I don't understand what my family expect me to do

[SafetyLady]

I'm in my late 40s, divorced, sadly childless, and in a relationship with a man 7 years older, DP. We moved to the other end of the country for a job opportunity for me, which also let me be nearer my parents, which they wanted. This involved DP leaving a job he hated and it didn't even pay well. Seemed like a no-brainier at the time. Now 5 years on, DP still hasn't found work. We didn't anticipate it being this difficult, which was our mistake. DP has taken on being a diligent house-husband, is still applying for jobs, and while it's not ideal, we manage ok on my salary. My family (parents + siblings) are constantly on at me, asking why I'm putting up with DP not working, making out he "saw me coming" and is using me, asking when I'm going do something about it.
They're stressing me out so much! I've asked what it is they think I should do, and even asked right out if they're saying that I should end the relationship. They just tell me I'm ridiculous, and have always been dramatic. Family events are a nightmare. I honestly don't know what they think I'm doing wrong here, or what it is they think I ought to do. I'm stressed and miserable. If it helps at all, I will say I could never manage the very demanding job I have if DP wasn't doing all the cooking, housework, etc.
What am I missing?
Am I being unreasonable to not know what they expect me to do differently?

Delivery driver jobs taxi driver jobs.

I doubt many people wd hire him after 5 years no work. A large gap in his cv. looks very offputting to employers. He needs to go on training courses at the JobCentrePlus and seek their help.

The location might well be relevant. A management consultant in their 50's living outside Thurso might have zero opportunities and poor comms links. So a reply might be "think remote as in 30 miles from the nearest train station and out in the sticks" might make more sense.

Is he only applying for professional well paid jobs?

He needs to apply for anything at all, he is not paying any NI contributions towards his state pension for starters.

He is coming up to 55 does he have a workplace pension at all?

It sounds to me as if the set up works well for everyone- you have reduced stress so presumably a better work/life balance and time to enjoy life/the relationship. He’s doing valuable volunteer work for the community and helps your family. I think it’s quite rude to take freebie work and then complain he isn’t working.
If you, or he, would find it better for him to work for any reason (eg his self esteem, financial contribution) then that’s a discussion between you and him. And would this be any work at all? Eg zero hours night shift based supermarket? Are some jobs worth the resulting impact on your lives and his current input into home and community? Maybe there needs to be a plan as to whether it’s time to give up looking and what that looks like (eg more volunteering or similar) or how he can get work. He is in a vulnerable position if you split for any reason and he’s in a place away from his own family. He’s clearly not scrounging.
It sounds as if your family are viewing this in perhaps an old fashioned way? The guy has to work and support you it he’s not a ‘man’? He is supporting you and your family and the community though.
With your family can’t you just say this is how we are doing our life? I guess you’re discussing each time that no he hadn’t got a job yet and then they’re concerned- if you said we have no plans for him to work then maybe they’d start to understand that or not mention it so often? I think you need to shut them down on it tbh.
Effectively he’s just retired early whilst you work on - not so unusual. Personally I’m not sure chasing some jobs more suited for local young people starting out is the best or only way to contribute to a relationship, community and society - but that’s for you both to agree on.

PS All these PPs saying he should get a job, any job, for his self respect - I don’t know whether they are right or wrong. You could explore that with him. But I think they’ve missed the bit about his voluntary work and I disagree that our self worth need be based on our salaries

But OP literally said "he's really down about it". So he isnt happy with the status quo. He isnt happily being a house husband and enjoying it, he is saying he's down about not having a job. It IS affecting his self esteem.

Why does it matter? If you manage ok on your salary and you’re both happy then who cares? If it was the other way round I bet nobody would bat an eyelid!

What about a teaching assistant job could be retrain? The pay is crap but at least a respectable job.

Im actually shocked at the number of people commenting about him not finding paid employment, and the fact he contributes nothing. How many times on this site do we remind each other that unpaid work in the home IS work? The OP has clearly said if it weren’t for her DP doing all of the cooking, cleaning, work in the house then she would be unable to sustain her high stress role. It sounds like it works well for this couple and it is the opinions of others that are causing stress, not the fact of DP not being in paid employment?

Op sorry if someone else has already said this and I missed it but why can't your dp go self employed and do these jobs paid as part of a paid service, assuming he is very good at the landscaping and so on.

OP, if I were in your shoes I’d be asking myself why my family’s comments bother me so much. You’ve asked them to elaborate, and they won’t - why are you asking whether you’re unreasonable for not understanding? It’s clear that they don’t want to discuss it further and trying to do so is a complete waste of your time and energy.

if you are happy with the domestic and career arrangements you and your husband have come to, what does it matter what members of your family think? Grey rock - every time any of them says anything about your husband and the decisions you have both made. It’s none of their business!

As to what you should ‘do’ about your husband working/not working outside the home, that’s a matter for you and your husband to decide on. You don’t have to take on board everything your family says - ask yourself why you feel you have to respond or act when they say this to you. My aussie friend always says ‘opinions are like a*holes, everybody’s got one’. Your family are entitled to their opinions, thoughts, feelings - but you don’t have to give them any weight (or even listen to them, if you don’t want to).

So you're looking to understand how to manage the conversations with family about an issue you say you continue to ask them questions on. If you keep asking them 'how do I get him to get a job?' 'Should I give him an ultimatum?' those are clearly things that indicate to a family that you feel stuck. Itd suggest to me if I was your family that you share the same views & content to talk again about how your situation at home is not right with him not working. I'd also be puzzled if I was your family what you want to happen. You don't seem to make that clear.
If my family commented on something in my life & I was content with it, I'd state I was happy with how it was, offer why it worked or if pressed explain briefly how I made that decision & then if it came up again when they gave their unrequested opinion I'd say 'yeah, but I'm ok with it' & wouldn't engage on that issue further. Not everyone has to have the same view, actually the same way.
BUT you haven't said here if you are really ok with the situation. I'm suspecting from your posts you're not. You go to work & shoulder lots from the posts. Even before moving he begrudged work, in 5 years not done any. I know you've mentioned some DIY but from the posts it doesn't sound more than many would do in a weeks holiday from their job (decorating etc) not consistent activity that fulfils him, but bits & bobs that is an attempt to possibly keep people sweet & off his back annually.
Getting a job is in my view important. But I'm not you. Things I'd consider... There's maybe 20 years before retiring age so is 'having some savings' 25yrs worth of savings? Is state pension liveable on when he & you get there? Do you desire things that only one income doesn't allow for? Does having meaningful occupation in your partner add to your respect for them? If you had an injury for example would he take the reins & do any work to support the both of you? Does he do anything in those available 40hrs that enhances your lives?
It strikes me you're stuck & that's where the emotions & feeling hysterical comes from. You're in a scenario that you've been told has an end (he'll get a job) but based on history he has no visible intention or inclination. Family seem to be just providing a commentary on what they're observing. To know how to respond you really need to consider what YOUR view is. What you want to happen in life & in your partnership. Only then can you consider what actions to take/or not.

Op answer yourself honestly do they have a problem with him not working or is it just a stick to beat you with? If he got a nmw job would they just be complaining that he isn't earning enough?

He's volunteering, got money in the bank, does lots to help your ungrateful family out so he's obviously not lazy. Is their inability to see any good in him more about him or how they see you?

If you were really happy about the situation, surely your family's views would be irrelevant?

As it is, you live with a man who hasn't worked in half a decade, you have no children and he potters around the house all day doing some cleaning and then cooks you dinner?

It sounds like he has a bloody cushy lifestyle and maybe your parents think he's massively taking the piss out of you - and maybe on a deeper level you feel that way too, even though you won't admit it.

Absolutely. Even a poorly paid job that half his wages go on his transport is better than no job. There are loads of jobs he could have taken in the last 5 years. He just doesn’t want to do them for whatever reason. You say he was unhappy in his old role before you moved as well. He needs to work. I’m with your family. I suspect they are fed up with having this conversation with you after 5 years so have nothing to add when you’re demanding what they think you should do.

He could look at part time non-exec roles. Some of them are paid but others are not. With his background they would be happy to have him. Then do not discuss the financial terms with your family. It sounds like he might find that rewarding and it would get your family off your back.

How about he sets up his own business. Something related to a hobby, or a skill he has. Your family needn’t know how successful it is.

Those comments are generally about stay at home parents who raise children full time, not childless men in their forties 🙈

If you and OP are broadly okay with the set up I think you should do nothing at all about what your family are saying.

Thing with families is that often there is a dynamic, a way of speaking to each other that becomes ingrained over time. It sounds in your case that the dynamic and narrative has become a negative one. Families can often feel entitled to weigh in and make judgements about other family members lives in way they would never would about a friend or a neighbour, for example.

It sounds in your case like they think your DP is perhaps lazy or using you and want you to do some undefine thing about that to 'fix' the situation as they see it. But if the set up works for both of you (and that is absolutely crucial here) then what's the problem?

Perhaps what you should do is examine why you feel so strongly that you need to do something about what they are saying. Shuting it down every time it comes up and walking away until they get the message is also an option.

Tell them he’s set up a handy man business and now he’ll be charging for the work he does for them.

I have never understood why looking after a home is only considered work if you have children. Otherwise it’s just pottering about. Surely either housework is work or it isn’t.

I think your family have a different view which is valid that he should have “a job” and be making a financial contribution.
I agree with their view that it’s nonsense that he can’t get “a job” in five years and if he was saying he was applying for anything going and still hadn’t got it he would be clearly be pulling a fast one.
from what you’ve said that’s not true he doesn’t want and you don’t want him to get “a job”. You have decided as a couple that he will only apply for “well paid, enjoyable jobs”. That’s perfectly valid and I can easily understand how he hasn’t been able to get one in this time. But it’s a very different scenario.
i think this gap in communication is the issue here.

Or close them down by saying that dp wants to move back as he’s feeling down about the lack of job opportunities here. Fortunately you’ve persuaded him to stay but that means he’ll have to retire early. He’s agreed for your sake but they need to stop him feeling bad about it by shutting up.

I would be very concerned if you were my family member, @SafetyLady.

What does he do all day?

@SafetyLady I think you should sit him down and say it’s now time to take any job , yes .
It will build on his social skills again and help his c v. Also he can pay any income into savings for retirement .

I understand it would be great a house spick and span and no stress but you can’t carry the financial burden forever . If you were both out the house all day how dirty would it get anyway .

I wouldn’t do it because my family said though I’d consider moving away from them tbh.

You both have a long term plan to think of and your partner has had 5 years more than most to sort himself out.

Even if he retrains part time, house stuff the rest of the time .

Why doesn’t he do Open. University if you live rural or set up his own garden, Painting business , give him some ideas help with motivation and you will soon see if it’s excuses or not .

He needs to step up for both your futures who knows what’s around the corner health wise.

I can’t say what your family actually want you to do but it seems from what you’ve said that they just like to berate you and DP not working is a handy reason to do that. Does that ring true or are they truly just concerned about you and have never exhibitors similar behaviour before?

I would have a think about what you would like (given the job hunt seems pretty fruitless) and a chat about what DP would like. What works for you as a couple? Are there minimum wage jobs he’d actually enjoy at least part time? Would he like to retrain? Carry on volunteering? Leave your area to give more opportunities?

I’d talk though all your options and make a decision that’s best for you both given the current situation. If you decide he will do volunteering and looking after the house or a part time min wage job that he enjoys or whatever then embrace that. Enjoy the benefits of that living situation and tell your family that you’re happy with things and to stop mentioning it.

look up grey rock in order to help deflect the comments and there are also great practical techniques for dealing with situations like this in the book “when I say no I feel guilty”.