To ask guest to leave for smoking in the bedroom?

[FgsMary]

A friend has been staying. She lives abroad but is over here on holiday for 3 weeks. Day 1, she smoked in the kitchen. I told her no smoking at all in the house. She pulled a face but from then on, smoked in the garden. I then became aware that she was sneakily smoking in the bedroom at night (blowing it out of window). She is a very tricky person anyway. Very aggressive, confrontational, awkward, selfish, bullying at the best of times but I'd bit my lip for a week and it had mainly been OK. I asked her if she'd been smoking in the bedroom. She said no but then later text me to say that she had and she was sorry. I told her she should find somewhere else to stay and she left that day. I feel dreadful though and I should probably have just said again not to smoke inside but not asked her to leave. She's now playing the victim and acting like I'm the bad guy. Was I out of order? I have said she's welcome to come back and I've seen her since but she's said no to coming back and she's sleeping on a relatives floor instead.

You’re getting a hard time here about being friends with her. I get it, old friendships are the ones you stick with people especially when you know the life that has made the person who they are. But it works both ways, don’t worry about kicking her out, sounds like a blip in a long relationship and an important stand for you to make. so she learns that there is only so far she can push it with you. Sounds like she already knows that with the other relative where she is now.
And now she knows how far she can push you too.

*THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

YANBU or in the slightest bit harsh. You have behaved in a very kind manner.

She has brought this all on herself, she has made her bed and she can lie in it.

I will never understand people who think that their individual wants trump their hosts house rules, and they cannot walk a few steps to leave the house and go smoke in the garden.

In the long run, you will have done her a huge favour, although I can appreciate at this moment in time it feels uncomfortable.

I'm sure all the family could chip in for a blow-up mattress and pump?

You said no smoking so she sparks up in the bedroom. How dare she disrespect your home and hospitality like that. Not only is it rude it’s also potentially very dangerous supposing she dropped the damn thing and it had caused a fire.

Wow, entitlement level of mother & brother are high. I doubt they are forgetting, they are selfish and making a point. Especially with you having a respiratory issue, honestly what is wrong with them. I wouldn't want them around much either.

I haven't read every reply so I don't know if anyone else has mentioned it, but apart from the respiratory issues and basic lack of respect many house fires are caused by smoking. You are certainly not unreasonable OP, and shouldn't feel guilty.

You'd told her once. Adults should not have to be told these things several times. It's your home. YANBU.

She's not a friend, you are not beholden to her. She sounds like a pain in the arse that you've had to put up with. Time to cut ties.

You asked her not to smoke In your house and she did anyway.. absolutely spot on kicking her out.

I think it's gross and completely reasonable to expect them to follow your house rules.
We had someone staying who smoked in their bedroom. It was also my dd's bedroom, so really made me see red. He hasn't returned. (Was very upset I made such a fuss and definitely created an atmosphere for the remainder of their stay.)

You did the right thing. She should have respected your boundaries but instead she thought that what she wanted to do in YOUR house was more important than your wishes…
I wouldn’t allow anybody to smoke in my house (or vape)…

"She is a very tricky person anyway. Very aggressive, confrontational, awkward, selfish, bullying at the best of times"

Why on Earth would you want to be friends with somebody like this?!

No she's not, and I say that as a smoker.

@FgsMary

Absolutely right [though it shows how difficult the "addiction" makes it]

I know it's hard for us to get a true understanding of the complexities of a relationship on MN, so appreciate a lot of replies are black and white.... why is she a friend? Dump her.

However, she trampled your boundaries and has no respect for your property so you were well within your rights to ask her to leave. She's now staying with her parents, albeit not in the most comfortable place, so is safe. You say she won't learn from this and respect people from now on, that's not your problem - so perhaps her parents should try educate her.

Don't feel guilty, and don't have her back!

I mean, that should tell you all about her lack of respect for you.

“She is a very tricky person anyway. Very aggressive, confrontational, awkward, selfish, bullying at the best of times”

Don’t give it another thought op! She got what was coming to her by the sound of it!

There are enough reasons there ^ without adding to the list!

Are you beholden to her in some way through familial ties? It worries me that you were “determined to button your lip” when someone is a bully and is aggressive and causes you to walk around on eggshells?

She sounds like the very opposite of a friend. Proper friends don’t behave this way! You were being kind by offering her hospitality. But she is not being kind or respectful in return.

Ask yourself are you so keen to appease her? Why are you second guessing yourself? Why do you want to continue the friendship?

@FgsMary I used to smoke rollups many years ago, and I too used to have a night time rollup leaning out of the window of my friend's house.

She asked that I don't do it, as the smell can blow back in.

What I used to do after that was take a walk up the lane- in the cold and the rain sometimes, at midnight.

Her lovely husband said ''I don't even allow my own mum to smoke in the house or out of windows''..

Now, as a many years non smoker, I absolutely understand how smelly tobacco is.
You absolutely are not unreasonable.

Your friend is undoubtedly ''addicted'' to nicotine , but there is nicotine gum that helps!

She doesn't need to be stinking out people's houses.

Why are you friends with an aggressive person?!

Please don't feel guilt tripped.

IF your friend quits smoking she will realise what a stinky habit it is.

YANBU.

Yanbu and I'm saying that as a smoker. If you are staying in someone's home you follow their rules end off.

Yanbu! And il go as far as to say she's NOT your friend. I can't imagine a friend being so kind to let me stay over, and doing the one thing they had specifically asked me not to do! She's a cheeky cow. All of my family are smokers and I'm constantly met with eye rolls asking them to smoke outside, with the door closed. I struggle to put up with it and would definitely not be putting up with it from a CF friend staying over for free. Do you even benefit from this friendship or is it all one sided?

YNBU. You explicitly told her not to smoke indoors. I’m a smoker and would never smoke in anybody else’s house. Even when they say it’s okay I still go outside. I don’t smoke in my own home so wouldn’t in anyone else’s.

Came to say exactly the same!

She hasn’t respected your very basic rule, there is no way I’d tolerate anyone smoking in my house, it’s disgusting, it stinks and lasts forever, it’s really difficult to get rid of the smell. You’ve done nothing wrong, she has. You shouldn’t have to ‘button your lip’ when someone does this. It’s way over a boundary. She’s cut her nose off to spite her face refusing to return because you told her no smoking. Who smokes upstairs?!

Really? Wow.

She was told the house rules, acted like a petulant child and disobeyed them anyway. Do you want the OP to be a complete doormat all her life?

OP, it doesn't sound like the friendship dynamics are all that great anyway so you are best leaving her on a relative's floor.

Janedoe82 · Today 09:45
You were a bit harsh.

Completely disagree. The woman was told clearly no smoking and she ignored it and lied. Awful behaviour.

It takes a long time for the stink to dissipate. I’d have been really angry.