DHs reaction to sharing job is bothering me

[Alllthatsmine]

DH is a teacher at a private secondary school, he's worked there for 10 years, loves the school and is great at his job. He works 4 days a week as he is trying to write his own book.
Recently his department head retired, the competition for new department head has been tough both internally and externally but he's put his all in.
Recently it was announced he would be the joint head of department, his co-head would be a relatively young teacher from another school, this will be just her 6th year of teaching.
They explained the reasons are that they both work over 4 days (though DH did make it clear if he was given department head he would be willing to go up to 5 if successful) and that they felt their skill sets were complimentary. DH asked more on what they meant, and the effectively said he has the experience and leadership skills but she has the fresh ideas, innovation and drive.
Now DHs reaction has been immature and really bothered me. He effectively saying he doesn't want to do it if he has to share, he thinks it will lead to fall out and he doesn't want to be forced into untested new ideas. He's also made several comments that have bothered me after they met up this week for the first time.

1. He told me that she is newly married and he asked if kids were on the cards soon (I've told him how wrong it is to ask this), she replied with in the next couple of years yes. So now he is complaining that it is a joint role but he will end up doing it alone while she's on maternity leave (confused as I thought that would make him happy!)
2. They discussed pay (again fear DH may have been the one to bring this up!), turns out they are getting the exact same pay and benefits. He thinks this is an insult to his experience. I said I think it's fair as they will be doing the same job and should be paid the same amount accordingly
3. He has made several comments of "have to comprise with a woman at home and now at work too"

AIBU to be really bothered by this reaction and to think it's disgusting. It's actually making me question everything!! Or is it fair to be annoyed?

I wouldn’t want to have a job share enforced on me either so no judgement on him not wanting to share the role.

He is in with a good chance of facing disciplinary action though for inappropriately asking his colleague whether she plans to have children. Why anyone in 2024 thinks that it’s ok to ask a female colleague that I don’t know. She probably doesn’t want to work with him either now.

She's not been promoted to the same position though - they don't want her to do it full time - they want him to be there also to mentor her. So they also don't think she is capable/ ready to take on the full positon.

He’s confirmed what they said though; he doesn’t want to use new ideas. They’ve told him they want a job share as they both excelled in certain areas, and one of hers were the ideas she is bringing. His response is that he doesn’t want to have to use new ideas… so that’s why he didn’t get this role on his own. He can’t do what they want on his own.

But the comments about her being a woman, the questions he asked… he is absolutely disgusting and he shouldn’t be anywhere near leading an organised charged with shaping young minds. Disgusting man.

Or he may just quit if not "sorted".

@Weetabbix

They have been promoted to the same position, they don't want either of them to do it alone!

They both have some experience of being acting head, neither more than the other (she did one long stint when her he's did department was out ill, DH has done several shorter stints).

I don't know her but I don't agree with pay based on years served. We don't know which of them will bring more to the role, so same it should be.

They have not hired him as her mentor. He is not a mentor to her. They have the same job role and are sharing it. Why would you call him a mentor? The OP hasn’t even said that .

In your OP you said that she was favoured for ideas and your DH for his experience and leadership skills. My comments are based on your OP, not drip fed info.

Well, he’s just proven to you in three bullet points exactly why they needed to hire a woman, with fresh ideas 🙄 He’s not very bright, is he. Pity the kids he’s teaching.

Aside from all that, if he were my husband I’d be telling him, in response to point #3, that he’s welcome to leave me if “compromising” in marriage to me isn’t to his liking. I’d suggest he take the doormat on his way out, because it sounds like that’s what he really wants.

Huh? They are both working 4 days. They are joint heads. They are on the same salary.

Nothing has been said about him mentoring her, you are entirely projecting that. Maybe the school want her to mentor him if she has better leadership skills!

Six years means that she'll have recent training, and up to date pedagogical knowledge, as well as plenty of frontline experience on current curriculums.

I've managed plenty of people with great experience, who don't accept that some things have changed for good reasons.

Agree with this. Ridiculous.

And yet women have equal rights in the workplace when these discussions are happening?? Don't think so.

Well if he wasn't such a misogynistic dinosaur he would have got the job full time .

@Weetabbix

Your ideas of this are odd.

What if they have hired her to "mentor" him on new ideas?
What if they were just being nice and helping him lick his wounds but in reality think she is better for the job and giving him co-head is just to create a softer transition.

You are speculating about 2 people you don't know and didn't interview.

I don't know her or what they are looking for so even I couldn't speculate.

I can understand wounded pride, dented confidence, not wanting to share the role with a junior colleague

But his comments about women are awful. He'll be lucky if she doesn't complain about him asking whether she's planning to have a family

I would guess he would actually be just as pissed off if a young male teacher was being employed along side him, but his comments are still awful and chauvinistic, given he’s lashing out at her gender (and yours OP).

God forbid a man must compromise with a woman!

He sounds entitled and that he wants the power and kudos rather than the role itself and it is somehow lesser if a young woman is doing it with him.

I agree that it’s likely they wanted to hire her but do also value your DH so didn’t want to isolate him into leaving, he would also probably have declined to cover again if he didn’t get the job.

It would be one thing to have casually worried about how he would handle the role if she has children, as cover can be sparse, but to ask her directly and assume it will happen imminently is totally inappropriate and naive.

Having a shared head of department is a fucking awful idea and he’s absolutely right, it will lead to a really unpleasant and unproductive work environment.

Exactly, he's being managed out.

It's understandable having a bit of wounded pride, but most adults are self aware enough to realise they are feeling that way and control their reaction, and possibly even reflect on it. He is not managing to control it so unfortunately some misogyny has leaked out. Not uncommon but really disappointed in someone you love.

How is he being managed out by being promoted? If they wanted him to go they would have just promoted the other colleague and let him spit his dummy and leave.

I suspect if the new ideas don't work out he'll be hung out to dry.

He could always say thanks but no thanks?

Presumably if he offered to work full time but still wasn't offered it then he's not suitable?

She's new to the school, he'll be there to take on the day to day drudgery whilst she 'blue sky' plans her improvements and if it doesn't work it'll be down to his failure to facilitate the changes.

Once her feet are under the table and management are OK with her the exit process will begin.

If he carries on the way he is atm he is going to have the school appearing in front of an employment tribunal fairly quickly. His questions are out of order.

He sounds awful and I pity his colleague and quite honestly you as well. I suspect the school are trying to basically force him out (rightly given his attitude).

Your husband has a very misogynist attitude. I feel sorry for the teacher that he has to share to job with.

I disagree. Leadership is as much about academic and teaching leadership as it is about any other type of leadership. It sounds like the DH has been teaching for ages and has a lot of experience in school processes which can be valuable. It also seems like he hasn’t had fresh ideas to lead his classes academically in a long time. It can be really hard to pass over existing staff who have ‘earned it’ through decades of service. They can make old really harder for younger staff who are more dynamic and progress quicker so schools like to keep these people happy.

The women will presumably have more than ideas, she’ll have evidence that she implemented them successfully, evaluated them and made a positive impact on teaching. The school obviously want to forward their classes academically with dynamic teaching strategies and the DH just didn’t have these ideas.

the DH won’t be training her up as she has precisely 0 experience has head himself. He’ll be able to make decisions about school processes though. She’ll likely have to educate him about new, evidence based teaching strategies and how to implement them. So they’ll both have learning to do from each other.

ultimately it sounds like they wanted to women but felt forced to share with the DH because he’s a safe pair of hands and knows the school well. He really might want to reflect on why they didn’t want his him and what he can change to make himself a more fully rounded head. Hopefully his new colleague can help him.