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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel worried about having children after reading posts on MN…?

150 replies

SaucySabotender · 05/07/2024 10:16

I feel pretty nervous writing this to be honest…like it’s a taboo subject that shouldn’t be asked…but anyways here I go.

My husband and I would like to start a family, and due to fertility issues it would have to be via donors. This part I am fine with and have spent a lot of time talking with DCP and various issues surrounding it and feel in a good place regarding that.

However as I’ve spent more time reading posts on MN, mostly the trending topics, over and over again I read about mothers who are stressed, exhausted, at their wits ends, relationships strained or broken, children who are extremely difficult to handle with behaviours that anyone would struggle with…and I guess I am panicking. Right now my life is extremely calm, predictable, very low stress outside of normal everyday stresses. I want to have a family, but I’m worried that either I or my husband won’t be able to handle it if we end up in a situation like that, and I’ll wonder what the hell I’ve done…or is that a non-issue because once the child is in your life, motherly love takes over and you’d never think that way? But of course I can only speak for myself, and it seems like so many fathers end up checking out of their child’s life. I don’t feel like this is something my husband would do, but of course does anyone think that when they marry them and have children together?

I’m not sure if this is just cold feet because of the massive undertaking of IVF…the uncertainty of success, the huge cost which would have to come from remortgaging the house, and then once successful, worrying about having a healthy child…

And then I wonder, if I’m having worries like this, am I really fit to be a mother? I feel like I would do a good job raising a child, but should I even be having these kinds of thoughts?

OP posts:
SeulementUneFois · 05/07/2024 10:20

Rationally at the individual person level, especially the woman who provides the lion's share of the effort, having children doesn't make sense.
The only reason people have them is because of the huge biological imperative/push/broodiness/yearning, which is there because children are necessary from the species point of view.

PermanentTemporary · 05/07/2024 10:24

If you want someone to say 'it's definitely all going to be fine' then I won't. I don't think there's one person who becomes a parent and doesn't have some tough times. And there are people who are living much more extreme lives as parents.

Sorry, you're going to have to choose and reassure yourself. I don't believe NOT having children is a 'safe' choice because ultimately life catches up with you. I can say that raising my son has been the single thing I am most proud of and has created the most love in me.

Peonies12 · 05/07/2024 10:25

Do bear in mind that people are most likely to post on MN if they're struggling, you're unlikely to get people posting that they're doing OK. MN is not representative of my experience and that of my friends/family, of being parents. I am sure you are more than aware that IVF is far from guaranteed, I personally would be very nervous taking on debt for something like that but respect that you must be willing to do so. You say "then once successful", unfortunately you can't assume that. You do need have to have frank discussions about how you would plan to share childcare around your jobs, how you will handle things financially etc., what you'd do if you got told there were issues with the baby during pregnancy.

Gelasring · 05/07/2024 10:26

People post here for advice. This means they generally post when they are struggling so you see more of the hard side of parenting than the easy side.

BingoMarieHeeler · 05/07/2024 10:27

It’s not taboo, it’s way more common and accepted to go on about how hard parenting is. It feels taboo if you admit you love it and find it easy! Therefore you don’t get many posts saying how great it is. Good luck with the IVF!

Original poster
SaucySabotender · 05/07/2024 10:28

PermanentTemporary · 05/07/2024 10:24

If you want someone to say 'it's definitely all going to be fine' then I won't. I don't think there's one person who becomes a parent and doesn't have some tough times. And there are people who are living much more extreme lives as parents.

Sorry, you're going to have to choose and reassure yourself. I don't believe NOT having children is a 'safe' choice because ultimately life catches up with you. I can say that raising my son has been the single thing I am most proud of and has created the most love in me.

Thank you for your response. My reason for posting is just wanting to hear the opinions of others, not telling me what to do but just their thoughts/experiences, etc.

OP posts:
Oldcroneandthreewitches · 05/07/2024 10:28

SeulementUneFois · 05/07/2024 10:20

Rationally at the individual person level, especially the woman who provides the lion's share of the effort, having children doesn't make sense.
The only reason people have them is because of the huge biological imperative/push/broodiness/yearning, which is there because children are necessary from the species point of view.

This

HowIrresponsible · 05/07/2024 10:29

Every single study ever done shows that a couples level of happiness drops dramatically when they have a child and they don't recover until all the kids have left home.

Speaks for itself.

GigiAnnna · 05/07/2024 10:29

There's always going to be minor problems and stressful things that occur with children, that's just a part of parenting. Kids can be hard work. Some people find it harder than others but most of us just get on with things and find ways to manage.

Original poster
SaucySabotender · 05/07/2024 10:30

Peonies12 · 05/07/2024 10:25

Do bear in mind that people are most likely to post on MN if they're struggling, you're unlikely to get people posting that they're doing OK. MN is not representative of my experience and that of my friends/family, of being parents. I am sure you are more than aware that IVF is far from guaranteed, I personally would be very nervous taking on debt for something like that but respect that you must be willing to do so. You say "then once successful", unfortunately you can't assume that. You do need have to have frank discussions about how you would plan to share childcare around your jobs, how you will handle things financially etc., what you'd do if you got told there were issues with the baby during pregnancy.

You’re definitely right about the IVF not being guaranteed. In our case it’s a probability of around 65-70% because we are using donors. If it was my own, probability drops to around 5-8% so that’s just a no go right off the bat…

OP posts:
sosolonglondon · 05/07/2024 10:30

No it’s not a non issue, but once the child is here there is nothing you can do other than carry on and do your best. And as you note this often falls on the mother.

Coffeerum · 05/07/2024 10:31

Confirmation bias. No one is starting a post around the topic of then having a lovely simple day with their kids.

That being said having children is incredibly hard, it’s stressful in times, it can be a real relationship tester when you don’t fully align so it’s not something to jump into lightly.

I know many people who say things like “why did no one tell me it was going to be this hard?” after they have their children.

KeirSpoutsTwaddle · 05/07/2024 10:32

If you can be happy without, then don’t do it.

If you want to, be respite foster carers. You get all the fun of parenting without the crap.

And I am saying that from a position of knowledge, before anyone jumps in to say it’s complicated!

TipsyKoala · 05/07/2024 10:33

SeulementUneFois · 05/07/2024 10:20

Rationally at the individual person level, especially the woman who provides the lion's share of the effort, having children doesn't make sense.
The only reason people have them is because of the huge biological imperative/push/broodiness/yearning, which is there because children are necessary from the species point of view.

This is incredibly cynical. Yes parenting is the hardest job there is. Since having children I’ve aged, put on weight, I’m tired, I’m constantly juggling a million things, I get very little time to myself, but it’s also the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done and I believe it gives life a whole other level of purpose.

RubySloth · 05/07/2024 10:34

You have to remember why the forum is here and it's for support, so that normally involves negatives rather than positives. Anyone seem to be boasting about there bright child gets shot down. 😂

But yes, parenting is tiring, just make sure your DH pulls his weight!

I didn't think I was ever maternal but love it, mine are now teens and would do it over again but I've had an easy ride they have been placid.

JudgeBurrito · 05/07/2024 10:34

Why do you want to have 'a family'? (I take it you mean children, as a couple are a family. A single woman and her dog can be a family if she so wishes)

I've been reading MN since the age of about 20, and at 34 I'm almost sure I'll remain childfree. I think you should carefully investigate why you want children, and check it's not just because it's the done thing/next achievement in a traditional life plan...

reelcat · 05/07/2024 10:34

Having children is the best thing that has ever happened to me. It isn't always easy but life has it's ups and downs no matter what path you choose

Duckyfondant · 05/07/2024 10:35

It is very hard. The love I feel for my children makes up for it. That's the simple truth for lots of us, I think.

Rondel · 05/07/2024 10:36

Peonies12 · 05/07/2024 10:25

Do bear in mind that people are most likely to post on MN if they're struggling, you're unlikely to get people posting that they're doing OK. MN is not representative of my experience and that of my friends/family, of being parents. I am sure you are more than aware that IVF is far from guaranteed, I personally would be very nervous taking on debt for something like that but respect that you must be willing to do so. You say "then once successful", unfortunately you can't assume that. You do need have to have frank discussions about how you would plan to share childcare around your jobs, how you will handle things financially etc., what you'd do if you got told there were issues with the baby during pregnancy.

This is a sensible post.

Have the detailed, concrete conversations about exactly who is looking after this child, work, money, childcare costs, nursery drop-offs etc well before you take on a significant debt for IVF, and proceed only if you’re in agreement.

My best piece of advice, as someone who was happily childfree till 40 but who then had a late baby, is not to assume that parenthood is going to magically change you and your priorities. Assume you will be much the same person before and after having a child. Assume your DH will be too. Make decisions on that basis.

Merryoldgoat · 05/07/2024 10:36

I adore my children but they have changed my life and my husbands for the worse in many ways (as well as for the better in other ways).

If I had known the exact hand I’d get dealt beforehand I’m not sure I’d have them.

Divebar2021 · 05/07/2024 10:37

You won’t know for sure until you have the child. I probably am one of those people who would have been happy not having children but if I needed to lay my life down for anybody in this world it would be my DD.

I think the key is finding a balance - too much of anything gets really tedious. So family help / extra help and the money / time to pursue your own interests outside the role of parent may really help

DorotheaHomeAlone · 05/07/2024 10:38

I did not have children because of some vague biological urge. I had them because I like kids and wanted the experience of parenting children - caring for them, loving and being loved by them, helping them grow into adulthood. I had one and bits of it were hard but generally I loved it and found it very rewarding. So I had another. Two very small kids was extremely hard but I still loved parenting and had another.

I absolutely love looking after them and spending time with them. They are the best thing in my life and I enjoy them immensely. This isn’t relevant to many threads so I don’t often post it. But I hope it provides some balance to all of the ‘parenthood is a relentless shitshow’ posts.

fedupandstuck · 05/07/2024 10:38

Having those kinds of thoughts is normal for people who decide to become parents, who are making an active choice to do so, in my opinion. It's not true that some sort of parenting magic happens, it takes work like all new things and new relationships. Having concerns and doubts is a good thing. People who parent badly generally don't think that they do, or care about it at all.

You must bear in mind that what you see on MN and other sites is heavily skewed towards people who are having problems that they want support with. If everything's going fine then there's not much reason to post especially as it can be see as insensitive or gloating to post about how great everything is when people are talking about their issues. So you cannot judge what being a parent is like from listening to pretty much only people who are having issues!

Endsofbells · 05/07/2024 10:39

TipsyKoala · 05/07/2024 10:33

This is incredibly cynical. Yes parenting is the hardest job there is. Since having children I’ve aged, put on weight, I’m tired, I’m constantly juggling a million things, I get very little time to myself, but it’s also the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done and I believe it gives life a whole other level of purpose.

Show quote history

Very much agree.

It's not easy but I would do it again in a heart beat. I have a teen and also work with teens/young people so I enjoy being around people who one day are in a good mood and the next hate you 😜
True, it puts a huge strain on relationship with your partner. You have very little anything for yourself. I don't mind that. I think if you choose not to, that's ok.

It's knackering, gets better when child reaches about 4/5. I will get empty nest syndrome so badly.

Irisginger · 05/07/2024 10:40

IMHO people who take a long hard look at the downsides and range of potential outcomes, and then still decide to proceed, are likely to be amongst the best equipped to cope.

It's not as though the extremes of love and distress during profound parenting challenges and lack of support balance each other out. They exist together.

You need to really want a child.