to hate my dh 's job and the effect it has on our family life

[floaty]

This probably isn't the right place to post but I just need to let off steam.Dh works very long hours and I am fed up of evening after evening on my own,I know lots of people have it worse but sometimes I just think it would be nice to have an evening at home or be able to have people over at the weekend but I never know if he is going to be able to be there.The last time we went out for supper (to very close friends)he spent most of the evening in the hall on his blackberry trying to close deal.I know he hates this too so I feel that I can't moan to him, clients just expect this level of service from him ,they want everything yesterday but I HATE what it is doing to him,our family and our relationship,he is so tired all the time and seems unable to switch off truly,even when on the face of it on holiday he is still fretting at the back of his mind about work.

The irony is that he moved jobs 5 years ago to be closer to home and improve his work life balalnce etc but its as bad as ever now and he is just about to head up new office in a city 40 miles ago where he was originally working and where we were supposed to be escaping from the commute to so we are back to square one.I had increased my hours but have just handed in notice,thankfully they have offered me an alternative for only 21 hours a week which is great as I love working there but the hours were impossible with him not around.

I know he loves us but is it so unreasonable just to want a weekend when he doesn't go to work or to feel that work could occiasionally fit around us and not the other way around.Sometimes I feel so lonely being on my own every evening with the children and if I have to cook one more meal at 10pm I will scream (if I don't he just gets takeaways which were making him really feel ill)Sometimes I wonder if we will ever see our old age together he seems to be aging in front of me and I love him so much and can't bear the thought of something happening to him ,but he juat says thats life.

Sorry for the rant but just needed to get it out.

PS he has just rung to say he probably won't be home tonight that hes got to work all weekend and will be flying to Singapore next week for a week....Oh joy

I appreciate that Janni. I didn't mena it flippantly. But she finds herself in an unhappy situation. And that is not good. Minor change, or dramatic change, or something is required here - if only a change of her acceptance/perspective, is surely needed ?

(Hopefully both partners in all relationships give things to each other including sex, money, companionship etc - but if one is a home, not earning anything, in a marriage where one partner pays for a nanny, cleaner, gardener and the one at home does very little except perhaps chat nicely to their partner and isn't even much good in bed then I'm not sure that's a very good deal for the hard worker, that's all I was saying)

Oddly, considering you have previously referred to them as 'glorified prostitutes', you seem to like disparaging SAHMs as inadequate sexual partners Xenia.

Xenia - really, what planet are you on? How many SAHMS do you think there are sitting around while the staff does everything? I don't know any.

You are not the first to raise the planetary question to Xenia but she's never answered it.

OK have managed to read most of the reponses,I usually kill off a thread so am quite amazed at how many people have posted and Janni is right about answers not necessarily being required but oblamov is also right;what do I want to change.

I suppose most of what I want to change is more to do with the wider world in which we exist,I want dh to be able to work hard at an interesting job and earn a decent living without having to kill himself in the process.Iwant the optimistic ,hard working idealist that I fell in love with at 19 to be able to fulfil the hopes and dreams that he had then and for us also to raise a healthy happy family who can be assets to that society in the future and for us to do that together and for it not to be a choice between having a family and being successful in his career am not talking flexi working and paternity leave but just a general respect for peoples family lives .

For what its worth because he is in a regional firm he does not earn big money,certainly not enough for us to contemplate early retirement (I think we will both be working until we drop)we live in nice but fairly small house and we squeeze out the school fees .Dh would never agree to downsize because his previously financialy comfortable parents went bust in their late fifties and never recovered either emotionally or finacially and are now financialy dependent to some extent on us as well ,he is determined that our boys will never have to face this because of us .Yes we have the occaisional holidayabroad every couple of years not a couple of times a year and I belong to a gym but its hardly investment banker territory.

do you work Floaty?

yes CD , I do, see my original post and yestyerdays of 20.00

Sorry yesterday!didn't mean to sound terse but trying to eat rather delicios hill atation vanilla at the moment....must put it back in the freezer!Suppose that doesn't help my "not loaded" comments!!

I apologise again Floaty for my rubbish and knee-jerky post. I was at the end of one of the worst days of my working life - and I am a 6 yrs qualified lawyer so have had my share of bad days. I had met my sister for lunch with baby in tow and suddenly had an email from a client demanding a conference call on no notice. I had to stand in rain/hailstorm to do the call - for an hour and a half - and my little sister was getting a bit stressed herself looking after my baby- and then I had a big stress trying to get my baby home and looked after so I could get to work and make changes to the deal documents. I ended up losing my whole weekend as a result of that call. And I've only now just got home from another full day of it. So I think where I was trying to come from, although I put it really badly, was, please don't think DHs who work really hard love the long hours, maybe they see it as part of the job and are massively appreciative of you and all that you do to make life easier.

Pillow - that sounds really grim. Hope you have an easier week xx

Pillow - I wouldn't be in your shoes, and your post makes me so thankful I didn't work harder for my A levels!

Your life sounds like the prize for being too conscientious.

Hope things calm down for you soon.

I have a pupil whose father is a lawyer. He told me the other day he's been working crazy hours (till 3 am one night) and I know he is going through a divorce too. It's all to do with the fiscal changes going through which is making people sell shed loads of shares, creating too much strain for lawyers. Can't last for ever, can it?

If there were none of that work then we'd be drawing the dole so in some ways it's good when times are busy. They aren't likely to stay so in the current economic climate. Plenty of lawyers and their clients others will be losing jobs. Those as old as I am have seen it all before.

I am not sure what I would have done in the baby/sister situation. I doubt I would have felt it acceptable to leave them for 90 minutes. I've taken calls up mountains when skiing but usually as soon as you say where you are they keep it very brief. I've certainly taken the odd call with a baby on my breast but then they tend to stay silent. WE all balance things even if it's as a housewife balancing whether you deal with the men in the house who are doing house repairs, go to the gym or look into the baby's eyes all day. Even those without children are constantly having to balance their hobbies and personal life with work. It's just how people are and always have been.

If you are well paid and like the job (nad don't have an unfair deal at home or a sexist partner) of course it's all a whole lot easier.

Xenia, no one looks into the baby's eyes all day. You are talking rubbish.