It's an in law one...

[inlawproblems]

First of all, I must start by saying that I love my PIL... 99% of the time.

DH has two brothers. One of them lives in the same town as us with his wife and children, and the other lives five hours away with his wife and child. We get on well with the one who lives five hours away but we haven't seen them for over a year due to the distance. They will be visiting next weekend and we are looking forward to seeing them.

Things aren't so great with my other BIL and his wife. His wife hasn't spoken to us for 18 months since our daughter was born, for a really stupid reason. He is backing his wife up but we don't think he really believes they are in the right. Before my daughter's birth we all got on well.

Literally everyone thinks they are being completely ridiculous and the thing they are upset about is utterly trivial. To avoid drip feeding, they are upset that we named our daughter a very common top 10 name which also happens to be their daughter's second middle name.

Anyway. We have invited the visiting BIL and his wife and child for Sunday lunch next weekend. We were also planning on inviting PIL.

When I mentioned this to FIL two weeks ago he said he was rather hoping that we would do something all together. I said that until BIL and SIL acknowledge how hurtful their behaviour has been and apologise to us, we don't want to have a relationship with them. FIL said they will never explain or apologise, and so I said in that case we won't be seeing them. He wants us to just let it go and play happy families. I made it very clear that doesn't work for us.

Today PIL came round for lunch and everything was normal, nobody mentioned next weekend. And then an hour or so after they'd gone home, MIL put a message on the family WhatsApp group saying they want us all to come round for cake next Saturday afternoon and Grandma will be there too.

We have not replied yet. We don't want to go. We feel that we are being strongarmed into seeing them and pretending everything is normal, when what we want is to have a discussion. (They have refused multiple requests from us to meet and talk.) PIL are banking on the fact that if we go next weekend we won't want to cause a scene in front of Grandma, or be unpleasant to SIL who is two months postpartum. (I wouldn't piss on her if she were on fire at this point but I recognise that the optics of having a go at a woman who's just had a baby in front of the entire family aren't great.) They're right about us not wanting to make a scene in those circumstances. That's why we don't want to go.

AIBU?

Thanks for reading if you made it to the end of this!

How frustrating but all these people telling you to be the bigger person I just don't understand. Being the better person is sometimes standing up to the BS. You didnt cause the situ, have tried to resolve it but they dont want to know and PIL are trying to manipulate... nope. Politely decline and move on

But the longer it goes on the harder it will be. At least at this event there are plenty of other peopl to talk to and dilute the situation.

Your preferred 'meeting with them to discuss their behaviour' sounds far more agonising to me.

@inlawproblems what do you want people to say?

You say it fills you with horror going, you say you can't act and neither can your DH, so you won't be civil.

You say grandma is not important ax she'll be "away with the fairies".

Your PIL have invited you, they can't take back the invite.

So just don't go, but stop acting like a victim because you've been invited.

PIL have invited their whole family to their home, they've done boring wrong.

Yes it will probably be awkward. But the longer it goes on the worse it will be.
You are not going to get a big sit down apology from them. Just accept that and be civil.
Do it for your kids and for your in laws. Also for yourself. It's not good carrying this bitterness around with you.
This is actually a good opportunity for you to put this behind you. Go in with a positive attitude, you won't be best friends but you can be civil.

Your being a drama llama

How did she try to resolve it when their child was unwell in hospital and she made a deliberate decision to not offer any support because she hadn’t heard from her SIL in 3 months, and this was before she even knew there was an issue over the name.

Obviously it's your call at the end of the day. But would it make it easier if you came up with a strategy, like you'll stay for x length of time then have a ready excuse to leave so you don't need to be there the full time. Busy yourself with the kids so you don't have to make small talk and talk primarily to pil. Avoid certain subjects and have an agreement with dh that if it gets too much you'll leave. These things are always awkward the first time you do them. But it does get easier with time. There was a long time where my mum couldn't speak to some of my dad's sisters (and for good reason) they just went to things and didn't speak, then were just very polite, and that grew easier in time and now they have all just let it go and while they aren't best mates they regularly help each other out when needed. The hard part is starting somewhere.

Horses for courses. What is agonising for us is never getting to clear the air or understand why they have done this.

Especially now we have learned that BIL didn't even agree with SIL that it was a problem.

I am still hopeful that BIL will come round eventually, even if his wife is an irredeemable dickhead.

Ffs - look just don’t bloody go then. Why even bother posting on here to ask when you know you are not changing your mind? You are not about to change your mind, neither are they. This relationship is dead. See your in laws separately. It’s them I pity the most. Imagine having to deal with 4 grown adults who are acting like 5 year olds. All of you need to grow up. FWIW - the name thing is stupid - I agree.

I am still hopeful that BIL will come round eventually, even if his wife is an irredeemable dickhead.

Stay away from the party.... you'll ruin it!

We both contacted BIL.

I felt that SIL wouldn't want to hear from me, although I didn't know why, and I was right about that.

That is literally what we want to do?

No, you have no idea if that was the case. You’re just saying it to make yourself feel better.

It's not that your feelings don't matter, it's that other people's feelings matter too! Life is way to short to split up a family over something so petty! SIL & BIL are not going to give you the apology you so crave, so be the bigger person and be civil when you're around them. You don't have to like them. Family is important and anything can happen to anyone at anytime, it's when those things happen that we start to wish we'd made different choices. Don't leave it too late.

@inlawproblems well then do it and stop banging on about it!

You'll not be welcome with attitude like you've got, so let the BIL and SIL go and enjoy the family time.

Stay away.

Agreed @WednesdayWeWearPink

How would she know that?

This is good advice..I know at the moment you're feeling like your dh is fully on board with never seeing them again but ultimately op I'd be trying to push him to mend this rather than digging my heels in with it for fear that he might one day end up with regrets . That's not something you want to end up in the middle of.

Thanks, this is a helpful perspective. I'll have another chat with DH tomorrow. We haven't decided how to respond to PIL yet. If we do go it'll be a lot of people in a very small space and we'll all be in very close proximity. I feel stressed just thinking about it.

He's more likely to start the process of coming round if he sees you at a larger family gathering where there's no pressure, than he will if you set up a meeting that just ends in an 'airing of grievances'.

How's he going to come round if you don't give him reason to? He needs to see you in the family environment, and be reminded of who you are in relation to his grandma, his parents, your kids, his kids. To see that there's a reason and value in starting contact with his brother again.

Of course I know. Our relationship never progressed beyond cordial in the first five years we knew each other and at the time her daughter got ill she'd spent the last three months banging on about how much she hates me.

Why would it fill you with horror.

Can you not see you are the one causing all this drama.

Grow up and be an adult.

The real losers here are the cousins, similar ages , could be close friends but their parents are too stubborn to be civil.

I thought you didn’t know about why she was annoyed until the 6 month mark. How did you find out between baby being born and their child being unwell?

Banging on with how much she hates you, please you had no clue for 6 months, after you did not bother to send her a message when her daughter had a health issue and was in hospital for an operation, you do know that there was probably months of hospital visits before this......

Of course I know. Our relationship never progressed beyond cordial in the first five years we knew each other and at the time her daughter got ill she'd spent the last three months banging on about how much she hates me.
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And
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I promise you, I have never been anything but nice to SIL. Before the fall out we went for lunch together just the two of us.

Which one is correct?