DHs reaction to sharing job is bothering me

[Alllthatsmine]

DH is a teacher at a private secondary school, he's worked there for 10 years, loves the school and is great at his job. He works 4 days a week as he is trying to write his own book.
Recently his department head retired, the competition for new department head has been tough both internally and externally but he's put his all in.
Recently it was announced he would be the joint head of department, his co-head would be a relatively young teacher from another school, this will be just her 6th year of teaching.
They explained the reasons are that they both work over 4 days (though DH did make it clear if he was given department head he would be willing to go up to 5 if successful) and that they felt their skill sets were complimentary. DH asked more on what they meant, and the effectively said he has the experience and leadership skills but she has the fresh ideas, innovation and drive.
Now DHs reaction has been immature and really bothered me. He effectively saying he doesn't want to do it if he has to share, he thinks it will lead to fall out and he doesn't want to be forced into untested new ideas. He's also made several comments that have bothered me after they met up this week for the first time.

1. He told me that she is newly married and he asked if kids were on the cards soon (I've told him how wrong it is to ask this), she replied with in the next couple of years yes. So now he is complaining that it is a joint role but he will end up doing it alone while she's on maternity leave (confused as I thought that would make him happy!)
2. They discussed pay (again fear DH may have been the one to bring this up!), turns out they are getting the exact same pay and benefits. He thinks this is an insult to his experience. I said I think it's fair as they will be doing the same job and should be paid the same amount accordingly
3. He has made several comments of "have to comprise with a woman at home and now at work too"

AIBU to be really bothered by this reaction and to think it's disgusting. It's actually making me question everything!! Or is it fair to be annoyed?

For teaching maybe as the basic wage, but TLRs are generally a set amount.

We had joint head teachers at ds primary and to be hit at it was a shit show. Because of the people involved, I suspect.

I am sure it can work. But I don’t blame him for being pissed off. Even if it’s a bit unreasonable. He should be questioning why they believe he isn’t able to come up with new ideas.

He also has more patience so I can see the pay things grating a bit.

However, he is being a complete dick about maternity, compromising with women and so on. That would really bother me. Even if sympathised with the rest.

Agree with this. Its a massively different skillset. Some of the HoDs I've worked with were promoted for being amazing teachers yet completely unsuited for the data/management/personnel side of the job.

If they were teaching a state school 6 years of teaching is when you reach the top of the main pay scale anyway, so they would have the same base amount (and Upper pay range doesn't require you to have done all 6 years to get that). So technically no they would be on the same amount as classroom teachers.

Ick. He essentially asked a colleague if she’s planning on having unprotected sex with her husband. I’m glad you told him how inappropriate that is - she could be mid-IVF or have had a miscarriage/still birth, all kinds of trauma linked to that awful question. I don’t blame you at all for your reaction to his attitude, he sounds arrogant at best and misogynistic at worst. Hopefully once his disappointment settles his attitude sorts itself out.

Omg - points 1 and 2 make him sound immature and unprofessional. Point 3 is frankly disgusting.

is anyone arguing this man should be getting paid more for the same job a woman, or do we have some male rights folks on here arguing men should get paid more for doing the exact same job??

Point 3 is bad, but apart from that I think he’s got valid concerns. Obviously he shouldn’t have asked her about her maternity plans, but he’s entitled to think about it.

He’s sounds like he feels entitled to the job because he is male and older. As a wife this would worry be about his attitude/beliefs.

He should tread carefully. They may have thought she was the better candidate and wanted her to do the role solo, but worried that she may be in and out of maternity leave over the next few years….. so bought him in to help steady the ship while she does. He may not want to push them too hard on why the role has been split

In fairness this is accurate.

I find that on MN threads the faintest whiff of misogyny and everyone becomes blind to reason.

I wouldn’t want the job on the same terms and in the same circumstances with a man only 6 years qualified.

I work in the public sector and no they don't. That system hasn't been in place for a long time.

So if he's writing a book, what happens if/when it gets published? Won't he need time off to deal with that? Book tour etc?
How old is he OP? Maybe the school are concerned he'll move on if he's successful or is thinking of early retirement?

the effectively said he has the experience and leadership skills but she has the fresh ideas, innovation and drive.

it's not unreasonable to have been stung by that, and to lash out a bit in the privacy of his own home.

So now he is complaining that it is a joint role but he will end up doing it alone while she's on maternity leave that comment could have been made by a woman just the same, I have heard it from several women actually!

It's actually making me question everything!! you can't have a strong relationship if a childish rant is provoking such a strong reaction for you, when you are criticising him to have an equally strong reaction.

I would just give him a few days to let it out, before telling him to man up and stop being ridiculous.

Or he may want to push … if he wants to uncover the fact he is seen as maternity cover for a less qualified preferred candidate. In those circumstances I would prefer to take my skills elsewhere rather than fill in until the inevitable.

Even so, that doesn't cancel out the whole principle that people who bring more experience to a job should be compensated for it.

Re: the pay.

In Scotland, there would be a complaint if two people on an equal job share were getting different pay. (I'm a retired secondary PTC/Faculty Head.)

I think it could be that the school preferred the other teacher but did not want to put your dh's nose out of joint or felt she could benefit from your dh's experience which would not happen if his nose was out of joint, so co-heads it is.

I appreciate his ego and pride is hurt but .... assuming your dh does not want to leave now, he should try to see this as an opportunity. Just take the job for the co-head title, try to work with her and keep an open mind. If she goes on maternity leave, he will have a chance to put his stamp on things and prove himself. He needs to be an adult here and build bridges.

Once he has served as co-head, he will have that on his CV. It will be an easy spin to get a sole head job at another school. He could also explore her fresh ideas, use the current school as a testing ground to prove the concept and spin it as his success and idea at his next interview/job.

Leave him, then he’s only got one woman to compromise with again 😂

Seriously though I would challenge him on his misogynistic attitude. When I met my partner, a man who’s generally pretty progressive, he made a few mysogynistic comments so I challenged him. He hadn’t considered alternative views and I’ve since heard him correct his friends. If you’re not comfortable with what he’s saying - call him out.

I don’t think she can be written off for only having 6 years experience either - how much you learn per year depends how driven you are and she’s clearly driven. I’ve managed people with way more experience in years than me but had more knowledge and perspective than them.

Look his comments about pregnancy and women might be unreasonable but I wouldn't be keen on this sort of job share with a teacher with much less experience being paid the same and having equal authority. Basically, they don't think he is good enough to do the job on his own. They say he lacks innovation and drive and so on. I can understand why he is unhappy. As a woman, I wouldn't be happy to be in his position either.

The OP states that she is a young teacher coming from another school with 6 years' teaching experience, and is bringing (no doubt very good and valuable) fresh ideas.

OP's husband is bringing leadership skills and a decade of experience working at that school.

From the information given, OP's husband is the more skilled and experienced candidate for a head of department job, and if they are both recruited to a "job share" he will likely end up mentoring her.

His chauvinistic comments were disgusting, but I can see why he is not thrilled by this, and particularly of her being paid at the same rate as him as a more experienced and long serving staff member.

She has been promoted to the same position after less experience (in time served terms). That presumably means she is talented, capable and the right person for the job, with the skills and competencies they want in the role.

He is mad she has achieved the role on aptitude and not just because she's been in with the bricks.

TBH he has a few fair-ish points.

1. He didn't apply for co-head, he applied for head, so it does not go without saying that he should be grateful.
2. He probably feels he would bring more to the job than she would on the basis of his longer experience, therefore he should earn more.
3. He may have been looking forward to some autonomy in a role but will have to confer with a colleague now on all decisions. This changes the whole dynamic.
4. It's disingenuous of them to blame it on the four day week.

On the other hand, his point about her wanting children soon are pretty poor. He's just upset how it's gone though so I'd correct him where necessary but cut him some slack.

He isn't necessarily as its a step up for both. You do lots of things as a HoD that you wouldn't do as a teacher and its also possible that the colleague has more experience of this.

“have a class or 2 each”

Sounds marvellous! Where can I sign up to be a third wheel in this very cushdy sounding role?

The misogyny is out of character but the inflated sense of self importance is a recurring issue.

The misogyny is totally in character then, you just haven't seen it before now.