I don't understand what my family expect me to do

[SafetyLady]

I'm in my late 40s, divorced, sadly childless, and in a relationship with a man 7 years older, DP. We moved to the other end of the country for a job opportunity for me, which also let me be nearer my parents, which they wanted. This involved DP leaving a job he hated and it didn't even pay well. Seemed like a no-brainier at the time. Now 5 years on, DP still hasn't found work. We didn't anticipate it being this difficult, which was our mistake. DP has taken on being a diligent house-husband, is still applying for jobs, and while it's not ideal, we manage ok on my salary. My family (parents + siblings) are constantly on at me, asking why I'm putting up with DP not working, making out he "saw me coming" and is using me, asking when I'm going do something about it.
They're stressing me out so much! I've asked what it is they think I should do, and even asked right out if they're saying that I should end the relationship. They just tell me I'm ridiculous, and have always been dramatic. Family events are a nightmare. I honestly don't know what they think I'm doing wrong here, or what it is they think I ought to do. I'm stressed and miserable. If it helps at all, I will say I could never manage the very demanding job I have if DP wasn't doing all the cooking, housework, etc.
What am I missing?
Am I being unreasonable to not know what they expect me to do differently?

On further reading things don’t stack up. “Spend hours on transport” but then OP mentions he has independent funds - so presumably can buy a car?

@SafetyLady I see a lot in your posts about what your family thinks of your situation (with your husband not working), but what I am missing from this picture is how you and your husband feel about the situation yourselves.

Does it work for you? Are you stressed for money? Is there a way to make it work if your husband can't find a job at all? Could you and your husband just be happy with you working and him taking the lion-share of house, kids and volunteering on the side?

Ultimately, it's the lives of the both of you and your children. You family sound somewhat toxic and seem to care more about appearances than about your happiness.

Bet he would’ve found work if you weren’t there bankrolling him. A 5 year gaps hard to explain on a CV if he wasn’t raising children or caring for a relative or poorly himself or in post grad education isn’t it?

If you're happy with the current setup - truly - then ignore them. Your family are at the other end of the country so you can do that to a degree. When you can't, tell them to keep their mouths shut, it's none of their business.

You know he's trying and that's all there is to it.

Also, checking his NI record would be useful, especially if he was ever 'contracted out' as that has a very deleterious effect on state pension. If he is going to be short of years then perhaps investigate him setting up as self employed cleaner (with perhaps you as first client if allowed- check with accountant not HMRC) so he can pay class 2 NI and increase his contributions.

Hmm. What kind of jobs is he applying for? Why don’t you want him to get a low paid job? That would be ideal, surely, in that there’s lots of jobs around and he’d then get experience. Even if he only worked Saturdays in a cafe, he’d still get experience and could build on that. It’s the principle as much as anything else.

You say he hated his previous job - does he actually hate working , in fact?

I just find it incredibly hard to believe he can’t find any work. You say he does jobs for your parents - could he set up a little business of his own as a handyman or a gardener (lawn-cutting, weeding, clearing)? People are crying out for those around here.

I think your family are speaking up out of concern. If you had three young children and he was staying home to look after them and all the extra housework they provide, then that would be different, but it does seem…lazy?… like he’s taking advantage?…strange…?

Would you be delighted to pay for everything?

Can he do an MBA? Will give him something current for his CV and you can tell your family he is re training

There are many ways to have a happy life and don't get sucked into ending a relationship which is otherwise good just because everyone is telling you to.

I'd be the first to say "leave!" if this sounded abusive (including financially) but I'm not sure it does. Tbh your partner sounds like a helpful guy (look at what he's done for your family) who has lost his way and lost his confidence a bit. It would probably be better for you both if he had at least a part-time job and was contributing financially, but it would probably also have been better for him not to have moved to live remotely near your family. He has made himself vulnerable for the relationship. So definitely a chat is needed about whether/how the relationship can work for both of you. And that might involve moving back to where there are more jobs. But if you're happy together, branding him a CF and throwing him out seems unfair and excessive.

Post edited to add:
What comes through from your posts, OP, is that you care a lot about him and that, by and large, you have an ok, happy life together. Maybe things could be better, but it all sounds ok. He is obviously facing some life obstacles but he doesn't sound like the problem here. He's not the thing that is making you unhappy - it sounds like it is mostly the criticism from others which is the problem.

To actually answer your question @SafetyLady about what they want you to do… what they want is for you to agree with them! They are banging on about it because they see an ‘issue’ that they think you have not recognised. If you were to say “yes, I know you’re right, it’s something I am addressing with him. Please give us space while we work this through”, they will most likely pipe down.

For what it’s worth though, I see no problem with your set up. I find that Mumsnet sees working as a virtue rather than a necessity. If your partner would be unhappy doing just any job, if you don't need the money, if you are happy with his contribution to the home, then there is no need to change anything!

So your reply to your critics could be something like:
“I totally understand you. I know that he is choosing not to work and that is frowned upon. I know that he is contributing nothing to our household and living off my income. I know that this situation isn’t fair, it is unconventional and it wouldn’t be a good idea for most couples to live like this. It works for me though and there is currently no alternative that would make me happier. The only thing making me miserable is your criticism.

Also- is there any way your DP could start his own small business? Or write a book? This is the sort of thing I would love to do if I had the time and money not to work. And it would get your family off your backs.

Could he look for low level remote only contracts? Public sector very good at not age discriminating. www.reed.co.uk/jobs/work-from-home-jobs-in-remote-

@SafetyLady what kind of job is your DP applying for now? Is he still trying to get the same kind of job that he had 5 years ago? Because if so, that really is completely pointless.

This! Really OP, stop asking your family what you should do. Tell them it’s not their business.
A. suggestion for a job, has he thought of exam invigilating? The people I work with come from a wide range of backgrounds; it isn’t a career but it’s very rewarding.

Totally agree

I was just waiting for the “we are very isolated” or “we live very rurally” comment to come up. Move then!

and why was he happy to do a badly paid job before, but not now?

They are the ones being ridiculous. It’s a situation neither you nor your partner chose and your decision for him not to take a low paid job because you can afford him not to is yours as a couple to make. Obviously they can’t suggest an acceptable to you way to change things so they’re just talking possibly worried he’s taking advantage but if you’re happy then it’s not a problem. Tell them it’s not up for discussion again and that you are both doing your best then refuse to keep discussing.

I think your family would like you to acknowledge the status quo. Him not having a job impacts on both of you, but you seem to think it’s fine because you can pay the bills and he can manage the chores.
And yes, lots of women do it, but 99% of the time they’re raising children, he isn’t. And yes, you’re busy, it’s nice to come home to a clean house and nice cooked food. But, how about you drop a day, he picks up the tab for that, and YOU get to rest, read, whatever.

If my DD worked all hours and her DP just hoovered and did the cooking with plenty of time for himself but not reciprocating, I’d be worried too. Because I’d like my DD to have a partner, not a cocklodger, a grown up man who ‘can’t find a job’.

Depends on whether he’s claiming benefit. OP says they manage on her salary so it doesn’t sound as though he’s claiming.

What’s the housing situation? Are you renting? House in your name or joint names?
Only you know if he’s taking the piss, is he spendy with your money?

I expect that he has become very comfortable being supported financially by you, @SafetyLady .

If he's a good handyman, {Does work for your parents} then surely he could be an ''odd job man'' or gardener ?

I can well understand your family being frustrated seeing their adult daughter being leeched off -IF you had young children that he was caring for, that would be different, but an able bodied man not working and living off a woman isn't very good.

I know there are women who live off men, but they are usually rearing children...The other way around does seem a bit strange.

I wonder if he thinks he's ''Too good'' to work at a more menial job?

Surely he could so something?

The longer he is workless, the more gaps in his CV ,the more employers are going to be wary.

I think this sets it out well with regards to what you can actually do about it. OP- how do YOU feel about him not working?

What happens with regards to him having no pension currently?- are you happy to financially support him for the rest of your lives if he never gets a job, ever? What happens if you split- what on earth would he do then without you to support him? Currently, he is completely reliant on you.

Look, I'm all for people doing what works for them but essentially you are completely financially supporting him so how do you feel about that, honestly.

Comparing him to a housewife who looks after kids is not really comparable as kids are hard work and childcare is expensive. He isnt looking after kids and if it were me, I'd feel a tad resentful that he wasnt taking any job at all- not even a part time job to contribute. I dont agree there is nothing he can do, there are loads of things he can do to help his job prospects but it seems like he doesnt want to which is probably why your parents are concerned. Of course it's not their business but it would also bring up some queries in my mind too if you were my daughter. From an outsiders perspective it sounds like he is taking advantage of you and I think you do need to consider what happens in the future with regards to pensions etc as that is really important.

I don’t think his previous job was ‘badly paid’, just not as well paid as her current one. It sounds like he is probably a not very fulfilled in his current situation and maybe OP feels a bit of responsibility/ guilt with regards to this.
I still think that he would really benefit from getting some work, even if it isn’t what he had in mind and volunteering can be such a game changer especially if he finds it challenging/ learning new skills.

I’d feel exactly the same as your family. Five years?! What a joke.

The actual epitome of ''A Cock~Lodger''