to feel worried about having children after reading posts on MN…?

[SaucySabotender]

I feel pretty nervous writing this to be honest…like it’s a taboo subject that shouldn’t be asked…but anyways here I go.

My husband and I would like to start a family, and due to fertility issues it would have to be via donors. This part I am fine with and have spent a lot of time talking with DCP and various issues surrounding it and feel in a good place regarding that.

However as I’ve spent more time reading posts on MN, mostly the trending topics, over and over again I read about mothers who are stressed, exhausted, at their wits ends, relationships strained or broken, children who are extremely difficult to handle with behaviours that anyone would struggle with…and I guess I am panicking. Right now my life is extremely calm, predictable, very low stress outside of normal everyday stresses. I want to have a family, but I’m worried that either I or my husband won’t be able to handle it if we end up in a situation like that, and I’ll wonder what the hell I’ve done…or is that a non-issue because once the child is in your life, motherly love takes over and you’d never think that way? But of course I can only speak for myself, and it seems like so many fathers end up checking out of their child’s life. I don’t feel like this is something my husband would do, but of course does anyone think that when they marry them and have children together?

I’m not sure if this is just cold feet because of the massive undertaking of IVF…the uncertainty of success, the huge cost which would have to come from remortgaging the house, and then once successful, worrying about having a healthy child…

And then I wonder, if I’m having worries like this, am I really fit to be a mother? I feel like I would do a good job raising a child, but should I even be having these kinds of thoughts?

Being a parent is hard. There's no breaks, no finish, no annual leave.

You are pregnant for 9 months, give birth, then are committed to caring for a defenceless tiny human being straight away, regardless of your need to physically recover, and you will be sleep deprived.

Regardless of how much support you have, you will have moments, days or even weeks where you might think to yourself you can't do it. When your baby is having a sleep regression and waking up everytime you put them down, waking every 30 minutes for a week straight. When they're poorly and they just want to cuddle, abd scream when you put them down because you need to go to the toilet.

However, the love you will have for your child tops it all. The way they smile at you, the way you are the whole world to them, the love they have, the comfort you can give to them just from a stroke on the head or a kiss on the cheek.

The endless giggles when you do something minor like blow a raspberrie, the wonder in the face when they see something new or magical.

mothers who are stressed, exhausted, at their wits ends, relationships strained or broken, children who are extremely difficult to handle with behaviours that anyone would struggle with…and I guess I am panicking. Right now my life is extremely calm, predictable, very low stress outside of normal everyday stresses.

This is basically it. Nobody with kids will tell you in real life, because it's admitting that the thing that they did, the very permanent decision that they can't take back? Sometimes they'd definitely take it back. It's a nonsensical biological drive that we have built up to an elevated status, for no good reason.

It will absolutely affect your quality of life, your skin, your sleep, your career, your teeth, your nerves, your free time, your holidays and any travel plans and your bank balance. Being a good parent will require you to be selfless when you have nothing left, it will rinse you! Having said that, it's also a great joy in equal measure, I reckon it kind of just about balances itself out.

I think it comes down to expectations too, what you expect your life to look like after having a child, what you expect your Dh's life to look like and what he thinks his and your life will look like.

This mismatch of expectation is where it can feel like an uphill battle, some women are left on weekends whilst the bloke swans off to (insert "hobby" or watching/playing football, golf, cycling, gym) or on maternity leave they somehow forget you are physically, mentally and emotionally recovering from a pregnancy and birth and somehow also forget you have a baby to look after but expect you to do all the household chores and put a meal on the table when he comes through the door.

Conversations need to be had about all of that and finances too.

I am out the other side, my youngest child is 18 and will be going off to uni this September. What I can say is that I never experienced the above. Dh was fully hands on from day one, helped with night feeds not the breastfeeding but the winding, changing and resettling, we worked in shifts at home, tag teamed when one of us was feeling overwhelmed. Even as a sahm I had a lie in every Sunday, Dh had one every Saturday. He spent one on one time with each child over the years and built an incredible relationship with them both. He is an equal parent, despite me being a long term sahm and this was mainly driven by how hands off his own Father was and how distant they were.

I joined MN when I struggled to breastfeed Ds2 18 years ago. It is skewed toward people seeking advice. When people are complaining about their marriage I would hardly wade in with well mine is simply wonderful, Dh is my best friend, he is kind, nothing is too much to ask of him or that my children are well behaved, high academic achievers, self motivated like their Dad. All true but not helpful to lots of threads.

It is the hardest thing I have ever done, the world is cruel, children are cruel to your children and you can't protect them from everything. All my friends have no regrets about having children.

Also unrealistic expectations of what your children will be like. They won't be little darlings who run around in dungarees telling you they love you.

They are selfish, self absorbed entities who care only about themselves- because they're only children.

Ever tell your mum you hated her? Exactly. Most kids probably did even if of course you didn't mean it

Running yourself into the ground for them whilst they couldn't care less is hard.

Parents I know who struggle have no help.

Parents who find it quite easy have a lot of help. It's that simple.

If you have family who can often take a baby from you, so you can catch up on sleep, or if you employ a night nanny, then you won't be exhausted at all. And it goes on.

Plenty of mothers have time to exercise, sleep more or less enough, have a great body. Your life doesn't have to stop when you have a baby.

Just be realistic over the actual support you can use. Sharing the load equally with your husband only is not enough - I mean it's the minimum, but it's not "help".

To add, you need to be realistic. You don't replicate your single free life when you have a baby. It does not work.

People who think they can go on their usual holiday with a baby or toddler quickly realise it. That said, holidays with my kids are the best time of my year, and since they were born. We just book different holidays, never plan to be stuck in a small hotel room when it's 40 degrees outside, rent a flat instead.. little things, but if you think convenience and how it works, it's great.

Your worries are valid OP. I have similar concerns and am going through ivf now. I sometimes wonder why I’m doing this when I could instead be traveling the world and having fun!

i think having children is like rolling the dice as there’s so much you can’t control but what moved the needle for us is that I’d love to have a family and we’d always wonder if we didn’t do it out of fear of things going terribly. Also we have a lot of support and are financially secure and can afford for me to not work and have child care. So all in all I think we can manage it. I think if financially it would be a big stretch I wouldn’t do it frankly.

Fundamentally it comes down to one very real question. No matter what happens in your relationship, your life, the challenges that any potential child may arrive with. With all of that in mind, do you still want to be a parent?

Because nothing is guaranteed and everything is pure bloody luck. You can do all the right steps you have the perfect person, but life and universe doesn't care.

I always had in my head the answer yes. Maybe everyone doesn't. But if any is a hard no, then respectfully it is telling you that this may not be where you are at this moment.

I fully respect people who have to engage with IVF, but it does bring extra mental and emotional load. Have you access to any counselling to dig into your thoughts? Sometimes an external physical conversation can help tease out what is deep down your feelings?

Perhaps your brain is noting concerns to protect your emotions should success not being achieved ? Our brains and emotions are very adapt to protecting us. While also making decisions such as these horribly difficult.

Whatever your decision I wish you good health and ease of mind.

Ok…I looked forward to all those things too. All things I enjoyed, saw my nieces and nephews enjoying.

But we have two kids with SEN. One hates the forest, both hate the beach, neither has the attention span to watch a film with us, one can’t paint/draw due to motor control issues and the other isn’t interested.

Instead we play Lego (so so much Lego), we do sensory play, we play the same completely repetitive games over and over, and I can’t work because they have so many therapist appointments/meetings with school/days they can’t cope and don’t go in etc.

So parenting is completely different to what I expected and looked forward to.

I love my kids, I do my best for them, and they bring all sorts of joy into my life. But if I was doing it all again I would not have children.

If you have the tiniest bit of doubt then I would not do it.

Well, parenting can be hard but I consider myself lucky since my children are (relative) angels. I’d be the first to say how lucky I am. And maybe it’s why I had four. My children are all quite placid and kind people who don’t like arguments.

But the most important thing to consider is whether you will enjoy being a parent. A lot of parents don’t seem to like their children. People like that probably shouldn’t have had any.

I may get roasted for this but I feel a lot of the stress some women feel is from having kids with partners who do not pull their weight.
If you have someone that already does their fair share of housework, mental load etc then likelihood is this will carry on. If you’re already with a lazy fecker then he will always be a lazy fecker and adding a baby into the mix makes things super stressful. You need a good partnership or support network.

When I was younger I wanted to have lots of kids... about 4 or 5 and had this totally idealised version of what it would be like. Then as I got older and watched my friends actually having children and all the ups and downs that went hand in hand with that I was a lot more cautious and it was something I gave really serious consideration to before dh and I decided to try. I'm really glad I met dh later and went into it less naieve, I think it made it easier in some respects.

Personally I think that equipped me to go into parenthood with my eyes open. I had more reasonable expectations of myself and I think it helped me find grace for myself because I knew while I was doing something many other people had done I was also doing something hard and intense and that would mean a total change of my life.

Having ds was the best thing I've ever done - the hardest absolutely especially in terms of the impact on my marriage with the sudden drop in time you have for each other- but the best. I think you're wise to go in cautious, to make sure it's what you want and to make sure you're informed on what it's really like.

I would also say mumsnet is like Internet reviews - people are much more likely to come on here and tell you about the bad stuff because they're asking for help and support whereas the lovely, happy, easy bits they have no real need to share. It's different for everyone and of course there are some women who do struggle massively and who don't find it a positive experience but I think for most the good outweighs the bad.

It's also worth saying that many parents who undergo help to have a baby whether through ivf or other routes can be more likely to be impacted by depression when baby arrives and that's probably due to feeling like they should be 'grateful' that they should feel perpetually 'lucky' and may feel guilty about speaking up when it's hard which is normal. So I think this is standing you in good stead op. Wishing you all the best no matter what you decide.

I think having children is very over rated. There are a hell of a lot of sacrifices and implications that you just don't realise before you have them. It's SO much easier not to bother. Also there are grave concerns for our children environmentally-speaking, plus you say you're remortgaging..?😱 It would be a no from me.

Just from my experience, having children has been the hardest and most stressful and tiring, and most profoundly joyful and exciting thing I have ever done. It is a roller coaster of highs and lows, of them telling you 'I hate you' and 'I love you', or being so proud of them that you thing you ate going to pop, to being so worried about them that you are in tears.

The biggest single factor for how it will be for you is your personality and that of your partner, your relationship and how you work together as an equal team. We have been through some horrific times when we thought our youngest wouldn't make it, with severe PND, job losses etc but our equal and supportive relationship is what held us strong. The single biggest moan on here is partners who do not pull their weight - around the house and with childcare, ones who expect you to do more or know more because you are a women, ones which quit when the going gets tough.

You cannot predict the child you will get, but you can predict the sort of father your partner will be. Do they do an equal share of the housework, do they support you in your career, are they respectful in their opinions of women, are they are mummy's boy who expects you to do everything, will they step up and do night feeds regardless of them going to work the next day, are they good with friends children, honest reliable etc.

If you expect your life to be the same after becoming a parent then you're lying to yourself. It is common sense. ATM you're not experiencing the effects of pregnancy hormones, breastfeeding, nappy changes, caring for a life 24/7,etc . Naturally life will be different !! Nothing to do with what you read on mumsnet.

The fact you are asking these questions I think means you would indeed be a good mum - you're carefully considering outcomes and that's a good thing. Now, I have two children (7&8) and it is like watching your heart walk around outside your body - amazing and terrifying in equal measure. I would never choose to be without them, never, no matter how much anxiety, exhaustion, overwhelm or sleepless nights it has cost (and will continue) to cost me. They're worth every bit of it ten times over. Its no bed of roses and its not for the faint of heart BUT its magical and you will never feel a love like it. Only you can decide but on balance yes, its putting yourself through a whole lot of stuff for them. Can you do that?

Agree with this. You enter into parenthood thinking you'll share 50% of the load with the other parent. In reality, most of it falls on the mum. And if you separate, it's likely that 95% of the load will fall on you!

Having a child has been hard at times, but not once have I regretted doing it. I'm only having one because I think it's the best balance for me, but not because child rearing is miserable. The first year was a rollercoaster of super high and low, the next year was a lot of easier but still had some tricky bits. Now he's almost 3, life is really good and the lows are mere blips in our time together.

The biggest factor in how hard or easy parenting is, is the man you choose. My husband is truly an equal partner in every respect and is never resentful if he has to put me or our son before himself. Before we had children, we made sure we discussed and agreed on all aspects of work, finances, morals and how we wanted to raise our child.

If you long for children, you'll do whatever it takes to have them. After 2.5 years of natural and IVF and now a referral to recurrent miscarriage clinic, I'm still as desperate to have children as I was when I started trying.

Timing is everything. If I’d had kids when I was 28 I would’ve hated it. When I was 38 I was ready.

Don't regret it and DD is amazing but nothing in the world would ever make me have a second. I genuinely regret not getting my tubes tied during the c-section but back then it would have been impossible to know this.

My theory after observing all lot of friends & family going through this same transition is that women simply have varying capacities to put up with disappointment and misery. The everyday reality of having children is shitty and relentless across the board. Anyone trying to project a different image to the outside world is simply deluding themselves. The majority of men are useless and do far less than you assume behind closed doors. Even if you're fortunate enough to have a very hands on partner, it doesn't mitigate other factors like financial issues, childcare, sickness, school problems, constant chaos etc.

Some women have a very high resilience for how badly they are treated by others but they still manage to put on a smile, get up every day and keep the show going. We all know couples where the man is a useless piece of shit but she only posts beautifully posed, happy family pictures on social media with fluffy, uplifting captions. Every birthday has a balloon arch, fancy themed cake, etc. Some women are so intent on holding their image of a perfect family together that they are willing to be the only glue doing that. Other women are not so tolerant and those are the ones where relationships start to crack, resentment builds up and things eventually break down.

Some couples don't split but the marriage becomes irreparably damaged. Eg It's shockingly common for a woman to gain weight and forever hate her own body after birth, or be left with permanent birth injuries and incontinence. Some partners manage to stay together for decades but have never had sex since the birth of their first or second child because the wife was effectively disfigured in the process (in the case of birth injuries). Nobody ever talks about stuff like this but it's a very relevant and important part of considering life with children.

Another thing about life with kids is that you effectively become a child yourself and a prisoner in your own home. You will never be able to spontaneously make plans again, especially evening and overnight ones. Even a single night away means a crazy amount of effort before and afterwards. You live in a permanent state of being forced to feel gratitude for the small crumbs of kindness other people throw at you, when in reality it's not even a remotely unreasonably to request a break. However as a mum, people expect to you to be fully refreshed, sparkling and grateful for life to be given one spa "treat" per year. Some women are fine with this, they adjust their expectations and are fine with reframing their one brief taste of freedom as the most amazing highlight in their whole year.

Similarly, the amazing moments you have with your kid(s) are few and far in between. A day out might have a few truly magical memories but sandwiched between hours of packing, driving, moaning, crying, someone getting carsick, etc. You have to take those few moments of magic and make them stretch out to fill the hours and hours where life with kids is just relentless and not very fun.

The decision to have kids is basically accepting the responsibility that your needs will forever be second to that of your family. It takes a lot of mental work and energy to accept this, and execute this, with grace and genuine happiness.

Do borrow my doggy and look after a dog for days or weeks. See how you get on.
If you want life calm and controlled then do not have kids!
If you manage well in any crisis and take life as it comes, with kids it will be literal shit and vomit.... you will be fine.

My first born son is severely autistic and life is very hard for him and subsequently hard for us too. He’s an adult now. I love him dearly, I’m very over protective of him and I don’t think there’s a minute of the day when I’m not thinking or worrying about him. My younger two children have had very different lives to their peers which I feel guilty about but when one child takes up most of your time it’s inevitable . I guess because of this I always say if I had my time again I definitely would not have any children. I have a sister who doesn’t have children and I envy her life do much. Then again it’s a love like you’ve never known before and children can bring so much joy. My eldest daughter is in her 30’s and doesn’t want children, again she’s a teacher and works with kids with SEMH so I guess that has been a decider in her decision. My younger two, late teens have both said they don’t want children although of course they’re still very young. I think it’s a big decision and one that has to be thought about very carefully.