To wonder if DP is all he seems?

[sunniedee]

Hi mumsnetters

I’ve changed my username because I’ve posted here quite a lot and have a few school mum friends on here who might recognise me. I’m very conflicted about my current DP and in need of some impartial, honest, unfiltered MN advice because it’s quite difficult / confusing to discuss this with family and friends.

I’ve been with my DP for around 9 months now but I've known of him distantly for around a year longer because of the social circles we’re in. I came out of a relationship about 11 months ago so I hadn’t really got to know DP a lot during that but we started seeing each other soon after my separation with my ex. I know this seems quite quick but during the time we’ve been together he's been absolutely lovely, he’s treated me with so much kindness and respect and we have such an amazing connection that I’ve really never felt before - I genuinely feel like we could go the distance. He has two DC’s and I have one DC. At times I can absolutely envision us having a DC together, maybe even getting married. I feel so lucky to have met him, he is soft and gentle, which is so refreshing as my previous relationship of 10 years was toxic and unpleasant.

BUT…. There’s more context to the story which plants seeds of doubt in my mind, but I feel dreadful that I'm even saying that because he really is so lovely to me.

I’ll jump into it.. his two DC’s are by two BM’s. He's currently having problems with his youngest DC’s BM. She brought social services into the picture which from what he told me seems to be an extreme measure. Without disclosing too much information (that I know), SS assessed and said no further action needed but they’ve brought in another service to offer support, which includes parenting work for him to do. From my experience of him I’m really surprised, he seems to be such a good dad, he loves his DC's and he's really been affected by this. His contact with his youngest DC has been limited during this time which he’s really struggled with. He tried to get the situation back to normal as quick as possible so we can still have time together too, any parent is entitled to their own adult time. But his ex has been offering him alternative days to have his DC (she says to fit around the reason SS were involved) and some of them work well but sometimes they would fall on occasions that we had planned to go away or spend time together so he’s ended up missing out on seeing his DC because of this. BM says that some of these days are so she can work but I don’t see why she can’t just work other days instead.

The thing is I'm aware that SS were also involved when he broke up with the BM of his eldest DC and he had to go to court for contact. From what I can gather the oldest's BM was a bit unhinged and DP ended up getting full custody. That DC now goes to her mums about 40/60. I’ve never met either BM but I’ve a couple of mutual(ish) friends with the youngest's BM who have told me she's nice, but I know break-ups can bring out the worst in people no matter how “nice" they are. He's never spoken badly about either of his ex BM’s, which I really love about him, but from what he does say it seems to be quite easy for me to read between the lines and paint the picture myself.

I’ve been feeling so awful for him to have this happen to him twice, he really doesn't deserve it. I also feel absolutely terrible for having the slightest niggle of doubt in my mind but a couple of things some friends have said keep playing over for me and I don’t know whether to listen to them or ignore them.

AIBU to think I should try to put it to the back of my mind and focus on the positive, I know people can be different in different relationships so maybe they just weren’t right for each other?

YABU - to have doubts and wonder if there's more with DP than meets the eye.

YANBU - to think DP is lovely with me so I should keep my focus on our own relationship and not pay too much mind to the rest.

EDITED: I’ve realised my post title might contradict my YABU / YANBU options, hopefully it’s not confusing but answers based on the options above would be great.

TIA!

This post is so biased.

Why is it not possible that a man was with 2 women where the relationships broke down - but not his fault?

And when one of those women contacted SS he was given almost exclusive access to the child? That is significant proof he was not to blame. So count that one out. So in effect, the child's mother was to blame.

The other example where he was reported resulted in him being advised to improve his parenting skills (OP hasn't specified what the complaint to SS was.)

I think it's appalling that so many women here are acting as judge and jury when this man may not have done anything wrong at all, but been the victim of two women who tried to sabotage his character and parenting.

You simply don't know. None of us do.

Don't jump to conclusions based on flimsy evidence. The OP appears to be clutching at straws and not producing any real facts.

If she thinks something isn't right she can end the relationship at any time.

When you have a child, your first duty is them. Nothing else.

With that much SS involvement, there is no way op should be with a man like this. No way.

I'll echo what pps have said. He sounds like exh , he's had limited contact agreed by family court due to threats etc towards me (bm1) in the past and also ss involvement with his other child (from bm2). He's controlling and a nasty piece of work.

Be wary op.

And all literally weeks after leaving a 10 year relationship- presumably with her DC father.

Its all rushing in with her eyes closed and not seeing what’s in front of her face

Not a good father. 🚩

You’d be mad to allow this man around your child, having rushed into a relationship with him.

SS involvement with the first BM I believe was because she withheld contact completely

@sunniedee I can't see social work getting involved due to a mother refusing contact. They'd make sympathetic noises (perhaps) and encourage Dad to seek legal advice

I'd say there's more to this than you know

I wouldn't necessarily break up with him (at least not yet until you're sure) because of it but please don't have a baby with him.

BM = baby’s mum if anyone is still confused.

OP could have put ex 1 and 2 but BM would have been appropriate in this case because it’s the fact that he’s had DC with these exes which is the main fact.

She could have put mother 1 and 2 or child’s mother 1 and 2 but most people use abbreviations on here to make it easier.

I also agree with doing a Claire’s law request but wouldn’t take it as whether you should stay with him or not.

Most abusive men are clear on Claire’s law and if SS gave him full custody then it’s likely he’s never been arrested for DV.

That does not mean he isn’t a walking red flag though.

BM doesn't stand for baby's mum either, it's used for 'birth mother' which isn't an acceptable term.

No need for 'BM' at all - mother will do. In case anybody is still confused.

Imo if you're thinking about doing a Claire's law or whatever you should just end the relationship.

I can't believe both his ex 's felt the need to involve ss for no good reason. Ask yourself this would you voluntarily invite them into your life?
I'm sure you think he is a good person because people only show us what they want us to see untill they can't keep up the facade or feel comfortable enough to slowly start being abusive a little bit at a time. You don't even know it's happening at first. A nasty comment here and there . I'm speaking from experience. Please be wary of this man. Anyone who want to prioritise adult time over seeing his child is not really all that interested in the child. This is all a show for your benefit.

This is pretty much exactly what I was going to write! Red flags everywhere.

Whether he is dodgy or not, he clearly has a complex family life with two children. He owes it to those children to focus on them and not bring more into this mess.

Another poster who is not reading well or making up things in their own head.

OP has not explained things very well and all the things she has said are from vague sources.

If he's calling off arrangements with his kids to see the OP I agree that's wrong.

But the SS stuff is a red herring - didn't you read that he was exonerated and given total access to one child?

And that the other accusation seems very unclear?

why so picky over a minor point?

Who cares?

If the OP can't get this 'right' how right is she in her claims about the man and his past, ex;s etc?

Honestly I couldn't give a shit if BM is baby mama, birth mother, baby mother. It's just derailing the thread on every other page. And it's boring af.

Have you had time to process your previous relationship - and the effect that has had on you OP? If not, your judgement of a 'good man' or a 'good father' might be out a bit.

Despite this your 'spidy' senses seem to be tingling and you have detected that others (who care about you) are unsure about your DP.

If you're on mumsnet looking for advice just end it. Mumsnet is batshit and people who follow advice here should just pack it in. You know that's what mumsnet will advise anyway even if he was a Saint.

Putting BM instead of mother is absolutely fine.

Stop being so ridiculous and trying to pick apart the OP.

We use DC, DW, DM etc so why not BM?

If you don’t want to use abbreviations that’s fine, but many posters use abbreviations on this site and you need to get over it.

One involvement with SS might possibly just be bad luck /unnecessary. Two? A big red flag.

SS are hugely overworked and inundated with referrals. A lot get rejected because they don’t meet their threshold for intervention. For him to have involvement twice there must be a real problem. Be very, very careful.

If you did continue the relationship I don't think it's a good idea to have a child with him. So if you want more kids he isn't the right person imo

Your poor child

This. Every single word of it.

There is zero chance I would ever get involved with what you describe. I think people that move from relationship to relationship quickly knocking out kids before moving on to the next are grim af.