to hate my dh 's job and the effect it has on our family life

[floaty]

This probably isn't the right place to post but I just need to let off steam.Dh works very long hours and I am fed up of evening after evening on my own,I know lots of people have it worse but sometimes I just think it would be nice to have an evening at home or be able to have people over at the weekend but I never know if he is going to be able to be there.The last time we went out for supper (to very close friends)he spent most of the evening in the hall on his blackberry trying to close deal.I know he hates this too so I feel that I can't moan to him, clients just expect this level of service from him ,they want everything yesterday but I HATE what it is doing to him,our family and our relationship,he is so tired all the time and seems unable to switch off truly,even when on the face of it on holiday he is still fretting at the back of his mind about work.

The irony is that he moved jobs 5 years ago to be closer to home and improve his work life balalnce etc but its as bad as ever now and he is just about to head up new office in a city 40 miles ago where he was originally working and where we were supposed to be escaping from the commute to so we are back to square one.I had increased my hours but have just handed in notice,thankfully they have offered me an alternative for only 21 hours a week which is great as I love working there but the hours were impossible with him not around.

I know he loves us but is it so unreasonable just to want a weekend when he doesn't go to work or to feel that work could occiasionally fit around us and not the other way around.Sometimes I feel so lonely being on my own every evening with the children and if I have to cook one more meal at 10pm I will scream (if I don't he just gets takeaways which were making him really feel ill)Sometimes I wonder if we will ever see our old age together he seems to be aging in front of me and I love him so much and can't bear the thought of something happening to him ,but he juat says thats life.

Sorry for the rant but just needed to get it out.

PS he has just rung to say he probably won't be home tonight that hes got to work all weekend and will be flying to Singapore next week for a week....Oh joy

my dh is away tonight and tomorrow - hence I'm on here

he was supposed to be WAH all week, but got up at 4am this morning to catch a plane

does he earn a good salary?

Is he a city lawyer? Sounds like my old job. Its no life and the money does not compensate.

Is there any other alternative? Less brutal firm perhaps? Poor you though it is tough on you both. And your concerns about his health are well founded. A partner at my old office died recently of a heart attack - he was in his early 40s and had 3 young children. Just awful.

Actually thats why I am on here tonight, bf is in bed I was sat talking to him , he was half asleep and telling me about going into work at weekend (he is headteacher) and I got fed up and stomped out before it turned into an argument. He spent most of Easter holidays in work and I did a couple for him (He is my boss) but I am just fed up its got back to this the first week back

hifi

No amount of money compensates for that sort of lifestyle.

I sympathise floaty,my dp sounds similar although maybe not quite as bad.I have long come to expect that it's how he is and won't change.he also does a job with high level client expectation.In the early days I used to get pretty annoyed with the always on the mobile/blackberry on hols etc but again just accept it now.
We have a 6mo now and work hasn't changed. No paternity leave as too busy,not sure how it will be with more than one dc.
He also works at least part of every weekend.
Like you I love him and if he wasn't like this he wouldn't be him but it is hard,you also know that if you nag about it it feels worse.He loves his little boy and i worry about him missing out.
Not really much help but you are not alone! my dp gets his dinner heated in the microwave every night. No way I'm cooking at 10pm!

thats why i was asking bree, if he is on good money then unfortunatly thats how it is usually.

I do totally understand your situation, and empathise (my dh works abroad at least 4 days a week every week), but there is an element of choice in there. Presumably he is very well paid for what he does, and his/your choice is to take the money and put up with the stress (the same choice that we have obviously made), but there are other options available. They just have a different set of drawbacks.

Maybe you both need to sit down and weigh up the pros and cons of the different options available to you.

My DH (pre children) used to leave home on a Monday and if I was lucky he came back on Thursday evening, but generally it was a Friday.

His career took off in leaps and bounds,he is a legend in his own lunchtime in his chosen field, was it worth it ??

Not really.

Pre child even, I only have the one.

agree with CantSleep. Sounds harsh perhaps, but you do sound absolutely upset, so perhaps it's time for a change?

When we had DS1 it was my intention to keep working but healthwise we had to change things - my pg was at risk as I was stressed so much. IT was the hardest thing I've ever done but I've become a SAHM, DH has got a different job - tho still in the City - and we're managing. Had to give up some things but if your priorities are health and happiness rather than money at any cost, there is a way...

good luck; it's not easy.

Totally recognise what you are saying. You end up doing very little for yourself because you have to hold it all together at home and lose the will to have a social life of your own. You're married, but you feel like a lone parent a lot of the time. It's hard. We moved to be
within 10 mins of DHs work, yet STILL I am often on my own in the evenings and the blackberry is his constant companion. It's not how I imagined family life would be.

My DH works away - back one night during week max. I have just decided not to dwell on it - it is a contract for 2 years (he is 6 months in) and I am doing a Masters, enjoying time with the DC and also have a network of mums who also have husbands working away so we share cooking dinners once a week. We rowed a lot at the start, because we were on a different 'wavelength' on a Friday, but we discussed everything and I just don't want to be resentful about him being away - he finds it hard too and it is something he wants to do "for all our futures"!

He is a lawyer ,used to be with v large firm abut moved to medium provincial 5 years ago but no better as took a fair few clients with him and without the money you get in the city,we are comfortable though and we get to live in a nice part of the world and he gets a real say in the running of the practce etc ,the large firm was so political.

It is easy to say there are other options but what else does a 44 year old corporate lawyer with 3 children in private schools ,one about to start GCSE,one with special needs and a mortgage and dependent parents do.

I know I am not alone and its been like this or the 18 years we have been married so why it has suddenly started to upset me I am not sure but I feel so despondant about it.We came back from holiday on Sat so it should feel better but we landed at 6.30am home by 1.00 am and he was in the office by 12.30pm!!

I sympathise. My DH works very long hours too, and what I find most difficult is that the hours are erratic so I never know where I stand. He booked Easter week off and ended up working 3 days out of the 4 - and this wasn't unusual.

Dont really have any advice but you're certainly not alone.

Friend of dh did this. Told us one day he looked up and his kids were teenagers and HE DIDN'T KNOW THEM. Most appalling shock for him.

Talk to dh about it. Is the salary worth not knowing your children? (Our friend's wife left him not long after his revelation, by the way; he'd left it too late to do anything about it.)

Totally sympathise.
Dh was a junior doctor when we married,used to work from 9am friday morning until 5pm monday without a break when on call at weekend,and was on call every third night in week. We took 6 years to have DS after DD1!

I totally sympathise as my life is just the same. I tell myself that the salary compensates but of course it doesn't. We even returned from holiday early once.

We moved to Cheshire last summer and I had real hope that although he was doing the same job, it wouldn't be as pressured as when he was in the City. Not so. In some ways it's worse as he's often in London 4 or 5 days a week.

Not much I can say really. I do feel for you especially as you're worried about his health. I haven't thought about that too yet as DH doesn't seem to show much signs of physical stress. Maybe I should consider that more.

Hope you at least feelbetter knowing you're not alone. Sometimes I feel as though family life would be no worse if he was in the forces.

My dh is similar, though he has managed to work his schedule so that he can spend some time with us. He is out working usually 2 nights a week, and one day every other weekend, but on the 3 nights he does come home he is home by 6:45 so he can see the kids. He does then eat and go stright into his study, so I am left to my own devices most evenings, but at least he's at home.

Has he got an exit strategy? The only way I cope with the impact on our relationship is because I know that the money he is earning, and the fact that we don't spend all of it, means that he will be retiring from the City in 7 years max. He'll probably still consult, but he will work his work around us, rather than the other way around.
I've also insisted he looks after himslef - he had a medical which scared him a few years ago so I built a gym in our house, and he exercises there 5 times a week, and eats healthily, and has hugely reduced the amount he drinks (my dh is also a legend in his own lunchtime LGJ) and it's made a huge difference to his overall health

Sorry that was meant to mean 11.00 am.

Its really good to hear other people in the same boat I do have friends in RL with similar life and like I say I am not sure why it feels so bad at the moment.I think maybe theres been a step change before there was always a goal now this is just it,I can't see it ever getting better and he doesn't ever seem to be able to fully enjoy himself anymore,work is always in the cbackground

Im not in the same situation as im a single mum, but i hate it when peoples careers take over their lives, whats the point in earning all that money if you cant enjoy it??

I could have been posting similar a month ago - although not city and dh never worked at weekends, but was rarely about in the week.
Four weeks ago he announced he was leaving, as he hasn't felt loved for years and can't live like this any more.
I am left thinking wtf have I been holding everything together at home for.
Yes, the money has been lovely, but I would rather have been a bit less well off and seen more of him.

Don't have personal experience but my FIL ran/runs his own company. His children are only getting to know him now he is semi-retired (they are in their 30s + and he is in his 60s). They alternately worship him and resent him tbh; he hasn't got a clue how to deal with his grandchildren, it's as though they are an alien species. Another family member is a company manager on an international level - it's pretty much the same scenario with his family.

Sorry, not a helpful or supportive post but that's how it could turn out. That's life indeed.

That's a good point about the exit strategy Prufrock. We were aiming to pay off the mortgage (though are about to increase it to do some work on the house), thinking that that would ease the stress sooner, but with dc2 on the way, and plans to send them both to private school, I think our plan might be a little flawed!

floaty - no one has suggested that the choices would be easy, but you have a clear means of saving money by taking the children out of private education, if that is what you choose. That would clearly be on your 'cons' list of finding a less stressful job.

Oh ChasingSquirrels - I'm so sorry to hear that . Hope you're bearing up ok.