To think that my sons teacher is making a big deal out of something quite small

[Eshmee]

So my little boy is 4. He's in foundation at school and is the youngest in his year. He struggles with regulating his emotions and sometimes when angry or upset will hit rather than use his words to explain what he wants or why he's upset. We have soent alot of time on this explaining how to vocalise what he wants but as I said, he's 4 and from all the parenting advice sites etc I gather that this is fairly normal behaviour for a child of his age.

Today when I collected him from school the teacher told me that whilst waiting in line for assembly he grabbed a teacher assistant by the arm quite hard as she was walking past and this was hard enough to leave a little red mark on her arm. His teacher told me that this teacher assistant is new and was quote shocked so instead of asking him what he needed she ignored him and carried om walking. My little boy was then removed from assembly a whllile later by a more senior teacher and was told off. She also asked him why he had done it but by this time he had forgotten. Whilst I understand that isnis never acceptable to grab, he tells me that he didn't know her name and that he wanted to walk with her to assembly.
When his class teacher was relaying all of this to me she made it sound like a had a violet thug for a son. AIBU to think she's made a big deal out of something small or do I need to crack down much harder on him?
Advice needed for a worried mum :(

You say he doesn’t have any communication issues. He does, he hits out rather than communicating. That is a communication issue. No matter how you try to dress it up.

You say he doesn’t have any behaviour concerns. He does - grabbing a teacher and hitting others is not normal.

You are not listening to posters. Fellow teachers and professionals have posted to tell you this isn’t normal but you won’t accept it. You are not doing yourself any favours.

You've highlighted some signs that there could be neurodiversity at play, though. Whilst teachers do see plenty of children, far too many still slip through the net being labelled as "naughty" rather than being referred for support. The fact that your son generally doesn't display indication of ND according to the teachers may be covering for the few times he does.

As for your punishments, your son didn't even recall some of the event during that same school day. It's not developmentally appropriate to expect him to fully understand that he's not allowed to play the PlayStation as a direct consequence of something unrelated that occurred (in his world) 'a long time ago'. The moment has been and gone from his perspective.

OK...well no, I don't think she overreacted at all. He's 4, 4 year olds often do things they shouldn't, but it needs to be corrected at this age so he doesn't get bigger thinking that's OK and potentially hurt someone else.

She told you and explained why it wasn't acceptable and you've put some consequences in place. It sounds like the issue has been resolved and unless it recurs I don't see what you are making such an issue about.

Teach your son to not be violent with women.

This attitude right here is a massive problem. Boys hitting other children isn't anymore acceptable than girls doing this. Yet for some reason we're still stuck with the "boys will be boys" shtick.

I remember this from my own kindergarten days. The boys were allowed to be so rough and ended up hurting other children, yet were rarely punished for it. I was already afraid of boys at age 4.

Ffs

I am shocked at the responses here.

Calling this incident an assault or violence is outrageous. He is 4 years old! Children at this age have limited impulse control and are not anywhere near having the capabilities to regulate their emotions. I agree with some of the other responses that of course this is something that can be worked on. My own son(age 3) does hit and bite(but just myself and his dad) and we are working so hard to lessen this. It takes time and consistency and can be very challenging.

I have been teaching for 16 years and for 5 of those years I have worked with 4 and 5 year olds. Incidents like hitting or pushing happen regularly at yard time but they are dealt with in a calm and gentle manner. Under no circumstances would a child be reprimanded in the way your child was. It seems ludicrous. Would there have been crowds in the corridor at the time. Perhaps he was overwhelmed from a sensory perspective? You mentioned that he sometimes hits etc when he is overwhelmed. He could be doing this to get sensory feedback and may be experiencing sensory issues?

I think that there is no cause for major concern at all but just chat with the teachers about what they notice your son is like in school in general.

And if it were me I think I would refrain from punishments at home for something that happened in school. There is no way a 4 year old would would even make the connection between the incident and the consequences when there is a gap like that.

You could try restorative practice questions(if you Google this you will find nice posters with the questions) but it is a proven approach to improve behaviour. It allows a person to put themselves in the shoes of the person they have upset/hurt and encourages them to think about what they should do next to make things right.

And I would like to follow this up by saying I don't think your child did anything wrong at all in this scenario. He is 4, schools can be busy overwhelming places. He simply reached out for an adult(someone who is there to help the children) and seems as though he accidentally grabbed too hard. If a child had done this to me I would simply have asked them to use gentle hands and helped them with what they needed.

I cannot believe how many people are accusing OP of minimising her child's behaviour or accusing the child of being violent. Support and time are required here to guide him.

I think the misunderstanding lies in this statement ‘He struggles with regulating his emotions and sometimes when angry or upset will hit rather than use his words to explain what he wants or why he's upset. We have soent alot of time on this explaining how to vocalise what he wants…’
This sounds like more than just ‘boys being boys’.
But if, as you say, the teachers have no concerns about his behaviour and it hasn’t been an issue with the school in the past than I think that perhaps they are blowing this incident out of proportion.
But then again, if he had told the senior teacher why he had grabbed the TAs arm when she pulled him aside to talk to him, maybe it would have been dealt with differently ( I understand why he wasn’t able to though, he may have been worried and not wanting to talk ).
So without them knowing why he grabbed at her and left a mark, they may assume that he got over excited or was being a little spiteful and wanted you to know.
Otherwise, I would assume the conversation would be more of ‘We had to speak to DS today as he grabbed at a new TAs arm as she was walking past and left a mark. He said he just wanted to walk with her down to assembly. We know he didn’t mean to hurt her but we reminded him about being careful and using his words rather than grabbing’.
So when you go in on Monday I would just tell the teacher what he told you, say that you have had a chat about what to do next time and leave it as that.

The teachers should know how to handle this and politely make you aware, not act like he's a violent thug.

But of course you're on mumsnet where teachers are seen as the ultimate martyrs so you were never going to get reasonable responses unfortunately.

HRTWT as it resonates with me a lot but I have lived enough to tell the tale and beyond.

It's completely shocking to a mother's centre when such difficulties are pointed out, mostly made worse because they are delivered with a bit of a sneer, no matter how much the spoutificants try and hide it; when your dc is still in infants they do still judge your parenting as their first resort.

And it will get worse and my only advice is that you need to adjust to the circumstances you have and the options available and fight, research, fight.

It is worth doing and I'm very happy with the results DS and me produced after 20+ years of adapting, fighting and floating.

You sound like a great teacher, it's refreshing to see such a reasonable view.

Sounds like they fight a lot at this school. Maybe that's part of the issue?

Boys fighting is not abnormal, my son is in year one and the boys are constantly fighting but it doesn't make it right. Ops school seem good as they are trying to clamp down on it. Hurting a member of staff is not acceptable. You need to explain this to your son and if he carries on fighting with other kids you well end up on the receiving end of some angry parents so best to get a grip of it now. Be pleased your school is taking control of it, you wouldn’t like it if another boy hit your son.

This!

OMG - boys wanting to physically 'contend' - and the young girls that like to as well? I could take so many MN threads and make a rug out of it.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with using your body to play a game - when you're very young you do need guidance on 'the rules'.

Other than that - unless some MNters wants me to clarify for some inexplicable reason, I really have nothing more to say. For now.....

Oh fgs are your children perfect?!!

I know mine weren't!! Youngest led us a merry dance. Parented exactly the same as the elder two, but behaviour very different. Used to run everywhere. Nursery teacher who was an absolute witch and too old frankly to be teaching young children was always complaining. One day she rang me and asked me to collect him, because there was some sort of muslin thing hanging from the ceiling and he had kicked it down. Only he hadn't because my husband witnessed it when dropping him off. He tripped on the damn thing while waving goodbye to his dad. It was literally a safety hazard. I refused to pick him up as I was on my way to work.

She referred him for assessment along with about half of the class. Did the assessments and he was deemed NT. He was just a little shit, but a very loving little shit. I remember going to a hotel on holiday and he used to just run and run and run around the table. We had to block him in to keep him from annoying other people and in the end we went down for breakfast just before it ended. We used to ask him "why?" and he didn't know! He just had boundless energy!

He wasn't allowed to go on the nursery trip unless I went with him. 1st year in primary, he got the same teacher my elder two had had. At the Christmas play, I wanted to crawl into a hole and die because someone in front of him had a high hat on and he started messing with it. The principal went on the school trip with the teachers partly to keep an eye on him!!

At piano lessons he would always find the drum kit. The same on Sunday mornings at church. He was sent in ignominy from Sunday school back to creche aged 4. He embarrassed me several times in church too which I won't reveal because they are too outing!

He wasn't bad, just full of energy, and gradually he settled down. He morphed into a typical lazy teen in the end having to be dragged out of bed in the morning!! He did very well in school, he's bright and has a very dry, witty sense of humour now that he's an adult. He's halfway through a degree in Economics and has a part-time job.

Some children are just wired that way.

But none of the other children grabbed this woman - why did he think it was ok?
Why did he think he should walk with her - rather than wait in line? What makes him more special than the other children?
That’s the issue here, he was expected to be in the line for assembly, he’s been doing it all year -

He didn’t get what he wanted and then had to be taken out of assembly - you are minimizing this - how many other children were removed from assembly?

Yes, I am having a hard time with the fact a senior adult had to take him aside to talk to him. It is no wonder he was not able to say why he had grabbed the TA, he was probably very worried.
This is what made me think that this was part of a bigger issue, but since the OP says it isn’t, it just makes no sense to me.
Surely the class teacher could have waited until after assembly to have a word and find out what had happened.
I would hope he would have enough of a relationship with this adult to explain himself and then it really needn’t have gone any further other than a simple apology.

You problem is you think this is small, excusing his behaviour is not going to male it go away it needs to be dealt with everything it happens

They are telling you so you can do something about it

I’m sorry, but I have a 4 year old and I don’t recognise that behaviour as common place with my child or her friends. What I see if a child doesn’t get their own way is normally crying and sulking. I think you need to trust the school on their judgement here- they have seen many more 4 year olds behaviour than you, I think you need to realise it’s an issue that must be dealt with

Oh fgs a 4 year old grabbed her arm!!

Do you have any idea what some TAs put up with? I watched two once trying to deal with a SEN child. He was lashing out at both of them, and it was nearly impossible for the two of them to manage him. And I thought, how challenging that role is, and how much is expected of them, and they are paid fuck all to do it. No wonder it's hard to recruit!

Well that's not what the TA alleged.

you dont respond to aggression from a child by asking them what they need.

He left a mark. Of course it's violent.