To ask guest to leave for smoking in the bedroom?

[FgsMary]

A friend has been staying. She lives abroad but is over here on holiday for 3 weeks. Day 1, she smoked in the kitchen. I told her no smoking at all in the house. She pulled a face but from then on, smoked in the garden. I then became aware that she was sneakily smoking in the bedroom at night (blowing it out of window). She is a very tricky person anyway. Very aggressive, confrontational, awkward, selfish, bullying at the best of times but I'd bit my lip for a week and it had mainly been OK. I asked her if she'd been smoking in the bedroom. She said no but then later text me to say that she had and she was sorry. I told her she should find somewhere else to stay and she left that day. I feel dreadful though and I should probably have just said again not to smoke inside but not asked her to leave. She's now playing the victim and acting like I'm the bad guy. Was I out of order? I have said she's welcome to come back and I've seen her since but she's said no to coming back and she's sleeping on a relatives floor instead.

You were right It wasn't just the smoking, it was the disregard for your feelings on the matter after you had already told her you didn't want smoking in your house. Considering most people don't want that and that you can't smoke inside any indoors public space then it should have been obvious to her that her actions were unacceptable.

And breathtakingly arrogant, entitled, ignorant, disrespectful, a liar, and an all round shit non-friend .

Why should you have "buttoned your lip"? That's how these awful people get away with awful behaviour

Sadly, they know all too well and were expecting the worse but hoping for the best.

Not the bad guy. You made it clear that you are smoke free house and she didn't respect that. I would have asked her to leave too.

Well you tried your best, so you shouldn't feel guilty for anything.

I knew someone like this, unfortunately they died young, but when alive made everyone's life difficult including their own.

You can't help them, they can't help themselves, it's lose/lose.

Maybe you could take one of the parents house guests as a swap so the friend isn't on the floor. You might find the other houseguest is glad to get away from the tornado of shit.

You chucked her out. That was ballsy. Well done!

No, don't let her guilt-trip you. You have every right to boundaries in your own home (well, and at all, really); I reckon it's because you don't normally do it with her that it feels so weird. I had a friend like this once, and I was much the same. Realised I'd been letting her walk all over me and setting firm boundaries eventually salvaged and transfomed the whole friendship, though there were some mighty tantrums at first. Your "friend" is behaving like a selfish, immature teenager and is used to getting her own way with you, it seems. Stand firm; you'll gradually start getting more comfortable with being more assertive in setting your boundaries. She'll either have to get used to that or be history.

The answer to that type of comment was and is "I don't feel disrespected...I was disrespected and you disrespected me and my home." Also when she says that she isn't making anyone feel uncomfortable/upset, you say that you don't feel upset/uncomfortable when X or Y stays with you, they don't smoke in the house, the follow the house rules, yet when she stays, you don't just feel uncomfortable, you actually are uncomfortable in your home and you get upset because she smokes and doesn't follow the house rules and why would that be does she think. I'd even mention that you've noticed that she tries to use words and twist their meaning so that she is never in the wrong and she probably quite rarely accepts responsibility for things that are entirely within her remit to resolve and repair and simply accept that she was wrong.
You cannot go through life thinking and believing that everything, absolutely everything you do is never wrong. She's going to have a rude awakening at some point in her future and the decision is whether she wants that to be within her family or have a wider audience, say at work.

See how she tries to wangle her way out of straightening out the words she uses against you to make her out to be the victim.

I know but she isn't going to change. Everyone has tried over the years talking to her, explaining to her, snapping at her etc but it makes no difference. It's easy to avoid her as she lives abroad and I most certainly wont chase after her or initiate contact now. Her parents are low contact already but they either tiptoe round her or have no contact at all and they don't want that.
She made a very sexual and inappropriate comment at a social gathering about her parents sex life. A shocked, hushed tone descended immediately. She fled upstairs in tears, calling us all uptight and lacking in humour. Even after reflecting on it, she maintained her position that we were all in the wrong. She got angry and stroppy with me for saying later that it was inappropriate.

@FgsMary This is the important thing. She doesn't need to smoke inside. She CHOSE to do it with you because she thought she would get away with it. She CHOOSES not to do it at the relatives house. She could have made that same choice at yours but she doesn't respect you as she didn't do what you had asked.

Do not feel bad. She CHOSE to do it with you. There is a consequence and I know it might feel difficult now but in the future it might be better for the two of you as she might listen to what you say and respect that.

Yes, it's her behaviour that's the cause of it all (not just the smoking) and she's upset everyone but I feel dreadful that I've made it all worse. She feels adrift in life and not welcomed anywhere and I don't want anyone to feel like that. She's most certainly not a dreadful person. Just a challenging complex one

But you haven’t made it worse! She is the one who messed things up - and now she’s having to sleep on the floor. I hope she reflects why.

She feels adrift and not welcomed anywhere? Hmm, I wonder why 🤔 Bloody obvious, isn’t it? She’s self-centred, thoughtless and takes no responsibility for her actions, playing the victim when she’s the one at fault. If you don’t want her to feel like that, then keep firm boundaries so she has the opportunity to learn and change her behaviour. Unless you’re using the word “complex” to allude to historical or current special issues you don’t want to go into, then it’s just an excuse usually. Complex? No, rude and selfish!

YANBU. She knew what the rules were and chose to ignore them, essentially throwing herself out. Well done for not being a doormat.

YABU to continue being friends with a person who disrespects you and clearly doesn’t view you as a friend. She has form for being a bully and manipulative when challenged on her rude, selfish and unreasonable behaviour. Your house rules are your rules and if she can’t respect them when she’s clearly aware of them and then further to lie to you about it then she doesn’t deserve to stay. I would rethink the whole friendship altogether if this is the way she chooses to behave. Friends don’t act like this towards other friends and nor do people who have a basic level of manners.

@Janedoe82 - I grew up with smokers and, while my dad managed to quit when I was a teenager, mum never did, so I grew up in a house where everything was permeated with the smell of cigarette smoke, and where I was exposed to a lot of second hand smoke from babyhood onwards. Mum even refused to stop smoking in the car when I told her it made me ill.

I loathe the smell of cigarette smoke, and it really lingers in a house, even if someone only smokes a few inside - it stays on everything - every surface, and soft furnishing. No-one has the right to inflict that on me in my own home.

The OP had one rule - no smoking indoors - and the guest deliberately broke that rule. I would have done exactly what she did.

Tbh, Op you have been set up to fail. Having someone pleasant stay in your house for three weeks would have been hard enough, having someone everyone acknowledges is unpleasant and difficult was bound to end in disaster. I would not feel guilty at all, I would actually feel annoyed. You should not have been put in this position in the first place.

Very aggressive, confrontational, awkward, selfish, bullying at the best of times but I'd bit my lip for a week

lol what? why are you "friends" with this person in the first place?, she sounds like a nasty horrible person. You know you dont have to stay friends with someone if they behave poorly right?

Stop being such a people pleaser and dump fag ash Lil.

Spot the self-entitled smoker.

Me too.

Also, it's not really about smoking per se; it's about basic respect for another person in a particular situation. I'm an ex smoker - was a very heavy smoker in fact - and even at the height of that I would NEVER have tried to have "a sneaky fag" in the house of someone who had specifically told me not to.

Respecting other people's wishes in their own home is just basic manners. This is about the dynamic of the relationship and this childish individual's lack of respect for those she's getting favours from. Regardless of the terribleness of her behaviour that "everyone knows" and this assumption it won't and can't change, OP CAN change her reaction to this person and refuse to put up with it, gaining self respect in the process. No is a powerful word.

She feels adrift in life and not welcomed anywhere and I don't want anyone to feel like that. She's most certainly not a dreadful person. Just a challenging complex one

Oh just saw this- she isnt welcomed anywhere because she's a bully and leaves stale smoke wherever she goes- thats entirely her own fault. She isnt "complex" - thats just an excuse for treating people like shit- she's just really unpleasant. End of.

Stop trying to save her. You haven't made anything worse. All this is her doing.

She crossed a boundary too many times, you absolutely did the right thing; looks like you're the only one to have told her 'no'!!

Yes. But the most important thing here is that it is lovely for you too, and it sounds like you are dampening your own happiness now by feeling guilty. When you really shouldn’t be.

Instead be proud that you stood up for yourself, it is your home. And your toiletries, so why should she use them for three weeks.

Your boundaries are very, very important. Especially if you’ve been in an abusive relationship before. Then you need to establish your boundaries to people and make sure they listen to you.

You did well op.

Disagree.

Why should OP’s house reek of smoke? Filthy habit.

Your friend has not yet learned actions have consequences and that people have boundaries. This is her issue not yours.

If everything was great except the smoking incident, I could see a frank conversation about why it wasn't okay and moving on with the friendship. But @FgsMary the way you describe this person, I'm just not sure why you'd continue trying.

Asking her to leave was not at all unreasonable in the circumstances.