to feel worried about having children after reading posts on MN…?

[SaucySabotender]

I feel pretty nervous writing this to be honest…like it’s a taboo subject that shouldn’t be asked…but anyways here I go.

My husband and I would like to start a family, and due to fertility issues it would have to be via donors. This part I am fine with and have spent a lot of time talking with DCP and various issues surrounding it and feel in a good place regarding that.

However as I’ve spent more time reading posts on MN, mostly the trending topics, over and over again I read about mothers who are stressed, exhausted, at their wits ends, relationships strained or broken, children who are extremely difficult to handle with behaviours that anyone would struggle with…and I guess I am panicking. Right now my life is extremely calm, predictable, very low stress outside of normal everyday stresses. I want to have a family, but I’m worried that either I or my husband won’t be able to handle it if we end up in a situation like that, and I’ll wonder what the hell I’ve done…or is that a non-issue because once the child is in your life, motherly love takes over and you’d never think that way? But of course I can only speak for myself, and it seems like so many fathers end up checking out of their child’s life. I don’t feel like this is something my husband would do, but of course does anyone think that when they marry them and have children together?

I’m not sure if this is just cold feet because of the massive undertaking of IVF…the uncertainty of success, the huge cost which would have to come from remortgaging the house, and then once successful, worrying about having a healthy child…

And then I wonder, if I’m having worries like this, am I really fit to be a mother? I feel like I would do a good job raising a child, but should I even be having these kinds of thoughts?

I have had times of tiredness but mostly just joy from my kids

But my DH and I are equal partners and we don't have health or money problems.

Most of the negative threads are wear women are doing everything and the DH is just 'helping'

Normal thoughts to have. I’d spend more time ensuring you have your head straight re donor embryos. You need to get a donor the children can contact once they turn 18 and need to be certain that you will support them in doing this if it’s what they want @SaucySabotender have you read and three makes baby? There is an associated workbook too.

I will say definitely since having children I am wrecked, I look awful, my husband and I relationship has definitely suffered, life is a lot more stressful but I wouldn’t change a thing.

The best and most engrossing part of my life. Mine were ivf too and absolutely worth it.

Yes you’re right about family. My reasons are because I want to experience the joy of having a child, the love I will feel and be able to give, trying to raise them in a loving and supportive manner that helps them to be an adult who feels free to be themselves (I was raised in an extremely religious repressive household, but I don’t feel under any religious pressure to have children, I’m not at all religious myself…). To be able to do fun things together as well, even so-called mundane things like going for a walk in the forest, trips to the sea, watching kids movies, painting/drawing together (I paint as a hobby) when they’re a kid and possibly longer if they enjoy it later in life, and so on…

Please don't listen to the bollocks about it being irrational to be a parent. What a load of shite.
Being a parent does have difficult times and yes it can at times leave you exhausted and overwhelmed, but that is a drop in the ocean compared to all the good stuff. The love is like nothing else on this Earth. It is incomparable. I lost one of my own parents very recently and I genuinely don't know how I'd have coped if it weren't for my own children keeping me going through these weeks. They inspire me, they encourage me, they make me laugh, they amaze me with their own strength and approaches, they are without doubt the best part of my life- just as I was for my parent.
The crap about women doing the lion's share needs to stop- it only makes it ok for people to think women have to do the lion's share. A lot of that comes from people having children with frankly awful partners. Pick someone who loves and supports you and someone who shows this through their actions, it should not be an anomaly to have a supportive partner who does 50% of the work with you. OP it sounds like you have a balanced, calm and overall nice life with your partner, that can still be the case with children. It comes down to you and your partner both maintaining that, being there for each other and raising your family with your relationship and values as the example. I wish you well with your future, the fact you're giving it proper thought tells us you would be a thoughtful and considerate mum too. I say this as a mum to two SEN children, I love them with all my heart and there truly is nothing better. No matter what negative nay-sayers might wish you to believe.

A lot of people make parenting harder than it needs to be. Of course everyone’s situation is different - but there is a lot of rhetoric about children are so difficult and a nightmare, parenting is the hardest job in the world and you’ll never sleep again bla bla. Personally I do not relate to that struggle and I have quite a few kids.

It’s not inevitable that it’s going to be shit, at all.

The things that will make it easier in general is first your own attitude. Then if you have some support around you like good quality friends (doesn’t need to be family) and if your financial situation is okay, and your relationship is solid. When all of those things have gone to shit and people are struggling, it’s not really just because of the kids it’s the situation as a whole.

I think the most important thing is to ensure you have children with a man who really, really wants them and is capable of being fairly selfless. Look at your husband and really analyse how selfish he is, whether he takes initiative to care for your home etc. There is a lot of work involved with young kids and I would rather not have kids than have them with a ‘mumsnet husband’.

I have a 3 year old and a 7 month old. It's hard and my life is objectively worse than it was before kids in many ways. However, before we had our second, things were starting to get easier (as the first was a bit older, sleeping better etc) and I know it will again when the 2nd one is a bit older. Personally I am not mad about babies but our toddler is great company (in my opinion) and I love watching him learn and experience new things. Me and my OH had a wonderful life before children but we wanted a family and if you want a family you have to have babies so we did. I haven't loved a lot of it but I don'\t regret it and I genuinely I will enjoy it more as they get older.

Thanks for your post, that really sounds similar to me as well.

In the simplest terms since having children I have had my highest highs but also the lowest lows. It’s an unquantifiable thing that won’t be the same for everyone. The tiredness, the stress, sometimes the relentlessness, the lack of downtime, the worry, all build and can make you feel really shitty at times and then something incredibly small like watching your child on a swing or painting your DD’s toes for the first time make it feel worth it.

I think you are probably seeing the worst of it here, people tend to use these forums to vent / get advice about a particularly bad day with their child or something bad happening. It would be a bit weird to create a thread about how easy your child had been or how well behaved they are. So we are only really seeing one side of things.

Going off real life experience from people I know in real life and my own experience, it is a mixture with good and bad days. So the stuff you are reading on here does happen but it is balanced out with good moments too. I personally don't know anyone who has appeared to regret having their kids

As for your DH, if he does his share around the house/household admin etc, it is likely he will do the same your child.

Having a child is really hard. DS is almost 2 and the first winter after he started nursery and he caught one bug after the other and both me and DH needed to work was really tough - there were a lot of weeks we felt like we were surviving and nothing more.
The winter is over now so times like that are less frequent and DS is growing up - seeing his personality develop and communicate with us is heart warming. I often feel like it would be much harder with multiple children - eg trying to accommodate needs of different ages of children. For this reason and others we are 1 and done.
Having a child is the hardest thing I've done but also the most enjoyable, rewarding and satisfying. I can honestly say I feel a level of happiness and contentment that I haven't ever had before.
The newborn stage was hard and getting used to less sleep, but everything with a child is a phase so you just take one day at a time in the hardest times and know that things will change. You find ways of managing between you.
The caveat to that is having a DH that is totally onboard, going to share the load with you and pull his weight whether that's with the parenting, looking after the household, combination of it all etc. I've read a lot of posts where the woman has felt overwhelmed but often the husband doesn't seem to be sharing the load.

On the donor side I feel as well prepared as I possible can be. I’ve spoken with and have gotten the advice from a number of donor conceived people on the best way to handle things going forward. Talk to the child early, make sure to be supportive of them wanting to contact half siblings and their donor parents if they want to, and we have chosen two prospective donors who are non-anonymous and both sound like lovely people so fingers crossed there…I have heard many times that half-siblings are an absolute source of joy for many DCP, so if we end up do having a child then I’m rather looking forward to them having that kind of special bond and support. As for having a relationship with their donor parents, I have no weirdness about it, rather just thankful to them for donating!

Fair enough. Like anything in life it's a choice, and if you feel your reasons for proceeding outweigh your concerns then it's likely the right thing to do. It's sensible to consider the pros and cons, too many people just steam ahead without considering their options. Personally, your reasons wouldn't be enough for me to outweigh the shit bits which for me would be nappies, toilet training, sleepless nights, never having any time to myself, nursery fees, school drop-offs and pick-ups, organising holiday care... and that's only up to age 5! You also have to consider the possibility that (even discounting risks of SEN) you might get an exuberant wee boy who loves football and hates quiet walks or movies or painting. It's unlikely to be how you imagine, that's just reality.

Our children are the absolute joy of our lives. I have met people and experienced things I would never had if I hadn’t have had them.
Given the choice I would absolutely do it all again, the same. And that’s with stroppy teens and pre-teens at home!

Smae here. I've loved having kids, they are teens now, it's been great, I've never found it to be particularly hard. I wouldn't be starting threads on mumsnet about it though.

So I had 3 rounds of IVF and it is brutal, however it’s also bearable so don’t be put off by it.

My kids are the best thing that’s ever happened, but of course parenting can also be tricky and frustrating and exhausting when they are small. It’s all just phases that pass though.

You’ll never love anyone the way you love your kids, so I would say absolutely worth it.

As for fears and doubts, totally normal and I actually think are a good sign you are taking it seriously and want to do your utmost best.

Thank you for the encouragement, went a bit teary 😆 I think the reality is I really want to have children but get caught up in all of the worries…

I was the same when it became the reality that if we want to have children, it would have to be from donors. I had a mountain of worries, mainly around the child being angry, sad, lost, and other things I had read about, but the DCP community really helped me work through it and realise that if you do it right (ie, not try to keep it from them or make it into a weird thing, and support them through any feelings they have about it), then it’s perfectly fine and not something to be scared of, and there are many happy DCP, you just don’t hear from them as much (similar to what I’m being told here).

Many of the posts on MN are where women need to very or get advice. This will massively skew to those in a difficult or unhappy situation.

My marriage has come through 2 under 2 and we are still very close and make each other laugh every day. I don’t need to post about it in the relationships section.
From experience having a child with someone who thinks they can leave all the heavy lifting to you will end up in disaster and huge resentment. Resentment will kill any relationship even one that started off strong.
Going on to have my younger two there was definitely a biological clock screaming at me, but me and DH had some real conversations about it. I was very clear I didn’t want to find myself back in situation of everything being 100% on my shoulders. We also spoke about how a strong marriage would give the kids a more secure life. I love and adore my children but I also make sure to remember that I have a duty to my marriage too.

There's a lot of doom and gloom in this thread that I don't recognise at all. Caveats: I have one child with no SEN.or health issues, I have a stable home and relationship and enough money for a comfortable life. But all that said, and acknowledging that some stages are harder than others, being a mum is the best thing that's ever happened to me. I have a clever, funny, lovely little person whom I love and who loves me in return. I love spending time with her and caring for her - I get huge satisfaction from cooking her healthy food, helping her learn, hearing her laugh, seeing her grow. I feel pride at her achievements and I love cheering her up when she's sad. It's wonderful. As for the stuff about weight gain and ruined social lives: this isn't inevitable! I'm the same weight and size as pre-baby and so are the other mums I know (as far a I can tell, I don't make them do weigh-ins).

My mum always said it’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do. And she wasn’t wrong, but I wouldn’t swap it for anything.
I wasn’t particularly maternal - I’d never even changed a nappy before I had my own! But you learn on the job. I was lucky as my husband was very keen to have kids and kind of swept me along with him. But the fun far outweighs the misery.
If you’re financially secure it does make it easier for sure. The one thing we didn’t have but I think really helps is some family nearby to help with the load.
Now I’m at the point where my mine are leaving home in the the next few years and I am absolutely dreading it. For me having kids was the best decision of my life. My sister didn’t and is perfectly happy too.
Go with your gut - visualise yourself in 2,5,10 years; what do you want your life to look like then. Are their kids in the picture?

I think some people do get really difficult children.

I also think some people want children to slot into their lives. Still want full time career, be able to have plenty of "me time", spontaneous relationship with spouse, disposable income, spotless house etc.

I think if they're your expectations, you'll struggle. Nothing wrong with this, but it'll be very hard.

However, some people are happy for their kids to be their world. They're happy to give up/ massively de-prioritise other things. I think this makes it easier. Not saying this is the "right way".

I think a lot of the struggling (bar social issues like poverty, lack of services, domestic violence etc) is women thinking they can "have it all". I believe you can have it all (but "all" includes a LOT of stress!!)

Just think about what you want your life to look like, what things you'd be happy to change & what you wouldn't + especially make sure DH on same page. Is he still expecting to go out drinking on a Friday night & spend all of Saturday at a football game? Is he expecting you to do all the school drop offs, sick days etc so he can focus on his career? Again, nothing wrong with this but know what you're signing up for.

Good luck. I think children are the best thing ever x

My children are wonderful and i love being a parent to them

Yes there are tough days, it's tiring when they are little but you manage and its so rewarding. Most of my friends children seem pleasant enough. I think people struggling are over represented on here because you don't need to post asking for support if your kids are quite easy do you

The idea of actual 'parenting' is what stopped me having kids. I certainly liked the idea of having kids - but I didn't want a life full of all those things you describe. That was the deal breaker for me, so we didn't have them.

Thought I might regret it as time's gone on (I'm now 45) but I look at the lives of my parent friends now and, while their children ARE lovely, I would not swap my life for theirs for all the tea in China. So I'm very happy with my decision.

It's all very individual as well. I didn't mind changing nappies at all, didn't mind toilet training in the slightest, have no issues with the school run, managed sleepless nights - hard, but manageable and now have two older children who sleep without any issue. The lack of time to yourself gets better as they get older, and older children can even be a help and not a hindrance!

I had looked after children before having my own, and had some experience of new borns and young babies/toddlers from friends and family. That does help to give you an idea of what some of the practicalities are like.