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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Told to f*ck off for forgetting a birthday

362 replies

Anonforthisq · 07/07/2024 19:54

First off I know im unreasonable for this part but I forgot my friends bday. I remembered the day after and texted on weds to say so sorry I forgot, happy bday, will drop a pressie round soon. Dont hear anything back but dont think anything off it, we both have young kids and busy lives. Texted her again today to ask if she wants to come to a concert I have tickets for next week and she just texted back ‘fuck off’

AIBU to think she’s totally ott?I know it’s bad I forgot (she always remembes!) but j apologised. It’s been a hard week. My youngest has slapped cheek and is miserable, oldest is SEN, I’m pregnant and have ADD. She knows all this btw. We’re women in our 40s, I like birthdays and celebrating but I wouldnt mind even a little bit of someone forgot my bday, especially if they apologised after.

I haven’t texted back and don’t know what to do now

OP posts:
TheBestEverMouse · 07/07/2024 23:53

My best friend regularly gives me my kids' presents weeks late but that's just life. And despite sharing a birthday with her she was weeks late with my gift! But she's my best friend not my ex best friend because everyone's busy and everyone has a life! No harm was meant so your friend is unreasonable.

Itisjustmyopinion · 07/07/2024 23:59

ZoomDoomZoom · 07/07/2024 22:44

Block and move on as life is too short for this nonsense. I've attended several funerals recently & there's nothing like a funeral to remind us how precious & short life is. I recommend going to one just to give yourself a reality check.

See I have also been to several funerals recently (some of fairly young people unfortunately) and if anything they have made me celebrate my own and my nearest and dearests birthdays even more than I would have previously

Its a privilege to have another birthday and if that makes me a child, as it’s been said so much on this thread, then so be it

stayathomer · 08/07/2024 00:02

Late to this but any chance someone else got hold of her phone/ she was texting someone else? Hopefully just a miscommunication op!!

OhcantthInkofaname · 08/07/2024 00:09

@Anonforthisq on one of my spitey days I would have answered "so that's a NO!"

Mothership4two · 08/07/2024 00:21

If a friend sent me that text I would have replied "presume that wasn't meant for me? 😂"

If she is serious I wouldn't ever have anything to do with them again unless they apologised and there was an extremely good (and believable) reason.

Catoo · 08/07/2024 00:25

So it was her birthday Tuesday.

On Wednesday you remember you missed it, say sorry you will drop something round soon.

Then you don’t send a card or arrange to go round or mention her birthday again.

Five days after her birthday, you still haven’t been round, you’ve bought her a £10 gift although she has no idea you have got anything. You text to see if she fancies going to a gig you already have tickets for and maybe she assumes someone else dropped out. Especially as you don’t mention it could be a belated birthday treat. You don’t mention when you’ll drop the gift round and your friend has still not had a birthday card from you even though she always makes a big effort for you.

She’s probably decided she’ll stick to the people who did remember and not the ones who CBA.

Probably she could have been politer about it. You can either leave it, see if she calms down and contacts you again one day, or ring her to see if you can put it right.

Hb7x3 · 08/07/2024 00:35

Some of the replies on this thread are completely insane!

RisingSunn · 08/07/2024 00:44

Catoo · 08/07/2024 00:25

So it was her birthday Tuesday.

On Wednesday you remember you missed it, say sorry you will drop something round soon.

Then you don’t send a card or arrange to go round or mention her birthday again.

Five days after her birthday, you still haven’t been round, you’ve bought her a £10 gift although she has no idea you have got anything. You text to see if she fancies going to a gig you already have tickets for and maybe she assumes someone else dropped out. Especially as you don’t mention it could be a belated birthday treat. You don’t mention when you’ll drop the gift round and your friend has still not had a birthday card from you even though she always makes a big effort for you.

She’s probably decided she’ll stick to the people who did remember and not the ones who CBA.

Probably she could have been politer about it. You can either leave it, see if she calms down and contacts you again one day, or ring her to see if you can put it right.

Omg. She apologised by text the next day and mentioned she had bought a gift and will drop it off soon. That should be enough. This is an adult!
OP has a family, works and her baby is/was ill. So she had planned to drop it enroute to work.

Some people are so entitled - to throw a tantrum and be so rude is absurd.

This is not even a close friend or family member!

Catoo · 08/07/2024 00:57

RisingSunn · 08/07/2024 00:44

Omg. She apologised by text the next day and mentioned she had bought a gift and will drop it off soon. That should be enough. This is an adult!
OP has a family, works and her baby is/was ill. So she had planned to drop it enroute to work.

Some people are so entitled - to throw a tantrum and be so rude is absurd.

This is not even a close friend or family member!

Show quote history

From her friend’s perspective: OP forgot. She texted she would take something over soon. She didn’t. When OP next texted she didn’t even mention the birthday.

You might not care. I might not. This friend did. OP knew birthdays were important to this friend. All this friend has had from OP so far for her birthday is one text the day after. As soon as OP realised she should have posted a card and sent some flowers. Job done. How on earth should her friend guess that OP will be over with the £10 present on Monday? She did not tell her friend this info. This plan was in OP’s head.

This friend cares. She is upset. Adults are allowed to be upset when people they care about appear to forget about them. She has overreacted for sure. Maybe she thought they were closer friends than OP thinks.

It’s absolutely fine if OP decides never to contact the friend again. But I think OP knows she let the friend down. She has had plenty of reassurance on here that she can never contact the friend again and saying the friend is in the wrong. I think they were both wrong. So I said so.

frenchfancy81 · 08/07/2024 01:05

I'd reply something like "hoping that wasn't meant for me ha ha..." and just see if that makes her reconsider (get over!) herself!!

Mmhmmn · 08/07/2024 01:10

I’d divest myself of that “friend”. Completely bizarre and obnoxious behaviour. Don’t be too nice, OP. Arseholes will take you for granted.

Mmhmmn · 08/07/2024 01:11

Catoo · 08/07/2024 00:57

From her friend’s perspective: OP forgot. She texted she would take something over soon. She didn’t. When OP next texted she didn’t even mention the birthday.

You might not care. I might not. This friend did. OP knew birthdays were important to this friend. All this friend has had from OP so far for her birthday is one text the day after. As soon as OP realised she should have posted a card and sent some flowers. Job done. How on earth should her friend guess that OP will be over with the £10 present on Monday? She did not tell her friend this info. This plan was in OP’s head.

This friend cares. She is upset. Adults are allowed to be upset when people they care about appear to forget about them. She has overreacted for sure. Maybe she thought they were closer friends than OP thinks.

It’s absolutely fine if OP decides never to contact the friend again. But I think OP knows she let the friend down. She has had plenty of reassurance on here that she can never contact the friend again and saying the friend is in the wrong. I think they were both wrong. So I said so.

Edited
Show quote history

Very weird take.

RisingSunn · 08/07/2024 01:33

Catoo · 08/07/2024 00:57

From her friend’s perspective: OP forgot. She texted she would take something over soon. She didn’t. When OP next texted she didn’t even mention the birthday.

You might not care. I might not. This friend did. OP knew birthdays were important to this friend. All this friend has had from OP so far for her birthday is one text the day after. As soon as OP realised she should have posted a card and sent some flowers. Job done. How on earth should her friend guess that OP will be over with the £10 present on Monday? She did not tell her friend this info. This plan was in OP’s head.

This friend cares. She is upset. Adults are allowed to be upset when people they care about appear to forget about them. She has overreacted for sure. Maybe she thought they were closer friends than OP thinks.

It’s absolutely fine if OP decides never to contact the friend again. But I think OP knows she let the friend down. She has had plenty of reassurance on here that she can never contact the friend again and saying the friend is in the wrong. I think they were both wrong. So I said so.

Edited
Show quote history

That’s the thing…she received a birthday text and apology the very next day and ignored the message! …She didn’t respond, so she was already in a huff which is just so silly. No matter how much you care about birthdays.

JustJoinedRightNow · 08/07/2024 01:40

Bristoluser · 07/07/2024 23:16

Wow! I can't imagine being friends with someone so high maintenance. I don't know when most of my friend's birthdays, they'd be pleased with a text as would I.

I'd text her back and I'd say 'Why did you tell me to fuck off? Because I didn't give you a present on your actual birthday? I'm sorry you're upset but I simply don't have the time or head space for this kind of drama.'

I would send this message. How dare she think she can just send a msg saying fuck off??
definitely call her out on it. How bloody rude

IReallyStillCantBeBothered · 08/07/2024 01:59

Wineontap1233 · 07/07/2024 20:11

Op I don't mean this in a nasty way but having ADD and or being pregnant and dealing with the kids isn't a get out clause for forgetting important dates or making effort for your friends bday. It feels like you put all that in to add weight to your side of the story. That said I'm really curious as to why someone would be so aggressive over one late bday text... would be interesting to hear their side... a late bday text really isn't worthy of being told to f off...

No excuse whatsoever to respond like that. Everyone has different issues and challenges and while I agree it’s not ice to forget her birthday her response is ott, childish and freaking rude.

Codlingmoths · 08/07/2024 02:03

Wineontap1233 · 07/07/2024 20:11

Op I don't mean this in a nasty way but having ADD and or being pregnant and dealing with the kids isn't a get out clause for forgetting important dates or making effort for your friends bday. It feels like you put all that in to add weight to your side of the story. That said I'm really curious as to why someone would be so aggressive over one late bday text... would be interesting to hear their side... a late bday text really isn't worthy of being told to f off...

Wtf? What is then? She didn’t forget her own kids birthday! Sometimes life is overwhelming, and good friends understand that. I’m unwell for months when pregnant, I have a full time job and after the first I had other kids too. It was just about surviving, I probably forgot loads of birthdays. Nobody cared.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 08/07/2024 02:12

Anonforthisq · 07/07/2024 20:16

I totally get it but what do you do if you do just forget? i have a lot of tactics to help me with the ADD (which js a disability) but sometimes i just forget snd then just have to make it up best i can. Im so forgiving of ppl forgetting things for me bcos i know sometimes u just make mistakes. I would never tell someone to fuck of for a mistake

Show quote history

You can set yearly reminders in Google's calendar app. I expect in lots of others too.

Id drop the present off, maybe it will smooth things over maybe it won't, but then you've at least tried. I don't think much of adult birthdays, but for whatever reason this is really important to her.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 08/07/2024 02:19

Anonforthisq · 07/07/2024 20:21

I havent failed i just havent done it yet. I didnt tell her a specific day, was going to go next time i passed her house.

no i dont often let her down - we dont socialise that much and its usually casual but ive never cancelled. Ive been to 3 of her bday parties and brought gidts. She didnt have a big party this yr cos her husband is working abroad 4 six months and she didnt want to organise it alone.

Show quote history

No party and husband away could be why she is feeling really sensitive and over reacted about it.

Pinkyhere · 08/07/2024 02:22

DarkDarkNight · 07/07/2024 23:23

I’d happily do as she asked. I can’t do with adults making a big fuss over their birthday.

Agree with this.
Nasty and ott way to respond.

ClawedUkelele · 08/07/2024 02:25

The "friend" sounds like an absolute that. She's no loss.

Nanaof1 · 08/07/2024 02:30

Everyoneesleistheproblem · 07/07/2024 21:59

You got it the wrong way round. The text came after.

Op is too busy and stressed to remember her friends birthday but not too busy or stressed to have organised tickets for herself DH and SIL to watch a gig at the pub.

Clearly the appropriate action should have been ( assuming a friend she likes) -

  1. So sorry forgot your birthday yesterday, will drop you your present Monday on way to work.
Not I forgot, will drop it round at some point 2.Hello. Sorry again about your birthday. XX are playing next Friday. Let me treat you for your birthday. Not I'm going out with DH and SIL Friday ...want to come.
Show quote history

And, the OP's ex-friend has entered the building.

Frogpole · 08/07/2024 02:37

It's hilariously easy to spot the crazies in this thread who absolutely would tell one of their friends the people who tolerate them to fcuk off for being a whole ten hours late with the "Hpy 46 bday xxc" text🤣

BettyBardMacDonald · 08/07/2024 02:38

ClawedUkelele · 08/07/2024 02:25

The "friend" sounds like an absolute that. She's no loss.

Agree. This thread is batshit.

Fancy being so entitled as to insult people who don't make a big fuss over one.

I hope OP has the sense to dump that drama queen.

KateJ521 · 08/07/2024 03:21

I think the thing to remember here is that the aim is not to keep friends or people in your life at any cost. Life is short and your time/energy/happiness/peace matter too. The question you need to ask yourself in times like this is, knowing this information and how this person has reacted, are they someone I genuinely want in my life. Are they one of my people? It's ok if not. You can let her go.

It firstly seems odd that a text or the absence of one would truly make a significant difference to anyone's day. When it's your birthday as an adult does whether you have a nice day or not really depend on whether you receive a short text from every friend you have on the day. If it does, it seems to smack of someone who is deeply unhappy, bored and mentally or at least emotionally unstable.

To me though, far worse than this, I suspend this person is all these things, knows you are kind and is using you slightly as an emotional punchbag op. Ask yourself this, do you think if her boss or close colleague/work friend would have forgotten but then apologised that she would have given them the same response? Of course not. Because she knows she would have damaged people's perception of her and that behaviour would not be tolerated in a normal adult environment.

This person feels safe enough and able to make you feel guilty for being a human, and is seising the opportunity to place their own inner sadness and anger on to you. It isn't yours to carry OP and I would choose my next step very wisely with a focus on self care and self respect!

KateJ521 · 08/07/2024 03:28

I'm a big believer in silence speaking a thousand words x