Is it fair to have a go at a friend who cancels plans?

[Honeysucklelane]

Had to cancel plans with friends yesterday, due to work. It’s the third time I’ve not been able to go, for a genuine reason each time. I’ve got two jobs, kids and sometimes I get ill.

It was nothing expensive or special, just a walk. The others still went. I felt really bad I couldn’t go. Despite apologising and wishing them a great time, one of them sent a really off message about it.

For once I stood up for myself and said that they should be kinder if a friend can’t make something. We’ve now totally fallen out.

I’m wondering if I should have just bit my lip and ignored their snarky remarks?

I wasn’t clear enough in my original post. I went twice. Then the next time I did commit but was ill. One of them was very off about that - even though it was the first time I’d ever cancelled on them.

I don't really understand people who are really stern about cancelling social catchups, and who go on about how awful that is. If friendship is just another chore that requires the stress of keeping to regular appointments out of fear you'll drop off schedule, like a job or a benefits hearing, and if your friends don't understand or accept that you can be unwell or depressed on the day of a previously planned outing, then what is even the point of having friends? There's enough stress in life as it is. You might as well just remove the optional chores from your plate.

I've had a major bereavement in my family last year and as a result I'm also now a carer for another family member with chronic illness. This means I can rarely plan social appointments or keep to them these days, and true friends have been understanding and supportive. It's not like I'm cancelling to go to a different party! There was this one woman who was very offended by it and I was frankly flabbergasted, we are no longer friends. You think I should prioritise a pint with you over my family's life and health? Really?

I presume we won’t get the ages of your kids then OP?

I told them weeks before that it was half term. I only had one day of it to spend with the kids.

I’m so sorry to hear this. If you were my friend I would totally understand you having to cancel plans even last minute. A pint is not more important than your family’s health. Real good friends understand and get this. Caring for family is really tough and you deserve a break from it and time to enjoy yourself - but only if you can and it’s not another pressure or chore.

My friends with kids are chilled about cancelled plans. I love meeting up with friends, but if they have to cancel I’ll just stick pjs on and watch TV instead, I wouldn’t dream of giving them a hard time.

I suppose eveyrbody is free to decide what type of friends they want, no? I have had my share of bereavement and been a carer for illness in the past. Nevertheless, I am still not up for being cancelled on repeatedly. I'd rather not suggest meeting in that case and wait till the friend emerges from their stressy phase.

Is this correct OP?

You don't cancel frequently or every time you've actually cancelled twice in 7 months and seen them in between those times

The first time you woke up ill and couldn't manage a hike and they go annoyed with you

The second time you didn't actually cancel, they asked if you were available and you said no because it was the only time you were getting to spend with your kids in the entire holidays. So not a cancellation

The third time you didn't commit, you said you'd make it if you could, as you might have to work. It turned out that you did have to work, and you told them as soon as you found out whoch eas 48 hours in advance. It's not voluntary overtime or a zero hours contract where you have complete control over if and when you work, it's your standard shifts.

If that's the case then they are being completely unreasonable. It's not like you couldn't be bothered, or binned them off for a better offer. What do they actually expect you to do? Do a long hike with a fever? Lie to your boss and call in sick so you can go on a casual walk? Say yes to things you don't want to do? Life happens even when people aren't flakey - people get ill, loved ones need care, emergencies happen. I know a couple of people like your friends and they have no empathy, all they can think about is how someone else's misfortune (eg a nasty migraine, car break down) has affected them and their weekend plans, rather than thinking what it must be like for their friends who had to abandon coming to visit them after waiting for the AA for 7 hours on the motorway

I told the friends I couldn’t do that date in advance. My kids ages are irrelevant. I only had one day that week to spend with them, took them shopping for stuff they needed for school etc and took them out for lunch.

Yes that’s all correct. I have one day off a week, but had to work it this week - and I can’t afford to turn down paid work. Yes I told them as soon as I knew, which was 48hrs before.

They don’t have kids.

Ahh I knew this was coming. After the comments about you mum friends being more understanding. I imagine you have once too often cancelled with the excuse that as you have kids your time js more important than theirs.

That's why they're pissed off with you.

I would be too because if I'd arranged something with a group of friends for an afternoon then I have spent a lot of time and energy rearranging things. I will have probably called in no end of favours to allow me the time off. My friendship group would have done the same. And then someone cancels with the attitude that their time and life is more important than mine and my friends because they have kids blah blah blah, too damn right I'm going to be annoyed. And yes, they will be told and no, I wouldn't bother with them again.

I guess I am in a ‘stressy phase,’ work is new to me and it’s hard going learning new things without proper training.

I’d have rather gone out with friends today than been sat at my desk all day - but had to do it and need the money.

Or left my kids home alone

Right so it wasn’t this excuse that you used originally then given the fact they are indeed old enough to be left alone.

You decided to spend time with your kids instead of meeting with your friends which is absolutely your prerogative but in your initial posts you made out like you had no childcare. It only changed when you admitted your friend asked why they could not be left on their own.

Got to be honest. I stopped seeing a friend as I was fed up of making plans that got cancelled.

Imagine is the key word above.

OP has told us multiple times that she never canceled on them because of the kids. Instead she declined the invitation up front. What kind of person gets testy when you refuse an invitation because you already have plans?

She told them she couldn’t come from the start because she wanted to spend time with her children. What difference does it make if they could be left on their own? She had prior plans.

Thats really not the same thing.

I think you are not unreasonable in some respects but you are also completely failing to see their point of view. You have different values about commitments. I suspect it’s your attitude with cancelling rather than the actual cancelling.

In my experience, friends with kids are generally used to plans being changed or cancelled and don’t give each other a hard time over it. These friends aren’t parents, yes they have important jobs and lives and family too.

There was no need to rearrange anything for me. They all still went, I just couldn’t go. My time and life isn’t any more important than theirs, but my kids are naturally more important to me, just as I’d fully expect their family members would be more
important to them than I am. And I did choose (in advance) to spend a day with the kids rather than them, but they knew, so I didn’t cancel on them.

Yep I agree with drinkfeckarsebrick above OP - you’ve worded your post a bit inaccurately talking about 3 cancellations and everyone’s haranguing you on here after it happening in RL as if it’s 3 consecutive incidents in a short space of time. are they terrifically good fun when you’re walking or on nights out OP because I would consider finding a new group? Is it the same person each time who’s professionally offended? That you chose to spend a half term day with your DC instead of accepting their walk invitation - why can’t you be disgruntled they chose a date during school holidays how inconsiderate of them!

Maybe. They were totally out of order to have a go at me the time I was ill though.

It does get annoying when people constantly cancel, but I wouldn’t have a go at anyone. I’d just say you’re not going in future and then on the day if you’re free let them know you can attend. Some of them are clearly annoyed with you, whatever your reason for cancelling

What kind of person gets testy when you refuse an invitation because you already have plans?

Erm one who has had enough of the I have kids, you don't, therefore my time is more important attitude that the OP is showing on this thread....so obviously letting it slip with these friends.

I had a friend, back when we were both pre kids, who used to cancel at the last minute regularly. We are no longer friends. Sometimes one excuse is just one excuse too many, even if it's justified.

Sorry, I didn’t mean to imply I had no childcare. Just that it was the only day I had off to do something with them. I feel guilty when I’m working in the holidays, so any opportunity I can, I’ll take them
out and do something with them rather than ‘leave them home alone.’ I meant as in leaving them home alone whilst I go off out with friends.

I think you are seeing something that does not exist in the OPs statements.

Her friends seem to think every invitation they extend is a command performance. That’s not normal, kids or not.