to hate my dh 's job and the effect it has on our family life

[floaty]

This probably isn't the right place to post but I just need to let off steam.Dh works very long hours and I am fed up of evening after evening on my own,I know lots of people have it worse but sometimes I just think it would be nice to have an evening at home or be able to have people over at the weekend but I never know if he is going to be able to be there.The last time we went out for supper (to very close friends)he spent most of the evening in the hall on his blackberry trying to close deal.I know he hates this too so I feel that I can't moan to him, clients just expect this level of service from him ,they want everything yesterday but I HATE what it is doing to him,our family and our relationship,he is so tired all the time and seems unable to switch off truly,even when on the face of it on holiday he is still fretting at the back of his mind about work.

The irony is that he moved jobs 5 years ago to be closer to home and improve his work life balalnce etc but its as bad as ever now and he is just about to head up new office in a city 40 miles ago where he was originally working and where we were supposed to be escaping from the commute to so we are back to square one.I had increased my hours but have just handed in notice,thankfully they have offered me an alternative for only 21 hours a week which is great as I love working there but the hours were impossible with him not around.

I know he loves us but is it so unreasonable just to want a weekend when he doesn't go to work or to feel that work could occiasionally fit around us and not the other way around.Sometimes I feel so lonely being on my own every evening with the children and if I have to cook one more meal at 10pm I will scream (if I don't he just gets takeaways which were making him really feel ill)Sometimes I wonder if we will ever see our old age together he seems to be aging in front of me and I love him so much and can't bear the thought of something happening to him ,but he juat says thats life.

Sorry for the rant but just needed to get it out.

PS he has just rung to say he probably won't be home tonight that hes got to work all weekend and will be flying to Singapore next week for a week....Oh joy

saveme-PMSL

No sorry I meant I have 3 DC's and am PG with number 4

We have a comfortable standard of living but I do wonder if it is worth the constant stress and exhaustion, once the business is more profitable ( we are in the process of expanding) I am hoping we will have more time

Yes, that's always the worry isn't it?
Are we doing the right thing by making sure we're doing ok financially. By paying for school, nice hols, big garden etc. Or, is the right thing to give them more time with Daddy even if it means a serious change in lifestyle?

Sorry, Floaty, I am clearly no help.

Another wife of a corporate lawyer (city firm) - crap isn't it ? I used to be a city accountant so we both used to do it but dd got me out .

No advice just sympathy ! I too cook meals at 10pm - friends are shocked but, not only would DH not eat properly, neither would I and its at least one way to sit down and talk together !

I also sympathise. I am a WOHM and also the sole breadwinner for my family. My dh is chronically ill and there are days when he just can't cope and I have to go home. Thank crap I work for the NHS; it's still unbelievably difficult but it can be done.

I'm left in the horrendous sitation where I can't be at home when my little boy is awake, always. I feel terrible. Terrible. But I don't know how to meet all of my obligations. I have to earn the money. I can't let go like these dads - sorry, dads, but it seems so - and just focus on that; my god, I am so desperately trying to keep it all together.

What is the formula for modern motherhood? I misssed the seminar ...

Oh tribpot thta really puts my problems into perspective .I don't know what to say except keep smiling you are doing an amazing job

Maybe you get to a stage in your life where you get fed up waiting for that mythical point in the future when family life will be more normal. Maybe you start worrying the kids will be grown by then and because you've spent years being the back-room boy, it's hard to work out what YOU want from the rest of your life - I think that's why it suddenly hits you in waves when, at other times it's so normal you barely think about it.

Oh Tribpot, you've made me feel ashamed of myself for moaning.
I hope things get a little easier for you soon.

Floaty.What is your DH's cut off point with a client? Where is his self respect? No one should be on call 24/7 it gives the client and society the wrong impression. Things can't be done yesturday because you weren't told yesturday. Is he enjoying himself? If the answer is no when does he plan to enjoy life? Have a cut off point with the clients and the machines. I think 8pm is very reasonable. No phone calls during dinner not even when you are having a cup of tea together. Home to kiss the kids and you once a week. Saturday Morning NO phones No work at all. You can't take calls in a swimming pool with kids.Tell them later you were swimming. If he sticks to the house rules for a week give him a special treat (naughty knickers always works)And give him more naughty treats as he spends more time with you and the family Is that a idea?

Star bear if he doesn't take the call another firm will and to be fair to him he does often say no especially at weekends but they still call and try it on ,also he is often sandwiched between time zones at the moment one job in Texas another in Singapore.

Even if the reaction isn't immmediate as he says"you are only as good as your last deal"We know one person who was forced to work Xmas day because the client demanded it and was prepared to pay through the nose(I did tell dh that would be grounds for divorce!!and I think he would draw the line at that)Next time the deals are handed out if your reponse isn't quick enough someone else will get the job,thats what I mean the personal respect has gone and the client loyalty,he does command quite a lot of loyalty but ultimately the client isn't interetsted in your dinner party only that he stands to lose a lot of money if the silly timetable they have agereed doesn't get met.

Sorry to rant but it makes me so angry that they think they can treat him like this

Tribpot, Sorry It's pants. Hope you get some help from family. Your boy will be very proud of you when he grows up. My DH has had four hip ops. Thanks to the NHS he can still walk. Thank you for all your hard work.

Well my DH is a chef - so I am on my own 5 nights a week and it is pretty crap. But I have found that I am a stronger person than I realised and can cope with pretty much anything.

The one thing that really pisses me off, though, is when people tell "it must be great being married to a chef as they must cook you such lovely food." Er, no, he cooks lovely food for people that are paying - I cook for me and the kids most nights.

Ah well, at least I have MN for entertainment.

Did anyone read my post re my FIL?

It could be a glimpse into the future - I could post more detail if anyone's interested. From dh's perspective, it's not worth it.

These companies bleed employees and families dry imo. Let them have a taste of the good life and take it from there, mortgage yourself to the hilt blah blah. I guess it works for some.

This post worries me. My OH is doing his training contract and is working longer and longer hours. Luckily this has not yet extended to working weekends etc but already he doesn't want to take time off for holidays etc. His career is important to him from an intellectual point of view; he has worked hard to get where he is and he sees it as a challenge, so I want to support him. But equally, if I'm honest, I would much rather he had a less high powered job. I really don't care about the money etc, I would much rather have him.

I was a City Lawyer pre DD and I guessed that your DH was a lawyer too when I read the op.

No helpful comments really except that for me, when i was working the ridiculous hours, cancelling holidays etc etc, it truly wasn't about the salary or the losing clients (there are always more!), with the benefit of hindsight, it was more about the excitement and the feeling intellectually needed.

Even before we had DD, I took the opportunity to go and work in-house with a MUCH better work-life balance and to be honest, that seemed really, really boring. The awful lows weren't there but neither were the adrenalin highs. I've given up law completely now and I'm a SAHM studying part time for a completely different career.

For me, nothing anyone could have said would have changed the way I worked - almost like an addict, it had to come from me. I still remember my "road to Damascus" moment - I was talking to some lawyer friends and one said how lucky she'd been because she'd been able to go home early the previous day. It turns out she'd gone home at 8pm (ie "early") on a Wednesday but she'd been in office since Monday morning....i suddenly thought, this isn't right, this ISN'T normal, however much we're brain washed during training to think it is.

Clients are gits and do expect you to be available at the drop of a hat - especially those on vile time differences.

cantsleepwontsleep he's the night manager in a supermarket.

I should add that I have a couple of friends still in the City who have made it work for them, they don't work the horrendous hours ALL the time and managed to find some sort of balance.... not sure how they managed it - wish I had

Gosh, floaty, this brings it all back!

I used to work in investment banking on the advisory side so had a life pretty akin to your DH's. I would disagree with Gloria though - yes, there is an element of the buzz of working on high profile deals and people but the fact is, as you say, it's just expected of you. Everyone works til 9 at least, is in every weekend, pulls all-nighters as needed, cancels holidays and travels anywhere at the client (or MD's) beck and call. Even when you're out, you're expected to check voicemails regularly and respond to e-mails as though you're in the office. There's simply no other option. You can no more say "no" than you just not go into work one morning. Even worse, no-one actually gives a shit that your life is an utter shambles cos all their lives are.

But hey, it always seemed to me to be pretty bloody straightforward. You have no life = they pay you a lot. If you want the money, you do it. If you don't want the money, you don't. Your choice, so don't whinge about having no life if you're taking their money.

For me, it was pretty simple. DW always hated my job (a particular high point being when I spend the week before my wedding overseas on a deal). She always said there was no way we'd have kids while I had that sort of job - I agreed, left IB and moved to a much smaller firm with less money but better hours. At the risk of being overly simplistic. That's it. If you don't like, tell him to give it up. Give up the financial security, early retirement, private schools and nice holidays and enjoy time as a family. If you like those, on the other hand, just accept that's what he's got to do.

Well I don';t have a sick husband but I have some of these conflicts, closing deals, business travel abroad whilst making arrangements for child care for 5 children (okay 3 are students so don't count....)

I was thinking about this today - how much fun I had in this last deal thing we signed this week. It is more of a pleasure than domestic concerns actually. Obviously most of us want all - a nice sexual relationship, good relationships with children and fascinating work but for some work is a pleasure itself.

i find it easier since I work for myself - such a direct correlation between work and money. The main question is do you feel the money is worth it and the pleasure he gets from his work? Or is it not relaly enough money - could you for example go out 3 nights a week having hired a baby sitter to do courses or out with friends or you jet abroad to France with girl friends this weekend whilst he's in Singapore or working so you get the kind of financial benefits of the life. I suppose a lot of women like you in that position would take a lover and who would blame them? You are in effect a golf widow or the work equivalent. I won't suggest that you go back to work and work as he does to solve the problme which I suppose would be my own personal solution.

one issue is does he want to spend time with you? I know at the end of my long unhappy marriage I just didn't want even if there were spare time to spend it with my ex. There woud be about 100 other things I'd rather do not juts work.

Classic golden handcuffs really

He is on teh hamster wheel - he earns so he spends so he has to earn

You could do something about it - you could move, downsize, put dcs in state school etc.
Do you work? You could get a job to contribute if not.

DH works for a city law firm in litigation. For years he was on the ooh you will be a partner soon treadmill

Until he realised that he didn't want it. So he told them. Now he does NO marketing in the evenings, no extra-curricular stuff if he doesn't want to. (he picks the good stuff of course though!)

He does a lot more interesting non-chargeable work like giving talks and writing legal articles for the Lawyer etc.

He doesn't feel compelled to work late now. Occasionally he does if he is very busy. He leaves his blackberry at work.

We are fortunate in that I also work and earn the same as him so he is not under financial pressure. We have not over-extended ourselves mortgage-wise and we only have one child atm who is at state primary.

I appreciate that he is already a partner but he could if he wanted move to another firm and not be surely?

(and OMG you should see how much happier he is!)

A woman I know (doesnt work, kids are at school) says she finds it very hard not working and that everyday she is expecting to get a phone call from her husbands work that he has had a heart attack due to the long hours and travelling etc that he does. However, she also admits they have a lifestyle now which they couldnt give up as they are used to it. On the one hand she admires what we have done but admits it's not for them.
Personally I'd rather have a husband around and not many material things. But I can understand the pull of material things and also the buzz of working in a high paid, high powered job.

I just love my dh and want to have a life with him

Not to sit around in a mansion getting my nails done

Seriously a lot of men he works with don't see their dcs from mon to fri and they work weekends frequently

What sort of life is that?

When did having material things become worth that sort of sacrifice?

Also I think a lot of it is status/self-esteem driven.

People think that their work and earning power confers status and their self-esteem is tied up in that.

Wheras in fact if they could have good self-esteem without all that crud they would be a lot happier.

What does your dh think about it?
Is he happy with the status quo?