To wonder if DP is all he seems?

[sunniedee]

Hi mumsnetters

I’ve changed my username because I’ve posted here quite a lot and have a few school mum friends on here who might recognise me. I’m very conflicted about my current DP and in need of some impartial, honest, unfiltered MN advice because it’s quite difficult / confusing to discuss this with family and friends.

I’ve been with my DP for around 9 months now but I've known of him distantly for around a year longer because of the social circles we’re in. I came out of a relationship about 11 months ago so I hadn’t really got to know DP a lot during that but we started seeing each other soon after my separation with my ex. I know this seems quite quick but during the time we’ve been together he's been absolutely lovely, he’s treated me with so much kindness and respect and we have such an amazing connection that I’ve really never felt before - I genuinely feel like we could go the distance. He has two DC’s and I have one DC. At times I can absolutely envision us having a DC together, maybe even getting married. I feel so lucky to have met him, he is soft and gentle, which is so refreshing as my previous relationship of 10 years was toxic and unpleasant.

BUT…. There’s more context to the story which plants seeds of doubt in my mind, but I feel dreadful that I'm even saying that because he really is so lovely to me.

I’ll jump into it.. his two DC’s are by two BM’s. He's currently having problems with his youngest DC’s BM. She brought social services into the picture which from what he told me seems to be an extreme measure. Without disclosing too much information (that I know), SS assessed and said no further action needed but they’ve brought in another service to offer support, which includes parenting work for him to do. From my experience of him I’m really surprised, he seems to be such a good dad, he loves his DC's and he's really been affected by this. His contact with his youngest DC has been limited during this time which he’s really struggled with. He tried to get the situation back to normal as quick as possible so we can still have time together too, any parent is entitled to their own adult time. But his ex has been offering him alternative days to have his DC (she says to fit around the reason SS were involved) and some of them work well but sometimes they would fall on occasions that we had planned to go away or spend time together so he’s ended up missing out on seeing his DC because of this. BM says that some of these days are so she can work but I don’t see why she can’t just work other days instead.

The thing is I'm aware that SS were also involved when he broke up with the BM of his eldest DC and he had to go to court for contact. From what I can gather the oldest's BM was a bit unhinged and DP ended up getting full custody. That DC now goes to her mums about 40/60. I’ve never met either BM but I’ve a couple of mutual(ish) friends with the youngest's BM who have told me she's nice, but I know break-ups can bring out the worst in people no matter how “nice" they are. He's never spoken badly about either of his ex BM’s, which I really love about him, but from what he does say it seems to be quite easy for me to read between the lines and paint the picture myself.

I’ve been feeling so awful for him to have this happen to him twice, he really doesn't deserve it. I also feel absolutely terrible for having the slightest niggle of doubt in my mind but a couple of things some friends have said keep playing over for me and I don’t know whether to listen to them or ignore them.

AIBU to think I should try to put it to the back of my mind and focus on the positive, I know people can be different in different relationships so maybe they just weren’t right for each other?

YABU - to have doubts and wonder if there's more with DP than meets the eye.

YANBU - to think DP is lovely with me so I should keep my focus on our own relationship and not pay too much mind to the rest.

EDITED: I’ve realised my post title might contradict my YABU / YANBU options, hopefully it’s not confusing but answers based on the options above would be great.

TIA!

This seals it for me. Issues with an ex is often par for the course but social services don’t get involved because your ex is a nightmare. Plus happened with BOTH ex’s?!

OP, do you honestly think abusive, dangerous and nasty men walk into new relationships being abusive, acting dangerously and being nasty?

That's not how it works. They lay on the charm offensive and reel you in, then, once they feel they've "captured" you, the truth comes out.

This guy:

Has 2 kids by two different women - Amber flag (to mis-quote Oscar Wilde "To lose one joint-parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness")

Calls them both crazy 🚩🚩🚩

Chooses to holiday with you instead of see his kids when SS have suggested he sees them 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Thinks it's unfair that the ex wants him to have his kid so she can work 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Has had SS involvement 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Has had SS involvement with BOTH of his DC (remember these are separate women who have raised separate cases and SS have deemed them BOTH worthy of stepping in) 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

He could open a red flag shop he has so many.

@sunniedee this puts it absolutely perfectly

Ive not read the full thread, only OP’s first post.

1. At 9 months in, he’s not a partner he’s a boyfriend
2. Your long term relationship only ended 2 months before you got together, that’s not very long to process it and move on.
3. Please consider applying for a disclosure under Claire’s Law.

You don’t say if he’s met your kids yet, but it would be worth holding this off.

Ultimately OP you should trust your gut, if you think something is off, it mostly likely is.

"To clarify I haven’t encouraged him to have ‘adult time’ with me over his kids, it was just that from his perspective there were other days his DC could have stayed with him but due to this situation with SS the days altered so they happened to fall on days we’d planned stuff, and he rationalised why we should still do those plans. I’m beginning to understand how all of this sounds."

Good. You're waking up. Any man who would choose to hang out with his girlfriend instead of his children because social services (!) changed his children's schedule is not a good man. There are many, many red flags here. You feel the wrongness of it because your instincts are kicking in. Now do the right thing for your child and you and get out.

I agree with this. It would be bad enough if social services weren't involved but when they are and he's still not prioritising them over a very new girlfriend that paints him in a very poor light

It's positive that you are seeking support and remaining open-minded. Ultimately, it's important to trust your instincts.

”But I think she might have accused him of being controlling and manipulative” OP, that behavior falls under domestic abuse, unfortunately.

I bet you are a kind-hearted, likely forgiving, generous, and dedicated person. These qualities are sometimes targeted by controlling men or abusers to exploit, they will look for vulnerable individuals (although any person can be a victim of domestic abuse).

You don’t want to end up in a position where you might become the third woman requiring police or social services intervention in the future.

OP - time to put your needs first in life and focus on yourself.

Best of luck to you.

He has two DC’s and I have one DC. At times I can absolutely envision us having a DC together, maybe even getting married.

If you’ve got a DC and he’s got a DC, then why would you want to have another?

That’s 4 DC and even simple things like having one car would be an issue.

Why can’t you just take things slow and keep the relationship as more of a relaxed feel.

There is no need to get married and have more kids with him.
Then if in a year or 2, he does turn out to be a dick, there’s nothing tying you to him.

He could have just chosen bad BMs.
MN is full of women who have had kids with shit fathers and most of the time it’s not the woman’s fault.

But this would be a red flag and I would take the relationship very slowly - no moving in together, getting married, having DC or spending every day together.

The other red flag is that you got with him when you were only recently out of a relationship, which usually ends in tears.

I personally could not be with him because I wouldn’t want the drama of 2 BMs and SS.
There’s a chance SS could be involved with you and your DC too, which is not something I would want.
It wouldn’t matter if he’s a genuinely nice guy or not, I just couldn’t be bothered with all that baggage.

and he rationalised why we should still do those plans

He didn’t rationalise it. He chose the fun option. The nicer option. The selfish option.

Over his child. His child that has SS involvement. The child that there are issues with to the point SS have brought in other agencies.

He chose to get his leg over over spending time with his child at a difficult time. That tells you a lot about him as a man and as a father.

For goodness sake. Of course his two ex's are "crazy", they always are 🙄. SS don't get involved for no good reason and who are you to say that one mother should just "work other days". I imagine there is a much bigger story here and he's just sucking you in.

I feel so lucky to have met him, he is soft and gentle, which is so refreshing as my previous relationship of 10 years was toxic and unpleasant.

Oh, dear. I'm sure he manages to present well. Do the Clare's Law request.

Exactly my thought. So many red flags, what with SS being involved too. Stay with him if you want, OP, but keep your kids out of it and for god's sake don't have a child with him.

He sounds like my ex who would absolutely claim I'm nuts and my child is a liar. Both the opposite of the truth and I would strongly advise any woman to stay TF away from him. He'd come across like butter wouldn't melt. It took a LOT for me and DD to contact SS, so I would believe what your gut tells you not what your guy tells you.

Op be careful - you have just come out of a difficult 10 year relationship. You don’t say whether or not you have worked on yourself and if you know what it was in you that lead you stay so long in that bad situation:
It’s often the case, when we’ve been controlled, that we are so used to this behaviour that we pick the same type of partner again and again until we work on ourselves. I’m sorry to say it but if he is not one of the good guys he may have identified you as someone who he can dominate. Don’t entangle yourself with anyone new no matter how nice they seem until you’ve looked at you and what’s going to be the best for your future. Enjoy this new start for yourself and your child. Nothing wrong with being on your own for a while.

Well I've learnt something! I thought BM meant black mother like in BLM.

Birth mother sounds ridiculous. What's wrong with just using the word mother?

Avoid dating single parents.
Dating a single dad you'll get tales of crazy exs (which may or may not be true)
Dating a single mum it'll be tales of abusive exs.

I'd probably say avoid divorcees in general.

Surely OP means “baby mama”?

I said it makes them sound a bit thick, which it does. What would you call it? Someone using a term that is misogynistic and offensive and doing so on repeat despite being told about it - and not just once either?

When a woman gives birth to a child she is the mother. That's the only term needed.

You owe it to your child to do a Claire's Law. I can't believe you haven't done it yet!

When a woman gives birth to a child she is the mother. That's the only term needed.

What's an adoptive mother then?

I would go DIGGING OP!

Claires law is a must. And find out what you can from your social circle. Get some trusted friends to get the info if no one will tell you.

I was wondering what the heck BM means. Not that I’m any the wiser seeing there are several options.

Depending on your age, you could be in a very lonely place if you follow that advice.

But his ex has been offering him alternative days to have his DC (she says to fit around the reason SS were involved) and some of them work well but sometimes they would fall on occasions that we had planned to go away or spend time together so he’s ended up missing out on seeing his DC because of this. BM says that some of these days are so she can work but I don’t see why she can’t just work other days instead

So let me get this right, he prioritises seeing you over his kids, which you seem to have no problem with, but you think his ex should arrange her WORK around his schedule?

That’s a rather large double standard you have.

What's a BM? I mean, I'm getting it from context but it's quite jarring, being pulled up short every time it comes up and having to go "child's mother, I guess?"