we went for lunch together just the two of us.

Which one is the lie? 🤥?

Your posts are contradictory.

Huh? What? I'm not complaining that she wasn't excited enough when my baby was born. She literally did not acknowledge my daughter's birth at all, and still hasn't. She has still never met my daughter even though they live about a mile away from us.

How would you feel if you had a baby and your BIL and SIL didn't congratulate you or acknowledge that you'd given birth at all?

Especially when you'd made a huge effort to celebrate the births of their children even when you'd been going through infertility?

Are you now saying you never had a good relationship?

Because the I was always nice and we lunched together seemed to say you did have a good relationship!

If they did agree to meet you and 'discuss' it I don't think it would make any difference to your level of hatred. You will never l like her.
Your poor PIL.
You, your DH and the BIL/SIL are being equally pathetic but you could recognise this, be the bigger person and come out with more respect and brownie points.

It's not contradictory. We were friendly to each other at family events but we didn't text each other or meet up just the two of us or anything like that.

We lunched together one time. A month before my daughter was born. As I said, I had hoped it would be the start of us getting to know each other better.

I would be willing to move on for PIL's sake if they showed even the smallest amount of goodwill towards us.

Same here!! One auntie, whose son was born second, but she'd picked / announced the name months in advance, was raging, but she got over it in time. The Andrews are in their thirties now.

I thought her thumbs up in response to my message and lack of congratulations was weird and rude at the time but I thought maybe I was being oversensitive

You were. What's wrong with a thumbs up? Because I've got a lot of friends that I need to fall out with if a thumbs up as the only response, is rude. I've never thought anything of it other than (at worst) that the sender is probably busy

@inlawproblems she's not interested in a relationship with you, being married to brothers doesn't mean she wants to be your friend.

Anyway it should've be BIL bringing gifts etc for your DD, he's the blood relative. So not sure why SIL is getting the blame for that.

Op I mean this kindly you need to let this go and I say this as someone who had 2 nightmare dsil 2 brothers married 2 sisters I was never going to fit in

yes they behaved badly but you holding on for an apology that isn’t going to happen you being so angry and resentful isn’t good.

nobody has won everyone is losing out pil are in a difficult situation stuck in the middle can’t have all their family together you dh doesn’t have a relationship with his db and the cousins don’t have a relationship

they are obviously prepared to be in the same room as you so why not go be civil they may apologise to you or they may want to build bridges

Both my dsis passed away years ago wouldn’t wish that for them or their dc and life did get easier but I never got to clear the air have it out with them find out what their problem was but their now adult children have said they treated me unfairly and now have a great relationship with my dc

we have also had a bad year with 5 sudden unexpected deaths including dh brother who had a heart attack and we had to switch off his life support so life really is to short to be holding grudges and family is so important

I would be willing to move on for PIL's sake if they showed even the smallest amount of goodwill towards us.

They're probably thinking the same thing.

At least they're prepared to go to their PILs, knowing that you're invited. That's more of a sign of if goodwill then you're even close to.

You are now saying that you were not close and never communicated before your daughter was born, and yet you think that she should be falling all over you because you had a second child.

What goodwill did you show towards her when her tiny baby was ill and in hospital (a 3 month old looking at the timeline) you also when she was out of the woods.

I think your SIL has shown her boundaries and frankly she is right and you cant accept it. You have shown your true colours and the SIL does not want the drama, and I really do not blame her.

Really?

So, your SIL has a baby. You don't congratulate her. Three days later she messages you to say thank you for your helpful advice and it went much better this time. You still don't say congratulations. You don't ask her how she is. You don't say anything about the baby. You just send a thumbs up.

That's normal, is it?

In my world that's rude.

But the point is that what followed was three months of her declining every single invitation to meet the baby (via her husband, no direct communication with us of course).

Of course that's weird and rude.

That's why I felt weird about contacting her again and I think anyone would in that situation.

I would be willing to move on for PIL's sake if they showed even the smallest amount of goodwill towards us.

What something like going to a family party and being civil to you....

I think you expect them to go down on bended knees, they're not going to.