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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to hate my dh 's job and the effect it has on our family life

139 replies

floaty · 10/04/2008 20:08

This probably isn't the right place to post but I just need to let off steam.Dh works very long hours and I am fed up of evening after evening on my own,I know lots of people have it worse but sometimes I just think it would be nice to have an evening at home or be able to have people over at the weekend but I never know if he is going to be able to be there.The last time we went out for supper (to very close friends)he spent most of the evening in the hall on his blackberry trying to close deal.I know he hates this too so I feel that I can't moan to him, clients just expect this level of service from him ,they want everything yesterday but I HATE what it is doing to him,our family and our relationship,he is so tired all the time and seems unable to switch off truly,even when on the face of it on holiday he is still fretting at the back of his mind about work.

The irony is that he moved jobs 5 years ago to be closer to home and improve his work life balalnce etc but its as bad as ever now and he is just about to head up new office in a city 40 miles ago where he was originally working and where we were supposed to be escaping from the commute to so we are back to square one.I had increased my hours but have just handed in notice,thankfully they have offered me an alternative for only 21 hours a week which is great as I love working there but the hours were impossible with him not around.

I know he loves us but is it so unreasonable just to want a weekend when he doesn't go to work or to feel that work could occiasionally fit around us and not the other way around.Sometimes I feel so lonely being on my own every evening with the children and if I have to cook one more meal at 10pm I will scream (if I don't he just gets takeaways which were making him really feel ill)Sometimes I wonder if we will ever see our old age together he seems to be aging in front of me and I love him so much and can't bear the thought of something happening to him ,but he juat says thats life.

Sorry for the rant but just needed to get it out.

PS he has just rung to say he probably won't be home tonight that hes got to work all weekend and will be flying to Singapore next week for a week....Oh joy

OP posts:
Judy1234 · 13/04/2008 07:26

Yes, some jobs are just like that. It's a bit like marrying someone in the army which I would never do as I couldn't stand to be apart from someone for regular long periods. You know the deal when you marry them.

(lilo, yes, I know and plenty of couples love each other and work out compromises that suit them , which is great. I suppose it's a bit like with my father's psychiatric patients he just saw the bad side of life and with me divorced myself and hearing so many stories of things men and women do to each other and of course all these thread on mumsnet complaining about men, that that side can come out. I can't understand women who want that service role at home but I know many are happy in it as are the 250,000 UK househusbands for that matter).

Elas, agree. Some housewives give nothing, don't even give much sex and I have known some men who get home at 6 have the baby dumped in their arms and they do most of teh housework and then find on divorce because they worked and their wife didn't even though the man did all the domestic chores out of working hours and had the children all day every weekend and evening that is still counted as woman at home who "gets" the children even though they were left in the gym creche every day etc. Anyway it's deadly dull being at home and I think working mothers who are finding having a small baby and work hard should speak to a few women who gave up work and regretted it - they do exist.

Having a small child and in our case 3 under 4 and then later the twins is very very hard work whether you work or don't. It is the hardest stage of your life. Getting used to the first baby is the biggest adjustment most of us make in our lives and it's going to be very hard as men or women to get used to that so I think you just have to get on with each day and gradually the children get easier routines develop and things are fine.

bubblagirl · 13/04/2008 07:57

I understand how you feel my dp works long hours and away at times barely at home with me and ds i do have times i get so upset with doing all alone but realise I.m second best in my mind not his he is working for us he doesn't enjoy it we never have enough money at moment so frustrating as working for nothing but i try to get him to have one day for special time a week

Meandmyjoe · 13/04/2008 09:24

Oh God, I could have written this thread! Feel exactly the same. I am so bored and fed up of being on my ow with a baby who cries most of the time. I obviously don't think you are being unreasonable!

Pillow · 13/04/2008 09:28

Sorry Can'tSleep, my post was a sweeping generalisation and I should not post at the end of long and stressy days. Am just watching a guy at work as busy as me come under tremendous home pressure as well as the job pressure we have and I feel awful for him. But I was wrong to translate that here and I do apologise.

Janni · 13/04/2008 13:59

Pillow - apology acknowledged, but I also wanted to say that just because we're posting our frustrations on here, doesn't meant we're giving our DHs an earful when they get home late each night. This sort of thread is a safety valve, where we can help each other so that we DON'T explode with frustration. I also take issue with your assertion that we signed up for this - I, for one, met my DH when he was
a second year university student, not a city lawyer

Judy1234 · 13/04/2008 14:17

Yes, people and their lives and ambitions change and one of the hardest challenges in a life long marriage is coping with when the other person changes, the male or female mid life crisis, the partner who wants to stop all work, the one who converts to Islam or the ex hippy student who wants to work 24/7 because work is such fun.

If there is so little left for some that that quantum of solace in the marriage is zero which hopefully for everyone on the thread except me will never happen then you leave but there are lots of things that can be done without that. Some people move abroad and buy a vineyard rather than divorce or whatever the solution might be. I don't think there are right amounts of times couples should spend together which makes the marriage right or following the rules and plenty of couples live apart in the week but I do think there is a minimum level of contact which keeps things going and if you get below it then you risk your marriage. What the level will be will also depend on the personality of the other partner. Plenty of women become independent, pursue their own friends and lives and indeed their husbands find that hard when they're retired off early at 50+ and find their wife doesn't actually want to spend 24/7 seeing to their needs at home because she had to develop her own independent life without him over all those years. Others both work really hard and only really come together at weekends but obviously whenever one side is unhappy then that needs to be dealt with.

frankiesbestfriend · 13/04/2008 15:08

I agree with Elasticwoman.
Of course both partners should contribute equally to a relationship, but not always in the same ways.
Just because only one partner is contributing financially does not mean the relationship is inequal.
A bit like one person going for a run, another doing an aerobics class, but both doing an equal amount of excercise IYSWIM.

Elasticwoman · 13/04/2008 15:16

In my experience of mixing with other parents, there are very, very few SAHMs who don't do the best job they can of running the home, looking after the husband and children. They vast majority of SAHMs are oiling the wheels of family life, not bunking off from motherhood at every opportunity.

Judy1234 · 13/04/2008 15:55

I don't think you can generalise. Some are complete slobs and don't do any cleaning. And some working mothers spend all their salary on shoes etc and expect their husbands to keep them. But it is very probably that I only hear the post divorce side of these things from people I know and those whose marriages work and they both work hard are more likely to stay married. Mots people round here who don't work have an au pair, gardener, cleaner etc although I accept most of them do organise and run all that which I suppose is work of sorts.

Original poster
floaty · 13/04/2008 20:00

Haven't had time to read all these replies yet but will do,have had manic weekend with dc but would just like to point out that as detailed in OP I do work in fact I have what some people would regard as a pretty successful career myself as head of finance for a top 200 charity however someone has to run hhousehold as well so as answer to pillow I wish I didn't have someone moaning about state of ironong etc or that I didn't have tpo fo to concerts
,parents evening etc and also answer blackberry etc but I do.In houses where both partbners work this is what happens!

OP posts:
Original poster
floaty · 13/04/2008 20:06

Sorrt pillow didn't mean to single you out ,can see you have had bad day!!

Janni like you I met dh when we were both at Uni life has just turned out this way and somehow its not exactely what I expected although I'm not sure what I did expect.

Xenia whilst I am sure that you are right and you can't generalise I do also think that you have quite and urban perspective ,there are lots of times when I agree with you about work but as I said in my original post me having a full on career has just been incompatable wwith dh working the hours he does,I suspect had we been living in a City this may not have been the case ,for one there might have been more childcare avaliable a dn a better variety.

OP posts:
Judy1234 · 13/04/2008 22:03

Yes, probably is more childcare available in Cities. I advertised a few years ago for someone on Saturday mornings and we got over 60 calls.

If you both work at least you're not just stuck at home waiting for him to come home so you have some other distractions like your own work I suppose.

Elasticwoman · 13/04/2008 22:14

Xenia says "I do not think you can generalise", and then goes on to do just that.

Pollyanna · 14/04/2008 09:43

floaty, nothing to add to anyone else, but to say I am in the same position as you,albeit 5 years behind (also met my dh at uni!). dh moved out of the City last year (also a lawyer) for a supposedly better life, and instead is married to his blackberry. I spend every evening alone as he is either working (at home usually) or marketing. He gave up a much larger salary, and part of me thinks that he should have kept that as none of the benefits of moving out of London have materialised (extra time with family etc).

my dh argues that the hours are what are expected of him - and it appears from all the input to this thread that this is right - at least while our dh's don't challenge it maybe?

Judy1234 · 14/04/2008 11:00

yes, plenty of people move to shorter hours out of London and find they have all the down sides and none of the money so it's actually much worse! A classic example is people who give up a city job to run a pub or guest house and then end up working 7 days a week in low grade dull housework type job at a 10th of the pay. Look before you leap and that applies to women giving up work too.

anniemac · 14/04/2008 11:36

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CountessDracula · 14/04/2008 15:23

Not a director but an associate or something, that is what he is

I really think having known quite a few city law partners in my time that once you get there the struggle is just beginning! Honestly, I just cannot see what would make someone do it unless they were a workaholic with no family life, heavily in debt or detainable!

Between us we earn more than he would as a partner for ages and it is plenty and we have a life

anniemac · 14/04/2008 15:31

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CountessDracula · 14/04/2008 15:38

Yes it took him a long time to pluck up the courage to do it

In fact the way he went about it was to demonstrably NOT do what he was told he had to do to be a partner. Obv he still worked hard and did his job etc.

Then after a few reviews where he hadn't done it (and there was bog all they could do as he still did a very good job) he said something like "look, cards on the table, I don't have the time or the inclination to do what you want me to do to become a partner. I have a family and a life outside of work. I love the firm and am totally comitted to my job as it is but I don't think partnership is for me"

They were very supportive of him - he now works one day a week from home, he doesn't ahve to do any marketing unless he wants to, he feels he is off the hamster wheel and in control of his life.

CountessDracula · 14/04/2008 15:41

oh and he was blinkin miserable before

Felt he was forced to work towards something he didn't want.
Felt like he was a pawn

anniemac · 14/04/2008 15:44

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CountessDracula · 14/04/2008 15:49

good

FWIW they have recetnly set up some kind of senior assistants group and the main topic of convo was that most of them didn't wnat partnership but felt they couldn't say it.

Oblomov · 14/04/2008 16:37

Floaty was not able to respond to most of the posts. I am a bit at a loss, as to quite what it is that she wants/how she envisages the situation changing.
I do not have the lifestyle that most of the posters on here have. I am more akin to Countess. My dh has a decent job and we live a good life. I do not crave the kind of life that a very high pressured lawyer job in the city entails.
But I am wondering what Floaty is going to do ? How are things going to change ?

Janni · 14/04/2008 16:47

Well this is an AIBU thread, so 'change' and 'answers' are not necessarily required. It's a good space to let off steam and hear from others in a similar situation. I'm sure Floaty will get something out of this thread even if nothing changes immediately.

Fridayfeeling · 14/04/2008 16:48

I would like to pick up on something said earlier......by a feminist ....."Some housewives give nothing, don't even give much sex"

At what level is that feminist - is sex a transaction that you 'give' in return for something?

It kind of ties into the equation that it is immoral for women not to work and support themselves that is being discussed. I guess if you have nothing to transact you are worth nothing, and worse if the only thing a woman has to 'give' is sex and she doesn't do even that - then let's shoot her !