To wonder if DP is all he seems?

[sunniedee]

Hi mumsnetters

I’ve changed my username because I’ve posted here quite a lot and have a few school mum friends on here who might recognise me. I’m very conflicted about my current DP and in need of some impartial, honest, unfiltered MN advice because it’s quite difficult / confusing to discuss this with family and friends.

I’ve been with my DP for around 9 months now but I've known of him distantly for around a year longer because of the social circles we’re in. I came out of a relationship about 11 months ago so I hadn’t really got to know DP a lot during that but we started seeing each other soon after my separation with my ex. I know this seems quite quick but during the time we’ve been together he's been absolutely lovely, he’s treated me with so much kindness and respect and we have such an amazing connection that I’ve really never felt before - I genuinely feel like we could go the distance. He has two DC’s and I have one DC. At times I can absolutely envision us having a DC together, maybe even getting married. I feel so lucky to have met him, he is soft and gentle, which is so refreshing as my previous relationship of 10 years was toxic and unpleasant.

BUT…. There’s more context to the story which plants seeds of doubt in my mind, but I feel dreadful that I'm even saying that because he really is so lovely to me.

I’ll jump into it.. his two DC’s are by two BM’s. He's currently having problems with his youngest DC’s BM. She brought social services into the picture which from what he told me seems to be an extreme measure. Without disclosing too much information (that I know), SS assessed and said no further action needed but they’ve brought in another service to offer support, which includes parenting work for him to do. From my experience of him I’m really surprised, he seems to be such a good dad, he loves his DC's and he's really been affected by this. His contact with his youngest DC has been limited during this time which he’s really struggled with. He tried to get the situation back to normal as quick as possible so we can still have time together too, any parent is entitled to their own adult time. But his ex has been offering him alternative days to have his DC (she says to fit around the reason SS were involved) and some of them work well but sometimes they would fall on occasions that we had planned to go away or spend time together so he’s ended up missing out on seeing his DC because of this. BM says that some of these days are so she can work but I don’t see why she can’t just work other days instead.

The thing is I'm aware that SS were also involved when he broke up with the BM of his eldest DC and he had to go to court for contact. From what I can gather the oldest's BM was a bit unhinged and DP ended up getting full custody. That DC now goes to her mums about 40/60. I’ve never met either BM but I’ve a couple of mutual(ish) friends with the youngest's BM who have told me she's nice, but I know break-ups can bring out the worst in people no matter how “nice" they are. He's never spoken badly about either of his ex BM’s, which I really love about him, but from what he does say it seems to be quite easy for me to read between the lines and paint the picture myself.

I’ve been feeling so awful for him to have this happen to him twice, he really doesn't deserve it. I also feel absolutely terrible for having the slightest niggle of doubt in my mind but a couple of things some friends have said keep playing over for me and I don’t know whether to listen to them or ignore them.

AIBU to think I should try to put it to the back of my mind and focus on the positive, I know people can be different in different relationships so maybe they just weren’t right for each other?

YABU - to have doubts and wonder if there's more with DP than meets the eye.

YANBU - to think DP is lovely with me so I should keep my focus on our own relationship and not pay too much mind to the rest.

EDITED: I’ve realised my post title might contradict my YABU / YANBU options, hopefully it’s not confusing but answers based on the options above would be great.

TIA!

Y r u allowing him to prioritise time with u over time with his child, sounds like there are lots of issues from all sides.

Why not just date? If you are still together, then maybe in 4 or 5 years you will know who he is and can consider trusting him to move in together, to step-parent and consider if you want further children.

As many other posters have commented, any man that prioritises seeing his girlfriend of 9 months over seeing his kids is a red flag in itself.

But the fact that you commented that you didn’t get why the BM couldn’t work “other days” to fit in with you & he seeing each is also a red flag.

I’m curious if it in any way concerns you, as a Mum yourself, that you have brought a man into your life whose previous parenting involved social services.

Once maybe, but not twice. Come on… this is all just yuck. I wouldn’t date someone who has SS involved with 2 separate children from two separate mothers! You are going to be the third if you proceed with this. People don’t change and I think your gut is warming you to get out!

Thanks 😊

Hmm, SS involved with both BMs, does reveal a pattern! Of course there could be reasonable explanations that they are both unhinged but my spidey says beware! I have a friend who is lovely, as a friend, but has a history of exes having problems with him, not just one but at least 2, and they all had the same valid reasons. As I said, be aware and try to find out the other side of the stories if possible. Xx

sometimes they would fall on occasions that we had planned to go away or spend time together so he’s ended up missing out on seeing his DC because of this.

This would be enough for me to reconsider. He has sacked off spending time with his dc for you, a girlfriend of 9 months. This tells you what a great dad he is.

Kids with two different women and social service involvement with both is a huge red flag. Keep him away from your dc and move on.

BM means baby mother. It is urban slang like baby father. It doesn’t carry the same meaning as birth mother.

And tells you what a fine woman she is. Deliberately scheduling days she know he can't do and blaming him. Waiting till he had a weekend planned (on one of her weekends with the child) and suddenly deciding she has a shift that weekend and can't sort childcare so he should cancel his weekend.

How does she get to organise the arrangements, shouldn't that have been set out.

Social services don't agree. After the exs complaints and an investigation they gave him sole custody, presumably because she was such a pleasant rational person.

But his ex has been offering him alternative days to have his DC (she says to fit around the reason SS were involved) and some of them work well but sometimes they would fall on occasions that we had planned to go away or spend time together so he’s ended up missing out on seeing his DC because of this. BM says that some of these days are so she can work but I don’t see why she can’t just work other days instead.

’To fit around the reason SS were involved’ and work seem perfectly valid reasons to reschedule in my book. Unfortunately we don’t have the full story about that ‘reason’. If the many red flags didn’t scare me off, getting to the bottom of that would be my priority. I wouldn’t be trying to justify his neglect by concerning myself with the behaviour of the parent who didn’t have SS involvement.

I know you won't, but you should spend some time being single.

Is he your 'DP' after only 9 months?? Surely just a boyfriend while you figure things out.

He sounds like trouble.

Date him if you enjoy his company but don't move him in, don't get pregnant etc.

Think I pressed the wrong vote button but no, you should be suspicious. In fact I thought this was my friend’s ex you were talking about but then some of the details didn’t match up. He was a functioning alcoholic but always seemed like the model dad/husband. Massive debts. Became controlling of her. After painful divorce left her with debts and her family too. His first ex was ‘mad’ naturally. Then she (my friend) became the ‘mad’ ex when he found a new partner. Police called to new partner’s home because of his drunken violence. Social services involved multiple times. But he seems like the perfect, responsible father and husband. He is a manipulative liar and there are many like this, hence why it fits my friend’s experience almost exactly. Be very careful and don’t ignore red flags. ‘Mad’ exes are seldom that - more than one ‘mad’ ex and you need to be asking serious questions and wondering if you’ll be ‘mad’ ex number three.

He chose a new girlfriend over seeing his own child? This should tell you all you need to know about him. I would not have a relationship with a man who had children to two different women. He’s lining you up to be number three and then he’ll move on. There are better men out there!

I agree with the fact that because your DP has chosen time with you over that with his Dc, for this alone would make me question the whole situation.

I just wanted to add after being on the sidelines of my own family member being in a relationship with a man who self confessed, he’d been accused twice by his own step daughter of sexual abuse and warning this family member, it was out of spite so could possibly happen again…Don’t believe all he says. The partner ended up being convicted on multiple accounts of sexual abuse to a minor and he had been abusing her from the age of 7-13. He is currently in prison. My family member no longer talks to me because she believed him and stuck by him despite having her own children, then stopped talking to me after I made it clear the evidence spoke for itself.

Long story short, if you feel suspicious, it’s for a reason. Trust your gut to protect your children.

To add, because I’ve already posted on here today about meeting my dad as an adult, my dad was violent towards my mum and she left him. When I met his new wife, whom he beat regularly, she had been told that my mum was the ‘mad’ ex.

You came out of a relationship less than a year ago. You have a child. Now you have a boyfriend who has two kids with two different women, both of whom have had social services involvement and made allegations against him?

Nah. Be single. Have a peaceful life for a bit. Work out why you are attracted to men who bring drama.

This. The thresholds are SO high for any involvement that when there is, and it’s focused on him then I’d be very very suspicious.

and you're already contemplating having children with him🙄

From the info provided we have no way of knowing whether this man is a wrongun, or has just been unlucky. What l would say though is that just out of an abusive relationship and throwing yourself into another relationship so soon is crazy ! You’ll probably be desensitised to danger signs and not used to putting your needs first. Also trusting your instincts takes time to return when you have been previously manipulated or gaslit. I agree with others that if you are feeling weird about any aspect of his past you shouldn’t be with him.

Plus she’s already thinking of having a child with him!!! Crazy!

He needs to keep a note of all these changes. The occasions she organises that she knows don't work for him are I suspect deliberate. The schedule should be set and not subject to her control. The occasions she needs him to take over her weekends because she won't pay childcare on her time, can be included. Go back to court and get the child 100% again, she's using the child as a weapon against him.

YABU - to have doubts and wonder if there's more with DP than meets the eye.

I voted YABU, as I interpreted the option to mean you are right to have doubts - it's not very clear, so I'm clarifying.

To have SS involvement triggered by one ex partner could be justified. To happen again with a second ex is a massive red flag, @sunniedee

In your position, I would get out now. You have your own DC to protect, as well as yourself.

Any man who would ditch his DC because it clashes with other plans is not a good father. From your wording it doesn't sound like you had booked and paid for a 2 week holiday abroad, it was just a night out, or similar.

PP's have suggested love bombing; this does sound highly probable. Be smart, and be safe x

(Edited for typos)

Be serious! The OP has been with him for 9 months. This isn’t her problem.

I haven’t voted because I don’t understand the options but this all sounds like a massive red flag. Worst case scenario (assuming he isn’t a child abuser) is that he’s the kind of person who attracts drama because he secretly thrives on it. How did he not learn from his first marriage/partnership and make the same mistake a second time? Best case scenario is that he really is a lovely bloke who has just been unlucky with his 2 previous BMs but even if that’s the case do you really want to be BM number three and bring children into such a complicated situation? I can’t see it ending well.