I don't understand what my family expect me to do

[SafetyLady]

I'm in my late 40s, divorced, sadly childless, and in a relationship with a man 7 years older, DP. We moved to the other end of the country for a job opportunity for me, which also let me be nearer my parents, which they wanted. This involved DP leaving a job he hated and it didn't even pay well. Seemed like a no-brainier at the time. Now 5 years on, DP still hasn't found work. We didn't anticipate it being this difficult, which was our mistake. DP has taken on being a diligent house-husband, is still applying for jobs, and while it's not ideal, we manage ok on my salary. My family (parents + siblings) are constantly on at me, asking why I'm putting up with DP not working, making out he "saw me coming" and is using me, asking when I'm going do something about it.
They're stressing me out so much! I've asked what it is they think I should do, and even asked right out if they're saying that I should end the relationship. They just tell me I'm ridiculous, and have always been dramatic. Family events are a nightmare. I honestly don't know what they think I'm doing wrong here, or what it is they think I ought to do. I'm stressed and miserable. If it helps at all, I will say I could never manage the very demanding job I have if DP wasn't doing all the cooking, housework, etc.
What am I missing?
Am I being unreasonable to not know what they expect me to do differently?

Just say to your family that it’s not their problem and ignore them when they go in about it.

I'm guessing from your op that yes they want you to give him an ultimatum.
I agree with others and suggest that for his own mental health he should take any work now, work in the local cafe, supermarket etc. the dynamic between you doesn't sound particularly healthy....and I'd say that even if the sexes were reversed.

Would he consider a change of career to something fulfilling in a different way? Stacking shelves might make him feel down about his life if that's not what he wants to do, but there are jobs in other fields that might not be brilliantly paid but are fulfilling in other ways. I used to work in probation and we got a fair few second career people if he enjoys gardening and DIY he'd name a great community payback supervisor, looking to do something more meaningful, he could look at working for a charity, or in a reparations type role for youth offending? After my dad retired he ended up in a role as a part time park ranger/fishing bailiff because it was a club he was involved in anyway and he enjoyed doing it.

It might also help the way he feels about himself. If you don't need the money he had the luxury of being able to choose something regardless of salary. Work has so many benefits other than the money in your pocket at the end of the month, but that's what lots of people have to prioritise to pay the bills, he's not in that position.

Sorry if PPs have already suggested it. He could start his own small business of handyman / gardener. I pay £30-40 per hour for these services. That might also get your family off your back.

Tbh i live very rurally but have a well paid job...yes i commute as its 40 mile away but i do it x

I personally would feel resentful if I was out working hard earning a good salary and had a DP who hadn't worked for 5 years, because it doesn't take 40 hours a week to do cooking and cleaning. You have no DC, so I have no idea what else he is doing for the rest of his time.

An acquaintance of mine had a similar DH who claimed to be looking for a job for years. In reality he was playing computer games all day. She divorced him after 5 years.

If you're happy with the situation just tell your family you're happy with things as they are, and for them not to question you about his work again.

5 years?! You're being ridiculous 🙄 There are jobs out there, tell him to go and get one. He's enjoying his break too much. You don't need a house husband. I didn't stay home until I had 2 under 5. You're being duped and ridiculous. Give him an ultimatum, get a job or move out. He will suprise you with a job very soon. You've been massively had.

He should get any job. My friend's dh, in a similar position to your dp, just got a job that involves driving people. Not a taxi but within an organisation.
There are jobs out there that he could while still looking for his ideal job.

This is a bizarre thread. If it works for you and him, then ignore the rest. I work long hours in a tough role and I’d love to come home to a clean house, food ready and company for the rest of the evening. Throw in some proper maintenance and I’d be delighted.

Obviously, if he’s unhappy then he needs to work out what to do about that, and if you resent him, then that’s significant, but if you’re both happy with the arrangement, then ignore all the critics and carry on.

You need to tell your family you appreciate their concern, but it is none of their business. They also ought to be grateful for the DIY help that he gives them.
If you are both happy and not struggling financially then it's fine, you don't need to do anything.

Mumsnet is obsessed with conventional living, everyone must have their nose to the grindstone. All this talk of pride and self respect in a minimum wage job, I do wonder if half of then have ever done a minimum wage job - working when you are a student donkey's years ago does not count.
I did similiar to your DP, moved for husband's career, there is nothing here for my career, it wasn't supposed to be permanent, but it is.. I freelance a bit, but if we are stuck for money I'll do various NMW jobs. Mostly they are crap, customers are awful these days, physical jobs aren't great in your 50s. There's no self worth in it, it's a job, it pays the rent. It's insane to be suggesting your DP does this so you can pay for a cleaner.

Your DP pulls his weight at home, volunteers, helps your parents out. I assume he is kind and loving.
Don't wreck your relationship to appease other people, if you are happy.

He can't claim benefits because your income is too high. Therefore he is entirely reliant on you.

He can't work minimum wage jobs that he won't feel happy in. Nor do you want to force him.

You both live far away, so this is perfect for a work from home job. What's the excuse there?

100's of applications in 5 years, where is the follow up. In 5 years all of those potential employers turned him down? Very likely story.

He's happy with this set-up, he's older and has a needs taken care of and worse you're enabling it. I would issue an ultimatum, that he needs to find any form of employment or he finds somewhere else to live. I can guarantee you that he would find something then or simply apply for benefits. Even then the DWP would expect him to show his actively seeking employment, in return for claiming benefits. Worse case scenario, you lost your job, I would expect there would be resentment towards him. Then you wouldn't give a flying fig about him only doing work that benefits his mental health.

If the sexes were reversed would your family disapprove? Life is short and after 60 your health frequently gets worse. If he's happy at home and you enjoy a clean house and cooked meals ignore you family and enjoy the less stressful life. NB in the 1950s this was the norm.

He needs to be working. Is he making pension contributions? What would happen if your health became bad? You're putting yourselves in a very vulnerable position. If you're earning so well, then perhaps a work or life coach could help him see a more viable route.

This.
I gave a longer reply above, but basically If you are happy, don't wreck a good relationship to appease other people.

Absolutely. If you’re both happy and can afford it, tell everyone to butt out.

Very well said. All these people saying get a job in a supermarket - it’s not as easy as they think and where I live these positions are like gold dust.

I think your family is trying to protect you as they think your partner is taking advantage of you. This is because you haven’t come out and said that the current situation is what you want from your life. If your partner not working is what works for you, then own it and say it. But if you have been trying to convince them that he is looking for work and there is no work out there for him (for 5 years!)) then they are right not to believe you.

You have asked several times what you should do about your family rather than your DP. Just say it directly that you want your DP to be a househusband and that’s that. If you own it, they will shut up. It’s the fact that he’s still applying for jobs and not finding work that your family is finding ridiculous. As are we.

To be honest, it’s none of your family’s business! If he is making your life easier, he has his own money, he is volunteering, helping out your parents (would stop that now, particularly if they don’t even so thank you) then you’re fine!

I would say to your family that you are both happy with the situation, however, as they all clearly have an issue with it, it’s probably best that you don’t put him in the uncomfortable position of helping them out and you will be happy to see them when they stop going on at you both. They do not sound like very nice people. At the end of the day, he moved to be with you and is supporting you (how many of us would love that!). If you are both happy then family can do one!

There are 2 issues here, a) Your DP not working and b) your issues with your family who clearly have concerns about your DP taking advantage.
I wonder if the reason you are getting so stressed about your family's opinion is because it is hitting a nerve with you, maybe deep down you aren't happy about him not working either as it has gone on for so long?
It clearly wasnt the plan for him to not go back to work, and 5 years is a very long time to not consider a change of direction or look at other options. Be honest with yourself - is there any part of you that feels he might be taking advantage, maybe that he used the move as an opportunity to retire and leave you carrying the financial burden? Even if it didn't start out that way, maybe he has become too comfortable and has lost the motivation to find work? l think if this was a plan that was agreed between you from the start, and you were both happy with your respective roles, then that's fine, but that wasn't the case was it? I think you need to really think about how happy you are for this to continue long term. You both need to be realistic about what it means for the future. And think about all the what if's (eg what if you became ill and could no longer work? what if you split up - how would he support himself? etc)
I think you may be touchy about your family's concerns because you know there are some issues and maybe you are not ready to confront those yet.
Mid 50's is quite young these days to retire, and working does bring benefits other than just financial, including structure to your day, social aspects etc. It can be quite isolating to be a stay at home person and isnt always very stimulating. It also feels good to earn your own money and not have to rely on someone else. I think if he really was keen to work he would have found something by now. There are so many jobs out there and yes maybe he needs to lower his expectations. In the short term it might not make financial sense, but if he can travel to volunteer then he can travel for a job. Ultimately it is your decision and if you are both happy with it, (emphasis on BOTH) then you should have the confidence to say so to your family and ask them to back off.

Where do you live? I couldn't do that and neither can my eldest who's been job searching for 7 months (not 5 years I admit).
I actually don't think jobs are that easy to get, despite what people say. Obviously if he's only going for certain jobs that needs addressing as at this stage he should apply for everything but I don't think getting a job is that easy.

In direct response to your question - if you are happy with this situation you need to have a direct conversation with your family.

”I don’t need to relay the ins and outs of our finances and I appreciate your concern for me but I am comfortable with our set up. Your repeated barbed comments are hurtful and it needs to stop.”

Have you actually ever said that?

I have a senior role and my DP works far less hours (purposefully) so does most things at home. My concern is you don’t sound assertive and that makes me question what else you let go on without addressing. But if you are genuinely fine with it you know what you need to do.

Can he do an wfh call centre job?

What sort of volunteering does he do? Given his experience, he could be very helpful to a charity in a management type role, e.g. as treasurer, adviser in his own field, etc, and that would look good on his CV. He would also probably be welcomed as a school governor.

Has he looked at short-term roles such as invigilating in school exams? Can he do back-up work from home jobs connected with his previous occupation, like research, bookkeeping or proofreading? If he can drive, there are all sorts of jobs open to him in that area.

You know what, if you're happy with the situation, I'd just lie to your family and tell them he has found a job. Make up a few basic details. Most people aren't that interested in other people's work. Your family sound annoying.

Or tell them he's taken early retirement. For some reason people find that phrasing more acceptable. A friend of mine's dad retired at 35.

I agree with this. Getting a job- any job can be beneficial for wellbeing and possibly lead him into new areas of work/ interests.
I am so busy with work (employed annd self employed) and kids but also find time for 5 hours a week for volunteering (wildlife hospital and rehabilitation centre) and I LOVE it.
Also, I wish my husband didn’t work as much- his hours are insane and he’s always on the edge of being burned out- I don’t care about the money, I’d much prefer to have him a bit more present- but that’s a whole different thread!!