Friend blocked me after cancelled meeting

[RitaN]

I recently gave birth and wanted to meet with a friend to show her my baby and have a usual catch up. The plan was to meet for a coffee and cake in the neighbourhood town, which is 20 mins drive from me and 30 mins from my friend. 45 minutes before leaving my 12-week-old baby started purple crying and she was inconsolable. I tried to calm her down for more than 30 minutes before I finally texted my friend that I would have to cancel as my baby was really upset. She didn’t reply, so I called twice but she didn’t pick up. It was now 15 minutes past the time we were supposed to meet, and my baby finally calmed down a bit, so I asked her if she wanted to come to my place (as I didn’t want to risk my little one getting upset in the car), or if she wanted to reschedule for next week. In response she proceeded to block me, then unblocked me briefly to send a nasty next, and blocked me again. I was baffled. We’ve been friends for 5 years. I understand she was already en route but there was nothing I could do (apart from shoving a screaming baby into the car seat and driving anyway?). Was I AIBU to cancel on a short notice or is my friend unreasonable?

She's selfish in that she can't see how much more the OP needs to do to meet w/ a friend than friend does. When a friend has a baby, you don't meet halfway, you go out of your way to meet her at the most convenient place for her and the baby. OP said this friend wasn't very understanding of her pregnancy sciatica either. Friend thinks the world should exist as it was pre-pregnancy/baby and can't see past her own selfish needs for rigidity.

Thank you everyone’s views, I can definitely see that she’s annoyed/upset that I cancelled, but I don’t think that blocking someone is a normal reaction to that?
I was in a situation when my sister was unable to come to my wedding due to her baby being very sick and I understood that sometimes life happens and it’s not like she did that on purpose. We still have a great relationship. Maybe I’m more chilled than my friend or don’t have boundaries 😀I agree with those that said it's time to look for new (mum) friends, hopefully they will be more understanding!

Sorry OP but I’m reading it where your friend travelled half an hour and then waited 15 minutes in the cafe where you’d agreed to meet at which point you cancelled the whole thing. She was understandably pissed off and started to make the journey back home when you text her again asking if she wanted to come to yours instead. It was pretty shitty behaviour on your part I’m afraid

This. She gave her time and made an effort for you and you were very inconsiderate of her.

I also don’t understand why a crying 3 month old baby necessitates you cancelling a meet up . Babies cry. Often the best thing to do when a baby is screaming is to take them out. Having said that , I have 3 children and we’d never leave the house if I applied this rule . Sounds like you are having first time mum / PFB problems.

Having said that I do think your friend overreacted by blocking you but perhaps she just needs some time to cool down. Or perhaps she’s seen this attitude I. You before and this is the final straw..

I was in a situation when my sister was unable to come to my wedding due to her baby being very sick and I understood that sometimes life happens and it’s not like she did that on purpose

but that’s a completely different scenario. You stood your friend up (after she’d travelled to specifically meet you) because your baby was crying!

Your friend doesn't have children so wouldn't really get it.

I don’t have kids but I’ve always been really considerate of my friends who have younger kids especially newborns and toddlers. mothers or non-mums are not a hive mind, people have different opinions, on this thread alone you see some mothers of multiple kids saying OP is YABU and some childfree who are saying YANBU.

If her friend is being inflexible that can be due to many reasons, not just not getting it due to not having kids.

Maybe you didn’t “get it” before you had kids, but some of us didn’t have to have kids before we can show empathy and understanding to people with babies.

I may not have had the experience so don’t know exactly what it feels like, but I certainly know enough about babies and have spent enough time around them to to get why a parent with a newborn may struggle to get out the door.

I’m so glad my friends didn’t value me less as a friend when they became parents , or instantly think I will be less supportive just because I don’t have kids. Many say I’m actually more supportive and helpful than some of their “mum friends”

@Balloonhearts

I think I'd have just written you off tbh. Last minute cancellation because the baby was crying is a bit of a pathetic excuse

What a spiteful post.

Needlessly patronising and mean spirited to a new mum getting to grips with parenthood.

Hope you feel better about yourself for posting that on her thread.

You sound like a lovely friend x x

She definitely overreacted and, actually, she's the one who's reacted in an emotionally immature way. You're a first time mum and your baby, your number 1, was screaming for a long time. Any decent mum would cancel or delay a meet up. You'd hardly put the baby in the car screaming and drive.

This is her issue that she's taking out on you.

It's very unfair and immature of her to block you without given you opportunity to talk about it. It suggests to me that she's either struggling again with her mental health or being selfish. Having a baby is a huge deal and it's bloody hard in the first year. I get she hasn't experienced it, but it doesn't sound like she wants to understand.

YANBU.

oh yes thanks @CustardySergeant
the rest of my post stands though
12 weeks is nothing.

Sounds like you are having first time mum / PFB problems.

I hate when PFB gets trotted out as a way to demean a woman's experience and degrade her to some kind of subcategory of motherhood. It's really rude and dismissive, and implies a sense of arrogance at having had more than one child.

My third child has been my most challenging, the worst sleeper with the strongest personality and I often feel like I'm winging it her far more than I ever did with the other two. My stress levels shoot through the roof much faster now and I feel much more burnt out and at times unable to think clearly compared to when I had one and was taking it all in my stride with my easy baby. This narrative that first time mums are precious, over sensitive weaklings who can't cope, and mothers of multiple children are chilled out pros who have it all in the bag, needs to stop. Rant over.

Well said!

And it's not just patronising, smug and mean spirited, it's dangerous.

Dangerous to make new mothers feel they are being over dramatic and 'pathetic' as one poster literally said on this thread (hopefully they're teaching their children to be more empathetic than that in real life) if they don't feel able to drive with a 12 week old baby purple crying. It heaps shame on top of their plates which are already full. Makes them feel silly for asking for help. Failures for asking for help. All affecting their mental health negatively rather than helping them feel supported and empowered.

Navigating the early days of parenthood is tough enough without having other women make you feel like shit too.

Sorry my comment wound you up so much , and yes PFB is definitely on the ruder side of blunt (this is AIBU after all!), but IMV it definitely captures something real and common in experiences of motherhood / parenting. When you have your first everything is novel and precious(!) and anxiety inducing, etc. the more children you have, the less you sweat the small stuff- partly because you’ve lived through it all before and come out the other side , and partly because you just don’t have the same time/ capacity/ bandwidth to care. This isn’t to suggest that first time mothers are some “subcategory of motherhood” , but they are fresher and less experienced as mothers (compared to women who’ve been doing it longer and/ or had multiple babies) , and with that often comes a tendency to be more precious/ self involved/ uptight about things.

Also I feel you with the third child - I’m having a very similar experience!! Sorry you are going through it too x

Absolutely all of this!

🤣🤣🤣 In the same way that a red rag calms a bull!

What a strange response to the op. Personally what stood out to me was that in 3 months this friend still hasn't made the effort to meet her friends new baby. Op has had a huge life milestone and become a parent and welcomed a new family member. It's normal to want your friends to meet your new baby. Saying you want to catch up sounds to me like you want to know how your friend is doing too as you're also interested in and care about their life. None of that makes op selfish.

Op I think your friend has been pissed off that she's driven to the place to meet and essentially been stood up. As a parent I fully understand why it worked out that way and I wouldn't have put baby in the car either and probably would have cancelled/ invited her to my house incase ds didn't settle and interrupted others having coffee. I think blocking you is very immature. She should have just said she was annoyed and accepted your apology. Blocking you and shutting off all contact is childish and would make me think less of her tbh.

This may be true in a lot of cases, but I feel like comments like this almost throw the new mother's inexperience in her face, and taunt her with the notion that she is being a big drama queen, when she may be drowning in thr hot soup of new parenthood. It makes me think of when people say 'OK, Karen!' to a woman asserting her boundaries on something and I just don't think it's very nice to use these terms in a cynical way, AIBU or not. As it happens, I wish I had the time to treat all of my children like they were my precious first borns as my first child got the best of my attention and concentrated efforts, and the other two less so.

I do understand the premise of the PFB/ first time mum, but I also think first time mums very often need a sisterly arm around them rather than being castigated for their very real and overwhelming feelings. Phrases like this can get thrown around in a light hearted way but they can be damaging as they undermine the entire experience so much. Anyway, that's just my take on the situation. Words can have power and people on aibu can often forget that.

You had great intentions to want to go out and have a nice catch up but with a newborn that is challenging (I couldn’t even push DD around the shops for 30 minutes without her shrieking at the top of her lungs!).

I think you need to be fair to your friend and realise your limits while in the newborn phase. Inviting her to your place was a good idea but maybe it was too late as you already cancelled the first catch-up.

Whether you are a mum or not, everyone’s time is valuable.

The other day I had to turn around and go back home when my dd 12 weeks did a similar thing. She cried in such a tone that I'd never heard before not even during her vaccinations and this is second baby, luckily it was just cancelling plans to go to John Lewis. Normally I would have continued. but the tone was on a different level where it felt the car seat was causing her pain. Meeting people with newborns can be very stressful for them and I'd expect delays. Your friend reacted as if you cancelled plans and she later saw you on social media at a music festival with your baby.

That question was to the OP. But thanks for your input. 🙄

It's a perfectly valid question (which, incidentally, was directed at the OP, not you!)

Yes, it's a 'shit tonne more work'. Whether someone who can express can be bothered with that depends on how keen they are to maintain a social life.

I was thinking this. Is this the first time you’d arranged to meet?

We tried, she doesn't take a bottle. I initially wanted to combi feed to have a bit more freedom, but it is what it is. But in that particular situation when she was crying (or rather screaming - there were no more tears flowing down her face) I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving her with my husband. He's a great dad - very hands on - I just wouldn't be able to leave the house knowing she's so upset. Maybe I'm pfb, but I don't feel bad about it.

First time after I had a baby. I initially invited her to come to my place when my daughter was 4 weeks old, but she said she couldn't drive that far, so we delayed until she was a bit older and I could put her in a car seat.

Then your friend has massively overreacted.

That's all fair enough then. But if, as you say, you 'don't feel bad about it', not sure why you're bothered she blocked you.

Probs best to call time on this friendship.