to feel worried about having children after reading posts on MN…?

[SaucySabotender]

I feel pretty nervous writing this to be honest…like it’s a taboo subject that shouldn’t be asked…but anyways here I go.

My husband and I would like to start a family, and due to fertility issues it would have to be via donors. This part I am fine with and have spent a lot of time talking with DCP and various issues surrounding it and feel in a good place regarding that.

However as I’ve spent more time reading posts on MN, mostly the trending topics, over and over again I read about mothers who are stressed, exhausted, at their wits ends, relationships strained or broken, children who are extremely difficult to handle with behaviours that anyone would struggle with…and I guess I am panicking. Right now my life is extremely calm, predictable, very low stress outside of normal everyday stresses. I want to have a family, but I’m worried that either I or my husband won’t be able to handle it if we end up in a situation like that, and I’ll wonder what the hell I’ve done…or is that a non-issue because once the child is in your life, motherly love takes over and you’d never think that way? But of course I can only speak for myself, and it seems like so many fathers end up checking out of their child’s life. I don’t feel like this is something my husband would do, but of course does anyone think that when they marry them and have children together?

I’m not sure if this is just cold feet because of the massive undertaking of IVF…the uncertainty of success, the huge cost which would have to come from remortgaging the house, and then once successful, worrying about having a healthy child…

And then I wonder, if I’m having worries like this, am I really fit to be a mother? I feel like I would do a good job raising a child, but should I even be having these kinds of thoughts?

I got so many negative comments about the sleepless nights, the hard work and the rest before we started a fat. What no one told me was about falling in love with my baby. I ached with love and so did my DH who had been unsure about having children. He turned into the best, most hands on dad.

I'm looking on from the stage of having adult children and that's when the rewards keep reaping as I share theatre and fun dates with my DD or watch a series my DH doesn't like with my DS. Having a child changed my whole life especially my career, and it's had its ups and downs but it's a huge adventure that I'm so glad I went on

There is also an adventure to had by choosing to stay child free but that's not what you're asking about

I honestly don’t know why I set myself up and had children. May as well have been a suicide bomber.

The thing is though OP. There will be some parents who agree with me and some parents who will look at me as if I’m speaking a different language. There really are parents who LOVE their life and really enjoy having children. You don’t really know what category you’ll fall in until you’re living it

Wouldn’t change having kids for the world. Most important, profound thing in my life.
There are difficult moments, in my situation aggravated by men and their lack of heavy lifting and generally being an extra child to deal with. You need a great partnership - children are like a wedge in the cracks
Acc to research, women specifically regret not having children once friends have grandchildren as a theme.
the women I know who say they chose not to children have, in weaker moments, acknowledged regret around what was in fact a creeping non choice or a choice foisted upon them by an ex partner

If you want children (despite worries), I think it largely comes down to your financial position and the support of your partner. You say you can't imagine your partner letting you down, yet you wonder how many woman can predict this – I believe if you dig deep and are really honest with yourself you do largely know what kind of father your partner will be. There will 100% be red flags, and you should know what to look for and be honest with yourself.

Having our daughter has been the best thing that has ever happened to us. My partner and I are closer than ever and make time for us. Yes it’s really hard but we share the load and I feel like we’re a proper team. I think if you are with the right person it will make it more manageable. Yes it’s the hardest thing, we are often tired and don’t see our friends as often but I wouldn’t change it for the world.

Good luck with your fertility journey.

I've always been on the fence myself and having spent an entire day's with my 2 nephews I just think I don't think it's for.me. spent over 5hrs kicking a ball about it was relentless, the moaning if we had to stop playing, the constant need for attention. I just wanted to 10mins to sit down lol 😆 I am a bit introverted so do need some space and me time. My nephew does have alot of energy though the other one is more happy to be indoors colouring.

OP for all the reasons you listed I am so glad that both my children are not having children themselves, their life is so good, it's calm, they're both financially sound and they've got used to suiting themselves in every which way. I think it would be more than a shock and upset to their lives to have children and I say that from someone who loves being a mum and, for me, so very life enriching.

I also think that, say, 30 plus years ago there was no internet to trawl through and find thousands of people's experiences of child rearing so really you were never put off from having them, it was just one of those things you did, if you could of course.

I think you will have to find your own way on this and this thread will have such mixed views you won't be any closer to making your decision. I wish you luck with whatever you choose to do.

When things are great we are immersed in them and enjoying life with our DCs. When it’s all a bit troublesome we turn to the likes of MN - you won’t see too many posts that say I’m having the best time because I’m that moment we are and we don’t need to know what the rest of the world thinks. Go with your gut instincts

@SaucySabotender fair play to you it sounds like you have it all clear in your head and what you are saying is exactly how it should be. Very best of luck to you.

That's you. Doesn't mean others feel the same. I remember my mum saying if she had her time again she probably wouldn't have had kids. And TBH my life would've been much easier without them. And you don't miss what you've never had.

I think mumsnet shows the worst parts of having children that some people experience for various reasons.

For us, raising our kids has been has been very easy. I've never felt particularly stressed or exhausted. My partner has always been a great dad and partner and having kids only made our relationship better. Our kids have never been difficult to handle. Obviously it's hard when your kids are ill and not sleeping or they're having issues at school or something, but that's just life. We just addressed the issues and dealt with them.

A friend of mine was conceived using a donor egg and it's caused lots of issues for her. She has got to know other donor conceived people through a group and lots seem to be struggling despite being aware from a young age. You need to be prepared for that.

The hardest part of parenting for me is the guilt I feel for bringing them into this harsh world and the worry I feel about wanting to keep them safe.
I remember the day one of my DC realised that one day (hopefully when they are old) they will die. My child got really upset about it. I reassured them, but the guilt I felt inside was overwhelming. It’s the only thing that’s really guaranteed in life - is that one day we will die. It feels cruel inflicting that on another person when I think too deeply about it.
So, that’s another perspective to consider, as those feelings were very unexpected for me.

My view, which may be controversial is:

• you will never experience such crushing anxiety and fear of death (your own and theirs) until you have kids. The horrible responsibility of keeping yourself and them safe can feel overwhelming.
• you will never experience the depths of love you have for your children in any other context. Also the joy at small and big things they do is unparalleled.

Hi op I felt like this and didn’t have DS until I was 40 because we kept delaying/deciding. My DS was born at 30 weeks so unexpected medical complexity and 2 months in hospital during covid lockdown. I work full time in a senior role and he is in nursery and is 3 next week. It has been really hard on my physical state, mental state and my marriage.
It is getting better now so I think you just have to resign yourself to a potentially tough period while they are small depending on how it all goes and what they are like.
I wish I had talked more with DH about sharing the house load, how to manage 2 full time jobs, how to manage sleep deprivation when it gets bad on that first 18 months, how to maintain some time to yourself on both sides so you can reset yourself regularly.
Looking back, I wish I had just done it sooner as the mental weight of worrying about should we/shouldn’t we brought me no closer to an answer.
I also wish I could work less so I would be less pressured and see DS a bit more.
My DS is a shining light in my life. The unique feeling of loving a child and them loving you back is so special. As long as you go in with your and DH’s eyes open to the challenges and agree to be flexible and support each other, you will be fine. Even thinking about this at this level shows how much you would care. You sound like you would be an excellent loving Mum.

Same. I love the bones of my ds. He's a great kid. I'm just not a great mum and wouldn't choose to be one if I could do it all again.

This. Read it a few times.

I’m not going to say it’s all sweetness and light and there aren’t days when you think “why did I do this?”. However, in my experience they are very few and far between.

Having DD is the single best thing I have ever done in my life. I spent all of my 20s and most of my 30s enjoying myself, being independent, and being very career driven. However, nothing brings me or has brought me as much joy as being a parent. I loved my life pre-DD and love it post-DD; it’s just different.

The caveat I would insert is I have a supportive DH and family close by. I can and do take time away for myself and to see friends and DH does likewise. We also have a very good household income, which does make life easier (we can afford a cleaner, for example).

I just cannot imagine my life without her, even the whining and the refusal to sleep at bedtime!

I agree, this site is usually where people come if they have a problem. Not many people will post my life is wonderful, having children is so easy will they. I often read posts on here, how new mothers will still be in their pyjamas, not showering or having a hot drink for months after the birth. This wasn't my experience at all. I was up showered and dressed every day, met up with friends ( was actually a bit bored on MAT leave, and had too much time in my hands). I went on hen weekend when dc1 was a few months old. However, that said, it depends on the baby, the person you are, the support you've got, etc. I've had friends who have struggled and found it relentless. Others have really enjoyed motherhood. My dh was very hands-on, got up for night feeds, looked after dc alone, and dropped them off to nursery. He makes the dc packed lunches, etc. Basically, we share the child care load.

And sometimes mot even then.

I should also add my boys are by far the best thing in my life, I love them more than I ever thought you could love another human being, and I wouldn't change having them for anything. They make me laugh. They make me cry, but they truly are wonderful.

As others have said, you get a biased view here because people are largely asking fir advice or need space to let off steam. Nobody is going to post "just thought I'd let you all know that I am breastfeeding my baby uneventfully " or "my teenagers went to school today, came home, did their homework, had dinner, cleared the table, watched a bit of tv and went to bed" are they? But if you're struggling with breastfeeding or your teens are playing up you want to talk about it with others who are, or have been in similar situations. So as an observer you can get the impression that everyone has a terrible time breastfeeding or has teens who are off the rails. Add to that the fact that posting positive things about your child is often seen as insensitive or bragging and it isn't surprising that things look rather bleak. In reality, whilst of course everyone has ups and downs, there is more positive thsn negative for most people. Nobody would ever have more than one child if it was as bad as all that!
That said, I think it is good to be aware that parenting isn't all soft focus Instagram photos and that it is ok to find it hard sometimes and not to be happy all the time.
I love my now adult kids very much and on the whole parenting them has been great - but not all the time. I think we need to recognise that and not place unreasonable expectations on ourselves or other parents.

Yes it can be hard but I wouldn't want to be without them. Life is very long either way, but with them in it it's better.

Well, I have a football-obsessive 12 year old and I can assure you that neither I nor his dad have ever spent five hours, or anything remotely like it, kicking a ball around with him. That’s what his friends and his football club are for! And, whatever it is I’m doing with him, if I want time out, I will take it, and moaning about me doing so won’t get him anywhere.

Which is no reason to reconsider which side of the child/no child fence you’re on, obviously, but a once-off day with other people’s children when you seem to feel you can’t say no to incessant demands isn’t really necessarily much of a guide to what your life would be like as a parent.

I think it's a sign of a great parent when you have these worries and concerns. A lot of people go into parenting with magical fairytale dream of being a mum or dad. In reality, it is life changing and really hard work. I had an awful pregnancy and my baby was premature but she is happy and healthy now at 10 years old. It does put a huge strain on your relationship (my marriage didn't last) and it restricts you if you're used to a lot of freedom.

However, I can hand on heart say being a mum has been the making of me. I've never known love like it. I'm so proud of my daughter and she brightens up my life. You come across many challenges throughout parenting but you learn how resilient you are and how you can deal with these things.

It's much better to be aware of the potential tough times than to think it's going to make your life magical and wonderful. It's grim at times. But so rewarding.