To wonder if DP is all he seems?

[sunniedee]

Hi mumsnetters

I’ve changed my username because I’ve posted here quite a lot and have a few school mum friends on here who might recognise me. I’m very conflicted about my current DP and in need of some impartial, honest, unfiltered MN advice because it’s quite difficult / confusing to discuss this with family and friends.

I’ve been with my DP for around 9 months now but I've known of him distantly for around a year longer because of the social circles we’re in. I came out of a relationship about 11 months ago so I hadn’t really got to know DP a lot during that but we started seeing each other soon after my separation with my ex. I know this seems quite quick but during the time we’ve been together he's been absolutely lovely, he’s treated me with so much kindness and respect and we have such an amazing connection that I’ve really never felt before - I genuinely feel like we could go the distance. He has two DC’s and I have one DC. At times I can absolutely envision us having a DC together, maybe even getting married. I feel so lucky to have met him, he is soft and gentle, which is so refreshing as my previous relationship of 10 years was toxic and unpleasant.

BUT…. There’s more context to the story which plants seeds of doubt in my mind, but I feel dreadful that I'm even saying that because he really is so lovely to me.

I’ll jump into it.. his two DC’s are by two BM’s. He's currently having problems with his youngest DC’s BM. She brought social services into the picture which from what he told me seems to be an extreme measure. Without disclosing too much information (that I know), SS assessed and said no further action needed but they’ve brought in another service to offer support, which includes parenting work for him to do. From my experience of him I’m really surprised, he seems to be such a good dad, he loves his DC's and he's really been affected by this. His contact with his youngest DC has been limited during this time which he’s really struggled with. He tried to get the situation back to normal as quick as possible so we can still have time together too, any parent is entitled to their own adult time. But his ex has been offering him alternative days to have his DC (she says to fit around the reason SS were involved) and some of them work well but sometimes they would fall on occasions that we had planned to go away or spend time together so he’s ended up missing out on seeing his DC because of this. BM says that some of these days are so she can work but I don’t see why she can’t just work other days instead.

The thing is I'm aware that SS were also involved when he broke up with the BM of his eldest DC and he had to go to court for contact. From what I can gather the oldest's BM was a bit unhinged and DP ended up getting full custody. That DC now goes to her mums about 40/60. I’ve never met either BM but I’ve a couple of mutual(ish) friends with the youngest's BM who have told me she's nice, but I know break-ups can bring out the worst in people no matter how “nice" they are. He's never spoken badly about either of his ex BM’s, which I really love about him, but from what he does say it seems to be quite easy for me to read between the lines and paint the picture myself.

I’ve been feeling so awful for him to have this happen to him twice, he really doesn't deserve it. I also feel absolutely terrible for having the slightest niggle of doubt in my mind but a couple of things some friends have said keep playing over for me and I don’t know whether to listen to them or ignore them.

AIBU to think I should try to put it to the back of my mind and focus on the positive, I know people can be different in different relationships so maybe they just weren’t right for each other?

YABU - to have doubts and wonder if there's more with DP than meets the eye.

YANBU - to think DP is lovely with me so I should keep my focus on our own relationship and not pay too much mind to the rest.

EDITED: I’ve realised my post title might contradict my YABU / YANBU options, hopefully it’s not confusing but answers based on the options above would be great.

TIA!

Social services don't get involved in custody issues as it's a civil matter. They will only get involved if there are concerns for the child's welfare in some way or they have been referred for assessment. There's much more to this than is being said.

I'm not so het up about him 'choosing you over his kids'. By the sounds of it, he had days he was due to see his kids and their mum wanted to change it to other days where he'd already made plans. If you'd booked a holiday or something for those days and she just wants to swap days, I don't see an issue with him saying no and to stick to the original days. It doesn't read that she's offering him more days, just she wants to swap days to fit in with her work schedule.

The ss involvement concerns me. What are the circumstances surrounding both children? Why are ss involved?

Isn't it JUST!

Always.

Also he's producing children willy nilly with women - and will probably do so with you, @sunniedee - and in turn you will become one of these MAD exes.

100%

I'll go with my standard...
If he's bad you're better of without him
It sounds like he has a habit of picking nutters if they're making spurious SS calls. If you're concerned about gossip then move on and you can join in the gossip. He doesn't need another nutter. Leave him be.

Or how about just focusing on her child for a while?

I’d pay close attention to this, your gut feeling about what they are implying is important.

It sounds as if the child’s mother prevented him from seeing their first child due to his manipulative and controlling behavior. Then the matter went to court, but it hasn’t been proven. As a result, it looks like he’s regained shared custody of the child, not full custody.

Or maybe stay single, work on herself and prioritise her child who’s already been through their parents break up.

Two months or less out of a long-term toxic relationship, so that this dubious character seems "lovely and sweet"...

It is worse knowing there is a child involved.

Surely if he got full custody, the fault was not with him when SS got involved?
He doesn't have to be at fault, she simply has to raise a complaint or concern, which by all accounts she has done several times and been dismissed. It is an excellent way however to put a spanner in the works, after all no smoke without fire.

I’ve been feeling so awful for him to have this happen to him twice, he really doesn't deserve it.

Poor guy. How unfortunate for him that he picked two crazy women to have children with.

Run, don't walk @sunniedee - you deserve better.

So he has full custody of his eldest child? Is that really the case?

I would run a mile. If he had 1 kid with 1 other woman with SS involved I'd run. But the fact he has this going on x 2 is a reflection of him, entirely.
He is clearly love bombing you and is manipulative and totally unreliable. Run run run run run.

This exactly

And “a couple of things friends have said”? They’re trying to drop a hint. Don’t ignore it.

Agree with this. And equally @sunniedee, the fact that you're relatively recently out of an abusive situation can make you attractive to men with a radar for vulnerability.

You say he was in your distant social circle for about a year before you got together, so that's another way he might have been aware of your circumstances.

I'd use your hard-won freedom to focus on giving yourself and DC time to rebuild your lives on an emotionally stable foundation.

What do you think your DC feels about him really? Probably they'll be glad Mum's happy and has support - a relief for any kid after an unhappy childhood. DP may well be love bombing them too, to further confuse things.

But the fact that DP has kids with two former partners - quite apart from the fact that both those families somehow went badly wrong - would give me serious concerns as to how he'd regard my own child, and the future of family no.3. And no.4, if you have a baby with him. (Not my place to say it, but please don't...)

Trust your gut instincts over your instinct to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Red flag land. You already know this though.

Just to get this right.

He has had two episodes of children's services involvement? With separate mothers.

The common factor in those assessments appear to be him.

He has been offered parenting support instead of closure to children's services

I'd think very carefully about being involved.

Social services do not intervene twice for no reason.

But his ex has been offering him alternative days to have his DC (she says to fit around the reason SS were involved) and some of them work well but sometimes they would fall on occasions that we had planned to go away or spend time together so he’s ended up missing out on seeing his DC because of this

A normal person would move hell and earth to spend the time with their children, and even moreso if there was SS intervention. How as a parent yourself, you can’t see that and you thought him choosing you over his child was not a red flag I have no idea.

It also sounds like his last partner/mother of child is not some psycho lunatic as surely your mutual friends would not be friends with her.

Exactly. He's a dodgy little fucker, and you know it, and everyone - every single poster on this thread - knows it, also.

Those friends giving you vague hints, they know it, too.

Yes, this was what I was thinking. I can understand one person maybe being a bit difficult but both?
I haven't read all of OP's posts, but am now wondering (and shall look once I've typed this) what sort of age gap there is between this man's children by the two women.

Do you really want to be his third Baby Mamma though? American phrase, but we all knew what you meant.

The common denominator in SS involvement is HIM
Both ex's cannot be unhinged
You say he's lovely but 9 months isn't long enough for his true colours to show
towards you
He may be a manipulative liar
SS do not get involved in trivial cases
A man who prioritises his new GF over his DC is not a man who loves his DC
Take your rose tinted glasses off
BM is an insult. They are Mothers of his DC
YABU

Is that what “baby mama” implies in the UK? In the US, it’s just a guy’s ex, with whom he has a child and to whom he was never married.

Generally used more by black people than white people, and more by poorer black people than middle-class or rich ones. Otherwise it’s “his kids’ mom.”