I don't understand what my family expect me to do

[SafetyLady]

I'm in my late 40s, divorced, sadly childless, and in a relationship with a man 7 years older, DP. We moved to the other end of the country for a job opportunity for me, which also let me be nearer my parents, which they wanted. This involved DP leaving a job he hated and it didn't even pay well. Seemed like a no-brainier at the time. Now 5 years on, DP still hasn't found work. We didn't anticipate it being this difficult, which was our mistake. DP has taken on being a diligent house-husband, is still applying for jobs, and while it's not ideal, we manage ok on my salary. My family (parents + siblings) are constantly on at me, asking why I'm putting up with DP not working, making out he "saw me coming" and is using me, asking when I'm going do something about it.
They're stressing me out so much! I've asked what it is they think I should do, and even asked right out if they're saying that I should end the relationship. They just tell me I'm ridiculous, and have always been dramatic. Family events are a nightmare. I honestly don't know what they think I'm doing wrong here, or what it is they think I ought to do. I'm stressed and miserable. If it helps at all, I will say I could never manage the very demanding job I have if DP wasn't doing all the cooking, housework, etc.
What am I missing?
Am I being unreasonable to not know what they expect me to do differently?

Why would your family need to explain anything? Clearly you can use your common sense to figure out what they’re saying?

5 years and this person has no job. 5 years of enabling a grown man to be jobless. Your family are probably expecting you to STOP enabling him, give him an ultimatum and kick him out.

For the record, I’d think the same thing if it was a woman that hadn’t worked for 5 years. It’s one thing if it’s been agreed between the two that one person will stay at home. It’s something completely different when one decides to not get a job and do housework

Exactly

He could be a professional Cleaner if he likes doing housework?

There are a lot of courses designed to give people skills for work that are free if you aren’t earning. https://www.skillsforcareers.education.gov.uk/pages/training-choice/free-courses-for-jobs
I get that there may not be many very local to you if you are rural. But there must be something he is interested in?
Clearly trying to get a job in his old field doesn’t work. So if he wants to work, he will need to retrain or think outside the box. If he doesn’t want to work - then well I’d guess your family may have a point.

I'd start telling them it's none of their business or that he's now set up as self employed and it's going really well. If they want to support his business they can pay for the work he did for them.

In my 40s I left a fairly well paid but stressful job and was able to live comfortably off my husbands wage. After a couple of months I became bored of looking after the house. I did have kids, but they were at school all day. So, I walked in to a cleaning company who gave me work that day. I got at least 3 days work a week off them for about 18 months. This gave me time to retrain and take time to find a job I love.
My wage has paid for some great family holidays and I feel more fulfilled.

I think if the situation works for you then great, but he shouldn't be saying he is looking for work, clearly he is not. I think if you told your family we have agreed that he will look after the house and not look for work they might be more accepting. But no-one believes he is looking for work and that's probably why they keep going on about it.

This.

I think deep down you have doubts about him not working. If you did not, I dont think this would be affecting you so much or to this extent. When you are 100% sure about something you dont give a crap if others criticise because you know it's the right thing to do. Yes, its not pleasant to be negged about it but when your belief that its right is rock solid, you dont become "hysterical" about it which you said you are feeling.

Eg when I started a business, plenty of people doubted me, told me it wouldnt succeed, were wholly negative about it. I didnt listen to them because I knew it would work and it did and I now employ 40 people. You will always, always get naysayers because people view life through their own lens and sometimes it's always negative. I think you need to take a moment to think about your true feelings about this and why your parent's words are affecting you so much- has it touched a raw nerve somewhere?

Its ok for you to not be ok with him not working, it doesnt mean he's a horrible person or that you need to instantly dump him but it may involve a conversation about how you go forward and what you expectations are for this relationship long term.

YANBU

If the current set up works for you, who cares? I doubt your family would have a problem if the roles were reversed and you were "keeping house, volunteering and helping them while supporting a high earning partner.

You need to shut down the conversation.

Did you miss the OP saying she has actually seen hundreds of job applications he’s made ? How do you figure he’s not looking for work ?

Has he had absolutely no income for 5 years? Sorry if I missed this response already.

The two questions from me are - where are you based and why does he not have savings after 30 years of professional experience?

If you are happy with the arrangement then tell your family to back right off. The odd comment is one thing but to go on and on about a topic that doesn’t concern them is completely out of order. Tell them to mind their own business, change the subject or just to piss right off.

I don't mean to be dumb, but what is it everyone thinks I should do about it?

My family keep telling me I NEED TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. But no suggestions

Talk to him about it! have you actually sat down and helped him with his job search, have you expressed your concerns for the future re: pensions etc, have you discussed him getting a temporary part time job even if its low paid just to fill the huge gaps that will now be on his resume? you say he is down about it so why not get a lower paid job for a while? Jobs arent just about money, they are about self esteem and routine and feeling that you are contributing to a mutual goal. What he's doing now isnt working so you need to do something different. What you need to "do" is have a very honest conversation with him about future plans. If anything happened to your job you'd both be completely screwed and have no income at all. What about his pension or lack of it? These things need to be discussed.

Talk to him.

After five years, he is taking the mickey but might also be in such a bad place that he cannot longer even imagine getting a positive response to an application, particularly if he is looking at skilled jobs for which he no longer has recent experience.

I think you need to put your foot down and demand for him to get ANY job that allows him to get back into the routine of having a job.

I suggest you find a way to convince him to seek help looking for a job. Making an appointment with the National Career Services might help him to identify strengths, update skills and prepare applications/interviews better. There are also other schemes, also accessed through the Job Centre, aimed to get back into work people who have been unemployed for long periods and who need more support to break the mindset that develops when you have years of unsuccessful job applications.

He has savings. Why do people not at least read the OP's replies and no one should be giving even a rough location out on a public forum.

I’m with your family.

A few months or even a year of unemployment is one thing but 5 years is absolutely taking the piss.

I don't need or want him to do minimum wage shifts that he'd need to spend half of on transport (we're very isolated) if it's going to make him feel worse about himself.

You say he’d be spending half of his earnings on transport - but he’s still have half left to contribute.

I assume you live in Cornwall or somewhere where jobs and public transport are difficult to come by.

So why has he not spent the past 5 years learning to drive?

At least then he would be able to travel further afield and it would be cheaper than public transport.

Its easier to get a job, already being in one and so he should take whatever he can get and then still apply.

How long are you happy for him to be unemployed?
Another 5 years, 10, 20?

If you’re happy for him to be a house husband, that’s absolutely fine and you should be honest about that to family and tell him to stop looking for jobs.

It does seem that you would prefer him to stay at home rather than get a job but I wonder if you would feel the same in 5 years time.

Being out of work for years is going to make it difficult to find work if he ever needs to start working again.

I have more sympathy with your DH, but YOU need to decide what YOU think OP, then act on that.

Your DP is not going to get a management job now, he’s not worked in too long. What about his pension? What about his state pension (he needs to check his NI)

I think it’s time for a long talk with him, not your family.

Couldn't agree more!! When they mention it, just say he's retired, and you're happy with your living situation. You don't have to do anything because they're not happy about it, it's YOUR life, if YOU are happy with it then that's all that matters.

one issue stuck out to me - he’s degree educated so took time out at the start of his adult life not working. He’s not gone 5 years with not working and you’ve both decided if he doesn’t get a job at the level he had before he’s not going to work, and after 5 years you do have to accept that’s not happening, so he’s stopped working now.

has he got enough years of paying National Insurance for a full state pension? This should also be a push to take a low paid job. You might not need the money of a coffee shop / retail/ supermarket driver /classroom assistant /low level council job etc but he might need the years of NI contributions to get his full pension. If you split up he’s not going to be entitled to any of your pension.

Hi @SafetyLady
You’re getting a bit of a hard time here. Our situation was similar and worked well for us.
DH was an extremely hard worker. In his mid forties he developed chronic fatigue after a severe illness. Condition varies so we didn’t try for benefits.
I had a senior management job, long hours, travel etc but comfortable salary so he became a house husband. He could possibly have done part time work but, like you, we live rurally so wage would never have covered travel so why lose all the domestic and life admin help?
We’re retired now, my pension is a lot more than his but so what. I know if things were reversed he would have supported me the same.

I’d honestly be telling my family that they’ve done this subject to death and how you and DP live is not up for discussion. Remind/change subject/ leave room as required till they get the message. Oh and DP stops doing jobs for the ungrateful, judgemental brats.

There’s always a job if you look hard enough. He could even have set up his own business in 5 years. Hope he’s been making his NI contributions or his state pension will have taken a hit.

I agree with this. He sounds like he is making himself useful, not sitting around on his arse all day on his PlayStation or whatever. And he has money in the bank. If OP doesn’t actually need him to make money, and they are happy, what’s the problem?

@SafetyLady out of curiosity, are the members of your family that comment struggling? Either financially, trying to juggle all the commitments (work,kids etc) or both?

I feel for you. I moved abroad with DH a few years ago because I was offered an amazing job. DH was working a job he didn't enjoy much, and he didn't mind giving it up. It's been much harder than expected for DH to find a job here, but not for a lack of trying. Besides jobs that he is skilled to do, DH applied for various entry-level jobs that people had said would be easy to get, where they were desperate for people, etc., but very few companies want to hire a man in his 40s with a PhD who they assume will jump ship as soon as a better opportunity comes along.

Your situation, where one spouse is not working even though you have no kids, is not uncommon in the expat/international community - although it is relatively unusual for the man to be the 'trailing spouse'. Even though your situation is slightly different since you did not move country, I do think there are some similarities and I sympathise with your husband. It's not easy giving up one's job, moving cross country, and then struggling to find work. There is the lack of income, but also potential loss of sense of purpose, as well as social network. How does your husband feel about this? Volunteering won't address the lack of income, but it might be good for him to build his own social network if he doesn't already have one.

Perhaps retraining is a good idea too. I think any kind of qualification that has a clear job trajectory/career path associated with it could be an idea, be that teaching or bus driving.

Some previous posters, especially @Pipsqueaker have given good suggestions on how to deal with your parents/family.