to feel worried about having children after reading posts on MN…?

[SaucySabotender]

I feel pretty nervous writing this to be honest…like it’s a taboo subject that shouldn’t be asked…but anyways here I go.

My husband and I would like to start a family, and due to fertility issues it would have to be via donors. This part I am fine with and have spent a lot of time talking with DCP and various issues surrounding it and feel in a good place regarding that.

However as I’ve spent more time reading posts on MN, mostly the trending topics, over and over again I read about mothers who are stressed, exhausted, at their wits ends, relationships strained or broken, children who are extremely difficult to handle with behaviours that anyone would struggle with…and I guess I am panicking. Right now my life is extremely calm, predictable, very low stress outside of normal everyday stresses. I want to have a family, but I’m worried that either I or my husband won’t be able to handle it if we end up in a situation like that, and I’ll wonder what the hell I’ve done…or is that a non-issue because once the child is in your life, motherly love takes over and you’d never think that way? But of course I can only speak for myself, and it seems like so many fathers end up checking out of their child’s life. I don’t feel like this is something my husband would do, but of course does anyone think that when they marry them and have children together?

I’m not sure if this is just cold feet because of the massive undertaking of IVF…the uncertainty of success, the huge cost which would have to come from remortgaging the house, and then once successful, worrying about having a healthy child…

And then I wonder, if I’m having worries like this, am I really fit to be a mother? I feel like I would do a good job raising a child, but should I even be having these kinds of thoughts?

There are lots of worthwhile things that people do that are hard work. Being prime minister, doung a PhD, starting a company, renovating a house, running a marathon, having children. We do them because they are rewarding, and they are rewarding precisely because they are hard and we overcome challenges along the way.

Some people find having a child too hard work and too stressful, some people revel in it and have a large chaotic happy family. Think carefully about what you like, and how well you cope with unexpected events. Forget the Hallmark parenting images of walking in the woods with beautifully dressed children, how will you cope with the following during the walk in the woods 1) poonami 2) child who has a tantrum because you won't let them throw pebbles into the water for 1 hour 3) child who sits down and refuses to walk any further because they are hungry/thirsty 4) child who get a bee sting and screams and cries for half an hour because of the pain 5) child who falls in a puddle and gets wet 6) teenager who refuses to come on the walk because they have a hangover. None of these are unusual events on a walk with children. But you do it because at some point the stars align and your (older) kids start telling you about their memories of fun things they did when they were kids and they will mention that time their sister fell in the puddle and then their Dad painted on himself with mud to make her feel better and you'll forget about the 101 walks that felt like endurance events as the children tag teamed winding you up.

Your first para is fair comment. I was thinking from the point of view of having brought up your child with love and done your best for them to have it thrown back in your face. It does happen.

First off, bear in mind you will disproportionately see the problem end here - no one's going to start a thread about their baby who sleeps through the night, or their toddler who is no trouble at all or how much better their marriage has been since they had a newborn. That doesn't mean that plenty of people aren't experiencing those things.

I'd say from my experience, only about 10% of parents I know have had a baby that is a seriously problematic sleeper for a long period. Serious, long-term debilitating sleep deprivation is rare. A period of of it with a newborn, no, not uncommon (but not a certainty either), but it's really a very short time and it passes.

I'd say a lot of coping with babies/small children as a couple depends on money or support network - if you have a grandparents nearby who can babysit (as we did), or you can afford babysitters once a month or so, that takes a lot of stress out of relationship and generally coping with the life change. Also having realistic expectations - we kind of slowed down our social life a bit in the run up to starting a family so we weren't going from 100-0 in 60 seconds when a baby arrived.

I never post about my kids on Mumsnet, mainly because it’s been pretty plain sailing. They’re good, sensible and easy children, always have been. But I’d look smug coming on here to post that. You’re going to hear far more about difficulties if somebody is posting.

Yes children can introduce difficulty into a marriage, I know of others that have broken due to having kids, but there has been problems with communication and compatibility anyway. If you’re solid you should be ok. I think children exacerbate what’s already there.

I felt very like you before having children, but all has been fine so far. But we don’t parent in any extreme way (they know the word no, for example).

It’s been lovely for the most part, I love listening to my husband muck about with them, and have a lot of pride in how we’ve all turned out.

Also parent in a way that makes you happy. We are really silly with them and have a laugh, whereas I thought before we should be ultra sensible and responsible adults. Make it fun for all of you.

I understand what you mean.
I also look around me in real life at a lot of adult children and their relationships with their parents and a lot hardly see their parents, or resent their parents, or just tolerate them rather than enjoy their company. A lot just using their parents for childcare and criticising them because they think they are doing it ‘wrong’.

I see hardly any people who willingly want to spend time with their parents and enjoy their company, they are in the minority, maybe it’s the town I live in. But it does make me worry about my own future with my children.

Although we all say that we parent to give them skills for life and set them free to live their lives, I don’t think any of us want to hardly see our adult children, which does often happen. So it’s something to consider. It doesn’t always work out as a rose tinted family for life when you have children.

OP, I was desperate to have a child for many years. Eventually met someone, and had IVF which was successful. I thought I had what I'd always wanted, but my baby was really difficult, had undiagnosed reflux, didn't sleep, couldnt establish any routine, and I had bad PND which I didn't discuss with anyone. I spent 6 months crying and exhausted, wishing I could go back to my old life, and never in a million years would I have thought that would be me.

But - things did get better and I started to enjoy my baby. Things have not been easy - she was a very anxious child with undiagnosed ASD and has had some MH issues, and there have been times I've thought I could have not had these worries if I'd stayed childless. But I'd have missed out on so much more, so don't regret that IVF for a second. Good luck.

You have good days and bad days when parenting, same as in any other aspect of your life. My children are simultaneously the source of both my greatest stress and greatest joy in my life I sometimes think, both at the same time! I was expecting it to be tough, and I was expecting it to be tiring. I wasn't quite prepared for the relentlessness of it the first time, but also I wasn't expecting to enjoy it as much as I have/do either or just how much fun it can be. They give me reason to laugh and smile every day, even the tough days there's something good. As pp's have said this site is for support, it's not representative of everyone's experiences. It might not even be truly representative of the poster's experience in that its from a snapshot in a time of their life where its gotten too much and they need help which they can't otherwise get for various reasons. For me, the good outweighs the bad by a considerable amount, and so far the bad days have largely been down to someone being too tired (whether me or the kids) or misunderstanding/poor communication. I'd do it again in a heartbeat, & if I could live my life again I'd probably start a bit younger if possible and then maybe even have had more.

@Epicaricacy Again you’re being untruthful and obtuse. Being physically fit and in shape does not mean your body is unscathed from pregnancy/childbirth.
I’m 6 months postpartum and weigh less now than before I was pregnant through diet and exercise. In a lot of weighs healthier. However no matter how much weight I lose I won’t get rid of my stretch marks completely even if they fade. I won’t get rid of my C-section scar slight overhang even if I was teeny tiny skinny because of how it’s cut.
Even fitness mums have stretch marks, c section scars or breasts not as full or bigger/smaller after breastfeeding.

It’s not impossible but it’s very rare to go through pregnancy and birth and body look exactly the same and better.

To say it does doesn’t help women. Most womens bodies do change and there’s nothing wrong with that. But there can be actual damage caused with stomach muscles not coming back together or vaginal prolapses. Don’t minimise the effects of women’s bodies with ‘my friends bodies aren’t affected at all and even BETTER now!’ It’s not helpful.

plus getting out the door with 2 babies is not just picking them and walking out with your bag. It’s one of the babies having a poonami just as your about to head out the door requiring an outfit change. It’s making sure your bag is topped up from last time. It’s ensuring you have made up that days formula/sterilised bottles etc if bottle feeding.

There is some mental work that goes into it.

It’s not bad per se but it’s different to being childfree.

If anyone asks me what it’s like having kids is say my babies are the best thing I’ve ever done but my life has changed, in order to be a good and present parent it needs to.
I don’t see why you can’t acknowledge that.

YANBU I hated the whole experience.

My life was utterly transformed and now she’s 22 I finally feel like I can get something back. Your life is never your own afterwards.

It’s so relentlessly boring and the drudgery. If I could do it over I’d never have had her.

Buttercupsandpoppys

why do you insist on generalising your own experience?

I get it, you are struggling a bit. I’m 6 months postpartum that's probably your problem, it's still VERY recent and your body takes more time than this to recover completely.

I do have c-section scar. I haven't got an overhang. I looked a right state the day after I gave birth, no "Kate Middleton popping out of the beauty salon" look for me 😂. The swelling did go down, my body recovered, sorry but I have no stretch mark. My scars are so low you can't even see until I have a full wax down there, I don't.

Give yourself some time. 6 months postpartum is nothing.

It doesn't help women to pretend your body is ruined for ever after having a baby, it doesn't help women to pretend there's no need to ask for help to fix what must be fixed if needed, it doesn't help women to pretend it's pointless to do anything because you are ruined. It is not true. Look around.

Of course having children is different from being childfree! What is hard is making the decisions that are in their best interest, what is hard is directing your own life in the best way, where to live, what school to choose, how to best guide them. It's entirely different from trying something for yourself and just changing back if it's not that great

But I stand by what I said, when you have an equal partner, a good support group, when you were ready and a child-free life was not for you, then it's not a prison sentence, it's the opposite.

My childfree life was a blast, I enjoyed it so much. My kids have brought me so much, my life NOW is better than it would have been now without them. It was worth staying childfree for as long as I did, so I know.

I've noticed that often difficulties occur when the adult's expectations don't match their child's needs and temperament. Parenting can trigger issues you didn't realise you had, sometimes seeing your own childhood or parents in another light can be very unsettling and make your own parenting difficult. This can also be incredibly insightful and healing though, if you're aware and put in the work.

Becoming a parent was the best thing I've ever done, professional success had nothing on the fulfilment of motherhood. I feel like I have a lot of freedom and sense of self alongside my identity as mum after passing the younger years. I loved creating magic, the family days out etc. Home educating was wonderful.

I did it all without a husband or anyone else helping so I don't personally think you need a perfect support system. Being on the same page about expectations and emotional health and discipline is very important though. You fiercely protect your children so a partner who does things to your children that you find harmful or don't agree with would be very difficult to stay with. It's hard to know your beliefs before you're living it though, but discussing it before would be a good start.

The most difficult part of IVF was egg collection and recovery as it made me very unwell. I looked into donor eggs to avoid it again. With three PGT-A euploid embryos you have a 98% chance of success.

One of the unexpected benefits of having DD is that it’s enhanced my relationship with my own parents.

I’ve always had a good relationship with them and they’re good parents, but I’m not sure I ever really understood why my mum was worried whenever I did anything with even the mildest level of risk (like going on holiday with my friends 😂) or why they went out of their way to help me when (to be honest) I probably didn’t deserve any.

I now completely get what they were feeling and why they did it (and still do it).

This is such a complicated question to answer.

The first thing I would say, however, is well done for asking it and for asking it now. Far too many people think “awww… cute baby” and jump into something entirely life-changing, or simply just unthinkingly follow the crowd.

And then, yes, they end up on MN three babies later posting because one has SEN and won’t eat anything but rice; or one won’t sleep and the parents are bickering and exhausted; or mum’s confidence has plummeted because she’s been left with an apron belly and DH has run off with the young pa at work and mum has children to deal with alone etc etc etc and on and on. Tragically, children can and do get very ill, which must be agony for parents.

But the problem is you don’t find many women who will say don’t have them from a place of experience because they come to fill us up and take over in a way that you couldn’t imagine not having them. In fact, at that point, nothing seems more horrifying than not having them. They will bring love, often laughter, but they will bring endless responsibility, financial demands, a major cramping of your lifestyle and loss of your ability to put your own needs as high up the list, and they can bring heartbreak.

I say that as someone who does not regret my dc one bit. But I have been lucky on most of these fronts and would not want to diminish the strain they can put on parents who have been less lucky. And as a mum, I understand the visceral hold they have over you, which must be something that can heighten the strain when things are not smooth.

I love my dc more than anything but the best advice I can give is the old advice you used to see in rspca advertising round Christmastime: “a puppy is not just for Christmas.” Equally, a child is for a lifetime and they really are your responsibility. They are in the world because of actions or decisions you took. And that is huge.

Some great advice here. I read on here that having a baby is like winning the lottery and having your leg blown off on the same day. As with most choices in life, it has pros and cons. Only this one is particularly binary and final. I think mostly, with a few notable exceptions, people make the best of any path they choose, there isn’t really a bad decision. A child free life is less well travelled so currently harder in a pro natal society. Mostly I think people have a consuming biological urge to reproduce which isn’t about logic or reason. And people with kids may have some regrets but very rarely regret the specific child, as it’s virtually impossible, once you have them, to imagine or prefer a life without that child. Its complicated.

A lot of the negative MN posts relate to useless male partners who do not pull their weight. I think often there will have been warning signs but these are ignored when the biological urge comes calling. I also suspect more women are ready for children (or hear the clock ticking) sooner so often the dynamic seems to be ‘ok darling I agree to a baby’ without the bloke actually really feeling ready, or comprehending the sacrifices required and the likely effect on the amount of attention and sex they are going to get. So making sure your partner has eyes wide open is a good start.

I suppose if I had to summarise I’d say everything seems to become more significant ( in a slightly burdensome way) once you are a parent.

It becomes harder to take financial or career risk. It becomes more worrying that the planet is struggling. It becomes more terrifying that illness can be terminal. Not dying becomes more of an imperative because who will mother them? Even not having enough money for Christmas presents or a holiday moves from something to shoulder shrug and think “so what?” to a huge guilt trip.

But maybe it’s also more significant in a meaningful way too. 🤷🏻‍♀️Who can say really. But it ain’t a walk in the park…

Thank you for being so honest and congratulations on how your children have turned out. My own experience supports that is something that cannot be assumed or taken for granted

I think it also depends a lot on what your lifestyle is like before you have children as well as how you parent.
Like I can't really relate to the "you can never do anything spontaneous again" comments, because we still did, we just took the children with us. But then the kind of hobbies and interests we had pre children (and still have now our children are adults) we always the kind of thing that you could do with children. Spontaneous for us would be "ooh, the weather is unexpectedly good today let's go sailing/cycling/to a historic site" in which case we'd just bundle the kids up and go. As they got older and had commitments of their own to sports teams and so on obviously that did impact on what we could do, but I actively enjoyed getting involved with their hobbies and extended my own interests and social circle as a result. We've also never been routine orientated so needinb to eat, sleep etc at very specific times was never an issue for us.
So I guess our lifestyle has always been fairly child friendly meaning we adapted quite easily. I can see if you have different interests then having a child would have a bigger impact. You can't go to the theatre or a Michelin starred restaurant as easily with a small child as you can go for a bike ride and a pub meal. But personally I never felt trapped by having children like some people are describing. Yes, of course there have been times when we would have preferred to have been doing something other than stand besides a sports pitch in the freezing cold on a Sunday morning, or when we'd quite like to have gone out for the day but there's a ballet exam on, but overall, looking back on the last 27 years or so since we had our first I would say our lives have been enriched rather than restricted by our children. There have been bad bits of course. I found the newborn stage dull and very hard work whereas I know others who love that part. When you are in a bad phase everything can look bleak, but for most people there are plenty of good bits too. I think that if you either try to carry on as if nothing has changed at all or feel you must completely subsume yourself to your children then you are more likely to be unhappy than if you can find a balance.

Well, mine is only 12, and alternates between being a little kid looking for cuddles and getting into my bed at 3 am after a bad dream, and being a proto-teen establishing his separateness and thinking I’m mildly pointless, so I’ve no experience of having an adult child.

But from the perspective of being an adult with parents, I still think that ingratitude and selfishness are subjective.

My parents, of whom I am very fond, were absolutely inadequate parents (having far more children than they could afford, financially or emotionally, bringing us up with no idea more than providing a bare minimum of food and shelter were involved in parenting), but have no idea, because they’re timid, withdrawn people who weren’t themselves brought up with love and had no idea how to provide a loving environment.

My mother thought it was normal as the eldest daughter to take her own mother to live with us in an already overcrowded house, regardless of the impact on her own children (three to a bed at times). I thought it was normal to concentrate on my education and move abroad for grad school to get out of poverty. I feel sure she thinks many of my decisions (career-focused, one child by choice) are ‘ungrateful’ because they suggest a conscious aim not to replicate my own childhood. I think she’s actually very disappointed in how we all turned out (all siblings childfree by choice bar me), even though we’re solvent, successful, in good longterm relationships, fairly contented, because we’re not her ‘normal’. So it’s complex.

I read on here that having a baby is like winning the lottery and having your leg blown off on the same day.

😂

It is hard sometimes. I miss being able to sleep without being woken up several times a night. But if I'd thought about having kids too much I probably wouldn't have had the balls to just go for it. You never know how its going to be for you until you just do it. Try going into it with an open mind, optimism and importantly, try to make time for yourselves as individuals. Just my opinion.

I think the biggest thing for me was realising it wasn't my parents fault they weren't perfect parents - they were just two people trying to get through life, and they started parenthood in their teens! I also wanted a boring old fashioned mum and dad like people on TV but they were in their thirties, of course they had hobbies and went for nights out and listened to Radio 1 🤣

All that angst and resentment just left me when I became a parent and all I was left with was gratitude.

Wonderful, thank you for sharing

Thanks for sharing and being realistic. And realising parenthood is 24/7 365 days a year for ever. When they grow up, they are still your 'child'

Thank you for your honesty. My adult child has caused me immeasurable pain and grief. I will spare you the details but have visited her in prison; a heart wrenching experience. Enough said, I am truly pleased for those whose kids have turned out OK; certainly not to be assumed or taken for granted.