Friend blocked me after cancelled meeting

[RitaN]

I recently gave birth and wanted to meet with a friend to show her my baby and have a usual catch up. The plan was to meet for a coffee and cake in the neighbourhood town, which is 20 mins drive from me and 30 mins from my friend. 45 minutes before leaving my 12-week-old baby started purple crying and she was inconsolable. I tried to calm her down for more than 30 minutes before I finally texted my friend that I would have to cancel as my baby was really upset. She didn’t reply, so I called twice but she didn’t pick up. It was now 15 minutes past the time we were supposed to meet, and my baby finally calmed down a bit, so I asked her if she wanted to come to my place (as I didn’t want to risk my little one getting upset in the car), or if she wanted to reschedule for next week. In response she proceeded to block me, then unblocked me briefly to send a nasty next, and blocked me again. I was baffled. We’ve been friends for 5 years. I understand she was already en route but there was nothing I could do (apart from shoving a screaming baby into the car seat and driving anyway?). Was I AIBU to cancel on a short notice or is my friend unreasonable?

Really?

I would have probably been annoyed if already on the way, but I would have responded to you that maybe meet ups going forward need to be paused until you've settled into a routine, or have someone to leave baby with whilst you meet up.

@Nanny0gg - I went back on my comment when I was informed the baby was crying until he/she was purple. I had initially thought the baby was only a little unsettled (despite being fed/clean etc), which is a bit different.

I find it very hard to get both kids happy and smiley before leaving the house. If I waited until they were so, we would never leave the house! One is always a bit unhappy about something, especially my 23 month old...

But as I say, a big difference between being unsettled and screaming blue murder!!

So you knew before she'd even left the house that you were either going to be late or not be going and you left till she'd gone all that way (expense of petrol & parking) and 15 minutes of wondering why you were late, before you texted her you were not turning up. Your reason may have been genuine but you handled it dreadfully.

She described her friend as "she" its not OK to ungender her. Your post is offensive

What did she actually say to you in her text where she blocked/unblocked/blocked you? That should give you some idea

I wouldn’t have blocked a friend or sent an unpleasant message in this situation. But I also wouldn’t make any further plans for meeting up. I value my days off work and have plenty of other things I could be doing, which don’t involve risking a no show.

That sounds really annoying for your friend. Not surprised she is cross with you.

It’s upsetting, but don’t think you should give this any more head space at the moment.

I would have gone anyway with the baby being unsettled (unless you were worried she might be unwell), but understand you were anxious about it.

She has overreacted to you cancelling, likely her MH is poor as you said.

@RitaN she might not even have insight into the fact this is such a major trigger for her or at least not immediately. The whole blocking/ snappy text seems like a very childish response probably because she is acting very much in hurt child mode rather than engaging her adult / rational brain. It's not your job to fix your friend's issues though and especially not as a new mum, your priority is giving your little one the attention they need.

It sounds like you are caught up in baby world and expect everyone else to just fit in with you.

This! I think this is why 'friendships are tested' - because new parents forget that other people have lives.

So petty blocking and unblocking. Dont plan any more meetups op. The baby is small too yes those early days can be hard going.

Are you unable to express enough to leave with him?

A text whilst a new mother is trying to calm her screaming baby yeah right it’s the last thing on her mind to do with a, remember this a screaming baby.

some right sanctimonious cows on here

op you did nowt wrong and I’d end the friendship as she acted like she was child. I’d be worried and be phoning to ask if all is ok and have done pre kids and after.

That Old chestnut being trotted out not all women can express you know and baby might not even like a bottle even if she can as some don’t.

@Jumpingthruhoops just because some women are happy expressing/pumping, it doesn't mean it works for others. Expressing alongside EBF is a massive pain in the arse and I find just creates a shit tonne more work. I'm finding it to be another stick to beat young mothers with.

Baby is 12 weeks. Perfectly normal to be EBF.

She doesn't sound very empathetic or understanding - yes it is annoying when someone cancels, but it happens.

Perhaps she is a friend you are better off without

You're a new mum. You have a newborn.

Sometimes getting out of the house feels like an enormous event. A crying, upset baby will also take priority. It's your natural instincts.

Your friend doesn't have children so wouldn't really get it. However, anyone who isn't prepared to be flexible for a new mum and baby isn't really worth the effort.

Hopefully you will find some other, supportive, mum friends soon OP. You've done nothing wrong.

Yes it would be nice to text or call her before she set off but it still doesn't justify such a response from a friend.

It sounds like you tired to let her know but she was already on her way there. But why block someone for asking to either rebook or change venue. Does she have kids? If so you'd think she'd remember how intense it is with a newborn.

Yes but it’s incredibly rude to cancel at that point when the other person has already made arrangements to come, spent time and money travelling, waited quarter of an hour and maybe given up or cancelled something else to be there.
However much the baby was screaming you needed to think of the other person and make sure you’d made your mind up before she left home

OP, she will only get worse than she is now. She lacks serious understanding of how children need their mothers. That she can't even try to imagine how a 12-week baby isn't like a toy you can turn on and off just shows how deeply selfish and naive she is. So, fast forward 3 years, she's not going to understand if you're out to lunch and get a call from daycare that your LO is running a high fever so you need to leave and pick her up. She's an adult child and who needs that? She's an awful friend, tbh. Try to seek out friends who understand better what it means to be a good mother.

OP, on the face of it I believe you’ve done nothing wrong. It was clear you weren’t just avoiding her because you even invited her to come to yours so you did try to compromise and if someone had a newborn baby I’d offer to go visit them from the outset.

My former best friend had 3 kids in her 20s, I was even godmother to some so she knew I was a supportive friend and involved “aunty”.

One year I came up from London to my hometown, on Boxing Day she was meant to come and meet so I could see her ( and give her the kids Christmas presents). She last minute texted me on the day with some nonsense excuse about not being able to come.

Fine but then 6 months later I came up for my birthday. The plan was to have dinner with her alone then go out afterwards with a few other friends. We both live about 45 mins- 1 hour from the city we were meeting in and both travel by public transport. I arrived at the train station say at 6pm waiting for her to arrive at 6:15. I texted her and said I was already there. Only then did she text to say she wasn’t coming due to her kids being sick and she didn’t want to leave them with her mum when they were unwell. So she had never left her house and didn’t think to tell me. A sibling who lived nearby came to dinner with me instead before I went out clubbing later so I wasn’t left hanging out myself in town for 4 hours on a sat night.

It was then that I decided to end the friendship. To this day she will probably report it to others as I didn’t understand about her kids falling sick, due to not having kids but that is not the case. The fact is she would’ve known at least an hour before that she wasn’t going to make it since she’s obviously not gotten on the train. So why didn’t she text me as soon as she decided she wasn’t coming? Pretty crap way to treat someone especially on their birthday. Majority of my friends have kids and they don’t treat me like this. So it’s a her problem!

So yeah I agree with pp, it does depend really on if from her POV there is a backstory and she feels this is the final straw. But based on your side of the story nah, YANBU, and it might just be her own frustrations at other people and life in general coming out at you?

Yeah one of my closest friends from uni is an amazing mum of 4 kids and works full-time in a senior role. She is probably the one out of all my friends who makes the most effort to make time for me and support my events and achievements.
.
When I was nearly homeless several years ago it was another friend who was a mum with a toddler who let me stay in her spare room for a few months which meant I could continue my job until I found my own place.

Not saying this applies to the OP, but in general I really believe a lot of people on MN blame flakiness and being self absorbed on their child(ren) and try and pass it off as being down to being a devoted mother. Because I know many women (and men) who didn’t become crap friends once they have kids.

I think calling her friend selfish is a step too far.

She had already left the house and arrived there. Her needs matter too. Her time doesn't become irrelevant just because she doesn't have children. Her time matters too and that doesn't mean she's selfish.

She has every right to be annoyed, but her reaction is disproportionate and unnecessary. You can be annoyed in an adult way!