I don't understand what my family expect me to do

[SafetyLady]

I'm in my late 40s, divorced, sadly childless, and in a relationship with a man 7 years older, DP. We moved to the other end of the country for a job opportunity for me, which also let me be nearer my parents, which they wanted. This involved DP leaving a job he hated and it didn't even pay well. Seemed like a no-brainier at the time. Now 5 years on, DP still hasn't found work. We didn't anticipate it being this difficult, which was our mistake. DP has taken on being a diligent house-husband, is still applying for jobs, and while it's not ideal, we manage ok on my salary. My family (parents + siblings) are constantly on at me, asking why I'm putting up with DP not working, making out he "saw me coming" and is using me, asking when I'm going do something about it.
They're stressing me out so much! I've asked what it is they think I should do, and even asked right out if they're saying that I should end the relationship. They just tell me I'm ridiculous, and have always been dramatic. Family events are a nightmare. I honestly don't know what they think I'm doing wrong here, or what it is they think I ought to do. I'm stressed and miserable. If it helps at all, I will say I could never manage the very demanding job I have if DP wasn't doing all the cooking, housework, etc.
What am I missing?
Am I being unreasonable to not know what they expect me to do differently?

Next time your family tell you that you are being ridiculous say, I think its ridiculous your constantly telling me to do something when you are unable to tell me what that thing is.

I do not see anything 'wrong' with this. Your DP could continue doing voluntary work, or perhaps try to expand on something he has always wanted to do (ideal opportunity to write that novel, or develop other skills).

If you are both happy with this arrangement, then it is no-one else's business.

Then the female equivalent name should be given to every SAHM, surely, based on your interpretation?

I think after 5 years and 100s of applications your partner is applying for the wrong kind of positions. Hopefully he’s had feedback from at least some which might help him work out what the issue is - skills gap, lack of experience, lack of current experience?

He probably lost a lot of his immediate friendship circle when he moved as well.

if he has found meaningful and enjoyable volunteering where he has built up a network of friends, I’d say that will help. If not he probably does need for his own sanity to get back into the workplace, starting with a job beneath where he has been applying. This will give him current and local experience, which combined with his past management experience means in time he can be promoted to the kind of job he feels he should be stepping into now.

your family are right that 5 years is a long time not to work at all but they also need to know that impact of them talking about it all the time is having on you

You really can't understand that it's the extent of the housework? If a mature partner who is out working most of the day really causes as much mess and subsequent housework for their partner as having kids in the house does, then there's something seriously wrong.

Not to mention the other difference of kids actively needing looked after to in addition to the extra housework they generate.

Same here. DH was 'trailing spouse'. When we returned to the UK it was very difficult for DH to get any sort of job. Honestly, I think he would have found it easier if he had been in prison, at least then there are organisations to help.

PPs claiming he could get work as a self employed handyman/cleaner/whatever clearly live in urban areas. OP has said that where they live is quite isolated. This means that jobs are few and far between and often get snapped up by people who know other people.

A beaverlodger?

What about pension contributions? If he is not receiving benefits he won’t be contributing to his State Pension . What about a private pension ? Are you paying into that ?

No…is he a SAHD?

Even when the children are older and out of the house most of the day?

Is a SAHM who employs a cleaner, gardener, dog walker still a SAHM or a lazy fucker in your eyes?.

Well yes, thats the entire point surely? he ISNT doing "work" all day long is he? so its not remotely accurate to say housework is "working" when he's merely doing the odd chore or two around the house.

Both my DH and I work full time (and have kids) and we still manage to cook and clean our house- him doing a bit of cleaning here and there during his free time is hardly worthy of a medal. Nor does it indicate a huge effort on his part since most people do that with jobs. If OP is working full time its the bare minimum he ought to be doing.

Personally, from another bucket, I don't think you should worry what your family thinks.
I noticed you said you were sadly childless.
Well, I'm 45, still married, happily child free.
What I would do in your shoes would be ditching both your partner and your family and enjoy the fantastic freedom you have the potential for.
A diligent house husband would not have my respect.
Everyone is different.

It's a spectrum, isn't it? If the kids are self-sufficient and they outsource the housework, then yeah that would be lazy. Though it's fair enough if they're honest and open about taking this time for themselves now after previous years of self-sacrifice and child raising. It doesn't sound like OP's DH has served as time as a SAHD of her children, has he?

I'd still however think poorly of those who deny this and insist the hour of cleaning an empty house they do every day is a full time vocation, male or female.

You both need to sit down and talk about this, if the current situation is working for you both and you don't need more money, go with it. If you need more money or if your DP needs to work then try and resolve the situation. As for your parents and the rest of your family tell them it is none of their business and to wind their necks in or if you don't feel you can do that tell them he has a new job in insurance ( some obscure insurance not home, life or travel) or proof reading for Harper Collins.

I think you are making excuses for him. 5 years is a very, very long time. If he says he is applying for jobs (and you presumably believe him), then his expectations are probably too high. There have never been as many jobs out there for people who want to work.

Reading between the lines, I think he rather likes being a house husband and I do get where your family is coming from.

I haven't read the whole thread but I would be very disappointed if he was claiming unemployment benefits.

I haven't read the whole thread but... Surely you and he need to have a long talk about the future. Does he have a pension? How long would you have to keep working if he doesn't? Does the current set up work for you both? Is it viable long term? Maybe you both need to look for work elsewhere. It doesn't seem that you are enjoying being near your parents. The longer he is out of work the harder it will be to get back in. He may need to start again further down the ladder than before. The long term future needs to be considered for both your sakes. Ignore your family but think about yourselves.

The important thing about the SAHM label is the M part, as there are children to be looked after. OP and her partner have no children.

He is only in his 40’s. Keeping a house clean and tidy, shopping and washing & ironing are not that time consuming when there are only 2 people involved. Doing odd jobs and a bit of volunteer work is also not that time consuming. This chap has a lovely charmed life-I would love it. Pottering about the house and garden, doing occasional stuff for others. Relax, enjoy myself all whilst my partner earns the funds to keep us. Yes, he has some savings but that probably doesn’t go far and certainly won’t last for the next 40 years. His pension will certainly be non existent.

OP; what’s important is whether you are happy and what you think it sounds like you have concerns yourself as this is a constant conversation being had, so maybe have a think as to what you would like the future to look like.

He could go to an agency and get work

He could go to an agency and get work

Again, there are wide swathes of the country where there are no "agencies" offering that sort of casual work.

He's a Cocklodger

Having now read all your responses, I can see that you are a very hard working and supportive wife. It sounds like he has got himself into a depressive rut where he sees low paid work as not worth the effort buy he has to look at the bigger picture here. If he gets put of the house, socialising with people in a workplace, that will give him a sense of purpose.

I wish you both good luck and maybe it might be an idea to sit down with him and cherry pick the type of realistic situation he would like to work in so you have a starting base to work from.

Sounds a bit like you are being bullied a bit by your family

you moved closer to them because that is what they wanted? Was it what you wanted? Is it what your DP wants?

is your DP financially contributing (through savings) or is it literally all on your shoulders?

if you are carrying the financial burden 100% it is not really fair off your partner to not get any paid gigs instead of fading around a bit doing vague unpaid projects that lead to nothing

the pension thing is a big issue. Any work would help with that, he was early 50s when he gave up work and moved, has he hit 30 years? If not, taking any work would be a sensible move for you both.

He is only in his 40’s. Keeping a house clean and tidy, shopping and washing & ironing are not that time consuming when there are only 2 people involved. Doing odd jobs and a bit of volunteer work is also not that time consuming. This chap has a lovely charmed life-I would love it. Pottering about the house and garden, doing occasional stuff for others. Relax, enjoy myself all whilst my partner earns the funds to keep us. Yes, he has some savings but that probably doesn’t go far and certainly won’t last for the next 40 years. His pension will certainly be non existent

Yes- this sounds blissful to me. But I would never do it, the idea of no pension and the (even if remote) possibility of splitting up and being financially adrift would scare the crap out of me. What on earth would he do if you split- he'd have literally nothing and wouldn't be able to support himself. What happens once you are both retired- you gonna support him for the rest of your life? Be very careful of that, if you found yourself unhappy with him later on you'd feel a massive pressure to stay with him out of fear of him being homeless/broke.

This really is none of your families business, and I would tell them that, if both of you are happy with the arrangement then that's all that matters