To think that my sons teacher is making a big deal out of something quite small

[Eshmee]

So my little boy is 4. He's in foundation at school and is the youngest in his year. He struggles with regulating his emotions and sometimes when angry or upset will hit rather than use his words to explain what he wants or why he's upset. We have soent alot of time on this explaining how to vocalise what he wants but as I said, he's 4 and from all the parenting advice sites etc I gather that this is fairly normal behaviour for a child of his age.

Today when I collected him from school the teacher told me that whilst waiting in line for assembly he grabbed a teacher assistant by the arm quite hard as she was walking past and this was hard enough to leave a little red mark on her arm. His teacher told me that this teacher assistant is new and was quote shocked so instead of asking him what he needed she ignored him and carried om walking. My little boy was then removed from assembly a whllile later by a more senior teacher and was told off. She also asked him why he had done it but by this time he had forgotten. Whilst I understand that isnis never acceptable to grab, he tells me that he didn't know her name and that he wanted to walk with her to assembly.
When his class teacher was relaying all of this to me she made it sound like a had a violet thug for a son. AIBU to think she's made a big deal out of something small or do I need to crack down much harder on him?
Advice needed for a worried mum :(

Your first mistake was coming on here asking for advice lol you should know by now that it's all "gosh my child would never" and "gasp you let your child play on the PlayStation" and then there's people making up their own scenarios and I have just seen someone say that they can tell what kind of mother you are just by what you have written in one post lol anyway get your son down the police station and get him arrested immediately because he is a violent thug who should really know better you know with being 4 fucking years old. Is it any wonder that us women get called hysterical and over the top lol fuck sake

My daughters behaviour is always worse when she has screen time. I limit screen time including TV as a result. We have no screens after dinner. That's not to say I don't let her have a play on the Wii or her tablet sometimes but I usually regret it.

There are 2 teachers — is it a double class? Large number of children ?
Its possible he’s just not emotionally ready to be part of a large class, take general directions from a teacher ( the younger the child the more they expect and need individual directions which they’re not going to get in a class of 30 children.

@Eshmee

im telling you as an EYFS professional with 19 years experience your son’s actions warrant further investigation. I’m not mum shaming you, I’ve got a son who needs support and has an ehcp so I know how bloody hard it is! I’ve had virtual strangers staring at me in a restaurant and other public places! I’m not a perfect parent, but my son is polite, empathetic and kind! Your son sounds similar but needs support. Good luck, please ask for a neurodev referral

I've worked with children, this isn't typical behaviour for a 4 year old. You saying he sometimes hits instead if using his words is more around 24 months stage of development.
Maybe consider speaking the the school senco or school nurse about the behaviour.

He does have plenty of human interaction but for the 45 minutes that I cook dinner if he chooses to play the PlayStation I'll let him. Its not everyday, maybe 2/3 times a week.

I have. I have an older while with ADHD so I have always been really hot on trying to spot any signs of ND. I have asked more than once and both teachers say they have no thoughts of any issues.

I’ve already posted so you know my view on the first question.

With regards to the play station. Lots of very well behaved children in my class have a ‘switch’ and play Mario. I get you need to get jobs done.

The PlayStation isn’t the problem here. The school is for letting you think is typical behaviour for your child to hit out to communicate their needs. Your child is either not being told by yourself and school, with consistency that it’s wrong. Which could well be the case as you think it’s typical behaviour- it’s absolutely not normal behaviour and you’re making it normal and your child thinks it’s okay OR your child has a communication delay. To identify the later - was your child a late talker? Did they hit all the communication milestones? Are they on track for their reading (reading ability links directly to communication and listening) also has your child had a hearing test?

Does your child have any signs they are neurodiverse? My son is dyspraxic so when he was in infant school he had poor coordination, poor body awareness and poor social skills which meant he sometimes inadvertently hurt people. It was exacerbated by his lack of readiness for formal education which left him feeling frustrated. All this was before he was diagnosed so, like you, we had reports from school of his behaviour which were a bit mystifying at the time. There's always a reason for a child's behaviour and it isn't always the parents' fault or, come to that, the teaching staff's although I do think professional awareness of these complex conditions is not what it should be.

The child is only 4, and some children that age could be having upsets or tantrums, or in this case just not know how to get a teacher’s attention. Knowing how to help a child with these aspects must be a core part of the job.

Obviously COD and GTA.

Jesus, the kid has an older sibling, of course he'll be wanting to play. We chose open world games for our dc and the youngest while couldn't understand the 'game' would create fantastic games himself and really show his imagination.

@Eshmee - honestly, the punishment is too much. You've already said by the time he was questioned by staff he couldn't remember the interaction. Withdrawing treats and games isn't going to make him less likely to grab out in the future. He won't connect the punishment to the action.

He does need to learn to use his voice over actions but really at 4 years, children are impulsive buggers and can't be expected to control every emotional outburst. I'd suggest you work with him about emotions, what leads up to his outbursts, and how he could better remove himself from that in the future.

As for the grabbing a TA by the arm and leaving a mark. What was the mark? Nails? Pressure? Bruise? I find it hard to believe that a child just reaching out and grabbing at 4 years old has the strength in their hand to leave a lasting mark of any kind. Nails maybe, but a bruise or red mark...it seems unlikely. In anger, or a meltdown entirely possible, but not just reaching out while standing in a line.

@Eshmee i had a similar experience with my son but at age 3. We moved him to a montessori pre school when he turned 3, he hated it. After 3 months they told us in parents evening that he was hitting teachers, pulling hair, trying to bite, kick, throw things. They told us they thought he was autistic, then a week later they decided he was naughty. Then they reduced his hours, then decided he needed 1:1 support. Eventually i took him out and moved him to a different pre school and we haven't had any issues but he is currently going through an assessment for autism. The big difference for me is how the 2 schools behaved. The montessori school were not remotely accomodating of his behaviour, were not interested in understanding his triggers - yes you can tell me what is happening but also tell me what you are doing to help, suggest ideas. They wrote him off as a bad kid. I also found out after i removed him that they had been restraining him. He became withdrawn and really miserable the whole time he was there.

In the new school he had a couple of blips in the first 2 weeks as he settled in but made loads of progress and they love having him, didn't see any issue. He follows the rules well, occasionally he can get frustrated but he has really improved and they really helped with that.
I suppose my point is not all settings and not all teachers will be right for your child. Don't be afraid to make changes.

YANBU because clearly it wasn't dealt with very well at any point. By foundation, do you mean reception? If so and he's still only 4 I'd seriously be considering whether he should be going into yr 1. I'd be having conversations about him re-doing the year as the expectations on conduct and behaviour in school will only get harsher.

We deferred our youngest for different reasons (started reception just turned 5 rather than just turned 4)

The op has explained several times over that it’s not something her sons teachers are concerned about…..

Hes had nearly a whole year of reception though presumably? And he will be very nearly 5. If that’s the case I wouldn’t say it was usual to be hitting and grabbing a teacher hard. By the end of reception most children would have learned the rules and how to behave and what’s expected / not tolerated?

@Eshmee
it might be nothing, but honestly push for further investigation. If he’s hitting instead of using his words then it could be as simple as needing speech and language investigation but I would honestly say that too many incidents have been reported now for you to believe what his teachers are saying.

He definitely doesn't need to be deferred and is ready to move up. Teachers have said that even though he's the youngest he is hitting all his targets. He doesn't have any behavioural issies and has lots of friends. He's generally regarded as being kind and polite and social. He's not behind in any areas academically or socially and he gives as many whacks as he takes. At the start if the year I considered it as he was so young but pre school said he was more than ready so I didn't x

What I meant when I said 'instead of using his words' is that if someone hits him or trips him he will do it back rather than say 'please don't do that'. He has no problems with communication or delay etc he just reacts rather than talks. X

Certainly on it’s own I would feel this shouldn’t have been a big deal, but if, as you you say, your DS has form for hitting out, I am guessing it is being treated more seriously, regardless of his intentions.
Working in the Foundation Stage, I often have children tapping, pulling or grabbing at me. I just gently say ‘Please, don’t tap/pull/grab me, I don’t like that. Please, use my name and I can help you.’
If a child had hurt me when grabbing me, I would simply say ‘Ouch, that hurt when you grabbed me, please use your words if you want to talk to me.’
But you said this TA is new so maybe she wasn’t entirely sure how to deal with it in the moment and showed a teacher when they got to assembly.
You said your DS finds it challenging to self regulate, can I ask what support he is getting from the school for this?

Personally, I would not punish your child at home for this, especially as you say it was not his intention to hurt the adult and he has already been told off at school.
I would just explain to him again why it’s important to use gentle hands and help him to make an apology card for the TA.

For a 4 year old to leave a mark…..

Thank you for explaining, and sorry to be out of step with the OP l, but I was answering this,
Hesma · Today 18:57
No teaching assistant should have to accept being physically assaulted by a child

"He doesn't have any behavioural issies"

But, he does?

all good. you still haven't said why he needed to 'react' to get attention from ta? You say he reacts when upset etc etc.But who upset him before grabbing TA so hard, just for attention? Only thing I can think of, is the impulse with which he plays his playstation.

There is a disconnect in your explanation of what makes him react and description of what teachers say actually happened. Focus on what teachers said, support them and help your ds.

In my experience teachers don't really spot the signs and some jump straight to it being intentional behaviour or parent blaming. If you have brought this up with the teacher already I'm guessing you've considered it's a possibility. You know your children better than anyone so if you feel there are some additional needs try and push for support from Senco or school nurse.
Children can become labeled as 'naughty' when they just need extra support to have their needs met.

No he doesn't. The teachers have actually said there are no issues with his behaviour. He grabbed an adults arm to get her attention. This isn't not a behavioural issue lol