To ask guest to leave for smoking in the bedroom?

[FgsMary]

A friend has been staying. She lives abroad but is over here on holiday for 3 weeks. Day 1, she smoked in the kitchen. I told her no smoking at all in the house. She pulled a face but from then on, smoked in the garden. I then became aware that she was sneakily smoking in the bedroom at night (blowing it out of window). She is a very tricky person anyway. Very aggressive, confrontational, awkward, selfish, bullying at the best of times but I'd bit my lip for a week and it had mainly been OK. I asked her if she'd been smoking in the bedroom. She said no but then later text me to say that she had and she was sorry. I told her she should find somewhere else to stay and she left that day. I feel dreadful though and I should probably have just said again not to smoke inside but not asked her to leave. She's now playing the victim and acting like I'm the bad guy. Was I out of order? I have said she's welcome to come back and I've seen her since but she's said no to coming back and she's sleeping on a relatives floor instead.

I’d have chucked her out and sent her a bill for deep cleaning the bedroom,

This:

This is exactly what she’s relying on! I speak from experience. When I finally dropped someone like this from my life I felt free. Then I felt stupid for taking so long to do it.

Good for you, I would go mental if anyone smoked in the house. The smell is repulsive - I had a piece of furniture in the house for one day once, which I hadn't realised was from a smoking house, and I had to get rid of it. The room it was in reeked of smoke for weeks.

There's nothing to drop. I don't see her. She lives on the other side of the world. She's only visited once in 10 years. We talk occasionally on the phone, thats all. Her family don't blame me for one second for asking her to leave but it has caused a load of upset and disappointment and even more stress.

She is a very tricky person anyway. Very aggressive, confrontational, awkward, selfish, bullying at the best of times

And yet you’re surprised?

I will never understand the swathes of people on here who seem to be friends with people who are downright awful to them.

She has now flown abroad for the weekend to stay with a friend who, "accepts her for who she is" and makes her feel welcome, unlike all of us apparently.

Think carefully what to reply.

Well. thank God for that!

She sounds an absolute brat!

Absolutely

My Nan and Grandad smoked when Mum and DA and DU were growing up
Indoors they smoked as was the thing in the 50s and 60s
Anyway, poor DM shared a room with her sister, and her sister would smoke under the blankets!! Used to scare the life out of DM that a fire would begin,
DA was underage so Mum told their parents who put an instant stop to that
Very dangerous

No smoking in the house is not difficult to understand. You're well rid, she's rude and disrespectful and thoroughly deserved a foot squarely in the middle of her arse.

Sounds like a win for everyone, then!

Unpack your bags, OP, there's no reason for the guilt trip.

You are right, you told her no, she lied to you and disrespected you and your property.

Don’t let her back in, let her sleep wherever she is and she can smoke all she likes there.

Yanbu. I'd have given her a list of hotels and show her the door on day 1. No smoking even in my garden. Yuk. My husband is asthmatic and any smoke could really make him unwell. Luckily I don't know anyone who smokes....

Nothing to drop? You felt obliged to put her up for three weeks! She treated you like crap while she was there, and now YOU feel guilty for it! Of course there’s something to drop - any sense of obligation to this woman!

Reply to what?

See? Shifting the blame onto others when it’s all her fault. People like this always move from one enabler to another. That’s the only reason they’re sometimes ‘nice’ - so they can retain a group of people to use. The only people I feel sorry for are her parents. She’s the architect of her own misfortune.

I think you've been more than kind and helpful to this person and their family. Especially with all the updates you've given about her and her history.
Being a people pleaser will result in people walking all over you and taking advantage. I found that out the hard way. I'd be setting hard boundaries so that you don't get walked all over in the future, and put yourself first.

The smell of smoke anywhere is revolting never mind in your house. YANBU. I would have warned her a couple of times then if it continued I would have asked her to find somewhere else to stay. Smoking outside of bars etc is also revolting. You literally have to go inside for fresh air 🤢

She's now playing the victim and acting like I'm the bad guy.

Well, she would say that, wouldn't she. I would not invite smokers to stay and would expect anyone who mistakenly smoked in my house to stop immediately and abide by my no smoking rule.

Your guest did not. I would have no hesitation in asking her to leave. I may not have explained why, to avoid any argument and just say circumstances have changed and that you were no longer able to host and ask her whether she wanted a cup of tea before leaving.

So glad you didn't let it run on.

This. Why are you friends? You don't seem to like her

How so?
she said no smoking? Visitor smoked? She asked them to leave for breaking the rules they agreed to.

You were right to ask her to leave. I would have sent her off the first time! I don't even let anyone smoke in the garden, they have to leave the property completely. I have this rule with all who come here, tradesmen etc included. I make it clear at the start, and I'm nice about it. I also make very good coffee, and give them cake!

My DH is a smoker and I am an ex moderate to heavy smoker, good for you for having boundaries! My DH (and I previously) wouldn't dream of smoking inside peoples houses and even before we had kids, we smoked in our garden. She sounds extremely self-centred.