I don't understand what my family expect me to do

[SafetyLady]

I'm in my late 40s, divorced, sadly childless, and in a relationship with a man 7 years older, DP. We moved to the other end of the country for a job opportunity for me, which also let me be nearer my parents, which they wanted. This involved DP leaving a job he hated and it didn't even pay well. Seemed like a no-brainier at the time. Now 5 years on, DP still hasn't found work. We didn't anticipate it being this difficult, which was our mistake. DP has taken on being a diligent house-husband, is still applying for jobs, and while it's not ideal, we manage ok on my salary. My family (parents + siblings) are constantly on at me, asking why I'm putting up with DP not working, making out he "saw me coming" and is using me, asking when I'm going do something about it.
They're stressing me out so much! I've asked what it is they think I should do, and even asked right out if they're saying that I should end the relationship. They just tell me I'm ridiculous, and have always been dramatic. Family events are a nightmare. I honestly don't know what they think I'm doing wrong here, or what it is they think I ought to do. I'm stressed and miserable. If it helps at all, I will say I could never manage the very demanding job I have if DP wasn't doing all the cooking, housework, etc.
What am I missing?
Am I being unreasonable to not know what they expect me to do differently?

Yeah. This is not right. He would ah e found something in 5 years, he is taking the piss.

Probably because most people work full time and still manage to do their own housework. I dont believe anyone is doing house work for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week.

What on earth are you doing around the house for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week?

The fact is, he didn’t give up his job, he gave up WORKING!! He’s not interested in finding a job, why would he be? OP is happy to foot all the bills while he does some housework and makes the dinner at night, I’d say he’s got it made! I don’t believe for one minute he’s applied for ‘hundreds’ of jobs and can’t get one…not for one minute! However, as I say, it’s up to you OP, you believe him all you want, you pay for everything all you want, if you’re happy living with a moocher, again, that’s up to you. Just tell your family, nothing you can do, you’re happy living this way 🤷‍♀️ I’d have lost respect for him long ago!

It’s not though is it.

These are 2 adults with no children and so the housework and cooking etc is minimal.

Most people work FT and still manage to cook and clean.

If this works for OP and her DH, then they should carry on and not care what other people think.

But a childless adult being unemployed for 5 years is taking the piss and due to his age and the time he’s been out of work, it means that it’s going to get harder for him to get a job and OP is going to have to subsidise him for the rest of his life.

If this was a thread about a grown up child living at home and not having a job for 5 years, we would all be telling the OP to tell him to get a job.

At the very least this man could be learning to drive so he is able to get a job easier.

What would happen if OP lost her job or got sick.

I could not be with a man who hadn’t worked for 5 years.

I would say the same to a woman who hasn’t worked for 5 years too.

If your family are seeing you face the financial burden then i can understand their concerns. Many people have to go back to minimum wage jobs after looking after dc, redundancy or ill health but it does not mean they stay on those wages. They get promoted or use the skills to get better paid jobs. After being a shm i went back to a low paid job but used it as a stepping stone to get better employment. I do not understand why he would not do that. Volunteering is great but in his case he should be using it to gain skills to get jobs not as an excuse to not work. Unless he is retired then he should be in any paid work going.

If he enjoys the odd jobs that he does locally, could he not set up as a self-employed odd-job man? That way, he could get paid for what he now does for free and I'm sure he should get recommendations from the people he has worked for for free. He could also choose how much or how little he takes on, so that he is still free to cook, clean etc. for you.

It's almost impossible to get a home handyman round my way.

Surely the obvious solution is him becoming self employed? Either doing something related to his previous professional experience, or doing some kind of labouring/ handyman/ task rabbit type thing?

I found myself in a similar situation to your DP, so I got off my arse and made work for myself, like generations and generations of working class people before me.

This sums up the situation perfectly in my eyes! The PP shares the family view that any job is better than no job. OP and her bloke have decided that for them only a certain type of job will be better than no job.
both opinions are valid! OP gets to decide. Family gets to be happy about it or not. Differing views are the way of the world!

@Shessweetbutapsycho ". How many times on this site do we remind each other that unpaid work in the home IS work?"

I don't think we do where there are no children.

When they say 'you should do something about it', just say 'any ideas?'.

Every time.

You should’ve realised you have a lazy, cocklodging moocher on your hands and dumped him.

I dont know about that…

My cousin is in his fifties and it’s obvious he is on the autism spectrum although he and his elderly mum would be horrified to even hear that, let alone get support for it. Please don’t even ask me to suggest it - it wouldn’t be a good thing for family relations and he would do nothing with the information.

He has been out of work for years despite daily diligent applications for jobs. He just interviews terribly. Due to his (undiagnosed) ASD he is very rigid about the types of jobs he applies for so can’t see beyond a set boundary which at his age he will never get as there are kids coming straight from school with better skills. However, also due to not knowing he is on the spectrum he will get no support.

I worry terribly about him, but don’t always assume it’s laziness that means people aren’t working. There can be other factors at play. If he ever gets the right support at the job centre maybe he will get something but he is older now and the odds get worse.

This has nothing to do with the original post, just to get people to think a bit beyond laziness with worklessness. It’s not everyone.

OP what are you/DP doing about a five year gap in his NI contributions ? This will have a significant impact on his state pension and entitlement to benefits, should he need them at some point. It may not seem important now but what about when you are both retired - you will potentially both be living off whatever pension/s you have yourself. And what would happen if you were unable to work for some reason ? I would get him to the nearest JobCentre to find out if he can register for work and receive NI contributions, or as is more likely, make voluntary contributions himself.

IME families are very good at criticising when other people don't do things the 'right' way ie their way.

My family are a bit like that. The 'right' way was civil service job followed by retirement at the earliest opportunity.

Also a lot of posters don't seem to realise that it is very difficult to get an 'anything' job. Especially for men. A big CV gap is viewed with great suspicion. Probably more than for women.

The only reason I would suggest your DH gets a job @SafetyLady is to get his NI contributions in place to ensure he can claim state pension.

The accusations of being 'dramatic' are because you aren't doing things their way. They have seen that their jibes get to you and see that as justification.

You could take a 2 strikes and out approach:

After first comment: 'It's none of your business'
After second comment 'It's still none of your business'
After third comment 'Right, we're off'. No flouncing, just leave.

Repeat at each family meet up. The message will, slowly, sink in

This. Plus if he also was working he’d be out of the house and make less mess. If you can’t manage cooking and housework for two adults then is something seriously wrong.

Listen to your family.

OP,
Stop seeing your family so much.
Dial it back completely.
Do not allow your DP to help your CF parents again.
You are too old to still be so enmeshed with them.
How you haven't told the to bluntly STFU and mind their own business.
It works for you.
He should be looking for online work perhaps.
Do not marry him, as that would be financially unwise, but if you are genuinely happy and are happy to support him do.
But step the hell away from your family.
They are toxic in their level of involvement and mocking of you, while happily being helped by him.

You need distance and boundaries. Take a complete break and tell them you have no wish to see them until they stfu and mind their own business
But he needs to widen his search.
He is very vulnerable depending on you.
Has he quietly retired?

I’m retired. Worked for best part of 40 years. I do housework as and when I fancy it.

Don't tell them everything e.g. he's got a contract with X organisation - no need for them to know it is volunteering for 4 hours on a Wednesday. He's gone self employed - he's doing a bit of selling on ebay. Or tell them to mind their own or just lie.

No one would be slating him if he was a woman staying at home, keeping house, doing a bit of volunteering if her well paid partner was happy with the situation.

Just wanted to add next time your parents want some jobs done he will clearly be too busy with his new "role" to help them.

It sounds like he is a decent guy, he's obviously not lazy and indolent if you've seen evidence of job hunting and he's helped you're parents out, and you are happy with him. So I don't think you should leave him because he can't get a job. Ageism sucks and I suspect is why it's so hard for him to land something in his own field, especially as he's been out for so long. Are there any work support charities in your local area that might help? When I was out of work I found an amazing one that really helped; I don't know where you live as it might not be easy to find outside a large city, but these things can be helpful for people stuck in a rut if they have experience above the level that Job Centre type services will offer help with.

Personally I wouldn’t want to be with a partner who was unemployed especially for such a long time. It would annoy me to pay for everything and to have to get up early when they weren’t. I’d also be worried about if I got ill what would happen financially. What will happen with pensions etc.

But that’s ME.

The question is are YOU happy with the situation?

I thought the definition of a cocklodger is one who doesn’t work or do anything to make himself useful. The OP’s DP does not appear to fit that definition.

We don't know the ins and outs of the poster's life. She says she lives "very rurally". If they are in the north west Highlands, deepest Wales, parts of Northumberland/Cumbria, there are not these endless fast food restaurants, supermarkets or coffee shops which exist in towns and cities. And very few large employers at all.

The situation is not that unusual, DH is planning to be retired by 55 or 56 and will not do paid work after that. Getting work in your 50s is not easy, even if you DO want to work. Ageism is very much a thing.

Also, OP and her DH are happy with the situation! They have enough money. He does the house stuff, volunteers, helps out her parents. She works. It works for them and if they are both happy with the situation then that's all that matters.

Having been in your DP position I sympathise. It's all very well folk on here having a snipe about getting any job and intimating he's not bothering, but when you reach a certain age it's not as easy as you think, especially if you have been out of work some time. AGEISM is alive and well and starts at 50. Many of the jobs people are mentioning on here such as bar work, waitstaff etc are the domain of young folk for a reason! They are cheaper to employ than a grown up and easier to manipulate. Sometimes it's worth doing a few courses to upskill or keep your skills sharp and it proves to employers you are willing to work. He can only keep plugging away.
At the end of the day, if you are both happy with your living arrangements, whose business is it than yours? Wish him the best of luck, it will happen eventually, it did for me.

Have people forgotten about remote jobs where you never need to go into a workplace?

Then we’ll agree to disagree on that.