Is it fair to have a go at a friend who cancels plans?

[Honeysucklelane]

Had to cancel plans with friends yesterday, due to work. It’s the third time I’ve not been able to go, for a genuine reason each time. I’ve got two jobs, kids and sometimes I get ill.

It was nothing expensive or special, just a walk. The others still went. I felt really bad I couldn’t go. Despite apologising and wishing them a great time, one of them sent a really off message about it.

For once I stood up for myself and said that they should be kinder if a friend can’t make something. We’ve now totally fallen out.

I’m wondering if I should have just bit my lip and ignored their snarky remarks?

That’s fair enough. I understand that.

That’s not fair, I’ve been out several times with them. I haven’t let anything ‘slip with them’ because I have kids. If I’d have had another day off to spend with the kids, I’d have gone out with the friends - but I couldn’t chose them over my kids on the only day I had off in the holiday.

I understand that, but I wouldn’t have a go. Especially not if someone is ill or had to work. One of the others had to work last minute and they were totally sympathetic about it, which felt like double standards.

That’s completely understandable. I cancelled once last minute, because I was ill. Still got told that was very poor form at the last minute. So I gave fair notice / warning that I wouldn’t / might not be able to make it the next times.

Well with that attitude I expect that OP isn't too upset that you're not one of her friends. Looking after your kids can't be put into a box until a more convenient time.

Yes, in a way I’m relieved it’s come to a head. I was dreading telling them I had to work as they weren’t sympathetic when I was ill. I could have kept quiet and not replied when someone had a go at me, but then I’d only be letting myself down.

Some people are so uptight! I agree with the poster who said that friendships are not supposed to be so rigid. My friends and I have quite demanding family commitments and jobs so frequently cancel on each other, not because we want to but because life gets in the way. I don’t think YABU OP. You cancelled going for a walk, not going to someone’s wedding.

There is def more to juggle when u have kids. Op maybe you have outgrown these friends.

Getting ill and then having to work is hardly being flaky. How precisely would a non flaky person handle this?

Becoming unwell and having a job isn't standing people up.

One time she was unwell
The second time she never said she was going. She said no at the outset
Third time work happened.

So only number 3 was even possibly something avoidable.

Do you regularly get angry with friends for getting ill and for saying they can't attend something when it's first suggested because of childcare?

Rude to get ill?
Rude to say no when the event is first suggested as you know you can't go?
How are these rude?

Maybe they meant ‘stood them up’ three times. 🤔

Thanks. I didn’t want to cancel and felt bad about it.

I think so too. There’s been other stuff that’s been off, like slagging a mutual acquaintance off then sucking up to them on FB. I’ve come to realise that one person is toxic, the other is forthright, and the other is really lovely and hasn’t commented at all on me not going other than to say sorry we’ve missed you.

OP I hope reading these responses is helping you to clarify your thoughts. The people here calling you flaky seem to have no understanding of the responsibilities you are having to juggle. They are lacking in empathy, and sound quite immature in their selfcentredness.
I hope you are seeing your friends in a more critical light. You really don't need to apologise to them. Of course a single working mum is going to have daytime commitments.
Your friends don't seem to understand how lucky they are that they can just pick a day and be confident that they will make it.

Yes I remember my friend cancelling years ago at the last minute and I had a young baby to juggle. So sometimes its not that easy like the op said. She sounds genuine not sure what age her kids are.

Tbh you clearly think you were being perfectly reasonable so I don't know why you've started the thread.

Most people have suggested that yes, you're pretty flaky and your friends have reason to be pissed off but you've come back with one defence after another 😂

Are you one of OP's walking group? You seem curiously invested in labelling her the unreasonable one.
OP has explained many times that her children are old enough to leave on their own. But, unaccountably, OP wanted to spend that one day of the half term when she wasn't working, with her kids! Hard to fathom I know.
And she has explained that she did not cancel that time, she said up front she couldn't make the date.

When you juggle a lot, things come up.
Thank goodness me and my friends are understanding of this.
We would never have a go at each other, not least in these circumstances when no one was inconvienced.

OP, I wouldn't tolerate being lectured in these circumstances.
Let them off and focus on friends that understand that life is busy and sometimes flexibility is required.

You weren't able to join your friends, you certainly didn't let anyone down by not going, or prevent them from going ahead without you.

Oh and the suggestion that someone would blow off work for a walk, in a job they need, must be on glue.