I can't really go back to work with H attitude

[icantfuckingwin]

Two kids- 4 and 2.

H trying to build an empire and make it big. Self employed business. Requires A LOT of hours out of the house. I do not wish to disclose the type of business it is. But it's not work from home.

He leaves at 6 and comes back at 8:30-9 pm. The commute is around 1:15-1:30 minutes.

He's been putting a lot into it for many years and is on the brink of a possible investment, let's say. To enlarge business.

I've also had quite a successful career. I went back to work after both babies. I also manage everything home related, as I've always worked from home, there was just more time for me to do it.

For the last year I held a senior position, on a pretty big salary. Not humble bragging. But I suffered from absolute burn out. I could no longer maintain everything. I was doing all night wakings, all mornings, all drop offs and all pick ups, plus dinner time and bed time alone. My kids school is also an hour round trip because of traffic. I did have the help of a cleaner and spent money on convenience foods and take aways too often, but was really trying to just get through the days somehow. We had a nanny for a while before my youngest went to nursery and she'd fill in if I had work trips abroad etc. anyway my H all the while always complaining how much money we spent on outsourcing and making me feel guilty about it.

So we recently started discussing my return to work and what was going to change. To which he said, well we can't spend that much money on outsourcing stuff- otherwise it won't be worth you working. We will be paying more to outsource than you'll be earning. This is because I suggested we have a housekeeper a few times a week, rather than a cleaner once a week, to make things easier on me. He said I never think about the finances and only about getting more and more help in.

This was part of the reason I left my job too, as I was made to feel guilty for needing help.

He essentially wants a wife who works full time on a big salary and takes care of all the home and childcare stuff with no help ( aside from nursery ) while he goes off to build his empire.

And I know what he'll say, he'll say I never supported him and he did it all alone. He already thinks that. Because I couldn't handle ' my lot '. When I was working and caused him a headache by complaining about it all.

I am sad but I don't think I can go back to work under these circumstances. He still does not get it and he'll begrudge the money we will need to speak to pick up his side of the equation.

What good things does he bring to your life? Excluding money. What loving things? How does being with him enrich your life?

If you are struggling to think of anything then maybe you need to think if being with him is what you want.

This. Totally.

Do you own half the company too? (so have equal right to dividend and who gets to be on the board).

basically : youcantfuckingwin

@Tespo I don't. But if I did stay at home for longer, would that help me ? Because I could ask for that.

This. Your last few sentences in particular. Far more eloquent than my sweary rant!

Ooph you have a big problem. Do not give up your career and be financially dependent on him.

Time to outsource your husband…

So basically his ‘empire’ that he is building is far more important than anything else in his life.
including his wife and dc.
He is so focused on making as much money as he can, so he can what? Provide for his family?
because I imagine if he continues opting out of actual family life he won’t have one to support.

he also thinks that HE is far more important than you and the dc. His need to build his empire trumps everything. He wants you to work and not spend on childcare or help because he doesn’t want any of ‘his’ money being used to plug the gap.

I don’t think the man wants a wife. He wants a person to do everything that’s needed to be done to provide this image of a family - and to do it at no cost to him 24/7. And not only that, this person has to also work and pay for the privilege of being his slave so he doesn’t have to also pay to house/clothe/feed them either.

not sure what you can do, except demand he reign it back and take a good hard look at exactly what he is doing. Or you leave.
and if you leave, how will he pay his half of childcare or juggle all the house and kids stuff alone? Maybe point that out if he thinks he’s sound it all on his own anyway.
good luck, it sounds horrendous

Hes not a family man. Maybe his family should fuck off and leave the selfish twat and let him live the single life he was made for.

I don’t think the man wants a wife. He wants a person to do everything that’s needed to be done to provide this image of a family - and to do it at no cost to him 24/7.

yes this! What he wants is staff basically - but staff he doesn’t have to pay

again gently OP why on Earth are you with him? What good is he bringing do your life?

I wouldn't trust someone like him as far as I could throw them.
He DOESN'T love you.
Nor does he care about his children.
You need to be firm and to box clever.
Back to work and do WHATEVER it takes to get there.
This is not a good man.
Save yourself however you can until the time is right to split.

Bloody hell, OP, he is not a good man.

Hi OP, I’m really concerned about how your H is relating to you. It sounds like a lack of empathy and consideration. Your daughter is vomiting (which is awful for child and parent) and he just gets up to close his door? Not even a word of sympathy or encouragement or one of you holding and comforting your little girl whilst the other clears up?
It sounds like he’s really opted out and he’s not treating you with love or valuing the enormous and important jobs you are doing.

It's hard to say without specifics. I don't think a 50/50 split of all work is the most efficient - there's a reason people specialise to achieve better outcomes.

I think you should really sit down and talk about your current position and goals over the medium term considering the lifestyle you want to lead. For instance, is this a business where it could plausibly soon be netting significant revenue and be sold for a life changing amount? Or is this just him grinding his life away for a VP title and an extra 80k a year?

Oh OP, I'm sorry. He is a sexist fuckwit.

Please don't give up your job. You need to maintain your financial independence.

Tell him he has a choice. Either he steps up to do 50% of the childcare and domestic work or you outsource as much as you need to. Or you divorce the fucker!

You wish he could be more reasonable.
This is wishing for the moon - it won't happen. He is who he is.
He criticises, saying you haven't done the laundry properly, and doesn't appreciate the huge tasks you do take on, like all the night waking.

But this is who he is. He won't change.

What comes across in your posts is that you don't really know what you want. You are not sure about going back to work. The only thing you want is for him to change - but that is not happening.

So - what do you want? - given that he won't change.
Do you want to stay with him, and work around his faults?
Or do you want to divorce?
If you stay, do you have the strength to stand up to him, answer back when he says unreasonable things, or will you just nod and smile then ignore him and do what you planned to do regardless of him? If he is out of the house for such long periods how much will he know about anyway?

Do you actually want to pursue a demanding career? Do you want to do that ASAP, or wait a few years until the DC are more independent? What kind of damage would waiting do to your career prospects?
Or would you be happier in an easier job and have less stress?

You need to mentally put all thoughts of him aside while you work out what you want and make your plan for yourself.

Well I’d be telling him he’s doing 50% of everything child related then, plus cleaning. Why does it fall to you? Childcare and cleaning isn’t just your responsibility

The only thing I know I want, is to work. I don't want to stay out of work too long.

OP please read this thread back to yourself. I think having written everything down will highlight how bad your husband is treating you. From the tone of your post, you sound sad , and totally ground down.
Don't let this situation get any worse than it is. Take back some control, before you have a fuckin breakdown.

If he sold the business for 50m would you still want to work?

In that case, you make it happen, and pay for all the help you need. Your DH will have to get used to it.

If he makes it unbearable for you, then you have to leave him.

Having a vagina doesn't mean that all of the household jobs, including rearing children falls to said vagina owner and the penis owner can piss off and work all the hours God sends without having to lift a finger at home. That is not how a partnership works.
My advice would be you're not nor would you be any worse off if you were to separate/divorce and he was simply paying child support to you because you would be able to get a housekeeper or cleaner or both and not have him breathing down your neck while you do it.
Do you think you could separate?

You are my best friend OP. She held a senior position at work, did 100% chidcare, all night wakings, all housework and was consistently criticised for the quality of work she did at home by her 'D'h. She had to foot all the bills if she needs help with their children or cleaning etc because according to him, home and kids are her job, but then she also was demanded to bring 250K salary on top. She wanted to drop a day, then her' D'h said, he can't work like that because she acts like a weakness link in the relationship. She had to perform at work and home perfectly otherwise she was made to feel inferior, not a good mum and wife and ultimately an incompetent human being.

He did fuck all except working.

She eventually had a nervous breakdown hospitalised for a week, and he came to check on her once. It is a pure contempt.

She is now divorced and he sees his kids once a month in his parents house because he can't be distracted with work.

You absolutely cannot afford to give up work.

It’s hard now, but you have to look beyond this, because you need to be able to independently support yourself for the rest of your life , and your children into adulthood. If that means paying for the help you need- cleaning/ childcare/ food- then so be it. If H objects, he can pick up some of the workload or STFU.

Childcare has to be covered 24/7, it’s more than a full time job. You cannot do all of the childcare, all of the household work, and hold down a senior full time career- therefore it makes more financial sense to outsource the lower-paid elements while you bring in a high salary.

Sorry to say this, but your husband sounds like exactly the kind of man who would trap you in the house once you’ve given up on your career, then trade you in for a younger model once he’s hit the big money, while squirrelling his money away in the business so you never get your fair share. You have to look long term.

Exactly this.

There is a lady in Insta Mrs. Frazzled, I think is her account. She does wonderful gentle parenting tips to deal with arsehole adults including husbands.
Go watch a few and you will armed to deal with him.