To wonder if DP is all he seems?

[sunniedee]

Hi mumsnetters

I’ve changed my username because I’ve posted here quite a lot and have a few school mum friends on here who might recognise me. I’m very conflicted about my current DP and in need of some impartial, honest, unfiltered MN advice because it’s quite difficult / confusing to discuss this with family and friends.

I’ve been with my DP for around 9 months now but I've known of him distantly for around a year longer because of the social circles we’re in. I came out of a relationship about 11 months ago so I hadn’t really got to know DP a lot during that but we started seeing each other soon after my separation with my ex. I know this seems quite quick but during the time we’ve been together he's been absolutely lovely, he’s treated me with so much kindness and respect and we have such an amazing connection that I’ve really never felt before - I genuinely feel like we could go the distance. He has two DC’s and I have one DC. At times I can absolutely envision us having a DC together, maybe even getting married. I feel so lucky to have met him, he is soft and gentle, which is so refreshing as my previous relationship of 10 years was toxic and unpleasant.

BUT…. There’s more context to the story which plants seeds of doubt in my mind, but I feel dreadful that I'm even saying that because he really is so lovely to me.

I’ll jump into it.. his two DC’s are by two BM’s. He's currently having problems with his youngest DC’s BM. She brought social services into the picture which from what he told me seems to be an extreme measure. Without disclosing too much information (that I know), SS assessed and said no further action needed but they’ve brought in another service to offer support, which includes parenting work for him to do. From my experience of him I’m really surprised, he seems to be such a good dad, he loves his DC's and he's really been affected by this. His contact with his youngest DC has been limited during this time which he’s really struggled with. He tried to get the situation back to normal as quick as possible so we can still have time together too, any parent is entitled to their own adult time. But his ex has been offering him alternative days to have his DC (she says to fit around the reason SS were involved) and some of them work well but sometimes they would fall on occasions that we had planned to go away or spend time together so he’s ended up missing out on seeing his DC because of this. BM says that some of these days are so she can work but I don’t see why she can’t just work other days instead.

The thing is I'm aware that SS were also involved when he broke up with the BM of his eldest DC and he had to go to court for contact. From what I can gather the oldest's BM was a bit unhinged and DP ended up getting full custody. That DC now goes to her mums about 40/60. I’ve never met either BM but I’ve a couple of mutual(ish) friends with the youngest's BM who have told me she's nice, but I know break-ups can bring out the worst in people no matter how “nice" they are. He's never spoken badly about either of his ex BM’s, which I really love about him, but from what he does say it seems to be quite easy for me to read between the lines and paint the picture myself.

I’ve been feeling so awful for him to have this happen to him twice, he really doesn't deserve it. I also feel absolutely terrible for having the slightest niggle of doubt in my mind but a couple of things some friends have said keep playing over for me and I don’t know whether to listen to them or ignore them.

AIBU to think I should try to put it to the back of my mind and focus on the positive, I know people can be different in different relationships so maybe they just weren’t right for each other?

YABU - to have doubts and wonder if there's more with DP than meets the eye.

YANBU - to think DP is lovely with me so I should keep my focus on our own relationship and not pay too much mind to the rest.

EDITED: I’ve realised my post title might contradict my YABU / YANBU options, hopefully it’s not confusing but answers based on the options above would be great.

TIA!

Regarding the unhinged exs, she does say
He's never spoken badly about either of his ex BM’s
So where does this come from?

You are both being unreasonable calling them Baby Mothers. So disrespectful to them, and the...I’ve been feeling so awful for him to have this happen to him twice RED FLAG

Social Services have been involved 'twice' Another RED FLAG

And saying one mother was 'unhinged' - rude and another RED FLAG

You don't really know him do you? Has he moved in? Are you attractive to him because you have somewhere to live?

Do not have a baby with this serial shagger/leaver

OP, let’s say for the sake of argument that everything your partner has said about his exes is true. That’s still a lot of drama being added to your life that you don’t need.

Are you going to call YOURSELF BM3 when he inevitably fucks off?

What would you call her?

I'm objecting to that odious phrase of 'birth mother'. It's right up there with 'baby daddy', 'baby mommy' and any person that uses these phrases is contemptible.

I don’t see why she can’t just work other days instead

So the ex should change her work pattern so you and your boyfriend can still go on the picnic you planned or head down to the beach???? 🥴🤨

You really arent thinking clearly.
Which is troubling.
Its more troubling when you also have you have your own children too.

Ss is involved with both of them.
he priorities you over his kids and blames the ex
The ex you know of seems normal/ not unhinged ie there is prob some basis for the claim...
you can see/acknowledge there has been love bombing

there are more red flags around this than i care to list.

Proceed with caution for your child if no one else.
Also get on and stay on effective contraception or you'll be BM3 by dec 2025

I took it as Baby Mother which is offensive

You know that this man is 'more than he seems', which is why you started this thread.

Don't feel bad for him. Having two separate social services interventions for his children should be an indication to that person that they need to improve their parenting and put their children first, not get another girlfriend

OP, it sounds like you've left one abusive relationship and are walking into another. You need to put yourself and your child front and centre of your life - it's hard to see what part this man has to play in that tbh. You're too vulnerable to be getting involved with another dickhead, and your child is too.

On the other hand he did have full custody but she now has 40% but still wants him to do more because she needs him to fill in around her schedule. If its not his time with the child it's her problem to sort child care.

It could be either TBH.

When I met my DH, one of my friends told me that their Dad was concerned as this person was nasty and DV to ex partner.

If I'm honest it niggled but I didn't believe it. No SS involvement although I overheard many threats from the ex of calling police or SS with an allegation if DH didn't do what they wanted.

I hated that other people thought this about DH and my family worried.
In the many years we have been together DH has not done anything that would concern me or given me any doubt that he could.
The ex has caused all manor of problems however.
The not changing plans to have child on ex say so I can also understand. In our case it was a form of control and I'm sure with the aim of trying to drive a wedge between us.

I don't know in your situation if there is reason for concern or if it is like my DH.
All you can do is keep an open mind and look out for red flags

That’s what jumped out for me. He should be missing time with you to ensure he sees his kids, not the other way round.

people can have problem exes. Some people can have 2 problem exes. Judge on what you see but proceed with caution would be my advice

Having two separate social services interventions for his children should be an indication to that person that they need to improve their parenting and put their children first, not get another girlfriend

Anyone can call SS, I could call SS about you if I knew you, that would instantly move you into the bad parent category.

Also he has been upset at times with things his ex about him to SS. I couldn’t get the full picture but I think she might have accused him of being controlling and manipulative.

If you cannot get the full picture about SS involvement with his kids, and you also have a kid, then that's the end of it surely. You cannot possibly continue a relationship with this man without having this information. Your head has been clouded with charm or cock or whatever the attraction is.

I haven't focused on anything more than this fabulous man having two children by two different women before he met you, let alone the rest of the crap.

It took me a while to work out what BM was. The children's mothers rather than ex wives I assume.

Aim higher @sunniedee much much higher and meanwhile, run away as fast as you possibly can.

But his ex has been offering him alternative days to have his DC (she says to fit around the reason SS were involved) and some of them work well but sometimes they would fall on occasions that we had planned to go away or spend time together so he’s ended up missing out on seeing his DC because of this.

On the face of this, his priorities are wrong.

any parent is entitled to their own adult time

Not really. It's very nice and I would say very important, but when children are mixed up with SS, "unhinged" Mothers and what have you then the other parent may miss out on their own adult time.
As a lone parent I didn't get any adult time unless I had a sitter. My child took priority.

Birth mother is an offensive term. These women are the children’s mothers full stop and his ex partners. If this is real you know there’s a big issue here. Social services x 2 when ss involvement is really rare is a massive red flag plus binning off his kid to see his girlfriend is not ok.

Run an absolute mile op.

This is not an unlucky accident, you do not know him well at all and when you do you will realise why SS are involved with both of his dc, separately.

You have your own child, put them first and end this relationship before it goes any further.

Let him go.

He has poor choices in partners, anyone who's had two partners in the past is obviously a lower.
Seems like he is continuing with poor choices.

Move on and join the others talking about him. If you are a friend of his do tell him what the others are saying and who they are as they are no friend of his.

The 2 difficult exs involving SS may not be of his making. There might genuinely be issues there and he is not the 'bad guy'. However this is a red flag too in itself. He could be the saviour type that likes to be in a relationship with vulnerable or damaged people. All is fine until it ends and then hell breaks loose. You say you were just out of a 10 year toxic relationship so you too are vulnerable right now OP. I'd delve a bit deeper into his exs, try and learn what you can and why SS were involved both from him and mutual acquaintances. And really slow things down. Many PPs have already commented on him choosing a date over a child visit, I would find this really morally wrong and for me would be a red flag too.

I haven’t read the whole thread but alarm bells are ringing and you are right to be unsure about things. This man has 2 children with 2 women, neither relationship has worked, he blames them both and not himself? Social services have been involved.

He treats you well and appears to be a great dad….., you have only been together a short time, of course he’s going to paint a great picture of what an amazing dad he is…..yet it sounds like he’s willing to turn down contact with his kids because he’s made plans with you? Does that sound like he’s a good father? His kids should always come first. Eventually (probably once he’s got you pregnant) his true colours will show and you will become ‘crazy ex no 3’ and you will be the one calling social services.

Run…..run for the hills.

My ex would drive the sanest of women ‘crazy’.

If someone called SS on me, I'd be mortified. If I was instructed to go on a parenting course, I would be focusing on my children rather than finding a new partner tbh.

@sunniedee

Caveat: I've only read your posts, sorry if mine is repetitive of other poster's. IMHO you jumped in way too soon after your breakup. And just because you've 'known' someone socially/as a friend does not mean that they are the same in a relationship.

1-Too much drama is never worth your time. And this is too much drama.

2-Any dad should be eager to have any time he can with his DC, especially if the mother isn't 'cooperative'. In other words, him going away with you instead of seeing his child is a red flag, no matter what your plans were.

3- Mother's work schedule is none of your business. She needn't arrange her days to suit your and/or his plans. And I don't know many jobs where you can change work days willy nilly, not that that matters in this situation anyway.

4-If he's not happy with contact, why hasn't he gone to court?

5-Claire's Law is a good idea, but no report doesn't mean no concerns.

6-Beware any person who describes an Ex in negative terms.

7- HIS CHILDREN SHOULD AND MUST BE HIS FIRST PRIORITY. And that means you take a back seat to them. If you can't deal with that, then you need to call time.

In fact, I'd call time anyway.