Friend blocked me after cancelled meeting

[RitaN]

I recently gave birth and wanted to meet with a friend to show her my baby and have a usual catch up. The plan was to meet for a coffee and cake in the neighbourhood town, which is 20 mins drive from me and 30 mins from my friend. 45 minutes before leaving my 12-week-old baby started purple crying and she was inconsolable. I tried to calm her down for more than 30 minutes before I finally texted my friend that I would have to cancel as my baby was really upset. She didn’t reply, so I called twice but she didn’t pick up. It was now 15 minutes past the time we were supposed to meet, and my baby finally calmed down a bit, so I asked her if she wanted to come to my place (as I didn’t want to risk my little one getting upset in the car), or if she wanted to reschedule for next week. In response she proceeded to block me, then unblocked me briefly to send a nasty next, and blocked me again. I was baffled. We’ve been friends for 5 years. I understand she was already en route but there was nothing I could do (apart from shoving a screaming baby into the car seat and driving anyway?). Was I AIBU to cancel on a short notice or is my friend unreasonable?

You stood her up after she arranged her day to meet you and she’s driven an hour for no reason because your baby is crying. It’s shitty. I’d be annoyed at you too. You should have rung her asap not sent a text with she was driving. Babies don’t ’purple Cry’ for an hour for no reason. Either hungry or tired which are easily fixed or in pain. Did you take the baby to the doctor? Sounds like a made up CBA excuse.

I think her reaction was overboard and unnecessary but you never do truly know what someone else is going through.

I will be honest I know what it’s like in the newborn / fresh baby trenches when they’re having their witching hour and you’re scared to go out as don’t know how to be but you just have to do it. You can’t cancel or stay in if baby cries, babies cry, it’s what they do. Personally I feel like putting them in car seat often helps them get used to it more.

You don’t understand what she’s going through and she will never understand what it’s like being a new mum with a baby.

Has she unblocked you? Can you give her a call?

I know it’s easy to say she’s awful get rid but if this is the first time this sort of thing has happened with her I’d be more inclined to sort it and figure out what happened and why she reacted that way.

God what a bunch of drama queens. Cancelling a single date is not the end of the world. AT 3 months into being a mother OP is hardly responsible for her friend suffering from other mothers defaulting on their single friends at some other cafe, some other time. Even if you presume that poor friend is suffering the slings and arrows of being treated as a second class citizen for being currently child free OP has only had three months to be part of the evil cabal. I really don’t think the friend is justified in punishing OP for the general pro natalist tenor of society.

You did the right thing consoling your baby. Things can turn very badly very quickly with babies.
your friend over-reacted IMO. But maybe you having a baby has upset her although she told you she doesn’t want children.
a dear fiend of mine wouldn’t come and visit me when I had a baby.

I wouldn't class her as a very good friend to be honest. A new baby, especially your first can be so completly overwhelming. I probably would've planned better though, and suggested she come to you to visit to allow for any baby mishaps.

I concur with the advice that ignoring your mothering instincts to accommodate inflexible friends is dangerous. Your #1 job now is to take care of your vulnerable baby, not placate grown adults. What if your child's meltdown had been a precursor to an illness or the result of an injury? It's rare, but if you ignore your instincts it's not good for baby.

You said that parents worry less - and that is not necessarily the case.

You OK hun? 🙄

Why yes hun, I am. Just fed up to the backteeth with all the bitchery directed at OP.

Wow what a crappy reply

My reply isn't going to be popular or relect the views of the majority, but...
What sort of friend says no to visiting a friend that's had a baby because extra 20 minutes is too much??? Op - you invited her to come over to see you and meet a baby but it was too far?? Do I understand correctly that she visited hour home in the past (and it wasn't too far then?)

Spot on comment! I have 2, and they are not babies anymore. But the 1st one was hard work to level the house. Upto 3rd month he was often crying. Had a trip home (in the car) where he couldn't stop screaming. Had to pull over, get him out to give a hug until he calmed down.

I think OP said she had invited the friend previously to meet the baby but the friend deemed the trip to be too far

She doesn't sound very nice. Even if her anger is justified (I don't think it is tbh, I think she should cut you some slack as a new mum), her behaviour with the blocking and tone in speaking to you isn't. She's probably jealous or having some other psychological reaction to you having a baby and this is how it's coming out. I'd make some nice new mum friends with babies of a similar age and ditch this drama queen, she's nasty.

I said tend to sweat the small stuff less- Like going out with a crying baby. But anyways of course it won’t apply to every case, and there will be first time mums way more chilled than mums with 5 babies. But it’s a general observation/ trend.

I also don't believe this is a one off. If you've otherwise been a reliable friend, don't cancel, do what you say you're gonna do and arrive to meet ups on time. If it is then your friend sounds like she's been unreasonable. There could be more to it than that. It might not just be about that.

I have recently had a falling out with a friend which she would say was because she cancelled plans last minute as her child was unwell but there was so much more to it. I wonder what her side of the story is.

If she doesn't understand or really care she's not much of a friend. I have siblings and friends who don't have children. Being humans who live on this planet they have seen babies though and realise they aren't always logical and predictable.
I think a friend would realise you weren't cancelling last minute because the baby whinged for 2 minutes.

Unkind to block you and nasty message so no friend. However if you need to pick up another child you just put the baby in the car and collect your child. Baby probably knew you were stressed and played up. Those early days are hard as you are learning. You doing so well op. You learnt today that that friend isn't a friend. Move on and block her. Tomorrow is another day x

Childless or not, if she was a good friend she would have carried on to your house, to see if she could help you in any way.

Block her and forget it all.

She's no friend. I bet she's annoyed at the last minute cancellation, perhaps instead of completely cancelling, you should've invited her to yours as oppose to then texting again after cancelling and then inviting her. Surely your baby would've calmed down by the time she came.

If she doesn't have children, she won't understand why you cancelled based on ur baby crying.

Baby probably knew you were stressed and played up? Jesus Christ on a pogo stick.

Exactly, notice it hasn't been answered.
Why not share that bit?

I had another thought, as it's been about 15 years since my last baby, but I just remembered that after my babies, and after DH had to return to work (I'm in the states so no paternity leave, just 1 week vacation) my good friends showed up to my house with food, one friend cleaned my shower, the other held baby so I could TAKE a shower and another came over and gave me tricks on cleaning blowout diapers. Before my babes were born, I would babysit my friend's little ones for free so they could have a date night and I also just hung around their house helping pick up and did a haircut for another. We've also helped move into new apartments, new houses, helped drive when others needed it, etc.

That is true friendship, when your times together change as your lives change.

Amazed that the vote is so close?! I think your friend is being totally unreasonable. You have a tiny baby - it’s so hard getting out so well done you for even making the date in the first place! It took me ages to drive with my baby - I was so nervous and tired. Leave her be - and just wait until she has a baby.