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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to hate my dh 's job and the effect it has on our family life

139 replies

floaty · 10/04/2008 20:08

This probably isn't the right place to post but I just need to let off steam.Dh works very long hours and I am fed up of evening after evening on my own,I know lots of people have it worse but sometimes I just think it would be nice to have an evening at home or be able to have people over at the weekend but I never know if he is going to be able to be there.The last time we went out for supper (to very close friends)he spent most of the evening in the hall on his blackberry trying to close deal.I know he hates this too so I feel that I can't moan to him, clients just expect this level of service from him ,they want everything yesterday but I HATE what it is doing to him,our family and our relationship,he is so tired all the time and seems unable to switch off truly,even when on the face of it on holiday he is still fretting at the back of his mind about work.

The irony is that he moved jobs 5 years ago to be closer to home and improve his work life balalnce etc but its as bad as ever now and he is just about to head up new office in a city 40 miles ago where he was originally working and where we were supposed to be escaping from the commute to so we are back to square one.I had increased my hours but have just handed in notice,thankfully they have offered me an alternative for only 21 hours a week which is great as I love working there but the hours were impossible with him not around.

I know he loves us but is it so unreasonable just to want a weekend when he doesn't go to work or to feel that work could occiasionally fit around us and not the other way around.Sometimes I feel so lonely being on my own every evening with the children and if I have to cook one more meal at 10pm I will scream (if I don't he just gets takeaways which were making him really feel ill)Sometimes I wonder if we will ever see our old age together he seems to be aging in front of me and I love him so much and can't bear the thought of something happening to him ,but he juat says thats life.

Sorry for the rant but just needed to get it out.

PS he has just rung to say he probably won't be home tonight that hes got to work all weekend and will be flying to Singapore next week for a week....Oh joy

OP posts:
Prufrock · 10/04/2008 20:49

If you hadn't bulit that secod house in your garden you'd have been able to pay it off already CSWS . I spring cleaned ours this week and we've been eating lunch out there.

Spink · 10/04/2008 20:51

I'm just joining to say me too, slightly different situation, dh is an actor, which means that we don't know what he'll be doing from one job to the next. And when he does get a job, he is away so much. He was due to be away for 3 weeks, which ds's due date was slap bang in the middle of. Luckily ds was 2 weeks early, so he was there for the birth but left when our lo was 3 days old..
Even if he gets a job within commuting distance, he works evenings and weekends so we never see eachother. The bonus is that at least dh gets to spend time with ds during the day while he's on the commuting jobs... But the money is really sporadic, I have just had to go back to work 4 days a week instead of 3 because his earnings aren't reliable enough for us. He has a really good few months and then might not work again for several.. but he loves it and can't think of anything else he would want to do.
ah. just needed to offload really, with people who I know would understand. Cheers.

CantSleepWontSleep · 10/04/2008 20:52

prufrock.

Original poster
floaty · 10/04/2008 20:53

I know but actually we do OK there as I get a discount for two of them adn we have considered taking the youngest out but the older is starting GCSE and the middle has special needs and is finally making progess in a specialist prep so we can't move him anyway suggesting this would not endear me to dh I might be happy with that but he wouldn't so he would probably be even unhappier.

I think oine of the problems is the way everybody now thinks its their right to get something done yesterday nd for nothing,some of his clients think nothing of ringing him at 10pm and demanding something is ready by the morning,one threw a tantrum because he wouldn't leave me in labour!Everyone seems to have lost their sense of perspective on life

OP posts:
cushioncover · 10/04/2008 20:55

CS, sorry to hear about what you are going through. Hope you're doing ok.

No chance of an exit strategy for us. We have a stupidly high mortgage and will soon have two kids in private ed. Our choice, of course but still.

scanner · 10/04/2008 20:56

I'm in exactly the same position. DH has always worked long hours, but he's in a new company now and it's got a whole lot worse. He gets home in time to see this children once a fortnight I think. He doesn't often go to work at the weekend, but usually has work to do at home, but because he doesn't want to take time away from us does it at night. So he often doesn't get to bed before 3am.

I know he'd rather be here, but at the same time he loves his job and since the move to the new company has the title and position he's wanted/deserved for a while.

However I am fed up with feeling lonely.

Original poster
floaty · 10/04/2008 20:56

OH squirrell so sorry to hear your news ,hope you are doing OK in the circumstances.

Spink thats it really isn't it I know I can't change things but sometimes you just need to let off steam with people you know are in the same boat

OP posts:
MuffinMclay · 10/04/2008 21:00

Guessed from the OP that he would be a lawyer - sounds just like my dh.

hercules1 · 10/04/2008 21:03

DH was on good money and barely saw the kids. We made a difficult decision and he has taken a career break for a couple of years. We are broke. I am working long hours to support us. We havec made huge changes to our life. He is never going back to that and is still deciding what to do at 38.

Best decision we ever made. Our family quality time together is worth far more than the money imo.

ChasingSquirrels · 10/04/2008 21:03

oh shit, didn't mean to hijack in that way - sorry!

It is a choice thing, but that doesn't mean that once in a while you don't want to moan about that choice. Personally it wouldn't have been (and wasn't) my choice, but I accepted that it was H's choice and I was prepared to support it.

Given that it is a choice that you seem prepared to accept, then the odd moan on MN to people who will understand is probably a useful outlet!

QuintessentialShadows · 10/04/2008 21:04

I think people as they grow older get more and more hang up in status and posessions. You spend your life acummulating, private schools cost a lot, holidays and owning a home too. At the end you are so trapped in your own luxuries, you simply cannot see a life with less. It is only natural. You NEED everything you have in your life, yet, time is the only thing you dont have, and it cant be bought. Only sold.

hercules1 · 10/04/2008 21:06

Oh I agree about the choice thing. Sometimes I fantasise about what we could be doing with the money if dh was still workign as well as me. But our choice was different. I know lots of people who work long hours and dont want to make the choice although admire what we did.
Not sure ds (12) agrees though!

CantSleepWontSleep · 10/04/2008 21:07

Very profound and very true QS.

BreeVanDerCampLGJ · 10/04/2008 21:10

Prufrock

In DH's industry it is a geeks way of saying he is good at what he does, I hope I did not imply he was lunch time boozer.

LaidbackinEngland · 10/04/2008 21:14

Same as hercules. Three years ago DH and I stopped working full time in well paid but very stressful careers - went to live abroad for a year to regroup and get to know our kids better !

Came back and now we both work 2 days a week and have a day off together. The 3 kids are looked after at home by us and are happy secure and know us both well. They are not in private school but doing well.

We live in a quirky town in Devon that is not fashionable but is cheaper than where we used to live. We have had to totally reappraise what we need (not much) and really enjoy our family life. We are fortunate to have jobs where we can earn an OK salary and still progress whilst working part time - but have had to 'look at life backwards', thinking about what we might regret and not regret as old people. Life is too short to make work everything.

hercules1 · 10/04/2008 21:16

We have looked into moving to Devon (grew up there) [envy) Will deffo do one day when kids are older. They are settled here school wise now.

QuintessentialShadows · 10/04/2008 21:19

I had an extremely well paid career job. I was also working till between 9 and 11 pm each evening, and it was ok as we did not have children then. We had fantastic holidays, a fantastic flat in Kensington, my salary supported us and it let my dh chuck in his job and start his own company (which I co-own and co-run with him). As soon as that started making money, I left my career and joined our business full time. We have flexible hours, yet we work our proverbial bottoms off. But at the same time, we dont work weekends. I work part time from home. My husband join me and the kids for dinner around 5 pm, then he works a few hours after they have gone to bed. We dont earn a lot, in fact tax credits are vital for us (or they were till we left the country) But, we have time together as a family, and our sons see their father a lot. It is worth so much more. In my case, I have had the dream job, I have put all such career plans behind me, and will not ever go back to do such hours again, and compromise health and family life. It just isnt worth it.

evenhope · 10/04/2008 21:20

We are in a similar situation except that my DH isn't in a high-paying job so we get all the downside and none of the benefits

He works every weekend and goes in early on a Sunday so I'm on my own with the baby for hours on end.

cushioncover · 10/04/2008 21:26

Hercules & LBIE, I admire what you have done but if I'm really honest with myself I'm kind of use to having the money.

I'm ashamed to say this but...I like my house in the good area, I like my car, spending money without too much worry and being able to work p/t.

So I guess I'm being a bit of a fraud to be on here lamenting the fact that he works so hard. I do wish we had more family time and that we had more time as a couple. We both do. It's just a trade-off I guess.
Excuse my ramble.

pedilia · 10/04/2008 21:28

It is quite interesting reading this from the other side, when I was working I worked long hours and was often on the phone/laptop in the evenings and DH did complain that even when I was at home I wasn't really there.

Now it is the other way round, we have just set up our own business and DH works very lomng hours and is often away.

Some days it gets to me especially as I am 7 months PG with three Dc's.

hercules1 · 10/04/2008 21:29

Dont have to apologise. We all make different choices and have different priorities

Saveme · 10/04/2008 21:37

pedilia are you having triplets?

CantSleepWontSleep · 10/04/2008 21:37

Cushioncover - that's the point exactly. All of us who are in this situation are the same - we like the standard of living, but don't like the strain that it puts on family time. We just have to make what we believe to be the best choice for us at the time.

evenhope - what does your dh do then?

Original poster
floaty · 10/04/2008 21:38

One of the things is that 30 years ago things were more reasonable ,my dad worked hard but not like this but we also had a nice house ,holidays etc and mum didn't work and most of all even when I statred out people had more time for each other the pressure has got way out of hand .Why should my dh have to put up with this just to earn decent money ,and as I said before its not big bucks just comfortable.We worked hard at school to get good qualifications to have a good life but my ds1 (14) looks at his Dad and says if thats what working hard at school gets me then count me out and honestly I don't know how to repsond because he has a point.

OP posts:
CantSleepWontSleep · 10/04/2008 21:40

Kids can be so perceptive at times floaty!