It's an in law one...

[inlawproblems]

First of all, I must start by saying that I love my PIL... 99% of the time.

DH has two brothers. One of them lives in the same town as us with his wife and children, and the other lives five hours away with his wife and child. We get on well with the one who lives five hours away but we haven't seen them for over a year due to the distance. They will be visiting next weekend and we are looking forward to seeing them.

Things aren't so great with my other BIL and his wife. His wife hasn't spoken to us for 18 months since our daughter was born, for a really stupid reason. He is backing his wife up but we don't think he really believes they are in the right. Before my daughter's birth we all got on well.

Literally everyone thinks they are being completely ridiculous and the thing they are upset about is utterly trivial. To avoid drip feeding, they are upset that we named our daughter a very common top 10 name which also happens to be their daughter's second middle name.

Anyway. We have invited the visiting BIL and his wife and child for Sunday lunch next weekend. We were also planning on inviting PIL.

When I mentioned this to FIL two weeks ago he said he was rather hoping that we would do something all together. I said that until BIL and SIL acknowledge how hurtful their behaviour has been and apologise to us, we don't want to have a relationship with them. FIL said they will never explain or apologise, and so I said in that case we won't be seeing them. He wants us to just let it go and play happy families. I made it very clear that doesn't work for us.

Today PIL came round for lunch and everything was normal, nobody mentioned next weekend. And then an hour or so after they'd gone home, MIL put a message on the family WhatsApp group saying they want us all to come round for cake next Saturday afternoon and Grandma will be there too.

We have not replied yet. We don't want to go. We feel that we are being strongarmed into seeing them and pretending everything is normal, when what we want is to have a discussion. (They have refused multiple requests from us to meet and talk.) PIL are banking on the fact that if we go next weekend we won't want to cause a scene in front of Grandma, or be unpleasant to SIL who is two months postpartum. (I wouldn't piss on her if she were on fire at this point but I recognise that the optics of having a go at a woman who's just had a baby in front of the entire family aren't great.) They're right about us not wanting to make a scene in those circumstances. That's why we don't want to go.

AIBU?

Thanks for reading if you made it to the end of this!

Honestly, even before the falling out that would have been a very odd thing to do.

That's just not the family dynamic. Anything more than messages of support - which we did send via BIL - would have been considered OTT.

She doesn't consider us part of her family and quite clearly never has.

And if it were me in hospital with a sick child, the absolute last thing I would want is a SIL I didn't even like sticking her beak in.

Think that posters are missing the fact that two brothers have fallen out. Why all the hate heaped on the DILs? Seems clear that one DIL is batshit and the OP has tried to sort things out but been met with hostility.
Curious as to what happens for birthdays and Christmas? Or PIL birthdays and wedding anniversaries. How does the family WhatsApp work? Do batshit BIL and SIL engage on it? Do they ignore anything you and your DH post? This is just me being curious
Does the thought of going full you with dread? Could you bear to be in the same room as them?
Your ILs don’t get to decide that everything just gets brushed under the carpet. You’ve stated your (reasonable) boundaries and they need to respect them. Emotional blackmail is a poor tactic

Yes you can win. You can take the high road, and focus on the people who've done you no harm.

You can focus on chatting to PILs, grandma, and visiting brother and family. Go through the social politenesses with BIL and SIL.
And of course you can act enough to do that. You just don't want to.

*Look, we're just not good at faking so we want to stay away from the whole situation.

Clearly we can't win here.*

Stay away then, if you can't act civilly for a few hours, then stay home.

No one wants you there if you're not being civil, maybe PIL presumed you could act civilly, explain you can't.

You just don’t come across as a very nice person OP.

You’ve been so aggressive, entitled, argumentative and righteous in your posts that I suspect the name thing is a red herring. SIL just doesn’t want to be around you and I don’t blame her.

Do everyone a favour - don’t go for cake.

Just adding that meeting up with cousins just a few times a year does make a difference. I did this ( we lived hours away) and I am still friends with them now I'm in my 50's. Just went and visitied one of my cousins for a few days. I'm not close with any of my parents friends kids except those I went to high school with., and that's more of a fb, yearly catch-up type thing.

Honestly, life is too short. I have been wronged by my sister in laws quite a few times over the years. I have been with DH for just over 20 years. I have learnt to live and let live and just keep contact to a minimum- so only see them when I have too.

Letting go of the anger is so much better. Go round for the cake and be civil. It will make things easier in the long run. You don't have to be best friends or even talk independently of the times you see your parent in laws.

Well it's something you will have to learn.
Because a lot of adult life is about being civil to people we may not like or agree with.

Last Christmas we were with my family. There haven't been any big family events in the last 18 months really. PILs are quite low key people so there have been plenty of family lunches and so on but never with everyone there at the same time.

We no longer engage with anything they post on the family WhatsApp group (other than saying congratulations when their baby was born). When we post pictures of our kids BIL tends to react with an emoji and SIL doesn't react at all. Same thing when we said congratulations, heart emoji from BIL and nothing from SIL. He apparently thinks he can maintain a relationship with us through the use of emojis and she has just gone scorched earth.

So yeah the idea of going does fill me with dread. I think my husband and I would both find it excruciating.

You've articulated my feelings really well. We're not asking PIL to choose between us. We don't mind if they do stuff without us because we know we'll have our own time with them separately and that's fine. It's just the fact that we feel so hurt by all of this and PIL know all the efforts we've gone to to try and fix things and now they're basically saying, "Just accept that they will never explain and never apologise and let it go because we want our family photo."

just accepting that they've gone no contact with us but being nice to them anyway.

This is literally all you need to do. Get over yourself and let them get over themselves. Problem solved.

So our feelings don't matter then? We just accept that they shit all over our family and stop complaining?

But your PIL do care! You're not coming across well at all OP. You can't see things from anyone's side but your own. Your poor PIL having to deal with all this drama. Just message and say we have plans Saturday, hope you all have a nice time. It's a short notice invitation so they can't really expect that everyone will automatically be free. If they speak to you or DH directly to ask why you're not going, then that's the time to tell them again why. They just want their children to get along so they will keep trying, that's their perogative. Just as it's your perogative not to go along with that.

Which is why they should have just said congratulations and let it go when our daughter was born instead of starting the cold war.

It might be OK for you but clearly it's not for your inlaws. They want to have their whole family together and that's only natural. You are coming across as very selfish here.

Personally I would go for the sake of the rest of the family unless I thought there could be some sort of argument. It's actually very unpleasant for them (the rest of the family). I expect your IL's feel they aren't taking sides and just want to stay out of it. I would probably be pretty cool towards SIL/BIL though. But I can understand why you and DH don't particularly want to go.

They are being ridiculous acting in this way over a middle name, but I think it has gone on too long now for you ever to get an explanation or apology.

Did one of their DC make the one comment? If so, it's a bit dramatic to accuse them of 'poisoning' them against you and it was a perfect opportunity to say something like "don't be silly, you can't steal a name and it's lovely that they can share it" or words to that effect.

Which you made worse with your own behaviour.

You are not the victim here OP. You really aren’t.

What's done is done. You need to get over it. You cannot hold on to this resentment.

What behaviour?

Not "showing up at the ward with a care package"?

Exactly. Just get over yourselves and let then get over themselves is absolutely the right advice.

There's no need for a big meeting to discuss the rights and wrongs. Just swallow your pride and go through a few pleasantries. Baby steps to a fairly normal life, instead of stewing on it for the rest of your lives.

Your poor PIL. I feel sorry for them. You ALL sound very petty. Get a grip. Go to the family gathering.

Yes, we will have to. But the idea of being in the same room as them just fills me with horror right now.

If you don't want to go, don't go - that's the beauty of being an adult.

You don't even have to give a reason.

Poor PIL. You all sound ridiculous and selfish. Just grow up. It’s your husband’s family- let him deal with it, and you stay out of it. This is why I had one child - I can’t stand ridiculous sibling feuds.

This post doesn't make sense. You're saying I don't come across well and can't see things from other people's point of view (believe me, I know this matters to PIL which is why I have tried so very hard to fix it), and then you tell me to do exactly what I'm asking if I am being unreasonable to do (just not go).

A simple text when their child was unwell in hospital. You made it worse. You made it into an issue.

You have come across as seriously unpleasant on this thread. Your PIL deserve so much better than you, and judging by how nasty your posts are, I strongly suspect there has been more to your behaviour to your SIL than you have shared here.