Is it fair to have a go at a friend who cancels plans?

[Honeysucklelane]

Had to cancel plans with friends yesterday, due to work. It’s the third time I’ve not been able to go, for a genuine reason each time. I’ve got two jobs, kids and sometimes I get ill.

It was nothing expensive or special, just a walk. The others still went. I felt really bad I couldn’t go. Despite apologising and wishing them a great time, one of them sent a really off message about it.

For once I stood up for myself and said that they should be kinder if a friend can’t make something. We’ve now totally fallen out.

I’m wondering if I should have just bit my lip and ignored their snarky remarks?

Is it fair to have a go at friend who cancels plans?

No, not if they have small kids, an illness that can make going out difficult, a job with long hours.

Yes if they regularly cancel at the last minute because 'I'm a bit tired', 'I'm a bit skint' (and you know they're not really), or 'Oh I just realised I'm not sure how I'll get there, it's a bit far' when 'there' is perfectly reachable by public transport if you spend 2 minutes working it out. Which are all things I've had from people who are just flakey.

@Honeysucklelane

why were you spending the day with your kids if you had made plans to spend the day with your friends? Had your babysitting fallen through or something?

OP quite clearly said that she DIDN’T make plans with friends because she wanted to spend the day with the kids.

Honestly don’t understand how it’s considered cancelling when you said all along that you couldn’t come…

I think you’d have got better responses if you put in your OP.

‘Cancelled 2 times out of’ (however many you have been out with them in total over the past 7 months).

Because the fact that you said you weren’t available the time you chose to spend a day with your kids isn’t relevant and it’s not relevant to separate the walks from the nights out.

She said several times she had to take care of the kids and she couldn’t leave them alone which in fact was not true. She decided to spend the day with them even though they are old enough to stay home alone. Her choice to do this but making out in the posts it is because she had no childcare is misleading.

Oh yes!
I'd arranged a smashing bash for Rishi's celebration night, but no. He let it all slip away at the last minute with a number of ill-judged decisions.

What was he thinking about? I mean it's not that difficult being PM. Ask me, I know, I had it sorted in 42 days and then stepped aside to let him have a go and look what happened.

Not a lot for me to do now that the populace have disregarded me too.
Ho hum, I think I'll wash the nets tomorrow...

why were you spending the day with your kids if you had made plans to spend the day with your friends? Had your babysitting fallen through or something?

@LuckySantangelo35 OP hadn't made plans with her friends that day, she just told her friends she was spending the day with her children.

I have a few flaky friends that drive me mad so was initially leaning towards you being at least a little bit U but having read the details I really don't think you are. I wouldn't even count the 2nd time as cancelling if you said from the start you wouldn't be able to come - you never committed to it so you couldn't have let anyone down.

It's over a span of 7 months and you've been to multiple other things inbetween so it's not as if you're always dropping out - just 2 out of many events. The others still went and nobody lost any money.

It sounds like maybe you are quite busy, so did the group perhaps specifically organise this walk on the day you could go? If so, I can see why friend might have been slightly annoyed, I've been the same when it's an absolute nightmare trying to organise a date everyone in a group can do, and then frustrating when the people who were most awkward about a date are the ones to drop out - because you think oh for gods sake if we'd know you weren't going to come anyway we would have done it months ago/on the day that was better for the rest of us rather than the one which you said was the only one you could do. But even then, if it's not something that happens a lot it's a 'roll your eyes to yourself' kind of annoyance, sending a sarky message is unnecessary.

How old are your kids, OP?

There are 2 alternatives here, either the person you’ve fallen out with is a massive bitch looking to fall out with you, or she was genuinely hurt. You need to work out which it is.

Personally I hate friends who cancel- so I would have replied to the message with another apology and made sure next time I only made plans I could keep (and I would have bent over backwards to keep them if I valued the friendships). I think your reply about being kinder sounds really passive-aggressive as well, I don’t think she really needed to be kind TBH. You’d cancelled on her 3 times!

So why make the arrangement for a time you knew you were having kids. You should have said no at the outset not yes and then bail. This is the point I was making. Don't make arrangements you know you can't stick to.

She didn’t make the arrangements and did say no at the outset!

So they’ve arranged to have a walk and get angry if you say you cannot attend, even if you say so as soon as they ask?

They sounds ridiculous and annoying. OP how old are they? Are they nerdy? Because it sounds like there are some social rules fallacies happening here.

There's a big difference between not being able to make something due to work, kids etc and so not agreeing to go, and cancelling existing plans. The former is totally fine, the latter is totally irritating.

It doesn't actually say that anywhere. Yes it says she told them in advance she couldn't make it but it doesn't say she told them at the time they arranged it she could do that day. She told them in advance that time rather than on the same day. Nowhere does it say when they arranged it I said I was unavailable.

I think you worded your OP badly - not committing to plans and saying you need to see about work/kids first is very different to cancelling last minute and letting them down.

You perhaps need to be more direct with them and say something like “I can’t commit to that day as I’m still waiting for my shifts at work to be confirmed, I’ll let you know if I can make it”. Or be more proactive at arranging things at times that you know you can make.

From OP’s posts:
The second time I said in advance I wouldn’t make it as I had my kids.

I have said since then I’ll come if I can, but I can’t be definite as something might come up.

I told them in advance I couldn’t do one because it was half term and my only day off that week to spend with my kids.

Even when I said in advance i couldn’t come because I was spending the day with my kids.

But because one of them had a go about that, the next time it was planned I did say I was with the kids.

I told the friends in advance I wouldn’t be coming as I was spending one day taking my kids out. I did not cancel on the friends on that occasion, they were told beforehand.

They asked if I could come on that date and I said I couldn’t as I’d be with the kids.

the next they knew I wasn’t going to make it anyway,

I disagree.

Because I don’t understand their response, especially not the time I was ill. Posting here gives an insight into how different people view things, and from the poll, it seems I’m in the minority. I’ve never given anyone a hard time because they’ve had to cancel something, it’s alien to me. I’d just say, “that’s a shame, we can meet another time, hope you feel better, that’s a shame you’ve got to work instead…” etc

Hours the first time because I woke up ill.
Couple of weeks the second time - but I didn’t cancel, I said I’d be with the kids.
48 hours this time.

We have met up for other stuff inbetween.

The only time I had to cancel on the actual day was because I was ill. Next time I didn’t actually cancel as I’d said I couldn’t do it. This time I was going, but couldn’t because I had to work and need to earn money.

Possibly. But she’s already said they were old enough to stay on their own. Not that that’s relevant really. I was just interested.

Well said.