Friend blocked me after cancelled meeting

[RitaN]

I recently gave birth and wanted to meet with a friend to show her my baby and have a usual catch up. The plan was to meet for a coffee and cake in the neighbourhood town, which is 20 mins drive from me and 30 mins from my friend. 45 minutes before leaving my 12-week-old baby started purple crying and she was inconsolable. I tried to calm her down for more than 30 minutes before I finally texted my friend that I would have to cancel as my baby was really upset. She didn’t reply, so I called twice but she didn’t pick up. It was now 15 minutes past the time we were supposed to meet, and my baby finally calmed down a bit, so I asked her if she wanted to come to my place (as I didn’t want to risk my little one getting upset in the car), or if she wanted to reschedule for next week. In response she proceeded to block me, then unblocked me briefly to send a nasty next, and blocked me again. I was baffled. We’ve been friends for 5 years. I understand she was already en route but there was nothing I could do (apart from shoving a screaming baby into the car seat and driving anyway?). Was I AIBU to cancel on a short notice or is my friend unreasonable?

I don't feel bad that I decided to stay and comfort my daughter, but I am sad that my friend decided to end our relationship in that way. I don't think these two exclude each other?

Did you apologise for cancelling op, your original post just says you told her you’d have to cancel.

Of course I did! I apologised for cancelling and for giving such a short notice. I also tried calling to explain the situation but she ignored my calls, I guess she was angry.

Making any plans with such a young baby is somewhat tempting fate. It's sad that your friend has taken such offence but you do now have sufficient experience to make sure all plans have back-ups in place. Thus do we acquire wisdom. Don't be too hard on yourself.

which is 20 mins drive from me and 30 mins from my friend. 45 minutes before leaving my 12-week-old baby started purple crying and she was inconsolable. I tried to calm her down for more than 30 minutes before I finally texted my friend

With 20:20 hindsight - You left it too long before texting your friend. She would have already left and presumably not seen the message till she arrived. An earlier text saying "having a nightmare morning, not sure whether I'll be leaving here on time if at all. Don't set out till I text again to let you know I am on the way" would have saved your friend a wasted journey.

Even better hindsight - never make plans involving a newborn baby without everyone involved understanding and being ok with any last minute cancellation.

Getting you both dressed and not covered in babysick and out of the house with car keys and purse before noon is an amazing victory. After achieving which anything further away than 10 minutes is quite ambitious before the next unpredictable thing happens.

Blocking you is an overreaction on her part, although it's fair for her to be annoyed at you.

You’re generalising massively - despite the posts that have raised alerts about this pfb nonsense. I was 40 with DS2 - far more experienced. But there were times when it was far harder with him and, on a couple of occasions, frankly terrifying due to something that DS1 had not had or done.

OP, I would not have driven for a purely social event with a screaming baby. If a ‘friend’ became extremely annoyed with me because of that, that friendship would be over.

@OpizpuHeuvHiyo left it too late don’t you think a screaming baby is fore front in her mind ffs

child comes first when like that screaming, upset, etc and she’s apologised too what more do you all want

I don't have kids. But if a friend had recently had a baby and they had to cancel for the reason you've mentioned, I really wouldn't mind.

Yeah, it's mildly inconvenient for the other person, but while I haven't been there myself, I don't think it takes an empathetic genius to imagine that things in the first few months after having a baby are chaotic and also that an inconsolable, screaming baby is one of the stressful things to deal with. So my response would have been 'Oh no, that's a shame! No problem - we'll do it another time when the little one's feeling happier! Hope you manage to get some peace.'

She’s no friend. She should be offering to come to your house if you’ve recently given birth. Newborns are so unpredictable & early mum life is so hard! Honestly I wouldn’t bother with her again.

I think you’re getting quite a hard time OP. The first weeks with your first baby are very hard and stressful as you and the baby get used to it all. Your friend doesn’t understand because she doesn’t have kids- reasonable. What’s unreasonable is her ridiculous drama. My kid free friends were kind and understanding when I was in the first baby weeks. Forget the friendship, she sounds awful.

Not sanctimonious at all. Just people with perfect valid solutions on how to both calm a child AND maintain a friendship 🤷‍♀️

I agree, blocking was perhaps a little harsh but, if you've cancelled like this before, she's probably incredibly frustrated now.

Whichever way she did it, you should still probably call time on the friendship if you're struggling to maintain it.

I didn’t say it’s not harder with 2 ?

my third is def my hardest!

Yes you are totally right on all of this of course . However the one thing I will say is that this is AIBU where you put on your hard hat and invite people to bluntly tell you whether or not they think you were being reasonable. If validation, a sisterly arm is sought it’s probs best to go elsewhere.

I personally think OP was being unreasonable . I do think new mums need a huge amount of support- there’s no doubt how hard it is and I well know what PND feels like. But I also think that childless/ childfree people, especially women, need consideration too. We live in such a pronatalist society and new parents can be exceptionally self involved, and being childless/ childfree can be an exceptionally lonely place when all your friends have babies and act like their time is so much more valuable than yours.. So I see both sides. when I had kids I heard such a narrative of looking for “mum friends”. Making friends with mums with babies and children was undoubtedly so so important, but I also really wanted my childless/free friends to know that I wanted/ needed / valued them in my life too, and I’m so grateful for them now, because they connect me to a part of myself that isn’t all about being a mum and having kids. Earlier on in the thread I heard someone say to OP something like “why would you want to listen to your friend drone on, when you could be with your gorgeous baby” and I just think that’s such a horrible attitude.

But its not up to OP to save the friendship? There is no negotiating with this friend since she has taken offense at a perfectly ordinary event and blocked the OP. All this day after tut tutting and blaming the OP is irrelevant since she can not appease her ex friend.

Your friend is being ludicrous @RitaN you did nothing wrong. Life happens, people need to cancel. There is no need for people to reach the way she did. She's being precious and completely unreasonable.

Move on. No friendship is worth walking on egg shells in fear of how the other person will react.

My friend had a baby that CRIED. He could cry himself into such a state that he'd temporarily stop breathing. He was probably at around the same age where my friend found herself paralysed into the house by the relentless crying until she managed to text and get some support to get the day going.

On another occasion when DS was in nursery and I was out with them, baby was crying and crying and I wondered why I was engorged and flooding with milk at that time of day- my body was responding to the crying by releasing milk even though it wasn't my baby and was a time of day when I'd normally be in work, and adjusted milk supply accordingly. That's how powerful an effect of crying can have on a woman's/ mother's physiology.

It's certainly not ideal to have cancelled like that, but an empathetic friend would understand that sometimes you just can't carry on with plan A around an inconsolable baby and your head is scrambled by it. That's the biological point of it!

Her reaction is horrible. It sounds like she's self-absorbed and can't cope with OP no longer prioritising her and her dramas.
I'd consider that the friendship has run its course and block her in turn just in case she flip flops around. You don't need "friends" with that level of support.

I can see where she’s coming from…You already tried to get her round to yours but she said she couldn’t drive that far so you arranged to meet halfway, all fine. Then not even last minute but after the time you were meant to be meeting you cancel on her because the baby is crying….and again suggest her coming to you when she already said she couldn’t the first time. (That would annoy me because it’s like you didn’t listen or take that onboard, it’s all about what’s convenient for you)

Babies cry. To cancel entirely seems over the top, you could have just let her know you would be running late.

No, she can't now. People are just offering advice on how the situation could have been best avoided/how to avoid a similar situation in future.

Let’s beat down a mother with a baby.

empathy you seem to lack it.

a baby is more important than this grown woman’s childish behaviour. Baby was screaming is there something wrong with you that you don’t seem to understand that.

have you had a screaming baby it’s heartbreaking when you can’t do bugger all and freaking out into the bargain

but she’s to phone or text her friend whilst this is going on to appease her fuck off that doesn’t happen, normal friends text or phone themselves worried or they go to their house worried, but no this friend blocked her.

I never beat her down.

Nobody can see into the future but I will say that if you end up splitting up from a partner or if your partner/husband turns out to be totally uninterested in family things, then single friends can be a better fit even if you have kids and they don't. Also, seems a long way off when you've just had a new born, but there comes a time when being a mother as well isn't enough in common and you end up gravitating back to the type of person who you clicked with before you had kids.

We all know that having a tiny baby is overwhelming, the days are long but the years are short.

my kids are young adults so I get that my perspective might be just tooooo far a glance down the road. But I felt like this a decade ago.

Not 'beating down' anyone.

OP made arrangements with a friend and cancelled once the friend had already left. Sorry but that's just bad manners.

Yes, a child should always come first. But that doesn't change the fact others will get fed up always coming second.

Hasn’t there ever been any other signs that she’s a complete twat? You have a newborn baby, not only is that a pretty good reason to be late, but who would be so horrible when you’ve just had a baby?!

I cancelled 15 minutes before we were meant to meet. I didn’t know how long it would take my baby to calm down( she was purple crying) so I didn’t want to keep my friend waiting. I also didn’t want to risk her getting more upset in the car. I was just stressed and at that time it seemed like it’s best to cancel and reschedule. I tried to be flexible and accommodating and agreed to meet halfway instead of insisting on my place or waiting until the baby’s big enough to travel without drama, that was probably my mistake.

No good deed goes unpunished.

She’s had some issue with other people, but always been nice to me. We haven’t got a single argument in the past so I’m really surprised by her reaction.