I don't understand what my family expect me to do

[SafetyLady]

I'm in my late 40s, divorced, sadly childless, and in a relationship with a man 7 years older, DP. We moved to the other end of the country for a job opportunity for me, which also let me be nearer my parents, which they wanted. This involved DP leaving a job he hated and it didn't even pay well. Seemed like a no-brainier at the time. Now 5 years on, DP still hasn't found work. We didn't anticipate it being this difficult, which was our mistake. DP has taken on being a diligent house-husband, is still applying for jobs, and while it's not ideal, we manage ok on my salary. My family (parents + siblings) are constantly on at me, asking why I'm putting up with DP not working, making out he "saw me coming" and is using me, asking when I'm going do something about it.
They're stressing me out so much! I've asked what it is they think I should do, and even asked right out if they're saying that I should end the relationship. They just tell me I'm ridiculous, and have always been dramatic. Family events are a nightmare. I honestly don't know what they think I'm doing wrong here, or what it is they think I ought to do. I'm stressed and miserable. If it helps at all, I will say I could never manage the very demanding job I have if DP wasn't doing all the cooking, housework, etc.
What am I missing?
Am I being unreasonable to not know what they expect me to do differently?

those saying you say to your family “what do you suggest” risk them telling you about all the jobs they see. Everytime they go to sainsburys and see a sign for online shopping packers, or nip into costa and see their recruitment poster etc you’ll get a “helpful” photo.

I agree that five years is a long time to be out of work and maybe he should be less picky and I also understand that your family might be speaking out of concern for you but it all boils down to how you feel about the current situation.
If you're happy with it then it's not really any of your family's business but your exasperation is because they're telling you to do something about it but not specifying what that would be. Despite you asking.
Like I said, it all boils down to whether you're happy with the set up or not.

Then if he has transferrable skills he needs to head to the voluntary sector

It's much more than working in a charity shop and they need people with skills too

And sometimes it leads to paid employment

What's he doing about his pension? How's he contributing to your life/household?

Plenty Jobs in NWH and Northumberland I don’t know personally about the other two .
NWH can’t get the staff op partner could have his pick of jobs in cafes, hotels restaurants bars , shops .
Also the highlands is the place for self employment .

DH moved in with me from an entirely different part of the country and couldnt find work for a while. I loved it. My house was always clean and he did all the cooking, honestly I was really disappointed when he found a job and would have liked him not to work, but he wanted to. We werenalso sick of the questions about him fibding work. In the end we both said he was a house husband and that was his job and he wouldnt be seeking outside employment because he had plenty to do.

If you can manage and you're both hapoy does he need to work for someone else at all? Sounds like he does plenty so certainly not lazy. I really miss those days amd have asked DH to stop working numerous timea but he won't sadly. Shame though, it would be tight but we could just about manage.

Sounds like he don’t want to work, if u r happy with that that’s ok, if he likes cleaning y doesn’t he start his own cleaning business?

He should be taking a low paid job - any job - because it is not good for him hanging around each day, no purpose, no ambition and no direction. He won't be earning any kind of pension.

What happens if you have an accident or illness and he hasn't worked for fifteen years? You are not looking at the long term.

Meanwhile your family see that he is sponging off you, and they don't like it.
Having a job is seen as a matter of self respect for many people.

Why on earth isnt he charging for the jobs he is doing? sure, its nice to be nice but "nice" wont pay for food or bills. Does he contribute anything from his savings towards the pot- if not, why not?

I'm sorry but after 5 years I think it's very doubtful he's going to get a job now. I think you will have to brace yourself to the possibility that you are going to be supporting him forever. How do you feel about that?

When ever I can't find work (we have moved about a lot for my husband's job) I give it 4 weeks. If there is nothing worth applying for or seems like it's going to take a while to find work I sign to a temp agency and manage to get some sort of work within a week. It's never my dream but it often opens up doors or at least gives you a new perspective on people you've never worked with or alongside before. I think everyone should do temp agency work at some point in their life. It can be a bit scary not knowing when you'll end up but it's great life experience!

How about saying to your family, “How would you recommend I sort this out”? Big inviting smile, sit back and wait. You’re not being defensive, or dramatic. If they go down that route, say “You’ve mentioned me being dramatic before. I’m sorry you feel that way. I’m just after your advice really. What would you do if you were me?” Calmly keep repeating until they answer you, or change the subject.

On your unemployed partner, though, if you were completely content with the situation, perhaps your family’s interference wouldn’t bother you so much. Think about what you want from your partner on this subject. They have many options to be employed. As their current strategy isn’t working, ask them how can they approach it differently? It’ll help you gauge their feelings on the matter, as well as your own.

People are just suggesting options since the OP can’t think of any. He can be self-employed and do handyman work as he has been doing already without getting paid for it. Or he can retrain. 5 years - you could get 2 degrees in that time! The options are there if a person wants to find them.

I think the OP is frustrated because she is not happy with the current situation but instead of addressing it with her DP, she is getting angry with her family.

If you are both happy with the status quo then just tell your family this and that it’s none of their business. Stop letting them get to you. Your life, your choice.

He’s found ‘hundreds’ of jobs to apply for….allegedly.

As everyone here has said, he did see you coming. And there's no way he can possibly be doing all kinds of housework for 2 adults.

He needs a job. So what if it's low paid.
You need to stop enabling him by telling him he doesn't need a low paid job if he doesnt want it.

Tell the truth, you honestly hand on heart think it's fair that he hasn't contributed in 5 years?

So he doesn't just think he's too good to get off his arse and work a bog standard admin or driving job, he's too good to prove that he isn't just a bog standard middle aged alcoholic (the most common reason for somebody with his qualifications and previous work history to be out of work - when it isn't because he's got himself a criminal record, that is) and capable of getting up and doing a day's work somewhere for the good of others?

He has no effective checkable work history. He can't prove that he's capable of being trusted around others. He can't prove that he can use a computer, speak on the phone, get up and travel to a workplace to arrive on time, act professionally or function in any way. He can't prove that he's a safe, reliable driver, able to put things in boxes, form effective working relationships, learn new skills and practices - he's not even able to prove that he's able to push a broom or vacuum cleaner around or deal with a leaking dishwasher.

He did see you coming.

If it works for you then there is no issue. The only problem is if the work situation is getting him down or impacting significantly on your finances. With Christmas approaching there will be temporary opportunities to work in retail or for Royal Mail - perhaps he can look to do that?

From what you have said you are happy with each other, you don't feel he is exploiting you, he is seeking employment relevant to his skillset and you have perfectly sensible reasons for him not taking random low paid jobs.

Has he considered classing himself as "self employed". He has been doing a lot of DIY from what you have said, could he earn some money doing this? Could he also consider investigating whether he could offer his skillset to local (or further afield) companies on a self employed ad-hoc basis?

So to answer your question about what you should do? Nothing - if you don't want to. Your family have what they perceive to be your best interests at heart, but your perception is different. They are not wrong to be concerned, but they don't control your life.

I agree with your family after 5 years he should be taking ANY job he can find. It's not as if he has taken on the role of mum to tiny children.
He is cocklodging.
If that was me and roles were reversed I'd be busting a gut to find any job possible even if it was cleaning toilets.
Does he have no self respect? You didn't agree that he could just give up working when you moved. It seems to be his decision with no consultation with you, living in your home.
I wouldn't put up with this kind of freeloading for sure.
I'd be telling him to get a job or leave. His days of sponging off you are over.

5 years - you could get 2 degrees in that time! The options are there if a person wants to find them

Exactly- in 5 years he could have learnt to drive, re-trained, completed some courses, started a business, started a side hustle, sold stuff on eBay or on other platforms, researched ways of getting extra income (eg you can take part in focus groups- I researched this and recently got paid £250 for just giving my opinion in a hour long zoom call but it involved me being proactive and actually searching for it) the possibilities are endless. Simply sending applications for 5 years and not doing anything else is a bit of a waste of 5 years, it's a shame. If you two werent together he would have had no choice but to do something and thats the problem with what he probably views as a safety net- there is no motivation for him to do it because he knows nothing will happen if he doesnt.

I do empathise with him struggling to find work but he really isnt being at all proactive in researching other options is he?

@SafetyLady

of course you could manage in your job without him. How do you think single women cope?

He’s seven years older than her

Come off it OP you know he is sponging. I did a podiatry degree in my 50's and now earn a lot of money. Why has he done no courses no degrees nothing. Even if you have no GCSEs you can still get in as a mature student with a years pre study.

THIS. He's had FIVE YEARS - wtf has he been doing all that time?

I'm an OT and on my course there were at least 5 people in their late 40s/early 50s re-training and they are now working and doing really well.

If he really wanted to, he would have done it by now. Actions speak louder than words.

OP I think you should ignore your family and comments on here telling you what you should do and think, just cut the conversation dead when they start going on about it, do you tell them what to do, no, so they have no right to tell you how to live your life either.

If you are happy and he is happy and it works for you both why should you change, it’s nothing to do with anyone else. It sounds as if he’s a really nice person and you’re happy together, it’s probably more a case of jealousy that they can’t afford to do that.

It is probably good that he does socialise outside the home so I would just encourage him to continue with his voluntary work, maybe a door will open for him in the future.

See this post absolutely proves how unhappy you are with the situation, because otherwise you'd say "Yeah, well it works for us" and that'd be that.

So firstly you need to be honest with yourself about being unhappy (which I think you're struggling to do).

Then you need to sit him down and tell him you're unhappy with his laziness, and that he needs to do something about it.

If he wants to stay home all day (which he clearly does), then go for a compromise and tell him he needs a part-time job, so you're not constantly funding his massively early retirement.