DHs reaction to sharing job is bothering me

[Alllthatsmine]

DH is a teacher at a private secondary school, he's worked there for 10 years, loves the school and is great at his job. He works 4 days a week as he is trying to write his own book.
Recently his department head retired, the competition for new department head has been tough both internally and externally but he's put his all in.
Recently it was announced he would be the joint head of department, his co-head would be a relatively young teacher from another school, this will be just her 6th year of teaching.
They explained the reasons are that they both work over 4 days (though DH did make it clear if he was given department head he would be willing to go up to 5 if successful) and that they felt their skill sets were complimentary. DH asked more on what they meant, and the effectively said he has the experience and leadership skills but she has the fresh ideas, innovation and drive.
Now DHs reaction has been immature and really bothered me. He effectively saying he doesn't want to do it if he has to share, he thinks it will lead to fall out and he doesn't want to be forced into untested new ideas. He's also made several comments that have bothered me after they met up this week for the first time.

1. He told me that she is newly married and he asked if kids were on the cards soon (I've told him how wrong it is to ask this), she replied with in the next couple of years yes. So now he is complaining that it is a joint role but he will end up doing it alone while she's on maternity leave (confused as I thought that would make him happy!)
2. They discussed pay (again fear DH may have been the one to bring this up!), turns out they are getting the exact same pay and benefits. He thinks this is an insult to his experience. I said I think it's fair as they will be doing the same job and should be paid the same amount accordingly
3. He has made several comments of "have to comprise with a woman at home and now at work too"

AIBU to be really bothered by this reaction and to think it's disgusting. It's actually making me question everything!! Or is it fair to be annoyed?

Completely agree with you but this could be quite outing - this exact situation can’t be happening in that many private schools right now? I’d probably take this down in case it gets back to the head and he ends up with no job at all…

Yeah I'd let him have a whinge & a moan for today, he's obviously disappointed BUT if he kept on then I think I'd have to call him out on his misogny & very clumsy questioning of her... it reeks of " The Old Boys Club"

The enforced job share is shit, but his resistance to new ideas may be exactly why she's there.

His comments are horrible, but once he's calmed down, this may force him to review his own self-importance. May be the making of a better man 😒.

So many people saying joint HoD is a terrible idea. It can work really well! I share two departments with another colleague and it works great for us. I am 5 years less experienced than her in terms of teaching but we became subject leaders at the same time. We split the small tasks and work together on the bigger ones. We work together rather than against each other and have no egos to deal with. We’ve been doing it like this for 5 years and have hugely benefited from each other’s personal qualities and skills.
OP, the colleague is less experienced in teaching, not leading so I think they’re on a level playing field (I get that this is your take too). He’s got a bruised ego and you’re right to pull him up on the nastiness it’s bringing out of him. It would give me the ick. Has he always been respectful of you? Apart from having to compromise with you at home of course. Tell him to make the best of it or find another job where he can have sole control.

He sounds very arrogant! The comments about women in general would bother me and especially the fact he has questioned whether the job share is going to have children ! No one would ever dare say that to a man 😡

However , I do understand him being a bit out out that someone with a lot less experience has also been given the job . There is a lot in schools now ( I am a teacher ) where teachers are moving up very fast . I feel that some older teachers are being passed by for this , usually it’s financial though ( newer teachers are cheaper ) . I think it’s something he may find hard with the comments of her having new ideas etc as for an older teacher this must feel patronising- however , the school system has changed massively . It’s not like it was before , and as a teacher he must know this and know that the higher ups ( ofsted , DfE etc ) are also being staffed with younger , fresher people so it’s understand that they are going to have new and fresher takes on things that are going to be passed down in schools .

Honestly, I would probably just give him a bit of time to lick his wounds . If it goes on too long then I would have to say “ ok , enough now ! “ but let him have his whinge . You will probably find that when he experiences the higher workload ( I can not imagine taking on anything more than just being a class teacher - that alone is stressful enough ! )he will be grateful to have someone to share it with and may find that the ideas this woman brings really make sense .

Well he is going to have to be very careful he doesn’t end up with a grievance against him if he is asking questions about her plans for children.

What a prat. He's lucky, because the leadership clearly don't think he's up to doing the job well on his own. I'm sure if a more rounded candidate had been in the mix there would be no job share.

He has made several comments of "have to comprise with a woman at home and now at work too"

Sexist pig. Sorry @Alllthatsmine but your DH belongs back in the 1950s.

FFS.. She's not even pregnant yet! What if he had to take an extended period of leave for sickness or an accident etc? These are issues that are discussed and negotiated if or when it happens.

The last comment is shit, but work is a huge thing and he needs to feel happy & valued.

TBH I wouldn't be chuffed with applying for a job and being offered to share it because I'm too old to have good ideas basically 😄

I'd just support him in thinking about what's best for him in the long run and put some of the less charitable comments down to sour grapes. We all get them now and then.

Many people - usually women - job share even at senior levels in organisations. It can work really well when they have shared expectations and goals but different core responsibilities with some overlap.

This was never going to work for your husband and I wonder if they have angled it this way knowing how he would react so no that they could just have her in the role.

I would politely caution him from asking others opinions at work - this can become rabble rousing which, within employment, could be considered harassment.

It's the inflated sense of self importance that's relevant here- he thought he was their natural first choice so being offered a job share has really dented his ego. If it had been a younger man he'd have been just as insulted but he'd have found different reasons. A young woman just makes it easier to take a cheap shot at her, going off to have DC, no dedication, leaving me to do everything.
I think you're used to his ego being in overdrive but this has made you see him with a bit more clarity

I work in an all girls private school, a couple of years ago we got a new Head of Maths, she was about 26, not super experienced, but had being acting head at a very small school before.
This caused outrage, with other teachers and some parents. The maths department was mostly inhabited by older men before this.
Last year we seen the best maths GCSE results at our school in over a decade. She knew how to get these girls on board and
Is now one of the most respected teachers in our school.
Some people just have it, it's not always something you can learn to do.

If this was my husband I think that I would probably ask him something along the lines of

"You're working on the assumption that you'll be better than her, but given that she's at this career stage at a much younger age than we are, there is a not insignificant chance that she is better than you. How about thinking out how you would want the job share to go if that turns out to be the case"

Hopefully if you can get him to really look and think on that basis he'll stop with some of the ridiculous chat, because obviously he wouldn't want her to refuse to work with him if she's better etc.

Also, I think that your second guess about what has happened here is probably best - they wanted her for the role but have softened the transition by appointing him too because he is internal, well liked and competent.

Is he into her?

Weird about the female comments but it's also equally weird that the role is shared!

Well it say that they clearly dont rate him but don't want to piss him off so much that he leaves

Your husband sounds intolerable. That poor woman had better watch out.

And I hope she's logging all conversations with your arrogant husband.

Holy crap acting head! Thought you needed an extra degree but well done her!

"have to comprise with a woman at home and now at work too"

Or - as I learnt on the freedom program -

Get to work in partnership with your equal.

On the plus side, your DH seems open in discussing things with you.

I can understand your disquiet OP, these are not nice sentiments to hear from a spouse.

However, does he feel his skill set will be expected to cover the boring bits and she will represent the shiny new face of the department?

I get that this is getting your back up, but if it were two women, one
older, one much younger, would it resonate more?

I have had a couple of single friends tell me that they moved job in their 40's after being hugely imposed upon during a mat leave, when it was clear there was going to be multiple mat leaves to come and getting competent cover was impossible.
9 months of covering the job of another person can lead to burn out.

It is 100% the responsibility of management to ensure this doesn't happen but if they dont or can't, you cannot blame colleagues for not being happy. Lots of organisations are too mean to overstaff to cover absences, just expecting others to suck it up with lots of overtime.

Talk to your husband, he sounds disappointed but it is ok to tell him you find his views offensive and he had better check them or he could find himself in the shit for them.

The compromise at home and work comment would NOT endear him to me at all...

I would find your husbands comments about women, and especially about you personally, deeply offensive.
I second a PP though, and wonder if this may be slightly outing? It's one thing if this woman (quite rightly) complains about your husbands comments, but for his wife to do it online may not go down well. Unless of course you want to separate, in which case I advise a divorce lawyer.

I know people who became hod with 1 year of experience, 6 years is plenty. Your dh sounds awful tbh. If he was the right candidate they would’ve given him the job not pay another person to come and do it with him.

Also so many awful comments about this woman and sidestepping the shitty thing this man said to his wife because he’s upset he didn’t get a job he’s obviously not capable of doing on his own,

1. He told me that she is newly married and he asked if kids were on the cards soon (I've told him how wrong it is to ask this), she replied with in the next couple of years yes. So now he is complaining that it is a joint role but he will end up doing it alone while she's on maternity leave (confused as I thought that would make him happy!)
2. They discussed pay (again fear DH may have been the one to bring this up!), turns out they are getting the exact same pay and benefits. He thinks this is an insult to his experience. I said I think it's fair as they will be doing the same job and should be paid the same amount accordingly
3. He has made several comments of "have to comprise with a woman at home and now at work too"

Head of department of not, someone with these kinds of archaic, misogynistic attitudes should be nowhere near a school. Or near women but what you do with your marriage now he's shown what he is is of course yours to resolve.